Halloween

Halloween is one of the busiest times of year in Stoke and this year is no exception, with an estimated 700,000 people ready to join in the local celebrations!

The party will begin with the ceremonial burning of the (wicker) witch, which won't feature a real witch obviously, as the burning of witches was outlawed in Stoke in the 1980s. Jonathan Wilkes will light the witch, designed this year to look like Sir Jimmy Savile, with a traditional Stoke molotov cocktail before the celebrations get into full swing with ethnic dancing and naked tom-foolery.

Peter Pumpkincrouch

Highlights this year include a parade of movie villains and a float featuring Tony Pulis as "king of the parade".

Police have warned revellers to check that they buy their LSD from reputable outlets following last year's "psychedlic shitstorm", when a bad batch lead to a mass outbreak of diarrhoea in the city.

Crystal O'Future: "I'll Take Savile To Task"

Celebrity medium Crystal O’Future has outlined her most ambitious stunt ever: she will attempt to contact dead nonce Sir Jim’ll Savile and psychically reprimand him!

"It's become clear now that he nonced off a load of kids over the years," said the medium (real name: Bev Scaggs) at a launch party. "He probably thought he'd got away with it when he died. Well, he didn't factor me into his pervy plans."

In a forthcoming TV special, to be broadcast live on Sky One, Crystal will ask her spirit guide Alan to bully Sir Jim'll in the afterlife, and ask other spirits to do the same.

In the final segment of the show, over pictures of distressed teenagers, Crystal will then confront Sir Jim'll and present covers of newspaper stories about the scandal to him and ask for his response. If/as he attempts to comment, Crystal plans on interrupting the former wrestler by saying the names of his alleged victims and looking angry.

Guests confirmed for the show include Paul Gambuccini, Esther Rantzen, Kirsty Gallacher and street dance crew Diversity.

The show will end with the song 'Wind of Change' by Scorpions being played over the credits, which will feature Crystal walking through the empty streets of Stoke looking disappointed and bog-eyed.

Stoke Paranormal Society Celebrates Anniversary

Friends, and to a lesser extent enemies, you'll have to excuse the lack of posts recently, but that is because the Stoke Paranormal Society is about to turn 1200 years old and we've all been too busy celebrating to do any work!

Founded during the dark ages in 812 AD by Lady Catherine Deschanel, when Stoke was a (crucial) part of the kingdom of Mercia, the organisation was created as a secret society through which proper paranormal investigations could be made. Such scientific practises were banned at a time of religious rule, especially during the then reign of King Coenwulf of Mercia, a hardened supporter of the papacy, and probable deviant.

Over the many years since, the society has grown from strength-to-strength and now employs over 200 full time staff to investigate everything from "Bursie" (the Lake Burslem monster) to crop circles, in places as far apart as Fegg Hayes and Trentham!

As I've said, there's been lots of celebrating this grand achievement going here on at Deschanel Towers. Celebrations which have included lots of alcohol, some illegal substances, extra-marital affairs and, if the forums on MumsNet are to be believed, members of staff shitting in the middle of public playgrounds!

We hope you enjoy being a part of the Stoke Paranormal Society. Here's to the next 1200 years! *cheers*

Strange Bones Discovered At Stoke Sentral

Construction on Stoke's new bus station and retail complex, Stoke Sentral (aka: City Sentral), has ground to a halt after strange bones were discovered at the site.

The bus station part of the complex, planned to be open before the end of the year, is not now expected to be completed until the excavation for further bones is complete. The retail complex, due for completion in 2015 will also be delayed.

"These could be anything from dinosaur bones to vampires or aliens," says archaeology expert Pob Hemsworth. "Wild speculation is the order of the day until we have knocked everything down and can trawl through the wreckage with hammers. The regeneration of Stoke city centre can wait, bones are more important than progress."

PETA Attack Paranormal Investigator

Animal rights activists from PETA have attacked paranormal investigator Mick Wessex after he wore a fur outfit to the opening of a new exhibition at the Potteries Museum and Art Gallery in Hanley.

The activists doused Mick in animal blood and shit as he sauntered into the venue wearing a custom made squirrel fur catsuit and ratskin leather boots and cowboy hat.

Mick Wessex

"They just ran up and doused the little fella with gallons of the stuff," said onlooker Road Kenilworth. "It was humiliating, but funny at the same time, as these things often are."

"I think I got a few punches in on a couple of 'em," squealed Mick to journalists as he was dragged away from the ensuing brawl by police. "I REGRET NOTHING!" he shouted as the police car sped away.

Ghosts Burgle Pensioner

Two ghosts posed as FBI agents after breaking into an elderly woman's home to steal her possessions.

The pair of spooks had forced their way into the terrace house in Elton Welsby Street in Fenton, when they are thought to have been confronted by the angry pensioner. They tried to trick the woman by showing her an ID card with 'FBI' on it.

