Burslem Road

The Burslem Road is an underwater rock formation in Lake Burslem. The Road consists of a 900 metre-long north-south linear feature composed of roughly rectangular stone blocks.

On September 2, 1968, while diving in 10 metres of water off what is now known as Phil Taylor Bay, Keg Hunter encountered an extensive "pavement" of what later was found to be stones of varying size and thickness. After this discovery, the Burslem Road has been visited and examined by geologists, archaeologists, anthropologists, marine engineers, divers and celebrities. In addition to the Burslem Road, investigators have found two additional "pavement-like" linear features that lie parallel to and shoreward of Burslem Road.

In 1978, Burslem's radiocarbon laboratory calculated that the shells composing the Burslem Road are about 3,500 years old.

The Burslem Road, the largest of the three linear features, consists of stone blocks measuring as much as 3–4m in horizontal dimensions, with the average size being 2–3m. The blocks consist of limestone composed of carbonate-cemented shell hash that is called "acerock". Acerock is native to Burslem. Given the degree that these blocks have been eroded, it is highly implausible that any original surface features, including any tool marks and inscriptions, would have survived this degree of erosion.

The consensus among conventional geologists and archaeologists is that the Burslem Road is a natural feature composed of acerock that have broken up into rectangular, polygonal and irregular blocks.

As a result of the unusual arrangement and shape of the stones some believe that the formation is the remains of an ancient road, wall, worship site or some other deliberately constructed feature. Nigel Rockbasher, a retired naval chef, was part of a famous expedition sponsored by Dave Munton in 1995, at the height of the Blur vs Oasis Britpop battle, that included explorers and a number of psychics from the Crystal O'Future Foundation. The group stated that there was "little doubt" that the massive stone blocks were cut by people or aliens, based on their experience of looking at, and sometimes even touching, rocks.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 3: The Death of Paul McCartney

We all know that Wings and Frog Chorus frontman Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced by a lookalike. However, what if I spat into your open mouth like you were a cheap hooker and told you that this was all a lie and it was actually John Lennon who had really died and been doppelganged?

Secret documents, bearing the legend "For Your Eyes Only", meaning it's not intended for plebs like us, but for people high up in government, have been shown to me confirming that Lennon died in a car crash soon after England won the World Cup in the summer of 1966. Worried about the impact this may have on the nation's good mood and the economy, the then government insisted that The Beatles replace Lennon, which they did with lookalike competition winner Kev Barry. The rumour was then spread that McCartney had died and been replaced because this was easy to disprove if required, and meant that no-one would suspect that it was John who had actually died.

Clues were left by the remaining Beatles for fans to find. The cover of "Abbey Road" shows John at the front, dressed in heavenly white, to show he is dead but in the good place. John is also the only Beatle with hands in his pockets, to hide his fingerprints and thus cover the fact that he is not the original John. Also, When 'Revolution 9' is played backwards, the replacement John clearly says "Turn me on, I'm a dead man, yeah."

Lennon's relationship with Yoko Ono is also a significant indicator of Lennon's death as Kev Barry (John's replacement) was notoriously a fan of Asian babes, subscribing to at least three different magazines on the subject before he replaced the dead Beatle.

World Didn't End Then

Stokies have been celebrating all day after it was revealed by inside sources that the world didn't end yesterday as planned.

"This is great news," said local business leader Dave Munton at a celebratory rave in Hanley. "I'm gonna get some pussy tonight to celebrate."

Bullshit

Mexican cult the Mayans had predicted the world's end, much to the amusement of local apocalypse experts.

"This shows that all them foreign cults are just bullshitters," said local cult leader Fred Gash. "Bullshitters, I say. We predict that the world will actually end in 2014, and everything is still on track for that to happen."

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 2: The Moon Landings

There are lazy bozos out there who claim that the moon landings were faked and that the landing footage was filmed in a big studio out in the desert somewhere.

FALSE!

The truth is that man didn't land on the moon, but actually landed on Mars! According to documents I've seen, marked as "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you", NASA didn't think that the world was ready for man landing on Mars so they just pretended Mars was the Moon. This is why the photographs of the landings have shadows in all the wrong places (if they were on the moon) and lead people to believe that they were faked.

