Batman & Robin

Intro: 'Batman & Robin' is the fourth Batman film, but no-one says that it's the best. Directed by Joel Schumacher, who also directed the previous film in the series, the abominable 'Batman Forever', and with George Clooney replacing Val Kilmer as Batman, the film was released in 1997. Clooney has since described the film as a "waste of money".

Cast: George Clooney (Bruce Wayne/Batman), Chris O'Donnell (Dick Grayson/Robin), Alicia Silverstone (Barbara Wilson/Batgirl), Michael Gough (Alfred), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Dr Fries/Mr Freeze), Uma Thurman (Dr Isley/Poison Ivy), someone no-one's heard of (Bane)

1 min: Arnie is top of the credits. IT'S A BATMAN FILM! How can Clooney not be top?

2 min: We get to see close-ups of Batman and Robin's arses and crotches in their tight outfits. Thanks. For. That. The new Batmobile looks like a flimsy plastic nightmare.

3 min: The first words of the film are Robin saying: "I want a car. Chicks dig the car." Classic opening line, take that Shakespeare! "This is why Superman works alone," replies Batman. Zing!

4 min: "Don't wait up, Al," Robin says to Alfred the butler. "I'll cancel the pizzas," replies Alfred. He then pulls a face like he's shitting himself or something. He's probably meant to be ill. Commisioner Gordon tells Batman that Mr Freeze is causing havoc in Gotham.

5 min: At Gotham Museum of Art, which is covered in ice, Mr Freeze turns some cops/security guards into (more) ice, then says: "The iceman cometh." Another cop/guard begs for mercy. "I'm afraid that my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy," Arnie says. Then freezes him. Is Gore Vidal an uncredited dialogue writer in this film? Easy to see why he's called Mr Freeze. He then grabs a big diamond. Don't know why that would be in a museum of art.

6 min: Batman shows up. "You're not sending me to the cooler!" Arnie shouts. Robin shows up and kicks the diamond from Mr Freeze's hand. "Grab the gem! Kill the heroes!" Arnie shouts at his henchmen, who look like Jason Voorhees on ice skates. They must be useless in non-ice-based fights. "Yes, kill them. Kill them, yes," Arnie adds, in case in wasn't clear what he wanted his ice-skating henchmen to do.

8 min: As Batman and Robin fight about 100 henchman, Arnie shouts: "What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!" I'm not sure that's factually accurate. He then freezes a big dinosaur anyway. Again, I'm not sure why that's in a museum of art. Arnie then scarpers in a rocket he has inside of his big snow plough.

10 min: Batman and Robin go after Mr Freeze, but Batman gets trapped inside the rocket while Robin is stuck clinging to the outside of it. He gets inside and saves the B-man though, in case you were worried.

12 min: The rocket blows up but Batman and Robin use the explosion to surf (!) back to Earth, catching up with Mr Freeze and grabbing the big diamond back from him, defying the laws of gravity as they do so. Take that science!

14 min: Chasing after Mr Freeze, Robin gets frozen by his big freeze gun! "Stay cool, bird boy!" Arnie screams as he scarpers with the diamond, which he's somehow got back. Batman thaws Robin out while Mr Freeze escapes.

15 min: "Drats. My experiment to mate an orchid and a South American rattlesnake have failed again," says Uma Thurman in a lab somewhere. "But I still have high hopes for the animal-plant cross-breedings." She must be a bad guy.

17 min: In the lab next to Uma Thurman is Lionel Luthor from 'Smallville', who appears to be wearing about 3 pairs of glasses. He is experimenting on humans for the pleasure of onlookers in military uniforms. He's created Bane by feeding some liquids into his head via a big tube!

20 min: After walking in on Lionel Luthor's scheme, Uma Thurman is forced back to her lab by him and pushed over into loads of chemicals. Surely she wouldn't survive that, let alone develop some sort of special powers from the incident? Surely?

21 min: Clooney is showing a video of how Arnie became Mr Freeze. It basically entails Arnie shouting: "Argh argh argh," then jumping backwards into a vat of liquid. "That's gotta hurt," Chris O'Donnell helpfully adds.

22 min: Alfred looks like he's shitting himself again. He must be seriously ill.

24 min: It turns out that Uma Thurman survived and has turned into Poison Ivy, who was originally played by Drew Barrymore in that film called 'Poison Ivy'. You know the one. She kisses Lionel Luthor and he dies. She then takes about a minute to explain who she is now, in case it isn't clear. Her lips are now poisonous, apparently, that's why Lionel Luthor died.

26 min: Arnie is making his goons sing songs about snow for his amusement. He then reveals (to no-one) his plan to freeze Gotham, hold the city to ransom, then find a cure for his wife, who he keeps in a tank. Typical wife: lazy. You know what I'm saying, right guys?

