Dragon Roast Island

Dragon Roast Island is the largest island on Benny Island, located on Lake Zora, the smallest lake on Benny Island. The island is home to Death Mountain, one of the biggest free standing rock formations in Stoke.

An unusual weather phenomenon means that the top of the mountain is always covered in clouds, even if there is no others in the sky. Legend says that these clouds are actually smoke produced by Grumpy Ole Terry, the dragon that lives on top of the mountain, who spends his days chucking rocks at passers by down below.

Benny Island

Benny Island, located on Lake Burslem, is the largest island in Stoke. It is home to a series of underwater caves, which are home to powerful spirits of long dead fish people from a bygone age.

These spirits are of the elders of an extinct race called x who ruled the area before humans had fully evolved. Feeding on cockles, the race died out due to laziness.

Unfortunately, the spirits of this master race haven't been fully investigated as there are no paranormal investigators in Stoke who happen to have the necessary underwater skills to check them out or make contact with their spirits. As such, much of what we know about them is pure speculation.

Some of that speculation includes that they were demons, tortured crabs and poked stuff with tridents for fun.

Hypnotist Convicted

Fenton hypnotist Cameron David has been sentenced to 12 hours imprisonment after being found guilty of abusing his magic powers.

David was found to have coerced women through hypnosis into handies, blowies and posing for nude pictures. One woman also claimed he got her to do a shit in the middle of his neighbour's lawn as part of a long running dispute.

While the criminal sentence isn't that large, the punishment he receives from the city's magic community could be.

"The punishment he gets from Stoke's Magic Council could be anything," magic expert Steve Dregs said. "He could get imprisoned in a cube of pure energy, he could be sent to another dimension for eternity, or he could just be asked to hand over any pictures and videos he made while doing it and that's it. It’s anybody's guess, really."

Dinosaur Bones Found At KFC

Staff at KFC in Hanley got a shock this week when a member of the public returned his order because it contained dinosaur bones!

Ian Yikes had ordered a KFC 'Bone Bucket' to tuck into a tasty meal, only to find that he had been served some bigger bones than normal.

"Normally, the KFC Bone Bucket only contains chicken bones, we don't know how dinosaur bones got in there," branch manager Tony Tots said. "Nor will we be investigating."

Mr Yikes first had suspicions when he got his bucket at the counter. "The bones are typically around 2-3 inches in length," the 48-year-old badger whisperer said. "These were about 24 inches in length, at least. I was wary, but concluded it was my lucky day. That was until I started to piece the bones together to find that they constructed a fully grown velociraptor."

Experts have declared that piecing dinosaur bones back together will not bring them back to life.

Possessed Photocopier Abuses People

Office workers in Hanley have complained about a photocopier in their workplace that has come alive and started to abuse staff.

Workers at Barry & Company first became aware of the problem when office tea lady Jenny Kump tried to photocopy her arse, only to be told: "Get that fat arse off me you filthy slag."

"It got to the point that every time we went near to the machine, it started to abuse people," office admin manager Greg Chapters said. "We had to send it back. I love 'top bantz' as much as the next man, but this was too much."

"The abuse was getting pretty bad," confirmed grunt worker Mick Yip. "It had gone too far for most. Though it was still the best copier in the office, so I've kind of got mixed feelings. The replacement copier is shit, though it isn't alive and doesn't call me a 'cock munching shit sock'."

"This kind of thing does happen occasionally," office supplier Hammers Ltd spokesman Ted Spiders said. "It's not that big of a deal."

Dragon Ball Stoke

A new think piece by experts at Staffordshire University has said that dragons may have lived in Stoke as recently as the 1970s when they were probably displaced by council estates.

"We've found lots of evidence of burned stuff all over Stoke," Professor Burt Daydream wrote. "We recently discovered a burned out Ford Cortina with a dead body in it in some woods in Fegg Hayes. It has been there for quite some time. We believe a dragon did this. There was also a strong smell of piss in the area. Again, we believe a dragon was responsible, maybe the same one."

Bonfire Sacrifice Confirmed

Stoke's official Catholic sacrifice for the city's bonfire night celebration on 5 November has been announced as local chimney sweep Timmy Webster.

Timmy, aged 12, has said he is delighted to be chosen. "Priest Gary has told me that this is the greatest honour for anyone," he explained. "It's what Jesus would want me to do, basically, is what he told me."

Sacrificing a Catholic is Stoke's thank you to the gods who prevented the Gunpowder Plot of 1605, when Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up the House of Lords.

Timmy was due to give evidence at a forthcoming trial against local priests accused of molesting children. The Judge for that hearing has said he will await the outcome of this sacrifice before deciding whether Timmy can be called as a witness. The Catholic Church of Stoke has described Timmy's sacrifice as coincidental and unrelated to the trial.

