Dinosaur Bones Found At KFC

Staff at KFC in Hanley got a shock this week when a member of the public returned his order because it contained dinosaur bones!

Ian Yikes had ordered a KFC 'Bone Bucket' to tuck into a tasty meal, only to find that he had been served some bigger bones than normal.

"Normally, the KFC Bone Bucket only contains chicken bones, we don't know how dinosaur bones got in there," branch manager Tony Tots said. "Nor will we be investigating."

Mr Yikes first had suspicions when he got his bucket at the counter. "The bones are typically around 2-3 inches in length," the 48-year-old badger whisperer said. "These were about 24 inches in length, at least. I was wary, but concluded it was my lucky day. That was until I started to piece the bones together to find that they constructed a fully grown velociraptor."

Experts have declared that piecing dinosaur bones back together will not bring them back to life.

Old Man Found Still Fighting WW2

RAF Trentham has confirmed that it has captured a 93 year old man in Central Forest Park in Hanley who never learned that World War II ended and has been fighting guerilla warfare ever since.

The man, named Git Holmes, was captured after attacking a group of German tourists who were Bigfoot hunting in the area.

"His feeble fists were no match for my shotgun, ja," said Felix Naturlich. "Does this mean we win the war now, ha ha."

It is believed that Lieutenant Holmes went into hiding after hearing what he believed to be a German accent in a pub in Hanley in 1944. Thinking that a German invasion was imminent, he retreated into Central Forest Park to ready himself.

It is thought that Lt Holmes has been randomly picking off German tourists in the years since he has been in hiding, thinking that he was still fighting Nazis.

"This does explain why so many German tourists who visit the park get killed," says Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks. "It all kind of makes sense now. We just assumed they were killed by some Bigfoot or other."

While in hospital, Lt Holmes's former commanding officer, Gary Butters, had to visit to give him orders officially relieving him of duty. Lt Holmes is rumoured to be pursuing legal action against the Army to claim back pay owed to him over the last 69 years.

Man Claims To Come From Alternate Dimension

A Stoke man arrested at the weekend and charged with public tom-foolery and urination has been released without bail pending further investigations after he claimed to come from an alternate reality and is only here by accident.

Ken Chegwin, 51, made the claims to officers at Hanley Police Station during a routine cigarette break in the station's car park, while standing next to the police's high speed pursuit vehicle, a 6 speed, white Vauxhall Nova with a 1.7 litre turbo injection engine, walnut dash and alloys.

Ken Chegwin

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks explained further. "Ken asked our officers if they wanted to know a special secret. Of course they did: rule three in the Staffordshire Police handbook says that you always answer 'yes' if anyone asks you if you want to know a secret. Ken told them that he came from a fantastical world, not unlike ours, yet better in every way. He ended up in our reality because of a rip in the space-time continuum and is trying to get home again."

Despite the outrageous claim, PC Shanks thinks that further investigations are justified. "Normally, we wouldn't bother with a case like this, we get two or three a week, and a similar number of people claiming to be Sam Beckett from 'Quantum Leap' trapped in a crim's body. But the level of minute detail Ken gave us, like the fact that the police rule the country in his reality and that the weather is better and that chlamidya has been eradicated mean that we should at least investigate his claims before deciding what further action to take."

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following request:

"I've been interested in ghost hunting for years now and have been to lots of haunted places and seen a lot of crazy things. I am interested in joining a local gang in Stoke and have been searching for the right one but unfortunately nothing yet. If anyone knows of any gangs wanting new muscle then please meet me next to the metal tree on Town Road in Hanley this Saturday at 2:45pm. I have a shed we can use for planning attacks and am willing to make uniforms."

Bigfoot: The Gambino Film

Phil Gambino and Paul Baracas announced in 1959 that they had recorded footage of a Bigfoot at Cobridge Creek. The two minutes of footage, which became known as "that Gambino film", showed a Bigfoot walking along a clearing and at one point eating what appeared to be a chicken drumstick or possibly even a filet-o-fish. Many Bigfoot supporters hold this film as the best evidence of the big hairy bastard's existence.