Next time: Noel Edmonds

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No.1: The Assassination of JFK

The accepted version of events today is that Frank Sinatra killed JFK. But what if I told you that it wasn't "ol' blue eyes" who offed JFK after all?

I have seen top secret documents that suggest that it was Lee Harvey Oswald who killed JFK, and he set it up for Frank Sinatra and his mafia buddies to get the blame. After getting arrested, Harvey's plan was that the blame would be put onto Sinatra and he would get away with the murder.

However, he didn't reckon with Jack Ruby, who knew the truth and killed him, but was then silenced by Richard Nixon, as part of his conspiracy to eventually become president, and the blame remained on Sinatra. The Kaiser Chiefs commemorated Ruby by writing a song about him, 'Ruby', which reached number one in the hit parade.

Stoke Paranomal Society Wins Shitloads Of Awards

Stoke Paranormal Society has taken home five of the top honours at the Stoke Online Paranormal Media Awards, which seek to recognise the best online paranormal news and journalism. Winners were announced last night at a ceremony held at the Britannia Stadium in front of a full house of thousands of screaming paranormal fans.

We won:

- Website of the Year

- Best Paranormal News Site

- Best Technical Innovation: for putting links to other sites on the blog

- Best Twitter Feed: Monty Deschanel

- Best Use of Social Media: for the coverage of January's siege in Shelton

The after-show party

This blog, which was named Website of the Year, was highly praised by the 20 strong judging panel with judges saying that it was "the first and the best" and that it "set the pace early on and continues to dominate the paranormal investigation field in Stoke."

Monty Deschanel's Twitter feed (@MontyDeschanel) was described as "journalism through the medium of Twitter at its best".

Dave Munton, the founder of the awards, said: "I'm delighted to see the Stoke Paranormal Society getting the recognition it deserves, as it has been a pioneer for online news over the past year and continues to strike the right balance between news, features and paranormal coverage."

The event, which attracted entries from some of Stoke's leading paranormal websites, including PPI and Stoke-Paranormal, both of whom went home empty handed, was sponsored by Munton's Pikelets.

The Trentham Lines

The Trentham Lines are a series of ancient geoglyphs (designs in the ground) located in Trentham Valley, at the heart of the Trentham Desert, south of Stoke. "Trentham lines" is also a local slang phrase for cocaine.

They were designated as a 'Site of World Heritage' by Stoke City Council in 1993. Local scholars believe the lines were created by ancient Stokies between 400 and 650 AD. Many of the geoglyphs are just lines but there are also designs of monkeys, dogs and topless women.

Due to the dry, windless, and stable climate of the Trentham Desert, the lines have for the most part been preserved. Extremely rare changes in weather may temporarily alter the general designs.

A monkey design, located in the
west side of Trentham Valley

There are many different theories as to the purpose of the geoglyphs, including fertility, water-summoning, religious symbolism and alien involvement.

In a forthcoming book, local author Dave Munton suggests the Trentham Lines represent higher technological knowledge than existed when the glyphs were created. Munton asserts that the lines are runways of an ancient UFO airfield that was used by extraterrestrials. These aliens were mistaken by Stoke natives to be their gods.

Voodoo In Stoke

Voodoo is perhaps the most mysterious of all mainstream religions. It can also be a very powerful force. It is believed by some that Voodoo can even be used to kill enemies and to resurrect dead believers in a zombified state!

Many slaves brought to Stoke in the 1700s were Voodoo worshippers. However, in Stoke, they found they were at the forefront of a backlash against Voodoo by the Catholic Church. Catholic slave-owners were encouraged by church leaders to convert their slaves "with lethal force".

However, Voodoo High Priest Eric Djemba-Germain roused his followers in Stoke. Several high profile Catholics died under mysterious circumstances around this time, the most bizarre being a priest who was found dead while having sex with a scarecrow. The Voodoo Church claimed responsibility. The Catholic Church called an uneasy truce.

Some Catholics

Catholic priests continued to speak against Voodoo from the pulpits but did not actively campaign against their rival religion until 1796 when an impatient bishop, Padraig McCock, began to organise anti-voodoo rallies and beatings. In 1800, the Catholic Church launched a violent campaign of renunciation directed at Voodoo followers. The priests went about their attacks with such a blood-thirst that the English government was forced to intercede and command them to cease and desist.

