World Didn't End Then

Stokies have been celebrating all day after it was revealed by inside sources that the world didn't end yesterday as planned.

"This is great news," said local business leader Dave Munton at a celebratory rave in Hanley. "I'm gonna get some pussy tonight to celebrate."

Bullshit

Mexican cult the Mayans had predicted the world's end, much to the amusement of local apocalypse experts.

"This shows that all them foreign cults are just bullshitters," said local cult leader Fred Gash. "Bullshitters, I say. We predict that the world will actually end in 2014, and everything is still on track for that to happen."

Rough Close

Rough Close is one of Stoke's most well known ghost towns, located at the northern end of the Trentham Desert, at the southern tit of Stoke. Originally built as a township for African slaves to live in, the area boomed in the late 19th Century after a local boy, little Timmy Dribbles, reportedly found some glitter rocks on the outskirts of town.

The town was mined extensively to hunt for more glitter, and the residents turned the town into what was then a futuristic vision of what a town should be, containing many buildings that were firsts for Stoke, including bath houses, gay bars, swingers clubs and a bowling green.

Rough Close, yesterday

Sadly, what glitter there was exhausted quickly, leading to much of the population leaving and the town falling into disrepair. The last residents finally left in 1944. 

Stoke City Council made an attempt to bring people back to the town in 1963 by building a poison factory and a hotel, but this ended badly when the factory poisoned the local water supply. Since then, the town has been used as a site for bomb and nuclear weapon testing by RAF Trentham.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 2: The Moon Landings

There are lazy bozos out there who claim that the moon landings were faked and that the landing footage was filmed in a big studio out in the desert somewhere.

FALSE!

The truth is that man didn't land on the moon, but actually landed on Mars! According to documents I've seen, marked as "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you", NASA didn't think that the world was ready for man landing on Mars so they just pretended Mars was the Moon. This is why the photographs of the landings have shadows in all the wrong places (if they were on the moon) and lead people to believe that they were faked.

Next time: Noel Edmonds

The Azure Ray

According to local Burselm legend, The Azure Ray is a large ghost ship that sails Lake Burslem at night. The boat is said to be a being who is conscious and sentient!

The ship, a booze cruiser, appears as a beautiful and bright fluorescent yellow sailing ship, always full of disco lights and with the sounds of a party on board, but quickly disappears again, leaving no evidence of its presence. The ghost ship is also known to be able to quickly transform and navigate under water, like a James Bond car or something.

The myths claim it is crewed by people who have drowned in the lake, who are brought to the ship by three mythological figures, a mermaid called Sharon, a were-gull called Barry and a talking fish called Ulysses. Once aboard, the dead can resume a typical Stoke existence as if they were alive again, drinking and partying non-stop for eternity on the ghostly booze cruise.

The crew is composed of fishermen and sailors who were kidnapped to serve as human slaves after having been transformed into a creature very similar to Howard the Duck.

Ghost Sensors Could Be Turned Off To Save Money

Ghost sensors could be switched off during the day under the city council's cost-cutting plans. Stoke City Council spends £9 million-per-year on a contract to pay for ghost sensing equipment but council bosses want to cut the annual bill with a new city-wide policy to reduce their usage or turn some of them off altogether.

Pilot schemes have been carried out in Tunstall which saw some sensors turned off from 8am until 5pm, times when ghosts usually rest, but council boffins are still working to identify a safe cut-off point for reduced monitoring if the policy is extended across the city.

Could ghosts run rampage in Tunstall?

Concerns have been raised about increased crime rates from ghosts and the impact on the safety of locals if they are not being watched.

Councillor Mike le Mong, councillor for black ops, said: "In the current financial climate we must be prudent and look carefully at how we can be more efficient and save taxpayers' money. Compromising the safety of local people is neither here-nor-there."

Lloyd Tims, head of health and safety at the Stoke Ghost-Hunting Alliance, said: "This is probably just another case of health and safety gone mad. Crime from ghosts has been on the decrease since we introduced these sensors and now they are going to shit it all back into our face."

Hanley Cathedral To Merge With Apple?

Hanley Cathedral is in talks to merge with internet company Apple in a deal that could be worth over $600 billion.

An iPod

The American company, famed for its eye pads, is worth $600 billion in its own right, and the acquisition of Hanley Cathedral could increase its value by as much as $50,000, drawing it even further ahead of the value of local rivals Microsoft, which is currently worth a paltry $258 billion.

