Business As Usual

Stoke's Council of Elders has advised Stokies to go about their business as usual despite the presence of a giant UFO that is hovering over the city.

"The UFO is no threat to Stoke and people should get on with their lives as normal," Elders spokesman Barry Riley advised. "Stopping in the streets and gawping up at it is a health and safety risk to drivers and people who do it will be prosecuted."

The UFO arrived three days ago and has hovered over the city ever since. No contact has been made with the ship or its inhabitants.

"The UFO will leave when it is good and ready," added Mr Riley. "Furthermore, we do not want any locals to try and rob it. We caught one man trying to reach it with a massive ladder. We will be watching."

One Night In November

In November and December 1980, the eastern side of Stoke was experiencing a major UFO sighting wave. There were chases of UFOs by police cars near Stockton Brook and a UFO that overflew an oil rig on Lake Burslem.

The UFO, photographed over Lake Burslem

PC Keith Jellies was on patrol on the night of 28 November 1980. Just before dawn he drove along Bummer Road in Sneyd Green looking for some badgers that had been reported missing. They were only found after sun-up, mysteriously relocated in a blood-soaked field in Endon.

Jellies was about to go back to base to sign off duty when he saw a large mass a few hundred yards ahead. At first, he thought it was a hovercraft, but he soon realised that it was something strange. It was a fuzzy oval that rotated at such speed and hovered so low that it was causing the prostitutes by the side of the road to fall over. Then there was a burst of light, and the next thing he knew he was driving his car again, further along Bummer Road, with no sign of the UFO or the prostitutes.

Concerned as to possible ridicule, PC Jellies at first chose not to make an official report, but changed his mind later that day when he got drunk with his children. 

Jellies filed an official report, but was surprised when police chose to sack him instead of investigating further. He went home and killed his wife and children, then himself, with a .44 Magnum handgun. Because of the incident, Staffordshire Police vowed to take UFO sightings more seriously.

RAF Trentham Defies Orders

Senior staff at RAF Trentham have told the STOKE PARANORMAL SOCIETY that they disobeyed orders from RAF bigwigs to stop investigating UFOs, and will continue to do so.

"Investigating UFO reports is probably the most fun aspect of our work," says Major General Ken Major. "All the other stuff to do with planes and helicopters is actually pretty boring and we don't really care for it that much."

It was revealed earlier this week that the RAF closed down its UFO hotline in 2009.

"We won't be stopping our UFO work," says base chief General Lib Clownfish. "We are prepared to leave the RAF and become an independent airbase if necessary."

UFO Seen Near To RAF Trentham

Air Force pilot Peg Klemp was flying her standard issue jet pack on Friday night near to RAF Trentham when she encountered a UFO flying towards her.

The UFO came down to land and Peg flew onto the roof of the ship. She then tried to kick the windows in and break off the wing mirrors.

The UFO then took off and flew away, leading Peg to fall to the ground and break all her toes. The jet pack exploded on impact and is now partially infused to her spine, leaving her with a hump.

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part II)

25 December 2012

When local vicar Rev Charles Cockshoot saw a UFO over Burslem on Christmas morning, it changed his life forever. "It made me realise that everything I believe in is nonsense," said the 'Strictly Come Dancing' fan, 50. "I quit the church there and then and am now much happier."

27 December 2012

Making her way home to Birches Head after picking up a copy of the eponymous debut album by acclaimed singer-songwriter Rickie Lee Jones for just £3 in the HMV sale, bricklayer Tuft Godfreys witnessed a UFO crash. "One of the flying spacecrafts pulled out in front of the other, causing the crash," said the 'Dancing On Ice' viewer. "The two aliens got out of their ships and argued about who was to blame. I didn't get involved."

31 December 2012

When angry loner Nigel Maycock took to the top of Packmoor Tower on New Year's Eve, intending to pick off random revellers with his sniper rile, he didn't expect to see a UFO! "I expected bloodshed," laughs the postman, 50. "I was setting my scope up when I saw one of them UFOs. Looked like a new one too."

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part I)

This time of year is always a busy one for UFO spotters, as many aliens head home for the holidays, often too drunk to worry about covering their flight paths from prying human eyes.

19 December 2012

Burglar Ken Toxic was shimmying up a drainpipe at a legally undisclosable location in Bentilee (his ex-wife's house) when he witnessed a flying saucer go overhead. "It was saucer-shaped and it was flying," said the common thief. "And I couldn't identify what it was. I don't know if there's a name for such a thing, but that's what I saw," added the self-confessed fan of Tina from 'Corrie'.

21 December 2012

Jobless Reg Milker was returning to his home in Tunstall home from a late night drinking sesh, when he looked up at the sky while urinating into a postbox to see three spaceships flying in formation northwards. "I don’t know where they're going," said Reg, who prefers Maria to Tina in 'Corrie'. "But they were sure in a hurry, they were going dicking fast."

