Batman & Robin

Intro: 'Batman & Robin' is the fourth Batman film, but no-one says that it's the best. Directed by Joel Schumacher, who also directed the previous film in the series, the abominable 'Batman Forever', and with George Clooney replacing Val Kilmer as Batman, the film was released in 1997. Clooney has since described the film as a "waste of money".

Cast: George Clooney (Bruce Wayne/Batman), Chris O'Donnell (Dick Grayson/Robin), Alicia Silverstone (Barbara Wilson/Batgirl), Michael Gough (Alfred), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Dr Fries/Mr Freeze), Uma Thurman (Dr Isley/Poison Ivy), someone no-one's heard of (Bane)

1 min: Arnie is top of the credits. IT'S A BATMAN FILM! How can Clooney not be top?

2 min: We get to see close-ups of Batman and Robin's arses and crotches in their tight outfits. Thanks. For. That. The new Batmobile looks like a flimsy plastic nightmare.

3 min: The first words of the film are Robin saying: "I want a car. Chicks dig the car." Classic opening line, take that Shakespeare! "This is why Superman works alone," replies Batman. Zing!

4 min: "Don't wait up, Al," Robin says to Alfred the butler. "I'll cancel the pizzas," replies Alfred. He then pulls a face like he's shitting himself or something. He's probably meant to be ill. Commisioner Gordon tells Batman that Mr Freeze is causing havoc in Gotham.

5 min: At Gotham Museum of Art, which is covered in ice, Mr Freeze turns some cops/security guards into (more) ice, then says: "The iceman cometh." Another cop/guard begs for mercy. "I'm afraid that my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy," Arnie says. Then freezes him. Is Gore Vidal an uncredited dialogue writer in this film? Easy to see why he's called Mr Freeze. He then grabs a big diamond. Don't know why that would be in a museum of art.

6 min: Batman shows up. "You're not sending me to the cooler!" Arnie shouts. Robin shows up and kicks the diamond from Mr Freeze's hand. "Grab the gem! Kill the heroes!" Arnie shouts at his henchmen, who look like Jason Voorhees on ice skates. They must be useless in non-ice-based fights. "Yes, kill them. Kill them, yes," Arnie adds, in case in wasn't clear what he wanted his ice-skating henchmen to do.

8 min: As Batman and Robin fight about 100 henchman, Arnie shouts: "What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!" I'm not sure that's factually accurate. He then freezes a big dinosaur anyway. Again, I'm not sure why that's in a museum of art. Arnie then scarpers in a rocket he has inside of his big snow plough.

10 min: Batman and Robin go after Mr Freeze, but Batman gets trapped inside the rocket while Robin is stuck clinging to the outside of it. He gets inside and saves the B-man though, in case you were worried.

12 min: The rocket blows up but Batman and Robin use the explosion to surf (!) back to Earth, catching up with Mr Freeze and grabbing the big diamond back from him, defying the laws of gravity as they do so. Take that science!

14 min: Chasing after Mr Freeze, Robin gets frozen by his big freeze gun! "Stay cool, bird boy!" Arnie screams as he scarpers with the diamond, which he's somehow got back. Batman thaws Robin out while Mr Freeze escapes.

15 min: "Drats. My experiment to mate an orchid and a South American rattlesnake have failed again," says Uma Thurman in a lab somewhere. "But I still have high hopes for the animal-plant cross-breedings." She must be a bad guy.

17 min: In the lab next to Uma Thurman is Lionel Luthor from 'Smallville', who appears to be wearing about 3 pairs of glasses. He is experimenting on humans for the pleasure of onlookers in military uniforms. He's created Bane by feeding some liquids into his head via a big tube!

20 min: After walking in on Lionel Luthor's scheme, Uma Thurman is forced back to her lab by him and pushed over into loads of chemicals. Surely she wouldn't survive that, let alone develop some sort of special powers from the incident? Surely?

21 min: Clooney is showing a video of how Arnie became Mr Freeze. It basically entails Arnie shouting: "Argh argh argh," then jumping backwards into a vat of liquid. "That's gotta hurt," Chris O'Donnell helpfully adds.

22 min: Alfred looks like he's shitting himself again. He must be seriously ill.