It is not known why Apple would want to buy the cathedral, currently being renovated to become a restaurant unit, but it is thought that it might want to use the stargate buried beneath it as part of its plans for world domination.

Badger Apologises

Stoke Paranormal Society office chimney sweep Barry T. Badger has apologised after calling the organisation "filth" and advising people that investigating the paranormal is "like wanking off Satan's spiky cock".

"I am sorry I called the people who work here 'cock-juggling fucktards' and 'slack-arsed poon-dogs'," said Badger in a statement. "These people are the closest thing I have had to a family since they bought me at the orphan auction, after the tragic deaths of my parents at the hands of Scottish separatist terrorists."

The chimney sweep said he has not taken the paranormal seriously lately, instead spending much of his time taking drugs and having sex with floozies.

"I now realise that partying, taking drugs and having sex is no way to live," continued Badger. "I need to find a new direction in life."

Stoke Paranormal Society Is "Filth"

Stoke Paranormal Society employee Barry T. Badger has stunned the organisation and its fans by branding it "filth" and saying that people should not join it.

The office chimney sweep, 19, who joined the organisation as a 10 year old, made the shocking claim on a video posted on YouPorn.

Barry T. Badger, yesterday

"If you are a member of Stoke Paranormal Society then please stop," pleaded Badger in the video. "I am a member and I don't want to be. Please stop filling your head with filth."

The reaction of Badger's bosses is unknown, but managing director Monty Deschanel is reported to have "thrown a benny" when he saw the video.

"If being here is contributing to that guy down there's plan," continued Badger, pointing downwards, i.e. to hell, "Then I don't want to be here."

"Sneyd Green Steve" Charity Gets Government Grant

A charity which searches for evidence of Sneyd Green Steve is to expand its services after receiving a £300,000 boost from tax payers.

The centre, which is about to celebrate its 35th birthday, caters for fans of the legendary swamp monster as well as offering support to some of the people most vulnerable to an attack by Steve.

The windfall will go towards expanding its services and will pay for two full-time explorers, two part-time hunters, administrative support and advertising.

"The money will allow us to do more work with victims of the monster," says centre manager Derek Farscape. "We will also train unemployed youngsters to be proficient with weapons with the aim that they may one day take down the beast, all with help from the government's New Deal scheme."

The charity beat other good causes to the money, including hospices and orphanages. They will now have to make redundancies and reduce services to make up up for their funding shortfall.

PI Falls Out Of Hospital Window

One of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators, Mick Wessex, has fallen out of a hospital window while he was mooning a group of nurses who were outside treating an old woman and an orphan child who had crashed into each other.

Mr Wessex, who was in hospital for a severe head trauma suffered when a gargoyle fell onto his head, was said to be recovering well from his injuries when the incident occurred.

"He was wobbling his naked arse at us when he lost his balance and fell down," said nurse Tracy Cauliflower. "He fell down with his trousers still around his ankles. He was writhing around on the floor with his junk shaking right at us."

Fortunately, the pensioner, who was old and would have died soon anyway, broke Mick's fall and he suffered only cracked ribs and bruised buttocks in the accident as she valiantly gave up her life for the benefit of others. "It's what the old woman would have wanted," said Mick's agent.

Raoul Moat Story A Hoax

Reports that the ghost of Raoul Moat has been seen in Stoke over the past few days have turned out to be untrue.

The stories, which spread around Stoke like Oscar Wilde fire throughout the week, are thought to have been started by a young boy, who has since been arrested by Staffordshire Police and placed in solitary confinement at Death Row in HMP Werrington pending a full confession of guilt.

The rumours caused such hysteria in the city that angry mobs were formed by concerned locals to search for (and attack with hammers) Moat's ghost. Angry mob union spokesman Terrence Pegg has also confirmed that people called Raoul Mint, Raoul Boat, Barry Moat, Raoul Canal and Mustafa Islam have been accidentally beaten to death by some of the mobs who were looking for the cop-killer's ghost.

One prominent rumour towards the end of the week was that Moat's ghost had been cornered in some woods in Trentham. So convincing was the story that Staffordshire Police surrounded the area and Wayne Biggins turned up at the "siege" with a bottle of WKD, some chicken flavour crisps and a golf club, claiming that he knew Moat's ghost.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No.1: The Assassination of JFK

The accepted version of events today is that Frank Sinatra killed JFK. But what if I told you that it wasn't "ol' blue eyes" who offed JFK after all?