24 December 2012

Santa didn't have a lot of stops to make in Stoke this year because everyone was so naughty, so residents of Sneyd Green had to make do with watching overhead illegal sky races by drunken teenage aliens.

Farmhand Claims Alien Invasion

A local Stockton Brook farmboy has claimed he witnessed an alien invasion last Friday night, but critics insist it was just a meteor shower!

Terry Tucker, 23

"As I chowed down on a ploughman's in the barn, I looked up to see lights in the sky!" claims Terry Tucker, 23, father of eight. "It was the real deal and I don’t care what the townies say, I know they were them there spaceships!"

"They were definitely not spaceships, and I've got the photos and scientific data to prove it," says meteor mogul French Bunningham. "Don’t listen to what the inbred, yokel farmers say, they don't know shit and, furthermore, it's time they stopped getting subsidies for their useless land, the lazy bastards."

The UFogs

The UFogs cult, based in Barlaston, is lead by the charismatic Ferria, a former titty bar owner born in 1965 as Paul Gristle. The cult believes that it is in contact with a race of aliens called The Aubreys. The leader of the aliens, Kengo Gash-Rar, is a close personal friend of Ferria; his inter-dimensional spaceship orbits the Earth protecting the UFogs (but not the rest of the human race) from potential alien attack. When its believers die, the Aubreys will transport the UFogs to another dimension for eternal life. The UFogs believe in free love. As leader, Ferria is required to take the virginity of all female followers.



Ferria (aka: Paul Gristle)



Ferria claims that Kengo is a messiah figure who will declare his presence to the wider world when the time is right. The Aubreys come from an alternate dimension Mars, and their mother ships are shaped like chicken drumsticks. Kengo told Ferria that humans are descendants of these Martians, who came to Earth 1 million years ago on holiday and never left.

"I've Had Sex With 1,000 Aliens"

Baddeley Green resident Terry Seagull might not look like a ladykiller, yet he has had sex with over 1,000 female aliens! (Or so he claims.)

"It started the first time I was kidnapped by aliens," says the part-time 'Dr Who' fan. "They were going to probe me, and I was like, 'Why don't you let me probe you instead, if you know what I mean?' And they were like, 'OK,' so I was like, 'Let's do this thing!' I then had it off with the aliens in both positions: normal and doggy."

Terry claims he was so good that the aliens kept coming back for more. "The bitches couldn't get enough of me, they said I'm the best they'd ever had. All of them quite literally said that."

Terry doesn't have proof of any of this, but says his word should be good enough. "C'mon, it's me, El Tel, you know you can trust me. But, if you don't believe me, it's because you're a jealous slut," he says to his detractors.

UFO Found In Lake Burslem?

A group of pirates that found a strange circular object on the floor of Lake Burslem in 2011 now says they have found a second object near to the first.

Pete Firestorm, who leads the group, previously joked that the first object they found 50 feet below the surface might be an unidentified flying object. I won't repeat the joke, it's not that funny.

A recently spotted UFO in Burslem

When the object, which has a diameter of 45 feet, was first discovered in June, some thought that had crashed onto the lakefloor and left behind a path of destruction measuring some 90 feet.

The team is waiting until later in the month to further investigate their intriguing discovery.

"Right now, we know of about 20,000 objects, mostly used condoms and shipwrecks, in Lake Burslem. But I think there may be more than 100,000," fishing expert Bill Spatz told The Evening Sentinel newspaper. "I'm not sure what you will see when you go down. Aye, but I'm excited. It's going to be interesting to see what it is. Hopefully not just a bunch of used heroin needles that have got stuck together, like it usually is."

The Trentham Lines

The Trentham Lines are a series of ancient geoglyphs (designs in the ground) located in Trentham Valley, at the heart of the Trentham Desert, south of Stoke. "Trentham lines" is also a local slang phrase for cocaine.

They were designated as a 'Site of World Heritage' by Stoke City Council in 1993. Local scholars believe the lines were created by ancient Stokies between 400 and 650 AD. Many of the geoglyphs are just lines but there are also designs of monkeys, dogs and topless women.

Due to the dry, windless, and stable climate of the Trentham Desert, the lines have for the most part been preserved. Extremely rare changes in weather may temporarily alter the general designs.

A monkey design, located in the
west side of Trentham Valley

There are many different theories as to the purpose of the geoglyphs, including fertility, water-summoning, religious symbolism and alien involvement.

In a forthcoming book, local author Dave Munton suggests the Trentham Lines represent higher technological knowledge than existed when the glyphs were created. Munton asserts that the lines are runways of an ancient UFO airfield that was used by extraterrestrials. These aliens were mistaken by Stoke natives to be their gods.