24 min: It turns out that Uma Thurman survived and has turned into Poison Ivy, who was originally played by Drew Barrymore in that film called 'Poison Ivy'. You know the one. She kisses Lionel Luthor and he dies. She then takes about a minute to explain who she is now, in case it isn't clear. Her lips are now poisonous, apparently, that's why Lionel Luthor died.

26 min: Arnie is making his goons sing songs about snow for his amusement. He then reveals (to no-one) his plan to freeze Gotham, hold the city to ransom, then find a cure for his wife, who he keeps in a tank. Typical wife: lazy. You know what I'm saying, right guys?

29 min: Who's at the door to Wayne Manor? It's only that Alicia Silverstone dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl! Seemingly, she is Alfred's niece from England. She doesn't bother doing the accent.

32 min: After everyone has gone to bed, Silverstone climbs out of a window (dressed in leathers) and nicks a motorbike. BECAUSE SHE'S A REBEL.

34 min: Bane is now Uma Thurman's henchman. Don't know how that happened. Clooney is with Elle Macpherson at Gotham Observatory, donating a telescope. Thurman shows up and asks Clooney to stop polluting the Earth. He says no.

37 min: Uma Thurman starts talking out loud to herself. BECAUSE SHE'S CRAZY. She plans to kill Batman and Robin and turn Gotham into a big forest. She should get together with Arnie, they have similar plans to both kill Batman and Robin.

39 min: We now go to a fund-raising party at Gotham Botannical Gardens, where people dressed like Tarzan are swinging around. Batman and Robin are there hoping to lure Mr Freeze by showing off some big diamonds. This seems like a lame plan as Mr Freeze could easily show up and kill the hundreds of regular citizens at the party.

40 min: They seem to be auctioning off women at this party.

41 min: Uma Thurman has shown up, dressed as a monkey with pink fur. She does a seductive dance then blows some pink fumes at Batman and Robin. They are presumably under her spell or some shit.

43 min: An interviewer asks Uma Thurman who she is. "Poison, Poison Ivy," she says. Surely the name is a giveaway that SHE'S BAD? People start bidding on Posion Ivy and Batman and Robin start arguing with each other about who likes her more.

44 min: As I predicted, Mr Freeze shows up and starts laying waste to random members of the public. "Alright everyone, chill," Arnie says as he freezes people.

45 min: Fights break out. We can clearly see Clooney's foot miss a henchman by about 2 feet as he supposedly kicks kis face off. We also get comedy sound effects as Robin chucks stuff at Mr Freeze's henchmen.

46 min: They said it would never happen, that two such great, charismatic actors would appear together onscreen together at the same time. But no, Arnie and Uma Thurman are together at last! Thurman tries to blow her fumes at Mr Freeze but it doesn't work. "Cool party," Arnie says as he leaves with the diamonds.

48 min: "It's a cool town," Arnie says to himself as Batman and Robin chase after him in the Batmobile and whatever-the-bike-is-called that Robin drives. Mr Freeze shoots the Batmobile with ice but Batman ejects and captures him! Job done.

52 min: Alicia Silverstone returns to Wayne Manor but Chris O'Donnell catches her. She throws him down. "Did they teach you that at Oxbridge?" asks O'Donnell. "London is kinda rough," replies Silverstone. Didn't the scriptwriter even look at a map of England when writing this shit?

53 min: Mr Freeze gets wheeled into Arkham Asylum inside a big fridge. "Allow me to break the ice, my name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it's the chilling sound of your doom!" Arnie says to his prison guards.

58 min: Elle Macpherson now gets the chance to show she can't act, and she doesn't disappoint, telling Clooney she wants to marry him. No, girl, Clooney don't marry!

60 min: Silverstone slips out of Wayne Manor again, but O'Donnell follows her. Coolio appears. Yes, that Coolio. It turns out he organises motorbike street races for money.

61 min: The race begins! The riders race through buildings and under bridges. Quite how they would know the circuit isn't explained as this is supposedly a new route.

64 min: Some goon has somehow broken a bridge, causing Alicia Silverstone to fall off! But as she's falling, her foot is grabbed by another racer who turns out to be Chris O'Donnell. What are the chances?

65 min: Silverstone tells O'Donnell that Alfred is dying, which must be why he keeps pulling faces like he's shitting himself. Clooney already knew this. Because Clooney always knows.

67 min: Arnie gets a visitor in his cell, it's only that bloody Uma Thurman! With Bane's help, she breaks Arnie out. Bane now looks like Shrek in a mask as he's all green and shit.