I have seen top secret documents that suggest that it was Lee Harvey Oswald who killed JFK, and he set it up for Frank Sinatra and his mafia buddies to get the blame. After getting arrested, Harvey's plan was that the blame would be put onto Sinatra and he would get away with the murder.

However, he didn't reckon with Jack Ruby, who knew the truth and killed him, but was then silenced by Richard Nixon, as part of his conspiracy to eventually become president, and the blame remained on Sinatra. The Kaiser Chiefs commemorated Ruby by writing a song about him, 'Ruby', which reached number one in the hit parade.

Stokie Shaves Tache For Movember

When Stoke man Mark Willey shaved off his moustache for Movember, he thought he was doing a good deed, but he claims that losing his hairy friend has caused a change in his personality!

James Bond

"Since I did it I now enjoy typical women's work such as cooking, knitting and wanking off strange men," says the former crazy paver. "I never did any of these things before and it is solely happening because I shaved the old boy off for charity. I'm outraged and so was my wife, before she disappeared on our recent hunting trip. May God have mercy on her soul."

Mr Willey plans on suing the Movember UK charity for £50 million.

"Honest Matt" Confirms Bursie Sighting

A local man known as "Honest Matt" has claimed that the recent sighting of Bursie by a group of liars was genuine and that he witnessed the whole thing.

In a harrowing comment on the Fathers 4 Justice website (below a story called "Say it with hate this Mother's Day") that reduced this reporter to horrible tears, Honest Matt claims to have been at Lake Burslem when the sighting occurred.

"I was at Phil Taylor Bay, writhing around topless in a mermaid costume for my own amusement," posted Honest Matt. "I saw the whole thing. It was exactly as the liars described it. But better."

However, Terry Fenton, from Fenton, leader of the liars, says Honest Matt is lying. "There were definitely no topless mermaids there, he is lying."

Bursie Spotted By Liars

The Lake Burslem Monster (aka: "Bursie") has been spotted for only the third time this year by a group of liars who were converting base metals into gold by the side of the lake.

The group, lead by current Mr Universe Terry Fenton, from Fenton, say they saw Bursie resting near Phil Taylor Bay, where the beast was reading a book and listening to jazz music.

After befriending the monster, the liars say that Bursie told them all to put on their water skis as he was going to drag them across the lake, which the monster then did, true to his word. This continued for some time but ended when Bursie had to leave for a prior appointment.

"I understand that people may not believe what we say because we are a group of liars," said Mr Fenton, 50. "But I can assure you that all of this really happened."

Paranormal Investigator Hit By Falling Gargoyle

International media outlets based in Stoke are reporting that Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators and Jeremy Kyle historians, has been hospitalised after a gargoyle fell off a building and onto his head.

The accident happened during the filming of a pilot episode of a new web series, 'Stoke Haunted', as Mick investigated a supposedly haunted building that was once leased by darts legend "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

Mick Wessex,
before the accident

When Taylor leased the shop, which he called 'Power Sports' and sold sports trophies and memorabilia, it only stayed open for business for about 3 months. Taylor cited the haunting as the main reason for the shop's failure, ahead of the poor out-of-town location and over-estimation of the Stoke public's desire for signed Ricky Hatton boxing gloves and Ted Hankey neckerchiefs.

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks has confirmed that Mr Wessex has been arrested in and chained to his hospital bed on suspicion of the destruction of private or public property. This comes after leaked footage appeared to show that the investigator was trying to shake the building with his bare hands just before the gargoyle fell off.

The National Trust have also confirmed that they plan on suing Mr Wessex as the concrete winged creature was a Grade A listed gargoyle with a street value in excess of £5 million.

Mayor Who Refused To Judge Halloween Contest Gets Sacked

Derek Pegg, the mayor of Brindley Ford, and his councillor wife Tracy have been sacked after they turned down an invitation to judge a costume contest at a Halloween event due to their religious beliefs.

They were asked to go to Brindley Ford City Hall (incorporating the Brindley Ford Opera House) for the afternoon event but decided against it after consulting fellow members at their cult.

