Stokie Makes Mars Mission

Nigel Tanner from Middleport has defended NASA's forthcoming one-way mission to Mars as being vital for scientific research.

The unemployed father of seven, currently living at girlfriend's mum's council flat in Bog End Street, was chosen as one of 100 people who will be jetting off to the red planet in 10 years time to begin preparations for colonisation.

"This mission will lay the foundations for the seemingly inevitable human habitation of Mars," Tanner said. "I'm over the moon, literally, to be a part of it."

Tanner, who has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show 3 times, has been described as a layabout and scrounger by his recent ex-wife Tracy, claims that he refutes.

"Yeah I got no job, but she don't even know me," he said. "Bitch just jealous I got with her best friend, yo. And she's one to talk, she been sucking dick for crack, ai."

Treasure Island

Treasure Island is the smallest island on Benny Island, on Lake Baps, the largest lake on Benny Island. It is so called because it contains absolutely no treasure, nor has any ever been found there, even though it used to house pirates who operated on the lake. The island does contain some of the world's oldest cave paintings, though these are considered worthless.

Man Has Sex With Cars

Dave Knutts, who lives in Cobridge with his current "girlfriend" – a white Vauxhall Nova named Chantelle, has insisted that he is not "a sick little monkey" and has no desire to change his ways. 

"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall, like my hero Michael Jackson," says the salad dresser. "But when I see movies and shows like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful."

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his horniest sexual experience was "butt-fucking the shit out of" the helicopter from 1980s TV show 'Airwolf'.

"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change. Just like MJ, I am hated for loving."

He added: "There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked up and I swear it tells me to do it. Seriously."

Badger Apologises

Stoke Paranormal Society office chimney sweep Barry T. Badger has apologised after calling the organisation "filth" and advising people that investigating the paranormal is "like wanking off Satan's spiky cock".

"I am sorry I called the people who work here 'cock-juggling fucktards' and 'slack-arsed poon-dogs'," said Badger in a statement. "These people are the closest thing I have had to a family since they bought me at the orphan auction, after the tragic deaths of my parents at the hands of Scottish separatist terrorists."

The chimney sweep said he has not taken the paranormal seriously lately, instead spending much of his time taking drugs and having sex with floozies.

"I now realise that partying, taking drugs and having sex is no way to live," continued Badger. "I need to find a new direction in life."

Stoke Paranormal Society Is "Filth"

Stoke Paranormal Society employee Barry T. Badger has stunned the organisation and its fans by branding it "filth" and saying that people should not join it.

The office chimney sweep, 19, who joined the organisation as a 10 year old, made the shocking claim on a video posted on YouPorn.

Barry T. Badger, yesterday

"If you are a member of Stoke Paranormal Society then please stop," pleaded Badger in the video. "I am a member and I don't want to be. Please stop filling your head with filth."

The reaction of Badger's bosses is unknown, but managing director Monty Deschanel is reported to have "thrown a benny" when he saw the video.

"If being here is contributing to that guy down there's plan," continued Badger, pointing downwards, i.e. to hell, "Then I don't want to be here."

Stokie Shaves Tache For Movember

When Stoke man Mark Willey shaved off his moustache for Movember, he thought he was doing a good deed, but he claims that losing his hairy friend has caused a change in his personality!

James Bond

"Since I did it I now enjoy typical women's work such as cooking, knitting and wanking off strange men," says the former crazy paver. "I never did any of these things before and it is solely happening because I shaved the old boy off for charity. I'm outraged and so was my wife, before she disappeared on our recent hunting trip. May God have mercy on her soul."

Mr Willey plans on suing the Movember UK charity for £50 million.

Stoke Paranormal Society Celebrates Anniversary

Friends, and to a lesser extent enemies, you'll have to excuse the lack of posts recently, but that is because the Stoke Paranormal Society is about to turn 1200 years old and we've all been too busy celebrating to do any work!

Founded during the dark ages in 812 AD by Lady Catherine Deschanel, when Stoke was a (crucial) part of the kingdom of Mercia, the organisation was created as a secret society through which proper paranormal investigations could be made. Such scientific practises were banned at a time of religious rule, especially during the then reign of King Coenwulf of Mercia, a hardened supporter of the papacy, and probable deviant.

Over the many years since, the society has grown from strength-to-strength and now employs over 200 full time staff to investigate everything from "Bursie" (the Lake Burslem monster) to crop circles, in places as far apart as Fegg Hayes and Trentham!

As I've said, there's been lots of celebrating this grand achievement going here on at Deschanel Towers. Celebrations which have included lots of alcohol, some illegal substances, extra-marital affairs and, if the forums on MumsNet are to be believed, members of staff shitting in the middle of public playgrounds!