RAF Trentham In UFO Gagging order

A senior military officer in Stoke has stepped into a growing row over a "gagging" order which restricts members of the armed forces from talking about UFOs with members of the public without the express permission of a government minister or a high profile right wing celebrity (such as Jeremy Clarkson), who has permission to speak on the government’s behalf.

The chief of RAF Trentham, General Barry Booth, insisted the advice was necessary, and was for reasons for national security. "This is in now way being done to cover up any secretive UFO programmes," he said. "Honest."

A UFO over Trentham

But local councillors, conspiracy theorists and UFO enthusiasts, including Paul Brown, general manager of both The Paul Brown Conspiracy Cabal and The Paul Brown UFO Club, say the RAF is trying to hide THE TRUTH. "Conspiracy theorists rely on being able to talk to people who claim to be in the military," says Brown. "We rely on these secretive people to tell us what is going on. I think these kinds of restrictions make the RAF look like a bunch of fucktarded cockpigs."

Local medium Crystal O’Future added: "This is an unwelcome change which will affect paranormal investigations of all kinds. No single government owns the RAF, it belongs to the people of this country. I didn’t die in two World Wars so the government could shit on my face like this. This seems like some sort of conspiracy. By the way, I’m talking about my past lives, just in case you’re wondering how I could have died twice before and still be alive."

In a statement to the Stoke Paranormal Society, General Booth said: "It is very important for RAF Trentham to maintain good relationships with UFO fans and conspiracy theorists, as they make up a good proportion of our local core fanbase. Along with idiot women with no imagination who like 'men in uniforms'. However, as is the case for any organisation, we are required to act in accordance with certain rules and to ensure we remain within established security guidelines. As such, the weekly Saturday night UFO theme parties we hold on our base will no longer be open to members of the public."

UFO Spotted Over Cobridge

Babs Wright was working a street corner in Cobridge last night when she saw a UFO hover overhead! She snapped the glowing red object on her smart phone as a "john" stopped his car to pick her up.

The disc-shaped UFO flashed across the sky - just as Babs was taking the picture - before it disappeared into the night at around 9pm.

Mr X, Babs's "trick" who wishes to remain anonymous, said: "I just couldn't believe what I had just seen - and, no, I'm not talking about the two prossies I'd just paid to lez off together! It must have been a UFO - and I cannot believe I am saying that because, basically, yeah, I don't believe in them usually. Basically, this was definitely not, yer know, a normal aircraft. It was red, the shape they reckon a flying saucer is, yeah, and had bright lights coming out of it."

Staffordshire Police said they have not been informed of any reports of UFO sightings in the area and wouldn't have believed them anyway, even if they had been told.

Man Taken By Aliens? In 1978?

On 16 August 1978, Carl Cox was hunting badgers in Cauldon Park. As he shot his assault rifle at a nearby badger, a most bizarre thing happened. The bullet travelled in slow motion, as if he had entered another dimension!
 

To his utter shock and amazement, he saw a humanoid entity standing nearby. The "alien" was quite tall and gangly, at over six feet in height, looking a bit like Peter Crouch. He was clad in a blue catsuit with a wide belt. A bit like the kind Peter Crouch might wear.

Standing bow-legged, the alien spoke to Cox, asking him if he was hungry. The alien threw some sweets to him, telling him if he took one, he would not have to eat for "literally ages". It was surmised that the entity was smart enough to realise that Cox may have been hungry, or else he would not have been hunting badgers.

Soon, the alien pointed toward Cox, and the next thing he knew, he was in a spaceship, with a catsuit on. Also present were two more aliens, and the five badgers he was previously stalking. The badgers were dancing to pop music. He was told that the aliens were travelling to their home planet, located some 164,003 light years away. In a flash, they arrived at the distant location.

Cox described the surrounding landscape as being occupied with large skyscrapers. The brightness of the atmosphere caused Cox's eyes to water. Cox's next remembrance was being back in Cauldon Park. He says that approximately 3 hours had elapsed since his encounter with the alien had begun.

Dare you cross the road and enter Cauldon Park?

Cox was found in a state of panic and nervous exhaustion, shouting: "They took my badgers!" He was taken for medical care to the North Staffs hospital. His blood work showed he had a highly elevated level of blood lust, probably from the sweets he had eaten.

Cox refutes the suggestion he made up the story to cover for an affair he was having at the time, later discovered by his wife. "These are two unrelated things," he said. "They are mutually exclusive." 

Staffordshire Police Ready For Alien Invasion

Police responding to possible alien attacks or invasions in Staffordshire have been kitted out with potentially life-saving equipment.