Mayor Pegg, who is in his 80s, said he did not think young people should take part in Halloween because it glamourises evil. "It glorifies Satan and celebrates the dark side," he said. "Halloween is a pagan festival. I don't think it's appropriate to involve youngsters in this sort of thing."

Mayor Pegg, who is a member of cult The Brindley Ford Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which believes in aliens and group orgies, was removed from his post by an angry mob.

Halloween

Halloween is one of the busiest times of year in Stoke and this year is no exception, with an estimated 700,000 people ready to join in the local celebrations!

The party will begin with the ceremonial burning of the (wicker) witch, which won't feature a real witch obviously, as the burning of witches was outlawed in Stoke in the 1980s. Jonathan Wilkes will light the witch, designed this year to look like Sir Jimmy Savile, with a traditional Stoke molotov cocktail before the celebrations get into full swing with ethnic dancing and naked tom-foolery.

Peter Pumpkincrouch

Highlights this year include a parade of movie villains and a float featuring Tony Pulis as "king of the parade".

Police have warned revellers to check that they buy their LSD from reputable outlets following last year's "psychedlic shitstorm", when a bad batch lead to a mass outbreak of diarrhoea in the city.

Crystal O'Future: "I'll Take Savile To Task"

Celebrity medium Crystal O’Future has outlined her most ambitious stunt ever: she will attempt to contact dead nonce Sir Jim’ll Savile and psychically reprimand him!

"It's become clear now that he nonced off a load of kids over the years," said the medium (real name: Bev Scaggs) at a launch party. "He probably thought he'd got away with it when he died. Well, he didn't factor me into his pervy plans."

In a forthcoming TV special, to be broadcast live on Sky One, Crystal will ask her spirit guide Alan to bully Sir Jim'll in the afterlife, and ask other spirits to do the same.

In the final segment of the show, over pictures of distressed teenagers, Crystal will then confront Sir Jim'll and present covers of newspaper stories about the scandal to him and ask for his response. If/as he attempts to comment, Crystal plans on interrupting the former wrestler by saying the names of his alleged victims and looking angry.

Guests confirmed for the show include Paul Gambuccini, Esther Rantzen, Kirsty Gallacher and street dance crew Diversity.

The show will end with the song 'Wind of Change' by Scorpions being played over the credits, which will feature Crystal walking through the empty streets of Stoke looking disappointed and bog-eyed.

Stoke Paranormal Society Celebrates Anniversary

Friends, and to a lesser extent enemies, you'll have to excuse the lack of posts recently, but that is because the Stoke Paranormal Society is about to turn 1200 years old and we've all been too busy celebrating to do any work!

Founded during the dark ages in 812 AD by Lady Catherine Deschanel, when Stoke was a (crucial) part of the kingdom of Mercia, the organisation was created as a secret society through which proper paranormal investigations could be made. Such scientific practises were banned at a time of religious rule, especially during the then reign of King Coenwulf of Mercia, a hardened supporter of the papacy, and probable deviant.

Over the many years since, the society has grown from strength-to-strength and now employs over 200 full time staff to investigate everything from "Bursie" (the Lake Burslem monster) to crop circles, in places as far apart as Fegg Hayes and Trentham!

As I've said, there's been lots of celebrating this grand achievement going here on at Deschanel Towers. Celebrations which have included lots of alcohol, some illegal substances, extra-marital affairs and, if the forums on MumsNet are to be believed, members of staff shitting in the middle of public playgrounds!

We hope you enjoy being a part of the Stoke Paranormal Society. Here's to the next 1200 years! *cheers*

Strange Bones Discovered At Stoke Sentral

Construction on Stoke's new bus station and retail complex, Stoke Sentral (aka: City Sentral), has ground to a halt after strange bones were discovered at the site.

The bus station part of the complex, planned to be open before the end of the year, is not now expected to be completed until the excavation for further bones is complete. The retail complex, due for completion in 2015 will also be delayed.

"These could be anything from dinosaur bones to vampires or aliens," says archaeology expert Pob Hemsworth. "Wild speculation is the order of the day until we have knocked everything down and can trawl through the wreckage with hammers. The regeneration of Stoke city centre can wait, bones are more important than progress."

PETA Attack Paranormal Investigator

Animal rights activists from PETA have attacked paranormal investigator Mick Wessex after he wore a fur outfit to the opening of a new exhibition at the Potteries Museum and Art Gallery in Hanley.