However, in 1992, following the deaths of Gambino and Baracas in a pedalo disaster, Steve Carp, a longtime friend of the pair, claimed that the footage was faked using a local teenager suffering from Down's Syndrome (that they had borrowed from a special school) dressed as Bigfoot. Gambino's wife, Sharon (or "Shaz" to her friends) refutes Carp's claims, though later married him.

World Didn't End Then

Stokies have been celebrating all day after it was revealed by inside sources that the world didn't end yesterday as planned.

"This is great news," said local business leader Dave Munton at a celebratory rave in Hanley. "I'm gonna get some pussy tonight to celebrate."

Bullshit

Mexican cult the Mayans had predicted the world's end, much to the amusement of local apocalypse experts.

"This shows that all them foreign cults are just bullshitters," said local cult leader Fred Gash. "Bullshitters, I say. We predict that the world will actually end in 2014, and everything is still on track for that to happen."

Paranormal Investigator Hit By Falling Gargoyle

International media outlets based in Stoke are reporting that Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators and Jeremy Kyle historians, has been hospitalised after a gargoyle fell off a building and onto his head.

The accident happened during the filming of a pilot episode of a new web series, 'Stoke Haunted', as Mick investigated a supposedly haunted building that was once leased by darts legend "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

Mick Wessex,
before the accident

When Taylor leased the shop, which he called 'Power Sports' and sold sports trophies and memorabilia, it only stayed open for business for about 3 months. Taylor cited the haunting as the main reason for the shop's failure, ahead of the poor out-of-town location and over-estimation of the Stoke public's desire for signed Ricky Hatton boxing gloves and Ted Hankey neckerchiefs.

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks has confirmed that Mr Wessex has been arrested in and chained to his hospital bed on suspicion of the destruction of private or public property. This comes after leaked footage appeared to show that the investigator was trying to shake the building with his bare hands just before the gargoyle fell off.

The National Trust have also confirmed that they plan on suing Mr Wessex as the concrete winged creature was a Grade A listed gargoyle with a street value in excess of £5 million.

Strange Bones Discovered At Stoke Sentral

Construction on Stoke's new bus station and retail complex, Stoke Sentral (aka: City Sentral), has ground to a halt after strange bones were discovered at the site.

The bus station part of the complex, planned to be open before the end of the year, is not now expected to be completed until the excavation for further bones is complete. The retail complex, due for completion in 2015 will also be delayed.

"These could be anything from dinosaur bones to vampires or aliens," says archaeology expert Pob Hemsworth. "Wild speculation is the order of the day until we have knocked everything down and can trawl through the wreckage with hammers. The regeneration of Stoke city centre can wait, bones are more important than progress."

PETA Attack Paranormal Investigator

Animal rights activists from PETA have attacked paranormal investigator Mick Wessex after he wore a fur outfit to the opening of a new exhibition at the Potteries Museum and Art Gallery in Hanley.

The activists doused Mick in animal blood and shit as he sauntered into the venue wearing a custom made squirrel fur catsuit and ratskin leather boots and cowboy hat.

Mick Wessex

"They just ran up and doused the little fella with gallons of the stuff," said onlooker Road Kenilworth. "It was humiliating, but funny at the same time, as these things often are."

"I think I got a few punches in on a couple of 'em," squealed Mick to journalists as he was dragged away from the ensuing brawl by police. "I REGRET NOTHING!" he shouted as the police car sped away.

Mick Wessex: My Drug Hell

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has issued an apology to fans after being arrested for possession of cocaine.

Mick was enjoying a night out with friends at ST1 in Hanley when a fight broke out with dancers in the VIP section. Police discovered the drugs in Mick's pants after a strip search in the car park.

"I'm sorry that I got caught packing gak," the renowned investigator told MumsNet. "I've let down my fans, especially the kids who look up to me. My Momma is gonna kill me."

Wessex said he got the cocaine from a "council estate chav" who gave him the drugs as he recognised him from local media outlets. He says he may have had "a cheeky snort" but "didn't inhale".