29 min: Who's at the door to Wayne Manor? It's only that Alicia Silverstone dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl! Seemingly, she is Alfred's niece from England. She doesn't bother doing the accent.

32 min: After everyone has gone to bed, Silverstone climbs out of a window (dressed in leathers) and nicks a motorbike. BECAUSE SHE'S A REBEL.

34 min: Bane is now Uma Thurman's henchman. Don't know how that happened. Clooney is with Elle Macpherson at Gotham Observatory, donating a telescope. Thurman shows up and asks Clooney to stop polluting the Earth. He says no.

37 min: Uma Thurman starts talking out loud to herself. BECAUSE SHE'S CRAZY. She plans to kill Batman and Robin and turn Gotham into a big forest. She should get together with Arnie, they have similar plans to both kill Batman and Robin.

39 min: We now go to a fund-raising party at Gotham Botannical Gardens, where people dressed like Tarzan are swinging around. Batman and Robin are there hoping to lure Mr Freeze by showing off some big diamonds. This seems like a lame plan as Mr Freeze could easily show up and kill the hundreds of regular citizens at the party.

40 min: They seem to be auctioning off women at this party.

41 min: Uma Thurman has shown up, dressed as a monkey with pink fur. She does a seductive dance then blows some pink fumes at Batman and Robin. They are presumably under her spell or some shit.

43 min: An interviewer asks Uma Thurman who she is. "Poison, Poison Ivy," she says. Surely the name is a giveaway that SHE'S BAD? People start bidding on Posion Ivy and Batman and Robin start arguing with each other about who likes her more.

44 min: As I predicted, Mr Freeze shows up and starts laying waste to random members of the public. "Alright everyone, chill," Arnie says as he freezes people.

45 min: Fights break out. We can clearly see Clooney's foot miss a henchman by about 2 feet as he supposedly kicks kis face off. We also get comedy sound effects as Robin chucks stuff at Mr Freeze's henchmen.

46 min: They said it would never happen, that two such great, charismatic actors would appear together onscreen together at the same time. But no, Arnie and Uma Thurman are together at last! Thurman tries to blow her fumes at Mr Freeze but it doesn't work. "Cool party," Arnie says as he leaves with the diamonds.

48 min: "It's a cool town," Arnie says to himself as Batman and Robin chase after him in the Batmobile and whatever-the-bike-is-called that Robin drives. Mr Freeze shoots the Batmobile with ice but Batman ejects and captures him! Job done.

52 min: Alicia Silverstone returns to Wayne Manor but Chris O'Donnell catches her. She throws him down. "Did they teach you that at Oxbridge?" asks O'Donnell. "London is kinda rough," replies Silverstone. Didn't the scriptwriter even look at a map of England when writing this shit?

53 min: Mr Freeze gets wheeled into Arkham Asylum inside a big fridge. "Allow me to break the ice, my name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it's the chilling sound of your doom!" Arnie says to his prison guards.

58 min: Elle Macpherson now gets the chance to show she can't act, and she doesn't disappoint, telling Clooney she wants to marry him. No, girl, Clooney don't marry!

60 min: Silverstone slips out of Wayne Manor again, but O'Donnell follows her. Coolio appears. Yes, that Coolio. It turns out he organises motorbike street races for money.

61 min: The race begins! The riders race through buildings and under bridges. Quite how they would know the circuit isn't explained as this is supposedly a new route.

64 min: Some goon has somehow broken a bridge, causing Alicia Silverstone to fall off! But as she's falling, her foot is grabbed by another racer who turns out to be Chris O'Donnell. What are the chances?

65 min: Silverstone tells O'Donnell that Alfred is dying, which must be why he keeps pulling faces like he's shitting himself. Clooney already knew this. Because Clooney always knows.

67 min: Arnie gets a visitor in his cell, it's only that bloody Uma Thurman! With Bane's help, she breaks Arnie out. Bane now looks like Shrek in a mask as he's all green and shit.

72 min: Clooney and O'Donnell now realise that Poison Ivy is evil when they see CCTV footage of her breaking Arnie out of Arkham Asylum. Duh.

73 min: At Mr Freeze's base, Batman and Robin are looking at Freeze's wife, still in a tank with some sort of incurable disease. Arnie and Thurman show up, and Arnie makes the AC blow out some sort of smoke, which knocks out the cops there. We know this because one of the cops says, "Argh, my lungs," as he collapses. "Chilled to perfection," Arnie says.

74 min: Batman and Robin face off against Shrek, I mean Bane. Poison Ivy keeps trying to kiss them, to no avail.

77 min: Under Ivy's spell, Robin gets annoyed and tells Batman he's "going solo". Ivy escapes and kicks a lead going into Mr Freeze's wife's tank, presumably killing her.

78 min: Arriving back at her base, Thurman tells Arnie that Batman killed his wife. BECAUSE SHE'S EVIL. We can tell that Arnie is angry because he knocks some stuff from a table. They formulate a plan to kill all humanity. By formulate, I mean they say stuff like 'let's kill all mankind', they don't actually make any concrete plans.

