Burslem Road

The Burslem Road is an underwater rock formation in Lake Burslem. The Road consists of a 900 metre-long north-south linear feature composed of roughly rectangular stone blocks.

On September 2, 1968, while diving in 10 metres of water off what is now known as Phil Taylor Bay, Keg Hunter encountered an extensive "pavement" of what later was found to be stones of varying size and thickness. After this discovery, the Burslem Road has been visited and examined by geologists, archaeologists, anthropologists, marine engineers, divers and celebrities. In addition to the Burslem Road, investigators have found two additional "pavement-like" linear features that lie parallel to and shoreward of Burslem Road.

In 1978, Burslem's radiocarbon laboratory calculated that the shells composing the Burslem Road are about 3,500 years old.

The Burslem Road, the largest of the three linear features, consists of stone blocks measuring as much as 3–4m in horizontal dimensions, with the average size being 2–3m. The blocks consist of limestone composed of carbonate-cemented shell hash that is called "acerock". Acerock is native to Burslem. Given the degree that these blocks have been eroded, it is highly implausible that any original surface features, including any tool marks and inscriptions, would have survived this degree of erosion.

The consensus among conventional geologists and archaeologists is that the Burslem Road is a natural feature composed of acerock that have broken up into rectangular, polygonal and irregular blocks.

As a result of the unusual arrangement and shape of the stones some believe that the formation is the remains of an ancient road, wall, worship site or some other deliberately constructed feature. Nigel Rockbasher, a retired naval chef, was part of a famous expedition sponsored by Dave Munton in 1995, at the height of the Blur vs Oasis Britpop battle, that included explorers and a number of psychics from the Crystal O'Future Foundation. The group stated that there was "little doubt" that the massive stone blocks were cut by people or aliens, based on their experience of looking at, and sometimes even touching, rocks.

Teenager Dressed As Alien Found Brutally Murdered

Today's funny story of the day award goes to the police officers at Burslem Police Station. Finding what looked like a dead alien's body on wasteland, the boys in blue informed RAF Trentham and several news agencies of their discovery, only to find out on closer inspection that the dead body was just a teenager dressed in an alien suit!

"Boy, do we feel stupid," says Detective Ron Briggs of Burslem PD. "To think that the dead body we found was actually an alien!? Fortunately, we've got a good sense of humour down at the station so we can have a good laugh about it."

The dead body has yet to be identified owing to the savage beating inflicted to the head of the victim, but Detective Briggs promises a proper investigation.

"Obviously, the crime scene was contaminated by all the camera crews and members of the public we let it to look at the body when we still thought it was an alien," laughs Det Briggs. "So we'll get no usable or reliable evidence there. I'm sure we’ll come up with something, though. We generally do in the end."

Wearing A Hat Made Of Tin Foil Protects You From Alien Mind Control

A leading Stoke professor claims to have made a breakthrough in the fight against alien mind control.

Professor Mick Nagg says that wearing a foil hat that he has designed is guaranteed to keep you safe from brain molestation.

"All I will say is that I haven't been subjected to thought control once since I started wearing this hat," says the Professor. "The proof's in the pudding and the pudding is on my head."

You can buy a tailored version of the hat from Professor Nagg's own website for just £500.

Judge: Alien Kidnappers Are Very "Courageous"

Stoke judge Terry Hatepunch has caused outrage throughout the city by describing aliens who kidnap and probe Stokies as "courageous".

Presiding at Fenton Magistrates Court, in the case of Phil Collins vs El Paethorito, Judge Hatepunch praised the alien El Paethorito, who did not attend the hearing, saying that travelling millions of light years to kidnap and anally probe angry Stokies was "brave", and "was not something I could do."

Not that one.

Mr Collins, not the drummer from Genesis, but someone else with the same name, had brought a civil case against the alien who he claims has kidnapped him on multiple occasions, something he says is "definitely not funny".

