Did Jesus Visit Stoke?

Mormon history experts have got Stokies excited after they announced that Jesus may have stopped off in Stoke on his way to America.

"We all know that Jesus went to America in his latter years, that much is fact," says Mormon spokesman Ken Thong. "And we believe he may have spent a night in Stoke on his way to one of the northern ports that would have taken him to the US."

Mormons deny that they have made this story up, and similar ones for every town in the world, just to get good publicity for the church in the wake of Mormon-mocking musical 'The Book of Mormon'.

"Tish and fipsy," says Mr Thong. "This could quite literally be true."

Paranormal Investigator Sex Tape Shame

Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's most famous paranormal investigators, has been forced to apologise after sex tapes featuring him were leaked on the internet.

The 42 minute video has proved a hit with porn fans but comes just days after the investigator was announced as the public face of Mothercare in Hanley.

The video features three scenes. The first shows Mick and three other paranormal investigators innocently roasting two fangirls after the recent Packmoor GhostCon in a beige hotel room.

The second scene features Mick and a tall blonde glamour model. They engage in rough anal sex before Mick gives the woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, or until she is able to sell her story to a tabloid newspaper, a "dirty sanchez".

The final scene features Mick getting penetrated from behind by a chubby brunette woman with a strap-on. Mick is heard yelling "Fuck me like I'm your bitch," and later asks for her to spit in his mouth as he masturbates to climax.

Local film critic David Murray enjoyed the video but has reservations. "There seems to be little in the way of plot or character development, but the performances are solid. I see this film as a satire of the current Conservative-Lib Dem coalition, starting off in a party mood but quickly degrading into ever more desperate acts for satisfaction. It's good but not a classic."

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 3: The Death of Paul McCartney

We all know that Wings and Frog Chorus frontman Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced by a lookalike. However, what if I spat into your open mouth like you were a cheap hooker and told you that this was all a lie and it was actually John Lennon who had really died and been doppelganged?

Secret documents, bearing the legend "For Your Eyes Only", meaning it's not intended for plebs like us, but for people high up in government, have been shown to me confirming that Lennon died in a car crash soon after England won the World Cup in the summer of 1966. Worried about the impact this may have on the nation's good mood and the economy, the then government insisted that The Beatles replace Lennon, which they did with lookalike competition winner Kev Barry. The rumour was then spread that McCartney had died and been replaced because this was easy to disprove if required, and meant that no-one would suspect that it was John who had actually died.

Clues were left by the remaining Beatles for fans to find. The cover of "Abbey Road" shows John at the front, dressed in heavenly white, to show he is dead but in the good place. John is also the only Beatle with hands in his pockets, to hide his fingerprints and thus cover the fact that he is not the original John. Also, When 'Revolution 9' is played backwards, the replacement John clearly says "Turn me on, I'm a dead man, yeah."

Lennon's relationship with Yoko Ono is also a significant indicator of Lennon's death as Kev Barry (John's replacement) was notoriously a fan of Asian babes, subscribing to at least three different magazines on the subject before he replaced the dead Beatle.

Bank Deposit

Birches Head International is one of the biggest banks in the region, whose prestigious clients include Jonathan Wilkes and bearded funny man Dave Gorman, who has an online savings account.

In 2004, the board decided to hire psychic medium Crystal O'Future to help deal with a ghost that was bothering staff in the Prayer Room!

Bank spokesman Perry Boner explained that the ghost's behaviour had recently got out of hand. "Our lunch maid, Mrs Muntford, was on her knees praying to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ – Amen. When she got up, she the ghost tried to cock-slap her in the face, with some success."

A priest was called and, together with Crystal, the ghost was put out of its misery.