Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent in the following request:

"Like R Kelly, I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Literally. I have made some wings out of old feathers and science. If you would like to test out my wings and be one of if not the first human being ever to take flight, then please meet me by the old observatory near to Trentham Monkey Park this coming Sunday morn at 10am sharp. I will be dressed like a mad scientist, including goggles, and carrying some massive wings. Thanks in advance."

RAF Trentham Defies Orders

Senior staff at RAF Trentham have told the STOKE PARANORMAL SOCIETY that they disobeyed orders from RAF bigwigs to stop investigating UFOs, and will continue to do so.

"Investigating UFO reports is probably the most fun aspect of our work," says Major General Ken Major. "All the other stuff to do with planes and helicopters is actually pretty boring and we don't really care for it that much."

It was revealed earlier this week that the RAF closed down its UFO hotline in 2009.

"We won't be stopping our UFO work," says base chief General Lib Clownfish. "We are prepared to leave the RAF and become an independent airbase if necessary."

Previous Incidents At Wessex Home, Say Police

A Staffordshire Police source has told the Stoke Paranormal Society that they have been called out to his home, a mock Tudor mansion in Trentham, on numerous occasions leading up to the shooting of his girlfriend.

"The first time, a gunshot was reported by a neighbour," says PC Barry Shanks, who wishes to remain anonymous. "We arrived to find Mr Wessex and his girlfriend drunk, trying to shoot oatcakes off each other's heads. Technically, this is not a crime so there was nothing we could do."

"The second time, an intruder was reported at the property," continues PC Shanks. "We smashed our way into the property to find Mr Wessex doing Ms Dynamite, not the rapper, but his girlfriend of the same surname, up the arse. They just stared at us and carried on. It was a bit weird so we left. We think they're the ones who made the call."

"On the third occasion, we got a call for domestic violence. We turned up to see them smacking the shit out of each other. We let them finish then gave them a ticking off. It was fifty-fifty in my eyes."

UFO Seen Near To RAF Trentham

Air Force pilot Peg Klemp was flying her standard issue jet pack on Friday night near to RAF Trentham when she encountered a UFO flying towards her.

The UFO came down to land and Peg flew onto the roof of the ship. She then tried to kick the windows in and break off the wing mirrors.

The UFO then took off and flew away, leading Peg to fall to the ground and break all her toes. The jet pack exploded on impact and is now partially infused to her spine, leaving her with a hump.

Sir Thom Geoffson

On 16 August 1878, Admiral Sir Thom Geoffson was on patrol with Stoke's Navy on Lake Burslem. Suddenly he gave orders for his ship The Boogie and the nearby The Bard Of Bentilee to turn inwards and steam towards each other.

It was obvious to all on board that disaster was imminent, but none of his subordinates dared overrule or question Geoffson's extraordinary command.

As a consequence, the two ships crashed into each other and The Boogie sank, taking the Admiral and four hundred mariners to a watery grave.

As the ship went down Sir Thom was heard to say, "This is not my fault." Military bigwigs agreed with him and laid the blame solely at cabin boy Richard Starkey's feet.

At more or less the exact moment that Sir Thom was plummeting to the lake bed, his wife was holding a seance in their house in Trentham. Suddenly Sir Thom, resplendent in full naval regalia, appeared before over a hundred guests, danced across the dancefloor, before vanishing into the chill out area.

Raoul Moat Story A Hoax

Reports that the ghost of Raoul Moat has been seen in Stoke over the past few days have turned out to be untrue.

The stories, which spread around Stoke like Oscar Wilde fire throughout the week, are thought to have been started by a young boy, who has since been arrested by Staffordshire Police and placed in solitary confinement at Death Row in HMP Werrington pending a full confession of guilt.