Despite his comments, Judge Hatepunch eventually sided with Mr Collins, awarding him damages of £250 million.

The UFogs

The UFogs cult, based in Barlaston, is lead by the charismatic Ferria, a former titty bar owner born in 1965 as Paul Gristle. The cult believes that it is in contact with a race of aliens called The Aubreys. The leader of the aliens, Kengo Gash-Rar, is a close personal friend of Ferria; his inter-dimensional spaceship orbits the Earth protecting the UFogs (but not the rest of the human race) from potential alien attack. When its believers die, the Aubreys will transport the UFogs to another dimension for eternal life. The UFogs believe in free love. As leader, Ferria is required to take the virginity of all female followers.



Ferria (aka: Paul Gristle)



Ferria claims that Kengo is a messiah figure who will declare his presence to the wider world when the time is right. The Aubreys come from an alternate dimension Mars, and their mother ships are shaped like chicken drumsticks. Kengo told Ferria that humans are descendants of these Martians, who came to Earth 1 million years ago on holiday and never left.

"I've Had Sex With 1,000 Aliens"

Baddeley Green resident Terry Seagull might not look like a ladykiller, yet he has had sex with over 1,000 female aliens! (Or so he claims.)

"It started the first time I was kidnapped by aliens," says the part-time 'Dr Who' fan. "They were going to probe me, and I was like, 'Why don't you let me probe you instead, if you know what I mean?' And they were like, 'OK,' so I was like, 'Let's do this thing!' I then had it off with the aliens in both positions: normal and doggy."

Terry claims he was so good that the aliens kept coming back for more. "The bitches couldn't get enough of me, they said I'm the best they'd ever had. All of them quite literally said that."

Terry doesn't have proof of any of this, but says his word should be good enough. "C'mon, it's me, El Tel, you know you can trust me. But, if you don't believe me, it's because you're a jealous slut," he says to his detractors.

The Trentham Lines

The Trentham Lines are a series of ancient geoglyphs (designs in the ground) located in Trentham Valley, at the heart of the Trentham Desert, south of Stoke. "Trentham lines" is also a local slang phrase for cocaine.

They were designated as a 'Site of World Heritage' by Stoke City Council in 1993. Local scholars believe the lines were created by ancient Stokies between 400 and 650 AD. Many of the geoglyphs are just lines but there are also designs of monkeys, dogs and topless women.

Due to the dry, windless, and stable climate of the Trentham Desert, the lines have for the most part been preserved. Extremely rare changes in weather may temporarily alter the general designs.

A monkey design, located in the
west side of Trentham Valley

There are many different theories as to the purpose of the geoglyphs, including fertility, water-summoning, religious symbolism and alien involvement.

In a forthcoming book, local author Dave Munton suggests the Trentham Lines represent higher technological knowledge than existed when the glyphs were created. Munton asserts that the lines are runways of an ancient UFO airfield that was used by extraterrestrials. These aliens were mistaken by Stoke natives to be their gods.

The Blurton Triangle

The "Blurton Triangle" is an area located off the southern edge of Stoke, which is noted for its high incidence of unexplained disappearances of vehicles and aircraft. The apexes of the triangle are generally believed to be the desert wastelands between Blurton, Stone and Uttoxeter.

The UK government does not recognise the Blurton Triangle as an official name and does not believe the Bermuda Triangle exists. Stoke City Council does however, and has made sure the area is heavily signposted.

Since the days of early civilization many thousands of people, camels, vehicles and aircraft have diappeared in the Blurton Triangle due to navigational and other human errors, storms, piracy, fires, and structural/mechanical failures. Often, there were no living witnesses to the disappearance or crash, and hence the exact cause of the loss and the location of the lost vehicle or aircraft is unknown.

 The area is one of the most heavily travelled flight paths in the world, with planes crossing over it daily to and from Stoke Airport, other airports in the UK and RAF Trentham.