We hope you enjoy being a part of the Stoke Paranormal Society. Here's to the next 1200 years! *cheers*

Alternative Therapies Under Threat

A series of alternative therapy health services in North Staffordshire face being cut back or scrapped after a councillor read a Wikipedia article saying that they are unproven.

"Looking at our health budget, we spend more on alternative therapies than we do on hospitals and GPs and shit," says city councillor Bert Barcroft. "And this must change. Therapies such as 'buttock frenching', 'psychic pumping' and 'soul clamming' are not health practises recognised by the experts. As far as I am aware. Though I could be wrong, and often am."

Celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future
(real name: Bev Scaggs)

"I don't care what the so-called 'experts' reckon," says celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future. "I know better and I know that these therapies work. A chat with any of the vulnerable old ladies who pay £150 per session for my services can testify to that. TESTIFY!"

Tracy Cocking is Stoke's leading practitioner of 'hate dancing', where she gets criminals to dance the illegal tendencies right out of their body. "My work is tried and tested," she says. "Over 5% of crims who come to my studio do not get caught re-offending again within 3 weeks of seeing me. That is under threat now. It's a disgrace."

Paranormal Investigator In Wine Bottle Insertion Scandal

Local paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has hit the headlines once again after being taken to hospital with a wine bottle stuck in his anus.

The incident happened on Saturday night while Mick was watching the film 'Sliver' on Channel 4. His precise current condition is not known, but has been described as "cheeky" by nurses.

Mick Wessex

The exact circumstances that lead to the accident are currently the subject of wild speculation on MumsNet, but University Hospital of North Staffordshire spokesman Terry Bodger confirmed that the bottle has now been removed. "Fortunately, the bottle was empty and had a cocaine-laced condom on it, making it easier to extract."

Mr Wessex has only just resumed his paranormal investigations following a previous hospital stay when he fell out of a plane and landed on a prostitute, causing him serious injury. The prostitute died in the incident.

BREAKING NEWS!

It has been reported that there are several outbreaks of the T-Virus in Stoke.

 

More to follow...

Paranormal Hair (Or: Insert A Pun Related To Hair Based On The Title Of A Kiss Song Or Album Title)

They say rock 'n' roll is the devil's music, well, it seems that Kiss bass player Gene Simmons has made a pact with the devil to grow his hair back!

Pictured below on a night out with wife and late-night-Channel 5 star Shannon Tweed, you can clearly see he's as bald as a bastard.

But, by the next morning, as reader Scott Baker points out in his e-mail alerting the Stoke Paranormal Society to "the miracle of Los Angeles", his hair has grown back!

Simmons has yet to comment on his demonic hair growth. Normally though, he is quick to offer up opinions on a wide range of subjects including Islam, which he has described as a "vile culture", and women, saying that: "If you want to welcome me with open arms, I'm afraid you're also going to have to welcome me with open legs."

Baby Eats Snake, No Motive Given

Thirteen-month-old Rihanna Pleb, who has a feeble six teeth, was found chewing on the head of a 12 inch snake by her mother, who alerted her estate with her screams.

"I was squeezing her some milk out from my tit and I looked over and saw she had a snake in her mouth," said Rihanna's mother, Kylie Trunk, who lives in Brindley Ford. "I started to scream. I couldn't believe my fookin' eyes," she told the Stoke Paranormal Society. "I nearly shat myself in fright."

A typical English snake

"We rushed in and found the baby with a snake in his mouth, chewing on it like a little bastard without a care in the world. It was really scary, just horrible," the girl's aunt, Beyonce Trunk, said.

A neighbour who had rushed to see what was going on yanked the half-dead reptile out of the girl's mouth and killed it by smashing its head against a DVD box set of 'The Only Way is Essex', she said. "When he pulled it out, Rihanna started crying like a little bitch," she said. She described the snake's head as "looking like a fucked-up pork scratching" when it emerged from the girl's mouth.

Stoke Parents Win "Bursie" Name Case

A court in Fenton on Thursday rejected a prosecutors' request for a couple to be barred from naming their son "Bursie".

Prosecutors had brought Dave and Chantelle Dumptruck to court under a Stoke law that prevents parents from giving names that would be "contrary to the interests of a child".


"Bursie", yesterday

The parents, both fans of the Lake Burslem Monster ("Bursie"), had chosen to name their son, born on 14 July, after the monster. They said they simply liked the sound of the name and denied it had any monstrous connotation.

The same law had previously been used in 1999 to try to prevent parents Jon and Sharon Gash from naming their daughter "Megson", with prosecutors saying the name sounded too much like that of ridiculous football manager Gary Megson.