72 min: Clooney and O'Donnell now realise that Poison Ivy is evil when they see CCTV footage of her breaking Arnie out of Arkham Asylum. Duh.

73 min: At Mr Freeze's base, Batman and Robin are looking at Freeze's wife, still in a tank with some sort of incurable disease. Arnie and Thurman show up, and Arnie makes the AC blow out some sort of smoke, which knocks out the cops there. We know this because one of the cops says, "Argh, my lungs," as he collapses. "Chilled to perfection," Arnie says.

74 min: Batman and Robin face off against Shrek, I mean Bane. Poison Ivy keeps trying to kiss them, to no avail.

77 min: Under Ivy's spell, Robin gets annoyed and tells Batman he's "going solo". Ivy escapes and kicks a lead going into Mr Freeze's wife's tank, presumably killing her.

78 min: Arriving back at her base, Thurman tells Arnie that Batman killed his wife. BECAUSE SHE'S EVIL. We can tell that Arnie is angry because he knocks some stuff from a table. They formulate a plan to kill all humanity. By formulate, I mean they say stuff like 'let's kill all mankind', they don't actually make any concrete plans.

80 min: Back at Wayne Manor, it seems that Alfred has got the same disease that Mr Freeze's wife has got. What are the chances?

82 min: Alfred gives Alicia Silverstone a disc for her to pass to his brother and tells her "never open it". What's the bets that she opens it?

83 min: We're back at Gotham Observatory. I guess they spent a fortune on the set, they need to get their money's worth. Uma Thurman is there and convinces Commissoner Gordon to hand over the keys to that batlight thing that shines the Batman symbol into the sky. Don't know what it's called.

86 min: Guess what? Alicia Silverstone is reading the disc Alfred gave her. On the disc are schematics for the Batmobile and stuff.

89 min: Arnie says he needs the power of Gotham's new telescope to freeze Gotham. Hopefully this won't mean more scenes at the dreary Gotham Observatory. A Robin signal shines in the sky. Batman and Robin argue again. It's obviously a trap by Poison Ivy you idiots!

91 min: Arnie and Bane break into Gotham Observatory. I don't know why we keep comong back here, it's not even an impressive set. Bane places some plastic icicles around the telescope. "If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest, it's time to feast!" Arnie says. What? "Tonight, hell freezes over," Arnie adds, as he fires the telescope, which is inexplicably now a freezing ray gun.

92 min: Alicia Silverstone is in the Batcave. Alfred has left her a suit. I guess this makes now her Batgirl or some shit.

94 min: Robin has found Ivy's lair. She is waiting for him inside of a big flower. Robin says he'll kiss her if she reveals her plans, which she does. IDIOT! Has she never seen a Bond film? They kiss but Robin is wearing rubber lips(!). This bit was in the DVD introduction so I already knew it would happen.

96 min: Batman shows up, but she tells her vines to tie him up, which they do. Some other vines pull Robin underwater. It's not going well... but Batgirl shows up!

97 min: As Batgirl and Poison Ivy bitch slap each other, Batman gets his cock out to cut away the vines that are holding him. Not really, he's got an electric saw. Inexplicably, the big flower Ivy was sitting in earlier decides to eat her.

98 min: Gotham Observatory is now frozen. "Let's kick some ice!" Arnie says, to no-one. That almost works as a pun. But doesn't. He fires the big ice ray over Gotham and it freezes over. We see a dog taking a piss on a fire hydrant get frozen. Mr Freeze must be evil, he has no regard for dogs.

100 min: The Bat-gang have not been frozen and fight Mr Freeze's goons. All 1 of them. The goon wins! Not really, it was never a fair fight.

102 min: Arriving at the observatory, the gang say that it's now daylight in "the Congo", so their plan is to reflect sunlight from there using a series of handily placed satellites onto Gotham to melt all the ice. Why don't they just reflect light from the Sun? As they set about reflecting light from "the Congo", Mr Freeze shows up! Even though he was in that exact spot literally 4 minutes ago. He must have popped out for a piss or something.