A significant factor with regard to missing vehicles in the Blurton Triangle are the desert sand or dust storms. They are extremely swift and turbulent and can quickly erase evidence of a disaster. Prior to the development of telegraph, radio and radar, people did not know a storm was nearby until it appeared on the horizon. Sudden local storms can sometimes spell disaster for local "sand people" or air crews.

A typical sand storm in the Trentham Desert

It has been claimed that the Blurton Triangle is one of the two places on earth at which a magnetic compass points towards true north. Normally a compass will point toward magnetic north. The difference between the two is known as compass variation. The amount of variation changes by as much as 60 degrees at various locations around the World. If this compass variation or error is not compensated for, navigators can find themselves far off course and in deep shit.

Popular culture has attributed disappearances in the Triangle to paranormal reasons such as alien activity.

Man Taken By Aliens? In 1978?

On 16 August 1978, Carl Cox was hunting badgers in Cauldon Park. As he shot his assault rifle at a nearby badger, a most bizarre thing happened. The bullet travelled in slow motion, as if he had entered another dimension!
 

To his utter shock and amazement, he saw a humanoid entity standing nearby. The "alien" was quite tall and gangly, at over six feet in height, looking a bit like Peter Crouch. He was clad in a blue catsuit with a wide belt. A bit like the kind Peter Crouch might wear.

Standing bow-legged, the alien spoke to Cox, asking him if he was hungry. The alien threw some sweets to him, telling him if he took one, he would not have to eat for "literally ages". It was surmised that the entity was smart enough to realise that Cox may have been hungry, or else he would not have been hunting badgers.

Soon, the alien pointed toward Cox, and the next thing he knew, he was in a spaceship, with a catsuit on. Also present were two more aliens, and the five badgers he was previously stalking. The badgers were dancing to pop music. He was told that the aliens were travelling to their home planet, located some 164,003 light years away. In a flash, they arrived at the distant location.

Cox described the surrounding landscape as being occupied with large skyscrapers. The brightness of the atmosphere caused Cox's eyes to water. Cox's next remembrance was being back in Cauldon Park. He says that approximately 3 hours had elapsed since his encounter with the alien had begun.

Dare you cross the road and enter Cauldon Park?

Cox was found in a state of panic and nervous exhaustion, shouting: "They took my badgers!" He was taken for medical care to the North Staffs hospital. His blood work showed he had a highly elevated level of blood lust, probably from the sweets he had eaten.

Cox refutes the suggestion he made up the story to cover for an affair he was having at the time, later discovered by his wife. "These are two unrelated things," he said. "They are mutually exclusive." 

Staffordshire Police Ready For Alien Invasion

Police responding to possible alien attacks or invasions in Staffordshire have been kitted out with potentially life-saving equipment.

Three police response vehicles will carry a special pack designed to fight aliens. The pack contains a knife (to fight any hostile aliens), a mirror (to deflect alien ray gun blasts) and a 10p coin to use in a phone box should the Police's radio system go down. 

Officers from Staffordshire Police have been trained to use the devices. Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks is happy with how everything has gone. "Once again, Staffordshire Police has shown itself to be the best, most forward-thinking and most competent police force in the world. Fact."

The cars are based at the three most important sites in Staffordshire: Hanley, Leek and Fegg Hayes.

Man Sees UFO Over Hanford

Derbyshire native Bob Felcher, who now lives in Hanford, saw a UFO fly over his house on Sunday night while he was feeding his pet badgers in his back yard.

Bob Felcher (L) and best friend Mustapha (R)

"It was silver and saucer-shaped," he says. "And I saw me one of them there aliens look out the dang window. Sure was ugly. Had big eyes like yer man Chuck Norris. When it left, I prayed to almighty God that them there aliens won't be coming back. And they ain't, which proves the existence of God."

Was Missing Film Critic Kidnapped By Aliens?