The activists doused Mick in animal blood and shit as he sauntered into the venue wearing a custom made squirrel fur catsuit and ratskin leather boots and cowboy hat.

Mick Wessex

"They just ran up and doused the little fella with gallons of the stuff," said onlooker Road Kenilworth. "It was humiliating, but funny at the same time, as these things often are."

"I think I got a few punches in on a couple of 'em," squealed Mick to journalists as he was dragged away from the ensuing brawl by police. "I REGRET NOTHING!" he shouted as the police car sped away.

Ghosts Burgle Pensioner

Two ghosts posed as FBI agents after breaking into an elderly woman's home to steal her possessions.

The pair of spooks had forced their way into the terrace house in Elton Welsby Street in Fenton, when they are thought to have been confronted by the angry pensioner. They tried to trick the woman by showing her an ID card with 'FBI' on it.

Two ghosts

The burglars then fled with cash and jam before she had time to raise the alarm. Now Staffordshire Police are consulting with mediums to hunt the two ghosts who were described as "see through" and "floaty".

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "We are urging residents to be on their guard and report any suspicious ghosts immediately. Residents should always ask to see identification from any ghost and ask for a phone number to verify that they are who they say they are."

Beware Ghost In Goldenhill

If you're planning on going dogging anytime soon next to Goldenhill Golf Course, just off Kidsgrove Road, you might want to be aware of the ghost reported to be haunting the area!

I've never been, but dogging friends of mine have, and they are reporting that a pervy apparition has been spying on the hot outdoor action, and sometimes, commentating on it too!

"We're used to people watching us," says official dogger spokesman Fred Claus. "And we get off on it, but noobs might get weirded out by it the first time, so they should be careful."

Tonight's main dogging hotspots will be at the following car parks:

Chell Heath Conservative Working Men's Club

Dimensions Leisure Centre (Burslem)

Fegg Hayes Calvinist Chapel

Goldenhill Golf Course

Middleport Adventure Theme Park

Norton Space Centre

Wedgwood Museum

Mick Wessex: My Drug Hell

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has issued an apology to fans after being arrested for possession of cocaine.

Mick was enjoying a night out with friends at ST1 in Hanley when a fight broke out with dancers in the VIP section. Police discovered the drugs in Mick's pants after a strip search in the car park.

"I'm sorry that I got caught packing gak," the renowned investigator told MumsNet. "I've let down my fans, especially the kids who look up to me. My Momma is gonna kill me."

Wessex said he got the cocaine from a "council estate chav" who gave him the drugs as he recognised him from local media outlets. He says he may have had "a cheeky snort" but "didn't inhale".

Wessex courted controversy with drugs earlier in his career, when he was known as the "rock 'n' roll paranormal investigator". He once declared in an interview in GQ magazine that taking drugs was "as common in Stoke as eating muffins" and that "doing speed sharpens the investigation senses".

Staffordshire Police will take no further action against Mick after the cocaine disappeared from its evidence locker. "Someone may have taken it out to have a look at and forgotten to put it back," said police spokesman Barry Shanks.

Swingers Sprayed Man With Bigfoot Spray

When Bert Bostick, 66, and his fuck-muffin Beryl Reid, 31, contacted David Munphy on MumsNet and invited him to spend the weekend at their secluded cottage in Norton, little did they know it would end in court proceedings.

Munphy arrived on a Thursday evening and Fenton Magistrates Court heard that the drug-fuelled weekend had "gone well" until the early hours of Saturday morning, when he refused to have his photograph taken on a mobile phone.

Bostick then sprayed Munphy in the face with Bigfoot Wild Max Attack Spray and Mr Munphy fled the house leaving his belongings behind. A kerb crawler found him running down the road and police were called to the cottage. Bostick and Reid were later arrested.

Judge Terry Hatepunch heard that the couple admitted assaulting Mr Munphy on 21 April earlier this year. Wayne Biggins, prosecuting, said the visitor was urinating in a hot tub while drinking a can of deliciously smooth but strong Tennent's Extra, when Bostick pointed his mobile phone at Mr Munphy's backside and said: "Smile for the camera."

Mr Biggins added: "After Mr Munphy got a benny on about it, Mr Bostick then said to him, 'Did you think you can come here all weekend, jizz all over my wife, and nothing would happen, you stupid fucktard?'"