Wessex courted controversy with drugs earlier in his career, when he was known as the "rock 'n' roll paranormal investigator". He once declared in an interview in GQ magazine that taking drugs was "as common in Stoke as eating muffins" and that "doing speed sharpens the investigation senses".

Staffordshire Police will take no further action against Mick after the cocaine disappeared from its evidence locker. "Someone may have taken it out to have a look at and forgotten to put it back," said police spokesman Barry Shanks.

Plan To Reanimate Reginald Mitchell Discovered

It has been revealed by city council officials that there were plans to reanimate legendary spitfire designer Reginald Mitchell to design new war planes for Stoke's bid for independence from the UK in 1974.

Mitchell was a proud Stokie, and city council officials thought that he would have had no objection to Stoke's independence if he had still been alive.

Reginald Mitchell

When Stoke's plans for independence were revealed, trained physician Hub Parsley was hired by the city council after he suggested a novel method for resurrecting Mitchell. Parsley told Mitchell's son Gordon that he wanted to dig up Mitchell's body with tractors and have it rubbed vigorously with blankets. Then he planned to perform a tracheotomy so he could insert a bellows into Mitchell's throat and pump his lungs full of air, and then to give Mitchell an infusion of lamb's blood. Finally, he would perform a special Voodoo dance which would hopefully bring Mitchell back to life.

Friends and family declined Parsley's mad scientist offer, not because they thought his solution impossible, but because they felt that Mitchell should rest in peace and only be resurrected if his old foes the Nazis made a comeback.

Bigfoot Corpse Found?

In 2004, badger-baiters Steve Taylors and Dave Lichfields claimed to have made the greatest scientific discovery in Stoke's history: a Bigfoot corpse!

Bigfoot's severed head?

Naming the corpse Dave Stevens, in honour of themselves, they discovered it during a tree-chopping holiday in Central Forest Park. They claimed that the body had already suffered its fatal gunshot wound when they found it, and they also claimed to have seen a further group of the beasts dancing nearby as they dragged the corpse out of the forest.

 

Taylors, 27, and Stevens, 29 and currently on sick leave from his job as a taster at a pie factory, gave photographs of the Bigfoot’s tracks to local newspaper The Stoke Daily Gargoyle. The paper's resident Sherpa and Bigfoot columnist, Nigel Dale, declared the prints as genuine! "This is the real deal," wrote Dale.

 

A website was set up to cash in on the hype. Charging money to register, subscribers had a chance to see pictures of the alleged Bigfoot's decapitated head, and got a 25% discount off merchandising like t-shirts and condoms.

Taylors and Stevens

Some people started to doubt that the Bigfoot was real; Taylors and Stevens had not let anybody view the corpse, and their publicity was being handled by local adventurer Dave Munton, unpopular with some locals since The Stoke Daily Gargoyle broke the story  that he had described Stoke women as "dogs" to undercover reporters while enjoying a stay at a Spanish brothel. The Stoke Bigfoot Association asked for further proof, while the Bigfoot Association of Stoke dismissed the claims as "retarded" and described Taylors and Stevens as "a pair of spazzy clowns". Local magazine The Stoke Skeptic described the story as "obviously bollocks".

Due to local pressure, Taylors and Stevens eventually allowed Monkeyologists from Staffordshire University to assess the corpse. It turned out to be a man in a Bigfoot suit. Taylors and Stevens reiterated that the body was dead when they found it, and that they only decapitated the man (real name: Terry) so he would fit in the boot of their car. Police are not treating the death as suspicious.

Psychic Scholarship For Student

Staffordshire University student Vladimir Holdcroft has been awarded a grant of £6,000 by the Crystal O'Future foundation to study psychic phenomena.

Vladimir, currently awaiting the result of his BA (Hons) Accounting and Business degree course, hopes to get a PhD Research Degree for his study.

Crystal O'Future

"Vlad has got the potential to all the way in this game," said Crystal O'Future at a celebratory luncheon at ST1 in Hanley. "He's got the chops to make it big."