In case you don't know, Stoke's number one film critic, David Murray, is missing. It is now over a week since he was last seen, at Quasar at Festival Park in Etruria.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/local-film-critic-goes-missing.html

The angry mob looking for him resumed its search today, after taking yesterday off because of the bad weather.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/charity-single-recorded-for-missing.html

Reader Tim Beggar of Fegg Hayes was dogging on Goldenhill Golf Course last Thursday night and claims he saw a UFO in the area. "I was hanging around by some car, watching a couple do it on the back seat," explains Tim. "I was next in line. Some craft with bright lights goes overhead, I don't pay much attention to it, 'cus you get loads of rich folk in that area flying their helicopters about. Anyway, after a while, I think, 'Bleedin' hell, this helicopter's low,' and I look up and it's only a bleedin' UFO, innit. I think the dirty rotters were hangin' about watching the dogging action, if you ask me. Oh yeah, and they could've kidnapped that film critic you're lookin' for."

The 17th green at Goldenhill Golf Club

So could he have been taken by aliens? No-one could say for certain, but I would say for certain that is probable that the likelihood is that he may have been taken. Perhaps he is being anally probed as you read this, shudder the thought. Whatever happens, he remains in our thoughts. May the aliens have mercy on his soul.

Billie Fink

On 25 August 2007, 15 year old Billie Fink from Cobridge claims she was abducted by aliens, who then forced her to drink beer, smoke cigarettes and have sex with them. After returning home at 3am with no memory of the abduction and subsequent events, her mother took her to see a magician (Magic Hans) who hypnotises people as part of his act. Here is a part of the transcript of that session.

Billie: They've brung me some beer. They want me to drink it and smoke some ciggies. I do it but I tell 'em I'm not a slag.

MH: How long does this go on for?

Billie: We do it for an hour or two, I'm no lightweight, anyone who tells you that is a major mong. One alien is flying the spaceship around really fastly and has loud hip hop on his stereo. At one point a space-police spaceship followed us but we lost it.

MH: Then what happens?

Billie: One of the aliens in the back seat starts groping me off while the other starts snogging me. Then they unzip their trousers and tell me to suck 'em off.

Billie went on to describe the aliens and her getting up to all sorts of sexual activities. The magicians assistant present at the time of the hypnosis says that Billie "smelled of fags and booze". Billie says this proves her story is real.

The Franciscans

Pete Clark was playing frolf [frisbee golf] in the Barlaston Desert in 1968 when he claimed to have made contact with a UFO. He says that he was lining up a tricky shot around a cactus when he started receiving telepathic messages of advice form a nearby UFO, which also happened to be invisible to all human eyes except his own.

Returning home to Boothen, Clark changed his name to Janey Lee Franciscus, in honour of the name of the alien with whom he had been in contact. In 1969, the newly renamed Janey Lee moved to the northern edge of the Barlaston Desert and opened a diner. He lived on a commune in Meir Heath, working as a sex observer when not at the diner.

In 1972, he opened a vegetarian restaurant at the entrance to the commune. His increasing influence at the commune was completed when he was elected leader of the group. He moved the compound to Barlaston and renamed the group The Franciscans. He then wrote a combined gospel and cook book: 'How To Get To Heaven: Religiously and Foodly'.

Franciscus ran for Mayor of Stoke in 2002, challenging favourite Mike Wolfe for the title! Franciscus's first pledge was that, during his first term in office, he would spend the city's entire transport budget to make Stoke a major player in the space race. The public vote for Mayor was close, but Wolfe won by 7 votes to 6.

Paris Hilton meets some of her fans

Increasingly disillusioned with life in Stoke, Franciscus moved the world headquarters of the church to California in 2004, where he enjoyed a brief relationship with heiress Paris Hilton.

BNP Councillor Wants To Colonise The Moon

Local BNP councillor Dave Bender wants to build a permanent colony on the moon and, if his dream is fully realised, the benefits to Stoke's economy could be huge.