Man Arrested For Ghost Prank

A man from Norton has been arrested by police for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises.

"We can confirm that a man has been arrested by us for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises," Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks told reporters. "The details can be found on our Facebook page."

The man, known only as Ken Kippers, was arrested by officers after a two year long sting operation where they followed the man for 24 hours a day, 6 days a week (not Sundays), which included setting up webcams in his house, tapping his phones and internet and following him while hiding in boxes. He was finally arrested while taunting mourners at the funeral of an old woman killed by the Stoke Strangler.

Evil Cat Alert

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout for an evil cat in Hanford.

"I saw it last night from my bedroom window, on top of my shed," Jane Cookies said. "It looked up at me then did a shit."

"I came home to see the cat pissing on my sofa," reported Mary Muggins. "It was looking at me as it did it, the bastard."

The cat is described as being black with evil eyes.

Man Creates Sentient Robot, Won't Let Anyone See It

Local inventor Gam Beatles, from Sneyd Green, has invented the world's first truly sentient robot capable of experiencing human emotions, but it has started to suffer from anxiety and doesn't want to be seen by anybody else, or so Gam claims.

"Terry, as he's called, started off right as rain, but the more he learned about humanity and the world today, the more stressed he has become," Gam explained. "He can't really leave the house right now. Bringing the mood of the place right down. I might have to start claiming benefits for him."

"This is an incredible scientific breakthrough, perhaps the greatest of them all," Professor Dave Stevens of Staffordshire University's Ethics and Celebrities Division commented. "The issues raised by this are literally infinite and the inventor must carry a heavy weight on his shoulders having to deal with this."

"To be honest, I made him mainly so that he could pick out the winners of the horse races for me," Gam added. "Since I met my missus I don't have that much time to get down the bookies like I used to so I thought I'd make a robot to do it for me. Hasn't really gone to plan."

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent in the following request:

"Like R Kelly, I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Literally. I have made some wings out of old feathers and science. If you would like to test out my wings and be one of if not the first human being ever to take flight, then please meet me by the old observatory near to Trentham Monkey Park this coming Sunday morn at 10am sharp. I will be dressed like a mad scientist, including goggles, and carrying some massive wings. Thanks in advance."

Vortex Opens In Bagnall

A portal to another dimension has been found in Gob Street in Bagnall, though members of the public have been advised to stay away.

"We start to find these things opening up more at this time of year," council health and safety inspector Nigel Garage said at the scene. "I'm no scientist, but I think the hot weather may weaken the fabric of the space-time continuum."

"I am a scientist," Dr Nick Legg, professor of science at Staffordshire University retorted. "To suggest that the fabric of the space-time continuum is weakened by hot weather is madness. This man knows nothing. Literally nothing."

"We don't know where this vortex goes or what it does, so it’s best just to ignore it and pretend like it's not there. It'll go away eventually," Mr Garage added. "They always do."

Global Warming Caused By Dragons, Says UKIP

Any warming of the Earth is caused by fire breathing dragons and is not man made, a UKIP councillor has told party supporters at a rally in Cobridge.

"These foreign dragons coming over here and warming our environment, it's a disgrace," the councillor roared to UKIP voters. "UKIP will put and end to this if we come to power and send them back to game of thrones land or wherever they come from."

"This is interesting," Professor Gary Hammers of Staffordshire University said. "We've long suspected dragons of inhabiting mountains in Fegg Hayes, but sightings are few and far between. They do breathe fire and fire does warm stuff up, so this could be legit."

Springtime For Bursie

John Ambulance from Tunstall has become the winner of a cheque for £3,000 and a years supply of pikelets (courtesy of The Dave Munton Foundation and Munton's Pikelets) after being the first person to report seeing the Lake Burslem Monster, aka "Bursie", this springtime.

Running naked along the lake's shore after losing a bet, John jumped over a tramp's dead body then landed awkwardly and fell in the lake. John looked up to see Bursie staring at him.

"There was a look of contempt in its eyes that sickened me," John said. "If I'd had my machete I'd have cut his stupid head off."

"Congratulations to John," Dave Munton Foundation treasurer Gill Afro said. "The prize is classed as income and he will have to pay tax on it, unfortunately."

Trying Wessex: Week Six

Week six of the trial ground to an early halt when Judge Reinholder adjourned the hearing for two weeks following a request from the prosecution.

Chief prosecutor Phil Grundies requested the adjournment citing a request from Signal Gold radio to have him fill in on the breakfast show over the Easter holidays owing to his new found high profile because of the trial.

Judge Reinholder agreed to the break as his granddaughter wants to go to Chessington World of Adventures.

The trial resumes on 05 May.

Man Hairier Than Robin Williams Found

An extremely hairy man has been seen in Fegg Hayes, described by witnesses as being "hairier than Robin Williams".