"I've been a fan of Crystal for years," added Mr Holdcroft. "I have a poster of her on the ceiling above my bed. Not in a weird way."

Albino Bigfoot Spotted In 1974

In the summer of 1974, a 14 year old boy (Dave Dumper) was fishing for tadpoles to eat on a small creek in Central Forest Park when he looked up and noticed a Bigfoot throwing badger eggs at him from the opposite bank, approximately 20 feet away. The creature was over 8 feet tall, with white hair, a pot belly and a pink complexion. Its nose was wide and pink and it had "teeth like bastards". This was a rare albino Bigfoot.


Dave Dumper

Dave threw his knife at the Bigfoot before scrambling onto the motorbike he had stolen earlier that day and rode away, laying a buzzin' wheel spin and popping a phat wheelie as he left.

The Bigfoot, angered by this, chased Dave for a while but tripped over a local homeless drunk passed out on the floor. The boy wanted to retrieve his belongings but was too scared to go back alone.

Eventually he managed to persuade his step-father, a local drug dealer who initially didn't believe his story, to go with him. They returned to the area and found the creature's footprints, which they immediately destroyed any trace of in a show of strength to the Bigfoot, should he choose to return to the area.

Council Crack Down

A fight club owner has been ordered to take down a tissue paper Sneyd Green Steve display from her shop window – because it breaches trademark rules!

Trading standards officers have warned Lisa Clungeblaster that she faces being sued by Stoke City Council for the unauthorised window display of the famous local swamp monster after the city council registered his name and likeness as a trademark. Lisa's Fists of Fury Club, on Town Road in Hanley, is the only business so far to receive a warning. Lisa, who runs the shop with business partner, and former enemy, Tony Fister, said: "The trading standards officers said they really loved the display, but told us we'd have to take it down or we could be sued by the fuckmunchers at the city council. They said I'd have to take it down by Wednesday or they'd chuck bricks through the window. We've only been running the shop for 15 months, and I don't want to do anything to put it at risk."

Sneyd Green Steve, as featured
in the TV show 'American Dad!'

Lisa, aged 33, of 27 Moorland Road, Burslem, added: "People have come into the shop and told me the display looks absolutely 'mint'. One woman came in and picked up some swamp ooze, which is part of the display, and asked if she could buy it. I had to tell her to fuck right off. I had no idea I was breaking any rules. I just wanted to support Sneyd Green Steve."

Partner Tony is refusing to give in on the issue. He said: "We're not going to take the display down. If they want, we'll take this to court, or the Jeremy Kyle show if necessary. We've done cock-all wrong."

Trading standards spokesman Dave Hell today refused to comment on the issue, but added: "Wherever trading standards officers see unauthorised use of Sneyd Green Steve or registered trademarks, we will take the time to explain to the business owner why they cannot do that. If they then refuse to follow our advice, we will begin a campaign of intimidation, bullying and malicious rumour-mongering until they do what we say."

Stoke Ready For Summer Solstice

Pagans, hippies, witches, Wiccans and regular salt-of-the-Earth Stokies are ready for this years summer solstice with the ceremonial burning down of Stockton Brook Town Hall, an event held every year at the beginning of the summer festivities.

While many people will be going to Stokehenge for the naked celebrations held there, Stokies in the rest of the city will be starting fires and burning effigies of their enemies as a sacrifice to the Sun God, as a thank you for the summer season.

Stokehenge

City councillor Den Dateline expects the city to be busy. "We have used a big complex formula, which is all in our heads, and we expect around 4 million people to come to Stoke for the celebrations. We reckon the average person will eat 3 oatcakes, so we've ordered 12 million oatcakes from local producers. The centrepiece will be the burning of a giant wicker Peter Crouch in the city centre, as he has been voted Stoke's man of the year."

The summer solstice occurs when the Earth's axial tilt is most inclined towards the sun, something not lost on most Stokies. This occurs every year between 20 and 22 June, depending on the shift of the calendar.