The mayoral candidate has repeatedly defended his party's goal to establish a "permanent lunar colony on the moon" by the end of his second-term as mayor - if he is elected. Councillor Bender said he wants to eventually turn the moon into a bustling tourist destination, and hopes to use it for commercial purposes, including a theme park and massage parlour - both staffed by Stokies.

The BNP's planned moonbase

"I do not want us be the country that invented everything first, including the idea of space travel, but then turned around and said, 'It doesn't really matter, let the Russkies, Chinkies and the Yanks dominate space, what do we care?' I think that is a path of national decline, and I am for Britain being a great country, not a country with knob rot," Bender said at a BNP meeting in Bentilee.

He also dismissed claims of hypocrisy given his party's stance on immigration. "There isn't anyone living on the moon, as far as I'm aware," Bender said. "And if there is, they would be better off under British rule, just like most of the world was when the Empire was in full swing. Fact."

Starman Scandal!

Scottish "comedy" double act The Krankies are the last people you'd expect to see involved in a sex scandal.

Husband-and-wife double act The Krankies, yesterday

The pair, who sang the alien song 'Starman', later made famous when covered by David Bowie, have admitted to being swingers.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075996/The-Krankies-admit-secret-swingers-Not-fan-dabi-dozi.html

Hopefully, this won't lessen people's belief in the existence of real "starmen" (i.e. aliens). You can see The Krankies sing 'Starman' via the link below.

http://frizax.com/videos/starman-the-krankies/

Adrian Lewis: I Believe!

Congratulations to Stoke's very own Adrian Lewis on winning his second PDC Darts World Championship earlier this week!

I'd like to take you back to November to an explosive interview with The Guardian newspaper. Lewis, Stoke's number two darts player (and by default the world's number two), revealed that he believes in ghosts and aliens!

"Don't tell the girlfriend"

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2011/nov/25/adrian-lewis-small-talk



Lewis also says that Stoke and world darts number one (and fellow stokie) Phil Taylor "probably" believes too, although his stance isn't representative of the whole darts world.

Amongst other revelations, Lewis says that darts should be an Olympic sport, that he likes "autobiographies but not books" and that he likes films like Top Gun. The man is fast becoming a legend.

The Stokelantians

The Stokelantians is a cult founded in Goldenhill in the early 1990s by Weiss Uberman. The group believe (and distribute pamphlets claiming) that the original inhabitants of Stoke came from Atlantis; before Atlantis, they were from a galaxy called Powerion. The Powerions derive their power from the energy of the White Sun.

They teach that since the Stoke race has a divine mission to dominate all the other races on Earth as it is of extraterrestrial origin. It is believed by followers that a space fleet is on its way to Earth from Powerion Alpha, which will join forces with them to rule over the Earth.

The Stokelantians were one of the first cults to harness the seductive power of the internet. Uberman, voted Penkhull Bachelor Of The Year in 1986, used the website to post messages from aliens, many of whom wish him and the Stokelantians well in their quest to rule over the Universe, starting with Earth.

Weiss takes a dip in Lake Burslem

In the late 1990s, Uberman claimed that a giant meteorite, known around the universe as Kwanza’s Comet, was heading towards the Earth. The comet would hit the Earth in June 2002, affect the magnetic poles, displace the Earth’s crust and kill most of humanity. This would be similar to a biblical Armageddon. "The fact that it is of extraterrestrial origin proves I’m right and all other religions are wrong," wrote Uberman in his blog.

In July 2002, Uberman claimed that he had helped divert the disaster. "With my help, my alien friends have been able to keep back the comet. I can’t now tell you when it will hit Earth as this will give THE MAN the opportunity to enforce martial law."

The group has been accused of white supremacy, but their leader, Weiss Uberman, refutes this. "The Swastika is actually an ancient Powerion symbol for good luck. There is no racist connotation to it. In fact, there is no racism at all in the Powerion galaxy, as everyone is the same colour. White."