Despite the persecution, the Voodoo faith was continued in secret, particularly in Hanley's French Quarter. Over time it even adopted some aspects of the Catholic religion, as descendants of the original believers spread throughout across the world. The beliefs of European workers mixed with Voodoo practices of slaves was soon created in Stoke with its fertile blend of immigrant cultures.

Dave Munton, who has investigated
Voodoo practises

Today, it is believed that 10% of Stoke citizens, mainly people who live in the French Quarter in Hanley, practise Voodoo.

There is still a great deal of mystery and fear attached to Voodoo rituals. At a Voodoo ceremony, there is normally a feast (consisting of traditional Stoke foods such as oatcakes, pikelets and chips), worshipping, dancing and chanting. Normally an animal such as a chicken, goat, sheep or wolf is sacrificed and their blood is collected. This is used to sate the hunger of the angry gods.

Also well known are Voodoo dolls and Voodoo curses. Local entrepreneur and romantic swashbuckler Dave Munton spent several years collecting examples of "Voodoo death", instances in which men and women died as a result of being the recipient of a curse, an alleged supernatural visitation, or the breaking of some tribal or cultural taboo.

Voodoo black magic is performed by priests who place curses, and stick pins in Voodoo dolls to cause people pain and suffering. However, this use of Voodoo is now performed mainly for tourists, and the faith is promoted by its followers as being a wonderful way to understand the human condition and the world around us.

It is estimated there are now more than 60 million people who practice Voodoo worldwide, largely where people from Africa, Haiti and Stoke have settled.

The Voodoo Church in Stoke also operates celebrity centres for its many high profile followers. Members of the public are not banned from the centres but are encouraged not to attend and bother the important people. The centres were established in 1954 to attract celebrities, artists, politicians and captains of industry to attend. Church leaders believe that Voodoo speaks to celebrities and high profile people better than other religions. "It's like this: Voodoo suits celebrity personalities," explains High Priestess LaDonna Brubaker. "People who have money and fame need spiritual validation and guidance, which we can offer. Plus, we only take 7.5% of their earnings compared to the 10% most other religions want from celebrities."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (9)

The backstage changing rooms at Hanley gentlemen's club Lapland UK are said to be haunted. Performers claim to have heard strange noises in there on many occasions.

Dave Munton, sexual innovator

Owner of the club, explorer and sexual philosopher Dave Munton, says he has been investigating for several years but has yet to reach any solid conclusions on the matter. "This is the best damn titty bar in Stoke," he says. "And I'll be bollocksed if I let ghosts ruin it. So I've installed cameras in all backstage areas to look for signs."

Crop Circles: A Cynic's View

Of course, not everyone believes that crop circles are of extraterrestrial origin.

Dick Mellor, yesterday

Traffic warden Dick Mellor, who wears an orthopaedic shoe on his left foot because he suffers from hammer toe, self-published a leaflet in 1998 called 'Crop Circles: A Truth Punch To The UFO Face by Traffic Warden Dick Mellor'. He wrote: "If crop circles are the work of hoaxers, then they should stop doing it now. They are breaking the law, embarassing the city and molesting the local food supply. If aliens from another planet are responsible, they should return at once to where they came from and leave us alone. And if supernatural, the beings responsible should realise that us Stokies do not stand for this kind of thing; we are not willing to accept supernatural happenings of any kind. Not in this town and not on my watch."

Critics of Mellor are not shy in coming forward. "He's a fucking tit-munching monkey bollock, and you can quote me on that," says leading medium Crystal O'Future. Dave Munton once described Mellor as a "knob-toed bender".

Lake Burslem Monster: The History

The Lake Burslem Monster, sometimes called “Bursie” or “Bossie” is a creature reported to live in Lake Burslem. Burslem is located south of the mountainous Fegg Hayes area and north of the Forested area of Central Forest Park. Lake Burslem is around 12 miles long and 1 mile wide, and is more than 1000 feet deep and ice free.

The western edge of Lake Burslem

Bursie is one of the best-known mysteries in the world, though most mainstream scientists regard Bursie reports as hoaxes or misidentification of mundane creatures.