Two ghosts

The burglars then fled with cash and jam before she had time to raise the alarm. Now Staffordshire Police are consulting with mediums to hunt the two ghosts who were described as "see through" and "floaty".

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "We are urging residents to be on their guard and report any suspicious ghosts immediately. Residents should always ask to see identification from any ghost and ask for a phone number to verify that they are who they say they are."

Beware Ghost In Goldenhill

If you're planning on going dogging anytime soon next to Goldenhill Golf Course, just off Kidsgrove Road, you might want to be aware of the ghost reported to be haunting the area!

I've never been, but dogging friends of mine have, and they are reporting that a pervy apparition has been spying on the hot outdoor action, and sometimes, commentating on it too!

"We're used to people watching us," says official dogger spokesman Fred Claus. "And we get off on it, but noobs might get weirded out by it the first time, so they should be careful."

Tonight's main dogging hotspots will be at the following car parks:

Chell Heath Conservative Working Men's Club

Dimensions Leisure Centre (Burslem)

Fegg Hayes Calvinist Chapel

Goldenhill Golf Course

Middleport Adventure Theme Park

Norton Space Centre

Wedgwood Museum

Mick Wessex: My Drug Hell

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has issued an apology to fans after being arrested for possession of cocaine.

Mick was enjoying a night out with friends at ST1 in Hanley when a fight broke out with dancers in the VIP section. Police discovered the drugs in Mick's pants after a strip search in the car park.

"I'm sorry that I got caught packing gak," the renowned investigator told MumsNet. "I've let down my fans, especially the kids who look up to me. My Momma is gonna kill me."

Wessex said he got the cocaine from a "council estate chav" who gave him the drugs as he recognised him from local media outlets. He says he may have had "a cheeky snort" but "didn't inhale".

Wessex courted controversy with drugs earlier in his career, when he was known as the "rock 'n' roll paranormal investigator". He once declared in an interview in GQ magazine that taking drugs was "as common in Stoke as eating muffins" and that "doing speed sharpens the investigation senses".

Staffordshire Police will take no further action against Mick after the cocaine disappeared from its evidence locker. "Someone may have taken it out to have a look at and forgotten to put it back," said police spokesman Barry Shanks.

Swingers Sprayed Man With Bigfoot Spray

When Bert Bostick, 66, and his fuck-muffin Beryl Reid, 31, contacted David Munphy on MumsNet and invited him to spend the weekend at their secluded cottage in Norton, little did they know it would end in court proceedings.

Munphy arrived on a Thursday evening and Fenton Magistrates Court heard that the drug-fuelled weekend had "gone well" until the early hours of Saturday morning, when he refused to have his photograph taken on a mobile phone.

Bostick then sprayed Munphy in the face with Bigfoot Wild Max Attack Spray and Mr Munphy fled the house leaving his belongings behind. A kerb crawler found him running down the road and police were called to the cottage. Bostick and Reid were later arrested.

Judge Terry Hatepunch heard that the couple admitted assaulting Mr Munphy on 21 April earlier this year. Wayne Biggins, prosecuting, said the visitor was urinating in a hot tub while drinking a can of deliciously smooth but strong Tennent's Extra, when Bostick pointed his mobile phone at Mr Munphy's backside and said: "Smile for the camera."

Mr Biggins added: "After Mr Munphy got a benny on about it, Mr Bostick then said to him, 'Did you think you can come here all weekend, jizz all over my wife, and nothing would happen, you stupid fucktard?'"

Bostick and Reid admitted assaulting Mr Munphy by threatening to stab him with an icicle "so there's no evidence" and discharging the Bigfoot repellent in his face. Barclay also admitted unlawful possession of illegal icicles worth up to £7,500.

Alternative Therapies Under Threat

A series of alternative therapy health services in North Staffordshire face being cut back or scrapped after a councillor read a Wikipedia article saying that they are unproven.

"Looking at our health budget, we spend more on alternative therapies than we do on hospitals and GPs and shit," says city councillor Bert Barcroft. "And this must change. Therapies such as 'buttock frenching', 'psychic pumping' and 'soul clamming' are not health practises recognised by the experts. As far as I am aware. Though I could be wrong, and often am."

Celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future
(real name: Bev Scaggs)

"I don't care what the so-called 'experts' reckon," says celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future. "I know better and I know that these therapies work. A chat with any of the vulnerable old ladies who pay £150 per session for my services can testify to that. TESTIFY!"

Tracy Cocking is Stoke's leading practitioner of 'hate dancing', where she gets criminals to dance the illegal tendencies right out of their body. "My work is tried and tested," she says. "Over 5% of crims who come to my studio do not get caught re-offending again within 3 weeks of seeing me. That is under threat now. It's a disgrace."