105 min: We get the big fight showdowns: Batman vs Mr Freeze and Robin & Batgirl vs Bane. Bane goes down almost immediately as Robin and Batgirl kick the big tube coming out of the back of his head, and he shrinks back to normal-people size. Batman puts something hot inside of Mr Freeze's suit (not his cock, if that's what you're thinking), knocking him down. "The heat is on," says Batman. Zing! He then redirects the satellites and unfreezes some of Gotham. But wait, Mr Freeze has set off those plastic icicles, which are apparently bombs! "Freeze in hell, Batman!" Arnie says. The telescope falls off the edge of the cliff it is located on, with Batman on it!

107 min: Batman shoots one of those metal bats-on-some-string things as the telescope is falling and gets back up to what is left of the observatory. Robin and Batgirl reposition the satellites to directly reflect sunlight from "the Congo" onto Gotham.

109 min: It worked! Gotham is saved! We know this because we see the frozen dog that was pissing on a fire hydrant and he's OK now.

110 min: Batman tells Mr Freeze that he's taking him back to Arkham Asylum and plays a video showing Poison Ivy admit to killing his wife, except it turns out she's not dead now (?) and that Mr Freeze should work on a cure for her and Alfred. Handily, Arnie already has a cure for Alfred in his suit and gives it to Batman.

112 min: Back at Wayne Manor, Batman puts the cure into Alfred. With his cock. Not really. He uses a drip. It turns out Poison Ivy isn't dead either, she's now in Arkham Asylum. She gets a visitor to her cell, it's only that bloody Mr Freeze! Presumably he's there to kill her.

114 min: It's taken all of 3 minutes but Alfred has been cured! Hugs all round! Clooney, Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone will make a pretty formidable team in the next film, that's for sure! Oh, wait...

Summary: This film is shit. I watched it so you don't have to.

Rating: 1/5

BloodRayne

Intro: BloodRayne is a film version of the vampiric video game of the same name, directed by mad German director Uwe Boll and starring Kristanna (wrongly spelled as "Kristianna" on the front of the DVD cover) Loken as Rayne, with Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Matt Davis and Ben Kingsley. Their character's names are not important.

1 min: And we're off! The film opens with lots of gothic-style pictures, because this is set in THE PAST.

2 min: On the opening credits are the immortal words: "SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY BILLY ZANE". I'm excited already.

3 min: The film proper starts in a market place. A man with a big moustache smashes a bird to death with a blunt instrument.

4 min: Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Matt Davis enter a tavern. At the bar, Davis stabs a man in the heart. It's OK though, that random man turns out to be a vampire. No-one in the tavern seems that bothered.

5 min: At a carnival, we are introduced to Rayne, who is burned and cut by carnies for the amusement of onlookers. A carnie cuts a sheep's throat and gives the blood to Rayne to drink. Drinking the blood heals her wounds. Because SHE'S A VAMPIRE. It is noticeable that Rayne's hair is a different colour than on the DVD cover picture.

8 min: A man who looks like Freddie Ljungberg tells Ben "Sir Ben" Kingsley, who's wearing a ridiculous wig and is obviously doing this film for love and not money, that Rayne exists! She is "the little one" who slipped through his fingers.

10 min: A drunken carnie gets into the wagon where Rayne is kept prisoner to try and rape her. She bites him, escapes the wagon, then goes on a carnie killing spree.

11 min: Rayne is now in a forest, crying, regretting the killing spree. Because SHE'S GOOD.

14 min: InZANE in the membrane, inZANE in the brain! Yes, Billy Zane is making his special appearance, wearing a bad wig, as has been his custom over the years. Is he attempting an English accent? Yes, I think he is, though it's not entirely clear. It seems that he is Michelle Rodriguez's father(?). Uh-oh, he turns for no reason while thinking and we see bite marks on his neck. HE'S A VAMPIRE!

16 min: Still in the forest, Rayne interrupts a wagon-jacking by some vamps. She kills the vamps, drinks their blood, then tells the humans there that she only kills vampires. (Even though five minutes ago she killed a shit ton of carnies.) This is showing us the SHE'S GOOD, just in case we haven't figured it out yet.

18 min: Rayne arrives at a town, spotting some more vampires. They're everywhere it seems. She starts snogging a female vamp (?) but then bites her on the neck, killing her. Kristanna Loken also appears to be attempting an English accent. Badly.

19 min: Rayne goes to see a fortune teller who tells her she's part-human, part-vampire, just in case it wasn't clear to anyone watching the film. Apparently, Sir Ben, who is also her father (via rape), killed her mother, and is now "the most powerful vampire". Rayne says she'll kill him.