The rumours caused such hysteria in the city that angry mobs were formed by concerned locals to search for (and attack with hammers) Moat's ghost. Angry mob union spokesman Terrence Pegg has also confirmed that people called Raoul Mint, Raoul Boat, Barry Moat, Raoul Canal and Mustafa Islam have been accidentally beaten to death by some of the mobs who were looking for the cop-killer's ghost.

One prominent rumour towards the end of the week was that Moat's ghost had been cornered in some woods in Trentham. So convincing was the story that Staffordshire Police surrounded the area and Wayne Biggins turned up at the "siege" with a bottle of WKD, some chicken flavour crisps and a golf club, claiming that he knew Moat's ghost.

The Men Who Stare At Badgers

Word on the street is that RAF Trentham is resurrecting its controversial remote viewing programme, which was closed down several years ago amid claims that "viewers" used their powers for personal gain and sexual gratification during office hours.

The programme was designed to be used to harness the power of the mind to spy on rival armies in Russia, Stone and Crewe, and to kill people just by staring at them really hard.

If you are interested, please contact the RAF at 0845 605 5555 and ask to be transferred to RAF Trentham, remote viewing desk.

The Trentham Lines

The Trentham Lines are a series of ancient geoglyphs (designs in the ground) located in Trentham Valley, at the heart of the Trentham Desert, south of Stoke. "Trentham lines" is also a local slang phrase for cocaine.

They were designated as a 'Site of World Heritage' by Stoke City Council in 1993. Local scholars believe the lines were created by ancient Stokies between 400 and 650 AD. Many of the geoglyphs are just lines but there are also designs of monkeys, dogs and topless women.

Due to the dry, windless, and stable climate of the Trentham Desert, the lines have for the most part been preserved. Extremely rare changes in weather may temporarily alter the general designs.

A monkey design, located in the
west side of Trentham Valley

There are many different theories as to the purpose of the geoglyphs, including fertility, water-summoning, religious symbolism and alien involvement.

In a forthcoming book, local author Dave Munton suggests the Trentham Lines represent higher technological knowledge than existed when the glyphs were created. Munton asserts that the lines are runways of an ancient UFO airfield that was used by extraterrestrials. These aliens were mistaken by Stoke natives to be their gods.

RAF Trentham In UFO Gagging order

A senior military officer in Stoke has stepped into a growing row over a "gagging" order which restricts members of the armed forces from talking about UFOs with members of the public without the express permission of a government minister or a high profile right wing celebrity (such as Jeremy Clarkson), who has permission to speak on the government’s behalf.

The chief of RAF Trentham, General Barry Booth, insisted the advice was necessary, and was for reasons for national security. "This is in now way being done to cover up any secretive UFO programmes," he said. "Honest."

A UFO over Trentham

But local councillors, conspiracy theorists and UFO enthusiasts, including Paul Brown, general manager of both The Paul Brown Conspiracy Cabal and The Paul Brown UFO Club, say the RAF is trying to hide THE TRUTH. "Conspiracy theorists rely on being able to talk to people who claim to be in the military," says Brown. "We rely on these secretive people to tell us what is going on. I think these kinds of restrictions make the RAF look like a bunch of fucktarded cockpigs."

Local medium Crystal O’Future added: "This is an unwelcome change which will affect paranormal investigations of all kinds. No single government owns the RAF, it belongs to the people of this country. I didn’t die in two World Wars so the government could shit on my face like this. This seems like some sort of conspiracy. By the way, I’m talking about my past lives, just in case you’re wondering how I could have died twice before and still be alive."

In a statement to the Stoke Paranormal Society, General Booth said: "It is very important for RAF Trentham to maintain good relationships with UFO fans and conspiracy theorists, as they make up a good proportion of our local core fanbase. Along with idiot women with no imagination who like 'men in uniforms'. However, as is the case for any organisation, we are required to act in accordance with certain rules and to ensure we remain within established security guidelines. As such, the weekly Saturday night UFO theme parties we hold on our base will no longer be open to members of the public."

