Woman Gives Birth To Ghost

A Stoke woman being investigated for benefit fraud has had her investigation suspended while her claim that she gave birth to a ghost are checked.

Gabbee Bonkers, 21, from 24 Blizzard Street in Birches Head, had been claiming child benefit and income support for her fourth child, Billy, for over a year when a social worker paid her a visit to find no evidence of Billy.

A baby dressed as a ghost

Ms Bonkers, currently on holiday in Kavos, told investigators that she had given birth to a ghost in a home birth but had previously been too embarrassed to say anything. She says she also didn't know how to stop her benefits.

"I'm going to stick my neck out and say that this story is true," says psychic, medium and Gabbee's literary agent, Crystal O'Future. "This is a real game changer in the world of ghost babies."

Bank Deposit

Birches Head International is one of the biggest banks in the region, whose prestigious clients include Jonathan Wilkes and bearded funny man Dave Gorman, who has an online savings account.

In 2004, the board decided to hire psychic medium Crystal O'Future to help deal with a ghost that was bothering staff in the Prayer Room!

Bank spokesman Perry Boner explained that the ghost's behaviour had recently got out of hand. "Our lunch maid, Mrs Muntford, was on her knees praying to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ – Amen. When she got up, she the ghost tried to cock-slap her in the face, with some success."

A priest was called and, together with Crystal, the ghost was put out of its misery.

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part II)

25 December 2012

When local vicar Rev Charles Cockshoot saw a UFO over Burslem on Christmas morning, it changed his life forever. "It made me realise that everything I believe in is nonsense," said the 'Strictly Come Dancing' fan, 50. "I quit the church there and then and am now much happier."

27 December 2012

Making her way home to Birches Head after picking up a copy of the eponymous debut album by acclaimed singer-songwriter Rickie Lee Jones for just £3 in the HMV sale, bricklayer Tuft Godfreys witnessed a UFO crash. "One of the flying spacecrafts pulled out in front of the other, causing the crash," said the 'Dancing On Ice' viewer. "The two aliens got out of their ships and argued about who was to blame. I didn't get involved."

31 December 2012

When angry loner Nigel Maycock took to the top of Packmoor Tower on New Year's Eve, intending to pick off random revellers with his sniper rile, he didn't expect to see a UFO! "I expected bloodshed," laughs the postman, 50. "I was setting my scope up when I saw one of them UFOs. Looked like a new one too."

Friday The 13th

Friday the 13^th is a day of mystique, superstitions and bad luck! It has also been estimated that around £250 million is lost from the Stoke economy every Friday the 13^th because people can’t be bothered to turn up to work on those days! (Or the Jobcentre.)

It is thought the rumours of bad luck were started by snooty (15-a-aside) Rugby Union fans, who wanted to denigrate the working class fans of (13-a-side) Rugby League, so they put the word out onto the street that 13 was an unlucky number, a belief many people have latched onto down the years.

One, two, Freddy's coming for you

Famous superstitions of Friday the 13^th

Being born on Friday the 13^th means you will be ugly and have bad luck for life! Celebrities born on Friday the 13^th include the Olsen twins and Fidel Castro.

Do not cut your hair into a "bob" cut, or else your children will quite literally die of embarrassment!

If you kill someone on Friday the 13^th, then you will die tomorrow!

Hovercrafts should not be launched or they will sink forever!

Do not consult a medium or you'll be possessed by the devil!

Your superstition e-mails

Mikey Bigglesworth, Chell: "I'm not risking it, so I'm staying in bed all day, drinking and wanking."

Clive Power, Sneyd Green: "If I go to the petrol station, I will spit on every other car there and key them too if I get the chance."

Colin Phile, Birches Head: "I blame the Disney bigwigs, religious maniacs and Eurocrats for this, most superstitions were for good luck before they got involved."