21 min: Rayne learns of an ancient talisman, called "the eye", which holds great power, and is sought after by Sir Ben. She nicks a horse.

24 min: After some shots of Rayne riding a horse through some countryside, she arrives at a monastery. "The eye" wouldn't be here by any chance would it?

26 min: A (for no obvious reason) deformed man guards where "the eye" is kept. Rayne dispatches him. She goes into a room and gets "the eye", which it turns out is an actual eye. As Rayne holds it, she absorbs it. I don't know how or why that happened.

29 min: The head monk explains to Rayne that the eye is part of an ancient super vampire, whose body was cut up in parts and separated after his death. If those parts are reunited, all hell will break loose etc.

31 min: Freddie Ljungberg attacks the monastery with a bunch of henchmen. The monks are fighting back with wooden poles against men/vampires with swords. They're getting battered until Madsen, Rodriguez and Davis show up! These fight scenes are pretty lame.

34 min: Ljungberg knocks Rayne out and takes her away on his horse. Rodriguez discovers some of the dead monks are from the secretive Brimstone Society, which she, Madsen and Davis are also a part of.

36 min: We cut back to Sir Ben, in his big castle, who kills a young maiden for no obvious reason, mainly to show that HE'S BAD, just in case you forgot that from when he appeared a while ago.

37 min: WTF? Meat Loaf is now in the film! He's lying down in a "lair", surrounded by naked women*, many of whom obviously have breast implants. Which lots of women had in the 1800s in Romania, obvs. Ljungberg brings Rayne in and drops her on the floor.

40 min: Meat Loaf likes the look of Rayne's eye, presumably the one which is now "the eye", and tries to cut it out. As he's doing this, Madsen & Co show up and kill him. Madsen takes Rayne while Freddie Ljungberg escapes.

46 min: After a flashback of Sir Ben killing Rayne's mother, Madsen decides he now trusts Rayne, and she can help him kill Sir Ben. Rodriguez and Davis still aren't sure about her.

48 min: We now get an obligatory training montage as the goodies train Rayne to fight properly. The montage is intercut with odd pearls of vague wisdom from Madsen such as "physical strength without control means nothing".

51 min: We now get to see Sir Ben in his big castle again. He appears to be sitting in a throne just staring blankly forward. For about 30 seconds. Meanwhile, Rayne decides to get it on with Davis, despite them having little-to-no interraction or chemistry together so far in the film, and we get to see Kristanna Loken's tits.

55 min: Sir Ben tells his troops to destroy Brimstone! Even though Brimstone appears to be a secret society of people who fight vampires, whose destruction would be quite difficult to quantify.

58 min: Freddie Ljungberg, Sir Ben's number two it seems, goes to see Billy Zane. He introduces himself by chucking a severed head on a table. Ljungberg wants to know the location of Brimstone. Again, I don't think the baddies (or the scriptwriter) understand the nature of a secret society of people.

61 min: The goodies go to see a butcher, who also happens to be an arms dealer on the side! Rayne gets some new swords and Davis gets some holy water, which the camera lingers on him getting. What's the betting that this bottle of holy water comes in handy later in the film?

63 min: A wounded man, lying on some ground for no explained reason, tells Rayne that Rodriguez "has turned" and joined the baddies. Rayne decides to set out on her own to get "the heart", another piece of that ancient vampire.

66 min: Rayne arrives at a town where dead bodies are strewn everywhere. One of the dead bodies has an arrow sticking out of it, just like the kind Michelle Rodriguez uses, just to show that she's gone a bit bad, just in case you missed the wounded man telling us that three minutes ago.

68 min: Rayne finds where "the heart" is located in a cave, but Rodriguez is already there with some henchmen she's acquired since we last saw her less than ten minutes ago when she was still hanging around with Rayne, Madsen and Davis. She tells the henchmen she wants the heart for her father, who is Billy Zane. Her English accent is especialy bad in this scene.

69 min: Rodriguez finds the heart at the bottom of a pool in the cave. Rayne shows up and we get a lame underwater fight. Rodriguez stabs Rayne, but as she gets out of the water, Rayne grabs her and bites her neck, killing her. Rayne takes "the heart". The henchmen are nowhere to be seen.

71 min: Rayne shows up at Sir Ben's castle, handing over a box containing "the heart" to some guards. She is then thrown in a cell. Rayne must have a plan of some sort because that was a stupid move.