Worker Hurt Erecting "Beware Yeti" Sign

A Stoke City Council worker was erecting notices warning the public to be careful of the Fegg Hayes Yeti when he slipped and hurt his back, neck, wrist, arms and penis.

He made a claim for compensation and the city council has agreed to settle the case out of court, after admitting the accident could have been prevented. The final pay-out has yet to be determined but £750,000 has been set aside to compensate man and cover legal fees. Any remaining money from the fund will go to the Army's 'Hog Roast for Heroes' charity.

The council has now ordered 15,000 pairs of special slip-on shoe soles with metal spikes and studs for all council workers, costing £139 each, to be worn at work at all times, to avoid similar injuries to outdoor workers in future.

Council spokesman Ken Cocksmith said: "It's important the council takes its responsibilities to staff and members of the public seriously, while not going health and safety mad, like Derby City Council does. Council elders need to look at the best way to give those with genuine injuries access to justice, while deterring lawyers who are sleazeballs, like the one Bill Murray played in 'Wild Things'."

The incident happened in June 2011, but was only revealed yesterday after council documents were made public when a worker left them at Trentham Monkey Park.

Coffee Morning Raises Money For Local Cult

Local cult "The Visitors" organised a coffee and makeover morning on Saturday to raise money to build an expansion to their compound in Trentham.

Trinity House, named after cult leader Victor Trinity, opened its doors and invited locals to enjoy a head massage designed to stop aliens from reading their thoughts or planting hateful messages in their brains. Guests warmed up with hot beverages in Victor Cafe, followed by a massage or a manicure.

The event was organised to raise funds for the cult's 2012 appeal, which focuses on building a new barn and improved weapons storage locker.

Local business supported the event, including Jerry's Sweet Treats, Booze Heaven and Coca Cola. Claire Trinity, fundraiser for The Visitors said: "We had a small army of volunteers helping with coffees, massages and cupcakes. It was great to see the community supporting their local cult. The children had a good time with face-painting and lots of mums enjoyed a bit of pampering - all while helping to raise several hundred pounds for us. We also hope to have got some new recruits. And as we're a registered charity, it's all tax free."

The cult turns 51 years old this year and receives only a third of its funding from the government, the rest coming from private donations and fund-raising.

Ken Gayes

Ken Gayes, from Trentham, says he saw a UFO in the late-1950s, which he says "adds credibility to [his] story as UFOs were unfashionable then."

Ken Gayes, yesterday

"I had just eaten an apple, and I sneaked into my neighbour's garden to plant the pips in his prize-winning lawn," explains Ken. "I hoped the pips would grow into trees and ruin his lawn. But then, a large UFO with flashing lights flew over. My neighbour came out and saw me, called me a 'little shit' and threw a turnip at me. The worst thing is that the pips never did grow into trees and ruin his lawn."

Roy Labrador, Pie Man

On 14 July 1986, competitive pie-eater Roy Labrador discovered a large crater in one of his fields in Trentham. Roy, who doesn't look like a dog but claims he can lick his own genitalia, is in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater. "I am in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater," he says. "It looked like someone had taken a large bite out of the pie that is my field. I didn't actually see or hear the UFO, but it is as clear as pie that one came down to steal some of my potatoes and turnips, perhaps to make a massive interstellar pie."

The event generated a lot of local press attention at the time. Headlines such as "Alien Pies From The Sky" were commonplace.

Roy Labrador, yesterday

Police officers present at the site gave a different explanation. "It was just an old mineshaft that collapsed," says police officer Barry Shanks. "It's as clear as doughnuts. I'm not involved in a cover-up. Honest."

Local UFO expert Paul Brown, chairman of the Paul Brown UFO Club, has a more detailed theory. "It was caused by the landing of a big flying saucer, 337 feet in diameter and weighing 450 tonnes, with a crew of 48 beings. It's as clear as sweets. It was probably a scout ship ahead of some sort of future alien invasion."