Raoul Moat Story A Hoax

Reports that the ghost of Raoul Moat has been seen in Stoke over the past few days have turned out to be untrue.

The stories, which spread around Stoke like Oscar Wilde fire throughout the week, are thought to have been started by a young boy, who has since been arrested by Staffordshire Police and placed in solitary confinement at Death Row in HMP Werrington pending a full confession of guilt.

The rumours caused such hysteria in the city that angry mobs were formed by concerned locals to search for (and attack with hammers) Moat's ghost. Angry mob union spokesman Terrence Pegg has also confirmed that people called Raoul Mint, Raoul Boat, Barry Moat, Raoul Canal and Mustafa Islam have been accidentally beaten to death by some of the mobs who were looking for the cop-killer's ghost.

One prominent rumour towards the end of the week was that Moat's ghost had been cornered in some woods in Trentham. So convincing was the story that Staffordshire Police surrounded the area and Wayne Biggins turned up at the "siege" with a bottle of WKD, some chicken flavour crisps and a golf club, claiming that he knew Moat's ghost.

Remains Of St Francis Of Assisi Found In Stoke?

Stokies have uncovered new evidence that mysterious remains found in a 13th century monastery in Stoke belong to St Francis of Assisi.

The remains - small fragments of a skull, an arm and a right hand, all of which St Francis was said to have when he died - were discovered embedded in an altar in the ruins of an ancient monastery at Chops Manor, in Werrington.

Local archaeologists had found a small box made of cardboard close to the monastery sarcophagus. The box bore writing in English that referred to "Frank" and the date that Christians celebrate St Francis's death, 03 October.

What Brett Anderson of Suede
would look like bald

The right hand found is that which the saint allegedly butchered innocent women and children with when he was at war in 1201. Several other places of worship, including a Texan Orthodox community centre in Dallas, have previously claimed to have "the butcher's hand". Many sites around the world claim to hold relics of the saint, including St Chav's Cathedral in Serbia which says it has his head, wrists and penis.

Employees of Staffordshire University analysed the DNA  and counted the number of rings inside of the bones discovered at Chops Manor, before letting their dogs have them, finding that they came from a single individual, probably a man, or possibly a woman, which wouldn't rule out St Francis.

"We were surprised when the dating process we used produced this very early age," said media studies lecturer Derek Burgess, who led the study. "We had suspected that the bones may have been more recent than this, perhaps from the 1960s or 1970s. The result from the hand bone is clearly consistent with someone who lived in the 13th century AD. Whether that person is St Francis of Assisi is a question that we cannot yet definitely answer and probably never will. Though if anyone on the street were to ask me, I would say: 'Yes, it's him alright!'"

The findings of local novelist Gill Ramsbottom, using secret codes she found in religious text 'The Da Vinci Code', suggest that the monastery at Chops Manor may have received a portion of St Francis's relics in the fifteenth or early sixteenth centuries from a travelling Russian circus.

Two famous liars

St Francis, who made the history books when he became the first person ever to receive the stagmata, a record still listed in the Guiness Book of World Records to this very day, was a noted liar and fantasist who believed himself to be a Christ figure for his age. He also made up many stories about his own greatness including visitations from angels, conversing with wolves and converting prominent Muslims on their deathbeds, all without a single shred of evidence. He was pronounced a saint by Pope Gregory IX in 1228, 2 years after his death.

Chops Manor

During a séance at Chops Manor in Werrington in 1993, held by local medium and psychic Crystal O’Future (real name: Bev Scaggs) and her husband, Keith, they would uncover what they felt to be a strong presence of spirits at Chops Manor. Enough of a presence to make this a classic ghost story. I hope you're reading this Brian Cox! (Or should that be Brian COCKS?!)

Chops Manor

Located near the Staffordshire Moorlands border on Stoke's east side, Chops Manor was originally built as a Benedictine monastery in the 13th century. Legend has it that a monk and his lover, a priest from a nearby church, were captured by highwaymen while trying to elope and start a new life together. As the monastery refused to negotiate with highwaymen or robbers, the monk was hung while his friend the priest was walled up, alive, in the cellar of a manor outbuilding. Was this the priest who had been seen floating through the gardens, crying horrible tears? Was he the priest who roamed the property searching for his lost love behind bushes, trees and gazebos?

The manor was sold off as a residence in 1882 to Reverend Paul Perez and his family. Reverend Perez had become self-appointed pastor of Chops Manor as he owned the land, and despite warnings from local peasants and rag-and-bone men, built a rectory on a site they believed to be haunted. Over the years, Perez’s servants and his daughters were repeatedly unnerved by phantom noises, unexplained footsteps and ethnic dancing. Reverend Perez found these happenings to be wildly entertaining and he and his son, Terry, built a viewing balcony on the property where they could enjoy after-dinner opium and snuff and wait for an appearance of the phantom priest who roamed the property. After Reverend Perez died from choking on a badger bone, his son Terry inherited the establishment and position until he himself passed on in 1947, dying from infected rickets.

The house was then bought by Reverend Nigel Pike and his wife, Tracy. The ghostly happenings in the manor increased in intensity and frequency. Without any explanation, they found themselves locked out of rooms, windows would suddenly smash and personal items would vanish under their noses. As time went on, these cheeky antics became aggressive and Tracy was actually bitch-slapped by a spirit one evening. The final straw was when she was nearly made unconscious by a pistol-whipping from an angry apparition.

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Someone (or something) obviously didn’t like Tracy! Perhaps it was jealousy from a ghost that caused these physical transgressions?

The involvement of Crystal O’Future came about when Signal Radio Gold asked her to investigate following the popularity of the story after it was told on air instead of the news one day. It was during this investigation that writing started to appear on the wall, usually when Tracy was present. The ghost(s) scrawled phrases such as “TRACY POO OFF” and “TRACY LIGHT YOURSELF ON FIRE YOU SLAG”.

The Pikes moved out in 1993 and leased the house to Crystal and Keith for a full year for deeper investigation, although the tax breaks weren't unwelcomed. Now that Crystal had the house to herself for an extended period, she excavated the gardens, checked the property for hidden rooms and passageways, built a bowling alley and contacted other paranormal investigators to help her monitor and document the ghostly activities and to uncover some of the fascinating history of Chops Manor.

During one séance, a spirit named Father Alan Pegg claimed that he had been murdered by carnival folk ("carnies") in a dispute over root vegetables. To Crystal, he seemed to fit the profile of the ghost that haunted Chops Manor, even if the cause of death differed from the legend. The spirit also said the house would soon burn down, thus revealing the location of his bones, and just 11 years later a fire was started by the new owner, Captain Ken Major, as he fell asleep while cooking scampi. The fire spread fast through the manor and the rectory was destroyed. (The bowling alley survived the fire.)

Since previously inaccessible areas were now open to them, Crystal and Keith decided to excavate the cellar where they found bones and a priest's collar. Was this the proof needed to validate the story of the betrayed priest? Regardless of who the man was, the bones were thrown into a junkyard in Kidsgrove and his spirit no longer haunts Chops Manor.