72 min: Madsen and Davis show up at the castle and try to fight their way past the guards. They are captured almost immediately and also thrown in a cell.

74 min: Madsen tells Rayne about some ceremony where the baddies will cut "the eye" from her, which will also destroy her soul somehow. She tells Madsen she wil never give up fighting, as music stirs up in the background.

75 min: As Rayne is taken away to Sir Ben for the ceremony, Madsen and Davis trick an idiot guard into opening their cell door. They beat him and escape.

77 min: As Rayne is tied to a ceremonial table, Madsen and Davis show up. Sir Ben opens the box to discover that "the heart" isn't there.

78 min: Rayne is freed and we get to see a load of quite mediocre sword fights.

79 min: Madsen is held by two henchmen and Sir Ben walks over and stabs him in the heart. Davis, meanwhile, gets stabbed by Freddie Ljungberg, but still has enough strength to cut Ljungberg's throat open.

80 min: Guess what? Only Rayne and Sir Ben are left standing. Who'd have predicted that?

81 min: We're now getting some sword fighting interspersed with exposition, i.e. "You condemned me the day you raped my mother" etc. No! Sir Ben stabs Rayne in the shoulder and pins her down! Surely this is curtains for her? No, Davis chucks that bottle of holy water at Sir Ben. He catches it but Davis fires an arrow at the bottle, which breaks it and sprays holy water all over Sir Ben.

82 min: As Sir Ben overacts on the floor from the burning inflicted by the holy water, Rayne stabs him in the heart with an arrow, but not before she has another flashback of Sir Ben killing her mother, just in case you'd forgotten why she wants to kill him in the first place.

83 min: Madsen and Davis are still alive, somehow. No wait, Madsen stayed alive long enough just to see Rayne kill Sir Ben, then he dies. Rayne goes to hold Davis, but he then dies too.

84 min: Rayne gets up and goes to sit on Sir Ben's throne, staring forward blankly (for no reason) like he did earlier. I guess this means she's now the most powerful vampire or something. The End.

* I later discovered that these women are real prostitutes and not actors. Yes, really.

Additional Info: Looking on Wikipedia after writing the above, it seems the version of the film I saw differs slightly from the version described there, especially the ending, which is largely the same but with some slight differences. (Either that, or the person who wrote the "plot" summary on Wikipedia just ballsed it up.) There does appear to be two cuts of the film, I don't know which version the one I saw was; I think it's the directors cut as the ending seems darker and more graphic than that described on Wikipedia, which I assume to be the theatrical cut. The best quote on Wikipedia about this film is: "Steve Chupnick of the Latino Review gave the film a B rating, saying that although it was not a good film it was far from the worst he's seen and mentioned the Kristanna Loken nude scene as something in the films favor."

Summary: This is one hell of a terrible movie. Read all of the above again if it wasn't obvious.

Rating: 1/5

A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

Intro: The first of many sequels to the original, 'A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge' is not considered one of the best films in the series, but that doesn't mean it's not a classic of sorts...

1 min: No messing about, straight onto a bus full of teenagers. Hopefully, most of these will die.

3 min: Uh-oh, the bus driver has gone mental and taken the bus off road into the desert! Guess who the driver is?

6 min: Freddy has got 2 girls and 1 boy cornered at the back of the bus, but just as he's about to kill them... the boy [Jesse] wakes up in bed, covered in sweat. He's a real "sweater", it seems.

8 min: Jesse is with his family for breakfast. His little sister gets a toy in the cereal box... it's a packet of plastic-Freddy-knife-fingers! Never got anything like that in cereals when I was young.

9 min: Playing baseball in school, Jesse is hit on the head with the ball when he isn't looking. He then gets his trousers pulled down by rival/friend Grady and we get to see his arse.

10 min: Jesse and Grady start grappling on the floor, all while Jesse's arse is still hanging out. Coach Schneider breaks it up then tells them to "assume the position". We then see Coach Schneider in his office, smoking, while watching the boys doing push-ups.

L-R: Jesse, Grady

11 min: Grady tells Jesse that Coach Schneider "hangs around a few S&M joints down town... he likes pretty boys like you."

15 min: Jesse gets up at night, wanders around and sees Freddy in the basement putting stuff in a furnace. Freddy grabs Jesse and says: "You've got the body and I've got the brains." Freddy then pulls the top of his head off (thus showing his brain) just to prove his point. Jesse then wakes up in bed, covered in sweat. Again.