Some local researchers, included noted psychic Crystal O’Future and Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Bossie Foundation) postulate that there are no anomalous physical creatures within the lake. These researchers argue that many of the reported sightings must be attributed to hoaxes or misidentification of conventional creatures and objects because of the absence of physical evidence.

Most accounts of Bursie describe a creature resembling the long-extinct plesiosaur. Fossils of this creature show that it had a long neck, small head and flippers; most of the Bursie witnesses describe something similar. A gaping red mouth and horns or antennae on the top of the creature's head is often mentioned by witnesses. Bursie’s movements have been studied, and the films and photos analysed to determine what Bursie might be, if she exists. But some other sightings describe Bursie differently.

Theories as to the exact nature of the Lake Burslem Monster sightings are varied: misidentification of seals, fish, logs, mirages and light distortion, crossing of boat wakes, or unusual wave patterns. Very large octopus have also been found in Lake Burslem, and due to octopus’s size and unusual appearance, one could easily be mistaken for a monster by someone not familiar with it. Local paranormal expert and pikelet impresario Dave Munton argues that only a small residue of reported lake sightings could be paranormal or supernatural in nature. Munton, who has a conviction for sexual fraud, believes Bursie is a pan-dimensional time-traveller, here to warn us against the dangers of pollution, global warming and other similar issues. He does not give a reason why he believes that.

Some sheep near to Lake Burslem

Carvings have been found in caves near to the lake, believed to have been made almost 2000 years ago by the ancient inhabitants of Burslem. These carvings show an aquatic beast eating nudists who dared to venture too close to the lake. The earliest recorded literary reference is a diary by Italian Monk St Kevin of Palermo, who claimed in 532 AD that he fought off the monster when it attacked the naked young boys who were accompanying him on a journey. Critics have questioned the reliability of the source, noting a different story in which St Kevin slays a wild dragon by the power of his penis. They also point out that, according to his diaries, St Kevin encounters and conquers assorted monsters at various places in Europe throughout his life, always defeating them, often with the power of his penis or testicles. Additionally, it has been pointed out that the Lake Burslem Monster has few other reported instance of attacking anyone, and in fact is generally portrayed as shy and people-avoidant.

In around 1912, a new road was built on the northern shore of the lake, originally designed to allow tourists to access the Fegg Hayes Mountain Range. This new road provided easy access to unobstructed views of the water. Bursie sightings increased immediately and began to draw international attention.

The first modern sighting occurred in January 1913. The Daily Oatcake newspaper carried a story of Paul Sifter, who reportedly saw a massive monster thrashing about on the surface. The report of the "MONSTER!" (a headline chosen by the editor) became a media sensation with newspapers in London, who sent reporters and an elephant circus to Stoke, and offered a reward of 25 pounds for the capture and killing of the monster. In June that year, Phil Mycock claimed to have witnessed Bursie. Mycock, who would go on to die during World War I fighting for Bulgaria, described the creature as having its head set low in the water and opening and closing its mouth as if it was smoking an invisible cigar.

Fegg Hayes Yeti: The Tunstall Tail

The Tunstall Tail is an artefact stolen from a Taoist monastery in Tunstall. Supporters contend that the tail is from the Fegg Hayes Yeti. Critics argue that this claim is a load of old rubbish however, and is in fact a fraud.

Dave Munton first heard accounts of the possible existence of a Yeti tail held as a ritual artefact in the monastery in Tunstall during one of his "Abominable Stokeman" treks in 1977. These expeditions were the first to bring photographs of the tail back to Hanley.

On later expeditions in and around Tunstall and Chell, Munton’s associates gathered more information on the Tunstall Tail, and an effort to further examine it was planned. In 1999, Pete Grimes, a member of Munton's expedition that year, reportedly stole pieces of the artefact after the monks who owned it refused to allow its removal for study or play. Grimes claimed to have replaced the stolen bone fragments with badger bones he had taken from Longton Zoo, rewrapping the hand to disguise his theft.