Three police response vehicles will carry a special pack designed to fight aliens. The pack contains a knife (to fight any hostile aliens), a mirror (to deflect alien ray gun blasts) and a 10p coin to use in a phone box should the Police's radio system go down. 

Officers from Staffordshire Police have been trained to use the devices. Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks is happy with how everything has gone. "Once again, Staffordshire Police has shown itself to be the best, most forward-thinking and most competent police force in the world. Fact."

The cars are based at the three most important sites in Staffordshire: Hanley, Leek and Fegg Hayes.

Danny Dyer: I Believe!

If you've seen a British film in the last 10 years that isn't a period costume drama, then you will have seen Danny Dyer. Maybe what you don't know about the omnipresent cockney hardman actor is that he believes in UFOs!

Another film, another classic

Dyer made a show ('I Believe in UFOs') for the superb BBC Three channel in 2010, encouraged by a meeting with right-wing anti-immigration campaigner and astronomer Patrick Moore, where he investigates crop circles, UFOs and cults.

Patrick Moore, yesterday

This show was part of the same series that brought us Joe Swash's ground-breaking 'I Believe in Ghosts'...

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/2011/12/joe-swash-i-believe.html

As with Joe Swash's show, the programme got what might be described as mixed reviews. Patrick West at Spiked Online bemoans Dyer's "predictable, formulaic and unrelenting music-hall Cockney patois", says that "most heterosexual men think Danny Dyer is a twat" because of "his absurd, bow-legged gait, his speech impediment and his appalling mockneyisms".

http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php/site/article/8048/

Man Sees UFO Over Hanford

Derbyshire native Bob Felcher, who now lives in Hanford, saw a UFO fly over his house on Sunday night while he was feeding his pet badgers in his back yard.

Bob Felcher (L) and best friend Mustapha (R)

"It was silver and saucer-shaped," he says. "And I saw me one of them there aliens look out the dang window. Sure was ugly. Had big eyes like yer man Chuck Norris. When it left, I prayed to almighty God that them there aliens won't be coming back. And they ain't, which proves the existence of God."

Robbie Williams: I Believe!

Pop star Robbie Williams is one of the most famous people from Stoke, probably second only to his mentor Jonathan Wilkes. What not everyone knows about Williams is that he is a big believer in UFOs and claims to have seen some himself!

You can read Jon Ronson's piece for The Guardian newspaper about "Our Robbie" and UFOs here:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/apr/19/popandrock.spaceexploration

Was Missing Film Critic Kidnapped By Aliens?

In case you don't know, Stoke's number one film critic, David Murray, is missing. It is now over a week since he was last seen, at Quasar at Festival Park in Etruria.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/local-film-critic-goes-missing.html

The angry mob looking for him resumed its search today, after taking yesterday off because of the bad weather.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/charity-single-recorded-for-missing.html

Reader Tim Beggar of Fegg Hayes was dogging on Goldenhill Golf Course last Thursday night and claims he saw a UFO in the area. "I was hanging around by some car, watching a couple do it on the back seat," explains Tim. "I was next in line. Some craft with bright lights goes overhead, I don't pay much attention to it, 'cus you get loads of rich folk in that area flying their helicopters about. Anyway, after a while, I think, 'Bleedin' hell, this helicopter's low,' and I look up and it's only a bleedin' UFO, innit. I think the dirty rotters were hangin' about watching the dogging action, if you ask me. Oh yeah, and they could've kidnapped that film critic you're lookin' for."

The 17th green at Goldenhill Golf Club

So could he have been taken by aliens? No-one could say for certain, but I would say for certain that is probable that the likelihood is that he may have been taken. Perhaps he is being anally probed as you read this, shudder the thought. Whatever happens, he remains in our thoughts. May the aliens have mercy on his soul.

Billie Fink

On 25 August 2007, 15 year old Billie Fink from Cobridge claims she was abducted by aliens, who then forced her to drink beer, smoke cigarettes and have sex with them. After returning home at 3am with no memory of the abduction and subsequent events, her mother took her to see a magician (Magic Hans) who hypnotises people as part of his act. Here is a part of the transcript of that session.

Billie: They've brung me some beer. They want me to drink it and smoke some ciggies. I do it but I tell 'em I'm not a slag.

MH: How long does this go on for?

Billie: We do it for an hour or two, I'm no lightweight, anyone who tells you that is a major mong. One alien is flying the spaceship around really fastly and has loud hip hop on his stereo. At one point a space-police spaceship followed us but we lost it.

MH: Then what happens?

Billie: One of the aliens in the back seat starts groping me off while the other starts snogging me. Then they unzip their trousers and tell me to suck 'em off.

Billie went on to describe the aliens and her getting up to all sorts of sexual activities. The magicians assistant present at the time of the hypnosis says that Billie "smelled of fags and booze". Billie says this proves her story is real.