17 min: Jesse falls asleep in class. A snake then wraps itself around him. Phallic imagery or pointless attempt at a scare? No idea.

18 min: Jesse's "girlfriend" Lisa is in the pool at her house. Her mum shouts to her: "There's a Jesse on the phone."

Lisa

19 min: Jesse is cleaning his bedroom. He puts a disco-pop song on the stereo and dances around holding something wooden between his legs (yes, really). His mum and Lisa walk in.

20 min: Lisa helps Jesse clean his room. She asks him where 'jock itch' spray goes, then asks: "Do sweaters go in the closet?" In the closet is a board game called 'Probe'.

23 min: Jesse is in bed again. And sweating. Again. He gets up and sees Freddy's glove. Freddy says: "Go ahead Jesse, try it on for size."

27 min: Jesse and Grady are topless in the school changing room, talking about Coach Schneider. "Schneider has always got a stick up his ass," says Jesse, as Coach Schneider appears behind them.

28 min: Jesse and his family are in the lounge, when a budgie escapes its cage, flies around terrorising them before spontaneously combusting. Yes, you read that right.

31 min: Jesse wakes up at night, and goes out for a walk in the rain with his (open) pyjama top on, ending up at a club called 'Don's Place'. Inside are people dressed in leather and rubber, and cross-dressed men. Coach Schneider is there (in a leather vest) and grabs Jesse.

32 min: Jesse is doing laps of the gym as punishment, before Coach Schneider tells him to hit the shower. As Jesse showers, (an invisible) Freddy drags Coach to the showers, ties him up, rips off his leathers, and smacks his naked arse red raw with towels. Freddy then appears and slashes him up... no wait, it then cuts to Jesse standing there wearing Freddy's glove!

39 min: Jesse is in bed, sweating again. He opens a drawer to see Freddy's glove moving of its own accord. He goes to his sister's room where she is skipping and singing the "One, two, Freddy's coming for you" song. They shoehorn it into all the films in the series.

41 min: In the kitchen the next morning, Jesse's toaster spontaneously combusts. Wasn't even plugged in.

43 min: Jesse and Lisa go to an abandoned mill, where Freddy used to work, and where he killed the twenty kids he kidnapped. Jesse sees a closet randomly located in the middle of the mill. Inside is a rat.

50 min: Jesse is getting it on with Lisa... he's licking her tits when a big Freddy tongue pops out of his mouth. He then runs off to Grady, who's in bed.

53 min: Jesse says to Grady: "Something is trying to get inside my body." Grady responds: "Yeah, she's female... and you wanna sleep with me."

55 min: In Grady's bedroom, Freddy climbs out of Jesse's body and kills Grady. Jesse is then standing there with Frddy's glove on, covered in blood. He looks in the mirror and sees Freddy as his reflection.

60 min: Jesse says: "Freddy is inside me and wants to take my body."

63 min: Jesse is turning into Freddy again. We know this because all the fish in a nearby tank all get fried, before the tank explodes. Freddy goes after Lisa and bites her on the leg.

65 min: Lisa tries to stab Freddy but he appears to be made of wool. Lisa tells Freddy/Jesse she loves him. Freddy gets confused, then runs around the pool party outside, killing random teenagers. This is more like it.

68 min: Lisa's dad tries to shoot Freddy with a big gun, but Lisa knocks the gun so he misses. She knows killing Freddy will also kill Jesse. Freddy scarpers and Lisa gets in her car and drives to the old mil...

70 min: There are now dogs at the entrance to the mill. But dogs with human faces.

71 min: Maggots are now crawling out the wound on Lisa's leg where Freddy bit her earlier.

72 min: A rat appears, but Freddy has turned into a bigger rat and jumps down and eats the smaller rat. No idea why that happened.

73 min: Freddy has got Lisa cornered! "Jesse, I know you're in there... I love you!" she says. Freddy starts bleeding.

75 min: Lisa kisses Freddy, and the pipes around them set on fire. Freddy burns! And melts!

77 min: The fire goes out and Jesse climbs out of Freddy's burnt body. He hugs Lisa.

78 min: Jesse gets on the school bus, like at the start of the film. "I can't believe it's actually all over," Jesse says, looking pleased with himself.