Grimes smuggled the bones from Tunstall into Chell Heath, after which media personality Jonathan Wilkes allegedly smuggled the tail out of Chell Heath in his Widow Twanky pantomime costume. Chat show host Paul O’Grady discovered the story in 2007 while interviewing Wilkes about his forthcoming show 'Stoke's Got Talent'. Wilkes, a close friend of Take That dancer Gary Barlow, confirmed details of the incidents with written materials from the Dave Munton archives.

Jonathan Wilkes takes a break from
his busy work schedule

Staffordshire University Lecturer Phil Majors conducted a physical examination of the pieces that Grimes supplied. His first findings were that the pieces were "definitely bone" and later in 2000 he decided that the Tunstall Tail fragments were "a closer match to some monkey or other than to a human or dog".

In 2001, in conjunction with Majors's research, it was discovered that the Munton expedition consultant, a Derby-based anthropologist by the name of Cletus Conk, had sold samples of the alleged Yeti tail to American shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, who had the bones ground down so he could smoke them in a pipe.

During her highly-publicised 2008 autobiography promotional tour, Fearne Cotton took a side trip to Tunstall to investigate the tail. Cotton was unaware of the possibility that she was looking at a combination of the original material and the badger bones placed there by Grimes. Cotton determined the tail was a hoax.

In 2009, the entire tail was stolen from the Tunstall monastery, and reportedly disappeared into a private collection in Derbyshire. "Don't look at me," Jonathan Wilkes said about the theft.

Fegg Hayes Yeti vs. Sir Edmund Hillary

Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to reach the summit of Mount Everest. Well, he was the first white man to reach the summit. The first white man from a sensible Commonwealth country, at least.

When news of the Fegg Hayes Yeti reached New Zealand in 1942, they inspired a young Edmund Hillary to vow to visit Stoke one day and explore the Fegg Hayes mountains and find proof of the Yeti. “I vow to visit Stoke one day and explore the Fegg Hayes mountains and find proof of the Yeti,” he is reported to have said.

Sir Edmund finally started his famous expedition to look for the Yeti in 1959; he had been the first man to reach the top of Mount Everest in 1953. Since Shipman and Bubbles had found their tracks some years earlier, many other explorers had searched for and found more. Sir Edmund had even found giant foot prints on the way up to the top of Mount Everest, in 1953, thought to be of the Nepalese Yeti, probably a distant descendant of the Fegg Hayes Yeti.

Edmund lead the 1959 trip in association with local businessman, philanthropist and sexual adventurer Dave Munton. The expedition was sponsored by Coca Cola and Tunstall Assurance and was well equipped.

Dave Munton, yesterday

The party had ten Sherpa, cameras, including infrared and night vision equipment, a portaloo and a mobile disco. Despite a six-month stay the group failed to find any convincing evidence of the existence of the Yeti. The artefacts they did find, two skeletons and a scalp, turned out to belong to two circus midgets and a dwarf.

At the time Hillary came to the conclusion that the Fegg Hayes Yeti was a legend and nothing more. “I have come to the conclusion that the Fegg Hayes Yeti is a legend and nothing more,” he said.

Later, Munton concluded that the problem with the expedition was that it had been too big and clumsy. “The Sherpa spent most of their time lugging around all of the coke bottles Coca Cola had given us,” he explained. “Also, we forgot to take a map with us. In the end, we didn't see a Yeti, which disappointed us, but we did see a UFO and some ghosts.” Munton would later fund further expeditions to search for the Fegg Hayes Yeti.

I'd Like To Thank...

The blog is one week old!!

So far the reaction has been pretty good. Here is a selection of the many good reviews:

"An essential guide to the paranormal. If you happen to live in Stoke" - Crystal O'Future, psychic and medium

"The first thing I look at in the morning" - Example Gobbs, The Daily Gargoyle

"About bloody time!" - Dave Munton, explorer

"I may or may not have read this website" - Tony Pulis, Stoke City FC

"Back of the net!"

It's not all been good. I'm not going to lie, there's been some doubters and non-believers. Here's what they've said:

"A tear on the face of Mother Earth" - The Stoke Skeptic Magazine

"A shit stain of hapless paranormal investigations and bungling paranoia" - Stoke Society of the Paranormal

"I did not see it" - Arsene Wenger, Arsenal FC

"I did not see it"

What do I say to the skeptics? I say: I spit on your grave and I sleep with your daughters!

That is all.