Reader Appeal

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following appeal:

"I'm looking to start a powerful new secret society, here in Stoke. Influential people and professionals from local industry are welcome to join. Grunt workers and scroungers are not. I'm looking to get into the puppet master game. I would like us to rule Stoke from the shadows, as well as hopefully being involved in lots of other shady dealings and conspiracies. I have a coat of arms and secret handshake ready to use. My mum says we can use her house for meetings. She will also provide sarnies and crisps."

If you're interested, please get in touch with Chubb.

Man Gets Driving Ban For Protecting Children From Monsters

A Stokie has been punished after he was caught travelling with four children in the boot of his car. He said he did it to keep them safe from any potential monsters, including the Fegg Hayes Yeti.

Staffordshire Police found a total of 11 people in Barry Chomp's Vauxhall Nova when they stopped him in Fegg Hayes last year. One passenger was in the driver's seat, three adults and two children were squeezed into the back, and officers discovered four more children in the boot.

A recent picture of the Fegg Hayes Yeti

Chomp was convicted of endangering his passengers and of driving without licence or insurance earlier this week at Fenton Magistrates Court. He also was fined £5.50 and banned from driving illegally.

Chomp plans to appeal the decision.

Jesus Statue Weeps Beer

A statue of Jesus eating an oatcake in Tunstall has become a pilgrimage for Christians after it began weeping beer.

"It's truly an Easter miracle," Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Burslem said. "Proof that Jesus is real and has answered our prayers."

Located at the centre of Tunstall town plaza, the statue was built in 1789 to represent oatcakes as the chosen food of God. It started weeping beer yesterday morning, Easter Sunday.

"I see it as a gift from the Easter Badger himself," drinker Steve Dave said. "He always looks after us."

Annual Badger Hunt Beckons Easter

Everyone from dumpy school kids to junkies to old people to the city's criminals on death row in HMP Werrington have come together for the annual badger hunt that marks the traditional start to the city's Easter festivities.

"The Easter Badger story goes back centuries, even pre-dating Christianity," Easter eggs-pert Tony Bates said. "It was said that the Easter Badger died for our sins, but was then resurrected on Easter Sunday. The story was stolen by them god-damned Christians. True story."

The Easter Badger traditionally brings chocolate badger eggs to children in exchange for the killing of the badger's natural enemy, the baboon.

To celebrate Easter, Stoke hosts a city-wide badger hunt every year on Good Friday, in the belief that one day, one of the culled badgers will resurrect and show itself to be the second coming of the Easter Badger.