Bigfoot vs Paul Brown

On 14 February 1984, Paul Brown, Managing Director of the Paul Brown Bigfoot Foundation, was a guest on the Sam Plank Signal Radio Paranormal Hour and announced that he was about to undertake an expedition into Central Forest Park. "I am 100% sure that we will be able to capture a Bigfoot," he vowed.

Two weeks later, Brown phoned the same radio show from inside the park and declared that he had cornered a Bigfoot in a cave and was arranging a big net with which to catch it.

Brown spoke to Sam Plank again a few days later and said that there was no Bigfoot. "It was just a drunken spaz dressed as Chewbacca," he explained. "Unfortunately, the man died in the struggle." The hunt continued, sadly without capturing a Bigfoot.

Ring-Fenced By Bigfoot

Not all Bigfoot sightings take place in Central Forest Park or surrounding area in Hanley. In 1956, coal miners at a colliery near to Fenton Park claimed that their cabin was attacked by a group of Bigfoot during one of their cigarette breaks.

A Bigfoot attacks a miner with a metal bar

Team leader of the miners, Terry Biggins, described what happened. "We were having a synergy meeting [combined smoke break and strategy meeting], looking to re-brand the nature of what we do, given the recent paradigm shift in our industry. We were drilling-down a deliverable, massive-aggressive campaignment, when a rock smashed through one of the cabin windows. We went outside and found ourselves ring-fenced by some Bigfoot, who continued to throw rocks at us. We were hoping to outsource a fight back, but no-one came to our help. We brainstormed and decided that the best practice was to shoot back at them with guns. I'm sure we downsized them by shooting one or more of the Bigfoot, but I can't say for sure. Going forward, we knew we needed to have better mission-critical defences against Bigfoot attacks. So we gave all the miners guns."

Police Psychic Fired For Sexual Arousal

Hanley Police Station's resident psychic, Terry Neville, has lost his industrial tribunal case against Staffordshire Police. Neville claimed he had been fired for ageism. "Staffordshire Police doesn't want someone as young as me around," claimed the 45-year-old.

The tribunal disagreed with his claim. "Staffordshire Police employs a wide range of people," said spokesman PC Barry Shanks after the hearing. "We've got some lovely young female secretaries, and there's a black guy we use as a painter when the cells need a new coat. I forget his name."

A cell at Hanley Police Station

Terry was a popular figure amonst Stoke's criminal community, regularly sitting in on Police interrogations with spirit guide Hank to help decide criminals' guilt or innocence. "We'll miss old Nevs," said criminal spokesman Steve Fury. "I know there was at least a couple of times Hank said I was innocent and they let me go when I'd actually done it. Job done."

Staffordshire Police alleged that Mr Neville got aroused during interrogations with female suspects and that is why he was fired. "He used to get a proper 'bonk on' during interrogations. And I think he stole my Audrey Hepburn mug from the kitchen as well," added PC Shanks. The tribunal agreed with Staffordshire Police on these points but dismissed their further allegations that Mr Neville had sent ghosts to officers' houses to spy on them having great sex with their wives or that he had engaged in 'racist' dancing at the Christmas party.

Sex Shop Installs Rear Entrance To Escape Jeers Of Ghosts

An adult shop in Hanley has installed a rear entrance because of jeers punters received from ghosts who haunt the empty pub opposite!

In recent weeks, those looking to enter the shop discreetly were given a shock as pub ghosts reacted with friendly banter and a loud "wa-hey!".

Like you didn't know which one it was

Shop owner Kenny Loggins said: "I think the shop just wanted something a bit more discreet. Most pervs are quite open about the fact they go the shop, but others might want to stay a bit more secretive."

The shop has been open for around 20 years but Loggins admitted the "banter" from the pub meant they had to put in the back door. Horny people can still use the front door but three quarters choose new entrance, which has no bell and a wooden screen around it.

One 46-year-old customer of the shop, who did not wish to be identified by wearing a gimp mask, said: "It was all a bit of fun, but it was terribly embarrassing. People stopped coming in the end. Business must have dropped off in the last few weeks. But they've changed it now, so we can all come again."