An appeals court in 2000 allowed the girl to keep her name.

Psychic Scholarship For Student

Staffordshire University student Vladimir Holdcroft has been awarded a grant of £6,000 by the Crystal O'Future foundation to study psychic phenomena.

Vladimir, currently awaiting the result of his BA (Hons) Accounting and Business degree course, hopes to get a PhD Research Degree for his study.

Crystal O'Future

"Vlad has got the potential to all the way in this game," said Crystal O'Future at a celebratory luncheon at ST1 in Hanley. "He's got the chops to make it big."

"I've been a fan of Crystal for years," added Mr Holdcroft. "I have a poster of her on the ceiling above my bed. Not in a weird way."

Stoke Paranomal Society Wins Shitloads Of Awards

Stoke Paranormal Society has taken home five of the top honours at the Stoke Online Paranormal Media Awards, which seek to recognise the best online paranormal news and journalism. Winners were announced last night at a ceremony held at the Britannia Stadium in front of a full house of thousands of screaming paranormal fans.

We won:

- Website of the Year

- Best Paranormal News Site

- Best Technical Innovation: for putting links to other sites on the blog

- Best Twitter Feed: Monty Deschanel

- Best Use of Social Media: for the coverage of January's siege in Shelton

The after-show party

This blog, which was named Website of the Year, was highly praised by the 20 strong judging panel with judges saying that it was "the first and the best" and that it "set the pace early on and continues to dominate the paranormal investigation field in Stoke."

Monty Deschanel's Twitter feed (@MontyDeschanel) was described as "journalism through the medium of Twitter at its best".

Dave Munton, the founder of the awards, said: "I'm delighted to see the Stoke Paranormal Society getting the recognition it deserves, as it has been a pioneer for online news over the past year and continues to strike the right balance between news, features and paranormal coverage."

The event, which attracted entries from some of Stoke's leading paranormal websites, including PPI and Stoke-Paranormal, both of whom went home empty handed, was sponsored by Munton's Pikelets.

Man Survives 3500m Fall

PI (Paranormal Investigator) Mick Wessex says he would consider free-falling again for money, despite nearly dying in his 14 July plunge to earth from 3500m above Stockton Brook.

"It was a million-to-one chance," he told the Sunday Oatcake newspaper. "It could easily happen again, I reckon. I'll continue making my living as a paranormal investigator and I'll still supplement that by taking on 'crazy' bets like this one."

Mr Wessex survived because he landed on a prostitute, breaking his fall and her neck, severing her spinal cord and starving her brain of oxygen. She died almost immediately. "I bet she quite literally didn't know what had hit her," laughed Mr Wessex, who will not be charged with her murder.

Mick Wessex

Photographs from the incident have been posted on several websites, and Mr Wessex is reported to have been offered more than £43,000 for TV rights to the video (by TV show 'Rude Tube') of the moment when he tugged the ripcord and discovered his parachute would not open. "It will be hilarious," commented 'Rude Tube' presenter Alex Zane. "The look on a man's face as he thinks his own death is imminent... Priceless."

Mick will not be entitled to any of the money however as he's a convicted felon currently doing community service.

Mr Wessex's friend Jonathan King, not the paedo, someone else with the same name who jumped from the same plane, also filmed the fall, and as he landed a few seconds later, his helmet camera showed Mr Holmes bleeding, broken and unconscious - but alive with only a punctured lung and a broken ankle.

Mr Wessex has been in University Hospital of North Staffordshire since the accident. He hopes to resume his paranormal investigations in August. Due to his past benefit frauds, he is unable to claim any benefits this time around and must pay for his hospital treatment.

Sham Solutions Ltd

Businesses across Stoke are being warned to watch out for a sham company posting invoices and demanding payment for non-existent work.

The scheme was first discovered in Stoke-upon-Trent where 72 complaints relating to a company called Sham Solutions Ltd have been lodged within three days. Now a business in Chell has also been approached by Sham Solutions Ltd asking for payment for an exorcism.

The company is also sending out deliberately misleading invoices implying that advertising on a web-based directory - www.britishtitties.co.uk - has been ordered, and seeking payment of £269.69.

Child services councillor Sharon Tuft

BNP councillor Sharon Tuft, cabinet member for child services, housing and squatting, said: "There are multiple versions of this scam known to be operating at the moment, many appearing to be based in Eastern Europe. We know what that lot over there are like, so you know not to trust them."

You should contact Stoke City Council to report anything by e-mailing enquiries@stoke.gov.uk. Your e-mail subject should read "I'VE BEEN SCAMMED", all in capitals.

Wessex vs Wessex

The father of paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has criticised his son's tax dodging and revealed how his successful son has disowned him and never repaid the money he spent funding him before he was famous.