80 min: Back at Wayne Manor, it seems that Alfred has got the same disease that Mr Freeze's wife has got. What are the chances?

82 min: Alfred gives Alicia Silverstone a disc for her to pass to his brother and tells her "never open it". What's the bets that she opens it?

83 min: We're back at Gotham Observatory. I guess they spent a fortune on the set, they need to get their money's worth. Uma Thurman is there and convinces Commissoner Gordon to hand over the keys to that batlight thing that shines the Batman symbol into the sky. Don't know what it's called.

86 min: Guess what? Alicia Silverstone is reading the disc Alfred gave her. On the disc are schematics for the Batmobile and stuff.

89 min: Arnie says he needs the power of Gotham's new telescope to freeze Gotham. Hopefully this won't mean more scenes at the dreary Gotham Observatory. A Robin signal shines in the sky. Batman and Robin argue again. It's obviously a trap by Poison Ivy you idiots!

91 min: Arnie and Bane break into Gotham Observatory. I don't know why we keep comong back here, it's not even an impressive set. Bane places some plastic icicles around the telescope. "If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest, it's time to feast!" Arnie says. What? "Tonight, hell freezes over," Arnie adds, as he fires the telescope, which is inexplicably now a freezing ray gun.

92 min: Alicia Silverstone is in the Batcave. Alfred has left her a suit. I guess this makes now her Batgirl or some shit.

94 min: Robin has found Ivy's lair. She is waiting for him inside of a big flower. Robin says he'll kiss her if she reveals her plans, which she does. IDIOT! Has she never seen a Bond film? They kiss but Robin is wearing rubber lips(!). This bit was in the DVD introduction so I already knew it would happen.

96 min: Batman shows up, but she tells her vines to tie him up, which they do. Some other vines pull Robin underwater. It's not going well... but Batgirl shows up!

97 min: As Batgirl and Poison Ivy bitch slap each other, Batman gets his cock out to cut away the vines that are holding him. Not really, he's got an electric saw. Inexplicably, the big flower Ivy was sitting in earlier decides to eat her.

98 min: Gotham Observatory is now frozen. "Let's kick some ice!" Arnie says, to no-one. That almost works as a pun. But doesn't. He fires the big ice ray over Gotham and it freezes over. We see a dog taking a piss on a fire hydrant get frozen. Mr Freeze must be evil, he has no regard for dogs.

100 min: The Bat-gang have not been frozen and fight Mr Freeze's goons. All 1 of them. The goon wins! Not really, it was never a fair fight.

102 min: Arriving at the observatory, the gang say that it's now daylight in "the Congo", so their plan is to reflect sunlight from there using a series of handily placed satellites onto Gotham to melt all the ice. Why don't they just reflect light from the Sun? As they set about reflecting light from "the Congo", Mr Freeze shows up! Even though he was in that exact spot literally 4 minutes ago. He must have popped out for a piss or something.

105 min: We get the big fight showdowns: Batman vs Mr Freeze and Robin & Batgirl vs Bane. Bane goes down almost immediately as Robin and Batgirl kick the big tube coming out of the back of his head, and he shrinks back to normal-people size. Batman puts something hot inside of Mr Freeze's suit (not his cock, if that's what you're thinking), knocking him down. "The heat is on," says Batman. Zing! He then redirects the satellites and unfreezes some of Gotham. But wait, Mr Freeze has set off those plastic icicles, which are apparently bombs! "Freeze in hell, Batman!" Arnie says. The telescope falls off the edge of the cliff it is located on, with Batman on it!

107 min: Batman shoots one of those metal bats-on-some-string things as the telescope is falling and gets back up to what is left of the observatory. Robin and Batgirl reposition the satellites to directly reflect sunlight from "the Congo" onto Gotham.

109 min: It worked! Gotham is saved! We know this because we see the frozen dog that was pissing on a fire hydrant and he's OK now.

110 min: Batman tells Mr Freeze that he's taking him back to Arkham Asylum and plays a video showing Poison Ivy admit to killing his wife, except it turns out she's not dead now (?) and that Mr Freeze should work on a cure for her and Alfred. Handily, Arnie already has a cure for Alfred in his suit and gives it to Batman.

112 min: Back at Wayne Manor, Batman puts the cure into Alfred. With his cock. Not really. He uses a drip. It turns out Poison Ivy isn't dead either, she's now in Arkham Asylum. She gets a visitor to her cell, it's only that bloody Mr Freeze! Presumably he's there to kill her.

114 min: It's taken all of 3 minutes but Alfred has been cured! Hugs all round! Clooney, Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone will make a pretty formidable team in the next film, that's for sure! Oh, wait...

Summary: This film is shit. I watched it so you don't have to.

Rating: 1/5