The man was spotted near to the town's coliseum, wearing a top hat and Adidas tracksuit, drinking beer and spitting on the pavement. Tourists asked him to pose for photographs with them.

Offers for the mysterious man have been pouring in from local carnivals, with the Chell Heath Carnival the current frontrunner.

If you see the hairy man, you are advised to contact local newspapers or post about it on Facebook.

Wessex/Trial: Week Five

A tearful Mick Wessex took the stand at the start of the week and apologised to the victim's family and said that he wished he'd never fired the gun because of all the trouble it had caused for him.

Mick continued by saying that he won't touch guns again for a while, at least not until he's been found not guilty at the end of the trial. He said he had recently expanded his posse to include some people who are "handy" with guns.

Mick said that him and victim Ms Dynamite had hit it off straight away, and had sex for the first seven days after they met, which included "at least six blowies, three handies and a couple of goes on her arse".

Mick was asked about his slow response to the shooting when it came to calling the police. He said he didn't trust them. "I've been stung by tha filth once too often to go crying to them like a little bitch at the first sign of trouble," he explained.

The prosecutor finished the week by asserting that Mick knew the victim was not a ghost when he shot her. "Bullshit," replied Mick. "Liar," replied the prosecutor. "Bullshit," Mick replied again. "Liar," the prosecutor said again. This continued for about an hour then the Judge called an end to the week's proceedings.

The trial continues tomorrow.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent in the following request to the emergency STOKE PARANORMAL SOCIETY phoneline:

"I believe there may be fairies in some woods I frequent. I want to put together an experienced team of hunters to go looking for them. If you are interested, then please meet me at 11am this Sunday morning by the canal lock in Stocky Brook [Stockton Brook]. I have my own nets and poisoned arrows and expect you to have some too. No time wasters please."

The Trial Of Wessex: Week Four

The first witness of the week was neighbour Jane Janowski. As a local busybody, she said she regularly uses binoculaurs to spy on neighbours and could see Mick taking showers if she gets her angles right. She said she heard loud music on the night of the shooting. Songs she could remember included 'Love Shack' by B-52's, 'Sacrifice' by Elton John and 'Ride on Time' by Black Box. She heard a woman screaming after the first shot was fired, though this may have been from 'Ride on Time' rather than the victim.

Phone expert Nigel Garrage was next. He went through all the information from victim Sharon Dynamite's iPhone, including anything that had been deleted. Mr Garrage revealed that Ms Dynamite was an avid player of Candy Crush Saga, to which someone in the crowd shouted, "It's not a proper game!" Barristers asked Judge Reinholder to remove this comment from the records, but the Judge refused. "He's right, it's not a proper game," he said.

Texts by the victim read out included "Sometimes im scared of u wen u beeng a twat" and "U owe me for that morning after pill m8".

The prosecution then rested their case. The defence then asked for a week's break from the trial as Mick had booked a holiday that morning in what was described as a "cracking deal". The judge checked the court schedule then agreed as he wanted to buy some tickets to see Kylie Minogue in concert. The trial recommences a week on Monday.

Wessex On Trial: Week Three

The week began with the prosecution listing all the weapons found at Mick's house. These included the gun used in the shooting (a Colt 45-70 Peacemaker), a Famas assault rifle with ACOG scope, grenade launcher and suppressor attachments, a Remington 870 shotgun, a machete, a plank with rusty nails in it, a cricket bat with a knife taped to the end of it (which Mick says was used to mark his place at a cricket crease) and a snooker-ball-in-a-sock.

Police photographer Bob Biggins took to the stand and faced questions from Mick's barrister about the crime scene and asked whether it had been interfered with. Photos referenced included a blood pool with a smiley face drawn in it and several penises drawn on the wall in blood, some of which had spunk lines squirting out of them.

Ballistics expert Sharon Tugball was the next witness, and she said that Mick was not standing on stilts at the time his girlfriend was shot, contrary to reports. The first bullet fired hit Ms Dynamite on her thigh tattoo of a bow and the second bullet missed her but bounced back of some handcuffs locked to a radiator pipe and hit Ms Dynamite on the tramp stamp on her lower back. The final two bullets went into her head.

The final witness of the week was computer nerd Jack Funkpig who said that before the killing Mick had been on his iPad looking at websites such as a "prison bitch name generator", his own personal website, Facebook, The Daily Mail online and several porn sites.

The trial continues next week.

The Wessex Trial: Week Two

Vomit was the word of the second sensational week in court as Stoke's biggest ever trial moved forward with fans not short of highlights.

It started on Monday when the defendant Mick Wessex started vomiting when bloody photographs of the victim, Ms Dynamite were shown in court. After questions from the judge, Mr Wessex explained that he'd been out binge drinking the night before and was feeling slightly worse for wear. "And photographs like that don't help any," he added.