Bostick and Reid admitted assaulting Mr Munphy by threatening to stab him with an icicle "so there's no evidence" and discharging the Bigfoot repellent in his face. Barclay also admitted unlawful possession of illegal icicles worth up to £7,500.

Alternative Therapies Under Threat

A series of alternative therapy health services in North Staffordshire face being cut back or scrapped after a councillor read a Wikipedia article saying that they are unproven.

"Looking at our health budget, we spend more on alternative therapies than we do on hospitals and GPs and shit," says city councillor Bert Barcroft. "And this must change. Therapies such as 'buttock frenching', 'psychic pumping' and 'soul clamming' are not health practises recognised by the experts. As far as I am aware. Though I could be wrong, and often am."

Celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future
(real name: Bev Scaggs)

"I don't care what the so-called 'experts' reckon," says celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future. "I know better and I know that these therapies work. A chat with any of the vulnerable old ladies who pay £150 per session for my services can testify to that. TESTIFY!"

Tracy Cocking is Stoke's leading practitioner of 'hate dancing', where she gets criminals to dance the illegal tendencies right out of their body. "My work is tried and tested," she says. "Over 5% of crims who come to my studio do not get caught re-offending again within 3 weeks of seeing me. That is under threat now. It's a disgrace."

Paranormal Investigator In Wine Bottle Insertion Scandal

Local paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has hit the headlines once again after being taken to hospital with a wine bottle stuck in his anus.

The incident happened on Saturday night while Mick was watching the film 'Sliver' on Channel 4. His precise current condition is not known, but has been described as "cheeky" by nurses.

Mick Wessex

The exact circumstances that lead to the accident are currently the subject of wild speculation on MumsNet, but University Hospital of North Staffordshire spokesman Terry Bodger confirmed that the bottle has now been removed. "Fortunately, the bottle was empty and had a cocaine-laced condom on it, making it easier to extract."

Mr Wessex has only just resumed his paranormal investigations following a previous hospital stay when he fell out of a plane and landed on a prostitute, causing him serious injury. The prostitute died in the incident.

Stoke-on-Tokyo

Nearly 6,000 miles away from the real thing, visitors in Japan are flocking to Stoke Country Park, near the town of Maruyama, 20 miles north east of Japan's capital, Tokyo.

Japan's latest tourist attraction is a not-to-scale recreation of our fair city, containing everything from Stoke's beloved architecture to its famous monsters including Bursie and Sneyd Green Steve!

Park owner Sawako Sato spent a year in Stoke working for Vodaphone and loved it so much he decided to build the park when he returned home! "People in Japan love monsters, and Stoke has the best," says Mr Sato. "I think the park will be a big hit."

City councillor Jinky Watkins is overjoyed. "The Orientals are a great bunch," he says. "Hopefully we can have a cultural exchange and they'll let us have some of their girls-knickers-vending machines or some shit in return."

Judge: Alien Kidnappers Are Very "Courageous"

Stoke judge Terry Hatepunch has caused outrage throughout the city by describing aliens who kidnap and probe Stokies as "courageous".

Presiding at Fenton Magistrates Court, in the case of Phil Collins vs El Paethorito, Judge Hatepunch praised the alien El Paethorito, who did not attend the hearing, saying that travelling millions of light years to kidnap and anally probe angry Stokies was "brave", and "was not something I could do."

Not that one.

Mr Collins, not the drummer from Genesis, but someone else with the same name, had brought a civil case against the alien who he claims has kidnapped him on multiple occasions, something he says is "definitely not funny".

Despite his comments, Judge Hatepunch eventually sided with Mr Collins, awarding him damages of £250 million.

Farmhand Claims Alien Invasion

A local Stockton Brook farmboy has claimed he witnessed an alien invasion last Friday night, but critics insist it was just a meteor shower!

Terry Tucker, 23

"As I chowed down on a ploughman's in the barn, I looked up to see lights in the sky!" claims Terry Tucker, 23, father of eight. "It was the real deal and I don’t care what the townies say, I know they were them there spaceships!"

"They were definitely not spaceships, and I've got the photos and scientific data to prove it," says meteor mogul French Bunningham. "Don’t listen to what the inbred, yokel farmers say, they don't know shit and, furthermore, it's time they stopped getting subsidies for their useless land, the lazy bastards."