Crop Circles: A Cynic's View

Of course, not everyone believes that crop circles are of extraterrestrial origin.

Dick Mellor, yesterday

Traffic warden Dick Mellor, who wears an orthopaedic shoe on his left foot because he suffers from hammer toe, self-published a leaflet in 1998 called 'Crop Circles: A Truth Punch To The UFO Face by Traffic Warden Dick Mellor'. He wrote: "If crop circles are the work of hoaxers, then they should stop doing it now. They are breaking the law, embarassing the city and molesting the local food supply. If aliens from another planet are responsible, they should return at once to where they came from and leave us alone. And if supernatural, the beings responsible should realise that us Stokies do not stand for this kind of thing; we are not willing to accept supernatural happenings of any kind. Not in this town and not on my watch."

Critics of Mellor are not shy in coming forward. "He's a fucking tit-munching monkey bollock, and you can quote me on that," says leading medium Crystal O'Future. Dave Munton once described Mellor as a "knob-toed bender".

Crop Circles

The phenomenon of crop circles became widely known in Stoke in the late 1980s, after media reports of crop circles in Baddeley Green. To date, approximately 1000 crop circles have been discovered across Stoke, mainly along the eastern side of the city.

After publicity in the media, crop circle activity skyrockets. Each new design seems to be more complex than earlier ones. Today, crop circle designs have increased in complexity to the point where they have become an art form. Crop circle hoaxer Mike Parson, in an interview with Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Crop Circles Foundation), spoke about this change in crop circle designs.

"I am rather envious of circle-makers in other counties. Expectations about the size and complexity of formations that appear in Stoke are now very high, whereas the rather shabby looking Derbyshire crop circles made the national news. Even Wade Saggory, deputy general of Derbyshire County Council, was on the news banging on about it; 'There is no doubt that it was not man made... an unknown object definitely landed there.' If the same formation appeared in Stoke it would undoubtedly be virtually ignored by researchers and the media alike."

Most people in Stoke believe the circles are messages from alien life forms. Most scientists dispute this, claiming there is no evidence of alien involvement. The fact that many crop circles appear near to Stokehenge or the city’s stargates is what leads many to believe they are extraterrestrial in origin. Many hippies believe crop circles give off sexual energy, which is why you often see copulation at crop circle locations. Some people even claim to have seen UFOs or lights in the sky near to crop circle locations.

Among crop circle supporters was singer Michael Jackson who, prior to his death, argued that some circles displayed a level of weird that even he could barely comprehend it, let alone produce one in a field after dark with the help of a large group of children. Even Hispanic children, his favourite type, and the most hard-working.

The earliest recorded image claimed to be a crop circle is depicted in a 17th century Stoke pottery work called the Doulton Devil. The image shows the Devil cutting a phallic design in a field of nettles with a big sword. The pamphlet that comes with the pottery states that the farmer, disgusted at the high price of African slaves, insisted that he would rather make a deal with the Devil to complete the work than pay for the slaves.

Typical crop circle pattern

In 1976 one of the most famous accounts of UFO-related circles happened in Sneyd Green. A dandelion farmer said he witnessed a saucer-shaped craft rise 40 or 50 feet up from the swamp and then fly away. When he went to investigate the location where he thought the saucer had landed, he found the reeds had melted then solidified into a round tartan pattern on top of the water. The reeds could hold the weight of 10 dwarves.

Some farmers and land-owners have expressed concern at the damage caused to their land and crops by crop circles, although local response to the appearance of a crop circle can often be enthusiastic, with locals taking advantage of the tourist potential of circles. Past ventures have included bus or helicopter tours of circle sites, walking tours, t-shirts and porngraphic movies. Potential markets include scientists and crop circle researchers, individuals seeking a spiritual experience by praying to and communing with spirits, curious tourists and perverts.