Retired daredevil Cob Wessex has also revealed that the hostility between the two of them runs so deep that he was even banned from seeing his son performing on stage in his work as a male stripper.


Cob Wessex

"Amid the piles of 'alternative interest' magazines on my desk at home I have a copy of a note that I wrote to my son, Big Mick, in 2002," says Mr Wessex Sr. "As my son's fame and wealth were on an upward curve, although his height was still on a level curve, I urged him to ensure he got tax advice that was as tight as a virgin's twat, rather than from one of his mates down the pub who says that they 'reckon' to know what the best course of action is. In particular, I warned him to stay away from sleazy advisers and their schemes."

Alas, it appears that Mick did not take his father's advice to heart. "This week, I have watched with great sadness as my much-loved seventh oldest son was forced to issue a humiliating public apology because of his dodgy tax dealings," added Cob.

"Mick cut me out of his life many years ago. It was sudden and brutal, like when you pull a fish out of water and smash its head against a statue of Princess Diana, who, in my opinion, is the legitimate Queen of England, even in death," sobbed Cob. "To this day, Mick still hasn't given me an explanation, though I suspect that his wife leaving him for me may have had something to do with it."

Paranormal Investigator Used Tax Avoidance Scheme

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex says he has "made a terrible error of judgement" after it was discovered he has been using a tax avoidance scheme.

In a statement on his Twitter account (@BigMick69), Mr Wessex said he was no longer involved in the Derbyshire-based tax schemes, which are said to be sheltering £168m a year from Stoke City Council.

Local councillor Tim Diesel on Wednesday called Mr Wessex "a fucktarded spunk mop" and his use of the scheme "as wrong as a rapist". But councillors refused to comment on Jonathan Wilkes's tax affairs - saying he's "different" and "a legend".

Mick Wessex

On Twitter, Mr Wessex said: "I met with a financial advisor and he said to me: 'Do you want to pay less tax? It's totally legal'. I said 'Yes'. He then said: 'Do you want to keep that pen?' Again, I said 'Yes'. I now realise I've made a terrible error of judgement."

Stoke City Council says it wants to put an end to tax avoidance schemes. Next year it plans to bring in a new anti-abuse rule, to stop "cunning stunts" designed solely to avoid tax.

Wessex finished by saying: "I'm no longer involved in it and I no longer accept free pens. Apologies to everyone. Big Mick."

Remains Of St Francis Of Assisi Found In Stoke?

Stokies have uncovered new evidence that mysterious remains found in a 13th century monastery in Stoke belong to St Francis of Assisi.

The remains - small fragments of a skull, an arm and a right hand, all of which St Francis was said to have when he died - were discovered embedded in an altar in the ruins of an ancient monastery at Chops Manor, in Werrington.

Local archaeologists had found a small box made of cardboard close to the monastery sarcophagus. The box bore writing in English that referred to "Frank" and the date that Christians celebrate St Francis's death, 03 October.

What Brett Anderson of Suede
would look like bald

The right hand found is that which the saint allegedly butchered innocent women and children with when he was at war in 1201. Several other places of worship, including a Texan Orthodox community centre in Dallas, have previously claimed to have "the butcher's hand". Many sites around the world claim to hold relics of the saint, including St Chav's Cathedral in Serbia which says it has his head, wrists and penis.

Employees of Staffordshire University analysed the DNA  and counted the number of rings inside of the bones discovered at Chops Manor, before letting their dogs have them, finding that they came from a single individual, probably a man, or possibly a woman, which wouldn't rule out St Francis.

"We were surprised when the dating process we used produced this very early age," said media studies lecturer Derek Burgess, who led the study. "We had suspected that the bones may have been more recent than this, perhaps from the 1960s or 1970s. The result from the hand bone is clearly consistent with someone who lived in the 13th century AD. Whether that person is St Francis of Assisi is a question that we cannot yet definitely answer and probably never will. Though if anyone on the street were to ask me, I would say: 'Yes, it's him alright!'"

The findings of local novelist Gill Ramsbottom, using secret codes she found in religious text 'The Da Vinci Code', suggest that the monastery at Chops Manor may have received a portion of St Francis's relics in the fifteenth or early sixteenth centuries from a travelling Russian circus.

Two famous liars

St Francis, who made the history books when he became the first person ever to receive the stagmata, a record still listed in the Guiness Book of World Records to this very day, was a noted liar and fantasist who believed himself to be a Christ figure for his age. He also made up many stories about his own greatness including visitations from angels, conversing with wolves and converting prominent Muslims on their deathbeds, all without a single shred of evidence. He was pronounced a saint by Pope Gregory IX in 1228, 2 years after his death.