The Men Who Stare At Badgers

Word on the street is that RAF Trentham is resurrecting its controversial remote viewing programme, which was closed down several years ago amid claims that "viewers" used their powers for personal gain and sexual gratification during office hours.

The programme was designed to be used to harness the power of the mind to spy on rival armies in Russia, Stone and Crewe, and to kill people just by staring at them really hard.

If you are interested, please contact the RAF at 0845 605 5555 and ask to be transferred to RAF Trentham, remote viewing desk.

Dead Mermaid In Goms Mill?

A possible mermaid corpse has been found in a swimming pool in Goms Mill, near to Longton.

The topless corpse, which may or may not have been assaulted then partially barbecued, is the property of 57 year old moustache magnate Mark Willey. Mr Willey refuses to let the mermaid out of his sight to be examined but claims it's the real deal.

"It's mine, I own it, if I want to let you in to play with it I will," says Mr Willey. "And if I tell you to fuck off and get back to your own end, you will fuck off and get back to your own end, capiche?"

Mr Willey has so far refused to comment on how the mermaid ended up dead in his swimming pool, or about the simultaneous and "unrelated" disappearance of his wife.

Strange Items Left At Travel Tavern After Ghost Conference

A quirky list of lost-and-found items has been compiled by local travel tavern The Burslem Hilton after a recent conference on ghost-hunting held at the hotel.

Among the items left behind include ghost-hunting equipment, a life-size Fegg Hayes Yeti costume with detachable penis, a case full of 100 Lou Diamond Phillips masks and an urn containing the ashes of local serial killer Dr Harold Shipman.

Staff at the tavern were even treated to an early Christmas surprise when a couple left a Santa-shaped dildo in their room.

An 18-month-old boy was also left behind, though no 'Home Alone'-style japes were recorded after the boy was locked in a vault for safekeeping until his parents returned the next week to reclaim him.

An energetic gerbil was also found in a cage in one room.

Some of the items left behind:

A suitcase of vintage dwarf pornography

Keys to a white Vauxhall Nova

A suitcase of designer badger outfits and matching collars

A life size Mr Blobby costume

A semen-stained poster of Robert Kilroy-Silk

A 12" picture disc of 'Love Shack' by The B-52's

CCTV Placed To Catch Ghost Vandals

CCTV cameras have been installed on part of a housing estate after a spate of vandal attacks.

The increased security has been put in place in Cobridge after youths claimed ghosts targeted play equipment and community allotments. Incidents included arson attacks, break-ins and plants being uprooted. Words such as "fuck off grampa" and "gobble is a shitmuncher" have been sprayed onto sheds and crack-dens.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "Large groups of young people were gathering in the area. They say ghosts must have done it because they didn't. Infrared CCTV cameras have been installed to assist. If caught, the ghosts will be spoken to and warned about their future behaviour."

Local resident Bob Lazarus said: "We have had attempted break-ins, with bricks thrown at the shed and someone or thing trying to kick the door down. They have been in our equipment smoking and starting fires which now need literally pounds worth of repairs."

The spokeschav for the local unruly children, Makkenzee Gobble, denies any child involvement. "No way dude, the spooky bastards did it, not us. Now fuck off or I'll cut you."

The UFogs

The UFogs cult, based in Barlaston, is lead by the charismatic Ferria, a former titty bar owner born in 1965 as Paul Gristle. The cult believes that it is in contact with a race of aliens called The Aubreys. The leader of the aliens, Kengo Gash-Rar, is a close personal friend of Ferria; his inter-dimensional spaceship orbits the Earth protecting the UFogs (but not the rest of the human race) from potential alien attack. When its believers die, the Aubreys will transport the UFogs to another dimension for eternal life. The UFogs believe in free love. As leader, Ferria is required to take the virginity of all female followers.



Ferria (aka: Paul Gristle)



Ferria claims that Kengo is a messiah figure who will declare his presence to the wider world when the time is right. The Aubreys come from an alternate dimension Mars, and their mother ships are shaped like chicken drumsticks. Kengo told Ferria that humans are descendants of these Martians, who came to Earth 1 million years ago on holiday and never left.

Scientology Is "Weird", Says Rival Cult

The Church of Scientology is "made up of nutters" and its beliefs are "as bent as a bag of broken bollocks", says The Supreme Master, leader of Stoke cult The Master's Race.