79 min: Freddy's hand bursts out of the chest of the girl behind Jesse and Lisa on the bus. The bus speeds off into the desert. Again. The end.

Summary: This is perhaps the most bizarrely camp/gay horror film ever made, and one of the funniest. It's kind of like the 'Top Gun' of horror, but better. Further films in the series make no reference back to this one, indicating that perhaps the producers thought after it came out that it wasn't much good, but for my money, this is probably the most entertaining 'Nightmare' film, if not for the right reasons. The spontaneously combusting budgie is the real highlight.

Rating: 1/5 (as a horror film), 5/5 (as a comedy)  

Jason X

Introduction: 'Jason X' is the 10th film in the 'Friday the 13th' franchise. Made as a stop-gap while 'Freddy vs Jason' was in the works, it is set in the year 2455. Yes, really.

1 min: The opening titles are full of special effects. Because this is THE FUTURE.

2 min: Jason seems to have been tied up by chains in a lab somewhere. No explanation as to how he got there. And he seems to have some hair on his head now.

4 min: David Cronenberg has appeared as some sort of sleazy executive, who wants Jason's body for research. Film critic David Murray claims this is the best film Cronenberg's ever been involved with - we'll see about that. Geek pin-up Lexa Doig also appears. Cronenberg says he's the one who "froze" Jason.

Lexa Doig

5 min: Oops. Where Jason should be is instead some sort of (dead) Army guy. Cronenberg runs off and Jason starts killing some other army guys. Nice.

6 min: Cronenberg's dead, already. Jason chucked something metal at him from miles away, javelin-stylee.

8 min: Lexa Doig thought she had Jason trapped in a cryogenic chamber, but guess what? Jason stabbed her though the thick metal door.

11 min: Jason and Doig have both been discovered in the year 2455 - cryogenically frozen. They have been taken onto a spaceship.

16 min: There's a sexy female robot on board. Nice. They are re-animating Lexa Doig. "How does he function with a brain this small?" someone asks about Jason, after scanning his body. Nanobots have brought Doig back to life. She punches a guy as soon as she wakes up because SHE'S FEISTY.

25 min: A young blonde is cutting Jason open, and yes, she removes his mask! We get to see that classic ugly face! Meanwhile, a young brunette is tweaking an older guy's nipples with metal tongs.

27 min: We get to see the sexy robot's breasts. The nipples fall off. Uh-oh, Jason's started moving again!

28 min: Jason's up and kills the blonde immediately. Then picks up a big knife.

30 min: Apparently, "Earth 1" is dead and humans now live on "Earth 2". Lexa Doig explains that they tried to freeze Jason in 2008 because they couldn't kill him. Also, I should point out that the music in the film so far has been cheesy synth rubbish.

34 min: Another kill, classic stabbing-action. "Tony's dead!" cries his girlfriend. Tough luck, sister! They've sent some army-types after Jason with guns.

35 min: There's some sort of holodeck on the ship where Jason kills a (VR) monster and two more (real) people.

41 min: The army types have shot the shit out of Jason. He disappears.

45 min: Jason's picking off the army-types one-at-a-time. "Our brave boys" my arse.

49 min: All the army-types are dead. The spaceship crashes into a space station.

55 min: Those left alive have decided to try to escape from the ship on an escape pod.

61 min: First time we've seen Jason for a while. He kills two people.

62 min: A woman tries to leave on the escape pod and fucks up. Another one dead.

63 min: The sexy female robot is giving Jason a good kicking. She shoots his arm and leg off. And then his head.

69 min: As the survivors plan their escape, the nanobots are putting Jason back together! But stronger! And with a futuristic new mask!

72 min: They've blown Jason off the ship into space! No, he's floated back.

75 min: Another ship has arrived to save the day! But the escpae hatch has gone tits-up so they need to fix it. Meanwhile, Jason is trying to get at them.

78 min: The sexy female robot, who's now just a head, has turned the ship into a holodeck of Camp Crystal Lake, where two hologram women have got their tits out to distract Jason. He kills them anyway, even though they're not real.

81 min: Lexa Doig, a man and the sexy robot head escape on the other ship while the main one blows up. The explosion blows Jason down towards Earth 2... his mask lands in a lake... THE END.

Summary: An average 'Friday the 13th' outing. Some nice kills, but made ridiculous by the futuristic space element and the cheesy music. Lexa Doig survives though, for all you horny geeks out there.

Rating: 3/5