Later in the week, police photographs of a naked Mick, standing in his conservatory, and covered in blood, were shown. This prompted vomiting from three of the jurors, only one of whom had been out binge drinking the night before.

Mr Wessex denies murder and says: "The only thing I'm guilty of is loving too much. And being a great shag."

The trial continues next week.

The Trial Of The Century Begins

Mick Wessex

The trial of Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's most famous paranormal investigators, for murdering his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite, began this week to wild celebrations.

"Stoke hasn't seen a trial this big perhaps ever," says legal expert Rob Patchwork. "The celebrations are justified, this is the cup final of criminal trials."

Large crowds gathered outside Fenton Magistrates Court on Monday morning ahead of the start of the trial, leading to presiding Judge Reinholder to demand clerks screen the trial on giant screens for those who couldn't get in. The area quickly became known as "Henmurder Hill".

Mr Wessex denied premeditated murder and said that he shot his girlfriend by mistake, thinking she was a ghost as her cocaine covered body was glowing under the UV lights he had on.

Early prosecution witness Kenny Bates said he found Mr Wessex leaning over Ms Dynamite's dead body, singing 'Candle In The Wind' by Elton John, the more recent version about Princess Diana, not the original one about Marilyn Monroe.

Further witnesses also claimed to have heard regular shouting and arguing at Mr Wessex's house between the couple, though Mick's barrister said this was just normal dirty talk during sex that all couples partake in.

Legal teams for both the defence and prosecution are hosting their own podcasts during the trial so fans can keep abreast of the latest news. Special celebrity guests are promised.

The trial continues next week.

Ghost Ship Headed To Stoke

A deserted cruise ship crawling with cannibal badgers could be heading towards Stoke. The 301ft ship, The King Barry, has been seen floating up the River Trent since being set adrift by authorities in Bermuda last summer. Recent storms may have driven The King Barry towards Stoke.

The ship was deserted by her crew three years before being set adrift. It is feared the ship may have become overrun with badgers since that time.

"Aye, she be on her way to Stoke," says fishrman and marine expert Bill Spatz. "Stoke be like yer crack cocaine to deserted vessels. She'll be here soon, mark my words. Aye."

The location of the 4,300 tonne ship remains a mystery despite several attempts to find her. Stoke's port authority has sent search parties along the River Trent with guns.

Business As Usual

Stoke's Council of Elders has advised Stokies to go about their business as usual despite the presence of a giant UFO that is hovering over the city.

"The UFO is no threat to Stoke and people should get on with their lives as normal," Elders spokesman Barry Riley advised. "Stopping in the streets and gawping up at it is a health and safety risk to drivers and people who do it will be prosecuted."

The UFO arrived three days ago and has hovered over the city ever since. No contact has been made with the ship or its inhabitants.

"The UFO will leave when it is good and ready," added Mr Riley. "Furthermore, we do not want any locals to try and rob it. We caught one man trying to reach it with a massive ladder. We will be watching."

On The (Grave) Rob

Staffordshire Police have confirmed that they are investigating a spate of grave robberies across the city which have involved the theft of several dead bodies.

"We're at a loss as to why this is happening," said police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "We've literally got no idea. Why anybody would want a dead body is beyond me. Unless it's for deviant purposes, then it would make sense, in a funny kind of way."

Man To Create "Frankenstein" Monster For Charity

Trent Vale caretaker Jim Bonkers has decided to take on an ambitious project for charity: he is going to create a monster from dead body parts!

"The idea struck me when I was watching 'Hollyoaks' one day," said the 55-year-old. "I wondered what would happen if I mixed together my favourite parts from my favourite actresses on the show to create one perfect super hot slut. I thought it sounded good."

Mr Bonkers has not disclosed where he will get the body parts from. "Seems legit though," he explained.

All money raised will go to the Help For Heroes charity. "I see all the coverage they get in the media so I know it must all be good work that's above board," says Jim.

Donations can be made by going to the Just Giving website and searching for "Bonkers monster".

Mr Bonkers hopes to unveil the monster before the end of the year. "Once I've got the body parts, I will have to set about re-animating my monster. This could take days if not weeks of research. I'll then need to train the monster for polite society. This will be my biggest challenge," he explains.

The Ghost Of Christmas Past?

Did the ghost of Michael Jackson visit Stoke over Christmas? That's what Cobridge resident Deb Ridehard says happened, regardless of your answer to that first question.

"MJ flew into my room on Christmas Eve after my parents had sent me to bed," Deb wrote on her Tumblr blog. "He cuddled me and told me Santa would come soon."

Jacko, known as the "Kong of Pop", was a Jehovah's Witness but later changed his religion to something else that allowed him to celebrate Christmas, something he did every year by inviting lots of children to his house.

"MJ got into bed with me and stroked my hair til I fell asleep," Deb added. "He didn't nonce me off or nothing. Haters gonna hate."