In a frank interview on Signal Gold's Paranormal Night radio show, interspersed with hits from the 70s, The Supreme Master lambasted the American cult's recent attempts to break into the Stoke market. "Get back to your own end," he said, while holding up a picture of America to a webcam.

"They're little more than a bunch of weird, asexual freaks," continued The Supreme Master, following the playing of a track by Black Country rockers Slade. "Tom Cruise and his bald mates can suck my balls and go to hell. Not literally. Apart from the hell bit."

The Church of Scientology has yet to respond, but if it does, it will probably involve sending some of their stormtroopers to follow people around with cameras.

Fegg Hayes Yeti Is Gay, Claims Boy

Stoke's scientific community has been thrown into a tizz after an 11 year old boy claimed that the Fegg Hayes Yeti is gay!

The boy made the claim during a history lesson yesterday at the Phil Taylor Institute of Technology (formerly known as: Cheg's High School) in Burslem. Teacher Ted Stott was astonished by the claim. "I was astonished by the claim," he says. "The little bastard just got up in class and said, 'The Fegg Hayes Yeti is totes gay.' He then marched out of the classroom, lighting a cigarette on a bunsen burner as he went. I assume he went home to prepare the evidence of his discovery for presentation to the world's scientific community."

"We are waiting to see what evidence the boy has got to enable him to make this claim," said local Yeti expert Fenk Hitler. "He must have some real concrete evidence to have been so bold."

"I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day," added Mr Stott. "This could be the greatest discovery in the history of evolution, and it happened here in Boslem."

BREAKING NEWS!

It has been reported that there are several outbreaks of the T-Virus in Stoke.

 

More to follow...

"I've Had Sex With 1,000 Aliens"

Baddeley Green resident Terry Seagull might not look like a ladykiller, yet he has had sex with over 1,000 female aliens! (Or so he claims.)

"It started the first time I was kidnapped by aliens," says the part-time 'Dr Who' fan. "They were going to probe me, and I was like, 'Why don't you let me probe you instead, if you know what I mean?' And they were like, 'OK,' so I was like, 'Let's do this thing!' I then had it off with the aliens in both positions: normal and doggy."

Terry claims he was so good that the aliens kept coming back for more. "The bitches couldn't get enough of me, they said I'm the best they'd ever had. All of them quite literally said that."

Terry doesn't have proof of any of this, but says his word should be good enough. "C'mon, it's me, El Tel, you know you can trust me. But, if you don't believe me, it's because you're a jealous slut," he says to his detractors.

Man Builds Exact Replica Of Stoke On 'SimCity', Gets Destroyed By Bowser

Self-described "Stoke layabout" Gil Gerard has spent the last 15 years of his life playing the game 'SimCity 2000' on his Super Nintendo, recreating Stoke to the smallest detail... only to see it destroyed in a matter of hours by a rampaging Bowser!

"I'm pretty gutted, to be honest," said a forlorn Gil. "I feel like my life's work has been for nothing."

"I don't think that this means that an attack will definitely happen," said environmental analyst Cob Juicer. "But, SimCity 2000 is a very intelligent simulator and if it says Bowser will attack Stoke, we should at least be on the lookout."

Stoke City Council have described the chances of Stoke being destroyed by Bowser as "minimal".

Residents Call For Ghost Ban In Tunstall

Residents of Tunny [Tunstall] are calling for ghosts to be banned from its town centre after claiming inconsiderate spirits keep bothering pedestrians! Regulations are planned which will see ghosts banned between the hours of 9am and 7pm from Monday to Saturday.

Chairman of the Tunny Civic Society, Ron Atkinson, has contacted both Staffordshire Police and Stoke City Council about the issue. "This has been a problem for a long time," said Ron. "They reckon that one person was so badly hurt that they ended up with Down Syndrome. Ghosts go tearing around with no consideration for the pedestrians and nothing is being done about it."





President of the Tunny Chamber of Commerce, Doug Morris, was recently bitch-slapped by a ghost while kerb-crawling in the town. The 85-year-old said: "Unfortunately, a ghost made me crash my pussy wagon into a Mothercare store. I didn't think ghosts were allowed in the town centre at all, but that doesn't appear to be stopping the floaty bastards. And have you never noticed how you never see a black or Asian ghost?"

Barry Shanks, a spokesman from Staffordshire Police, said: "It is an offence to be a ghost or dress as one in the town centre. Our police officers have been told to beat anything resembling a ghost with hammers."