Wessex/Trial: Week Five

A tearful Mick Wessex took the stand at the start of the week and apologised to the victim's family and said that he wished he'd never fired the gun because of all the trouble it had caused for him.

Mick continued by saying that he won't touch guns again for a while, at least not until he's been found not guilty at the end of the trial. He said he had recently expanded his posse to include some people who are "handy" with guns.

Mick said that him and victim Ms Dynamite had hit it off straight away, and had sex for the first seven days after they met, which included "at least six blowies, three handies and a couple of goes on her arse".

Mick was asked about his slow response to the shooting when it came to calling the police. He said he didn't trust them. "I've been stung by tha filth once too often to go crying to them like a little bitch at the first sign of trouble," he explained.

The prosecutor finished the week by asserting that Mick knew the victim was not a ghost when he shot her. "Bullshit," replied Mick. "Liar," replied the prosecutor. "Bullshit," Mick replied again. "Liar," the prosecutor said again. This continued for about an hour then the Judge called an end to the week's proceedings.

The trial continues tomorrow.

The Trial Of Wessex: Week Four

The first witness of the week was neighbour Jane Janowski. As a local busybody, she said she regularly uses binoculaurs to spy on neighbours and could see Mick taking showers if she gets her angles right. She said she heard loud music on the night of the shooting. Songs she could remember included 'Love Shack' by B-52's, 'Sacrifice' by Elton John and 'Ride on Time' by Black Box. She heard a woman screaming after the first shot was fired, though this may have been from 'Ride on Time' rather than the victim.

Phone expert Nigel Garrage was next. He went through all the information from victim Sharon Dynamite's iPhone, including anything that had been deleted. Mr Garrage revealed that Ms Dynamite was an avid player of Candy Crush Saga, to which someone in the crowd shouted, "It's not a proper game!" Barristers asked Judge Reinholder to remove this comment from the records, but the Judge refused. "He's right, it's not a proper game," he said.

Texts by the victim read out included "Sometimes im scared of u wen u beeng a twat" and "U owe me for that morning after pill m8".

The prosecution then rested their case. The defence then asked for a week's break from the trial as Mick had booked a holiday that morning in what was described as a "cracking deal". The judge checked the court schedule then agreed as he wanted to buy some tickets to see Kylie Minogue in concert. The trial recommences a week on Monday.

Wessex On Trial: Week Three

The week began with the prosecution listing all the weapons found at Mick's house. These included the gun used in the shooting (a Colt 45-70 Peacemaker), a Famas assault rifle with ACOG scope, grenade launcher and suppressor attachments, a Remington 870 shotgun, a machete, a plank with rusty nails in it, a cricket bat with a knife taped to the end of it (which Mick says was used to mark his place at a cricket crease) and a snooker-ball-in-a-sock.

Police photographer Bob Biggins took to the stand and faced questions from Mick's barrister about the crime scene and asked whether it had been interfered with. Photos referenced included a blood pool with a smiley face drawn in it and several penises drawn on the wall in blood, some of which had spunk lines squirting out of them.

Ballistics expert Sharon Tugball was the next witness, and she said that Mick was not standing on stilts at the time his girlfriend was shot, contrary to reports. The first bullet fired hit Ms Dynamite on her thigh tattoo of a bow and the second bullet missed her but bounced back of some handcuffs locked to a radiator pipe and hit Ms Dynamite on the tramp stamp on her lower back. The final two bullets went into her head.

The final witness of the week was computer nerd Jack Funkpig who said that before the killing Mick had been on his iPad looking at websites such as a "prison bitch name generator", his own personal website, Facebook, The Daily Mail online and several porn sites.

The trial continues next week.

The Wessex Trial: Week Two

Vomit was the word of the second sensational week in court as Stoke's biggest ever trial moved forward with fans not short of highlights.

It started on Monday when the defendant Mick Wessex started vomiting when bloody photographs of the victim, Ms Dynamite were shown in court. After questions from the judge, Mr Wessex explained that he'd been out binge drinking the night before and was feeling slightly worse for wear. "And photographs like that don't help any," he added.

Later in the week, police photographs of a naked Mick, standing in his conservatory, and covered in blood, were shown. This prompted vomiting from three of the jurors, only one of whom had been out binge drinking the night before.

Mr Wessex denies murder and says: "The only thing I'm guilty of is loving too much. And being a great shag."

The trial continues next week.

The Trial Of The Century Begins

Mick Wessex

The trial of Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's most famous paranormal investigators, for murdering his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite, began this week to wild celebrations.

"Stoke hasn't seen a trial this big perhaps ever," says legal expert Rob Patchwork. "The celebrations are justified, this is the cup final of criminal trials."

Large crowds gathered outside Fenton Magistrates Court on Monday morning ahead of the start of the trial, leading to presiding Judge Reinholder to demand clerks screen the trial on giant screens for those who couldn't get in. The area quickly became known as "Henmurder Hill".

Mr Wessex denied premeditated murder and said that he shot his girlfriend by mistake, thinking she was a ghost as her cocaine covered body was glowing under the UV lights he had on.

Early prosecution witness Kenny Bates said he found Mr Wessex leaning over Ms Dynamite's dead body, singing 'Candle In The Wind' by Elton John, the more recent version about Princess Diana, not the original one about Marilyn Monroe.

Further witnesses also claimed to have heard regular shouting and arguing at Mr Wessex's house between the couple, though Mick's barrister said this was just normal dirty talk during sex that all couples partake in.

Legal teams for both the defence and prosecution are hosting their own podcasts during the trial so fans can keep abreast of the latest news. Special celebrity guests are promised.

The trial continues next week.

Paranormal Investigator Granted Bail

Mick Wessex was granted bail at Fenton Magistrates Court today. Bail was set at £100 and Mr Wessex was ordered to hand over his passport and the spare gun he keeps strapped to his thigh.

Mr Wessex earlier denied the charge of premeditated murder saying that he shot and killed his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite by mistake thinking she was a ghost.

"There's a lot of ghosts out there who would love a go at me, so I always keep a specially adapted gun featuring sandpaper covered bullets at my bedside just in case," explained Mr Wessex.

The terms of the bail mean that he cannot leave Stoke, fire a gun or unsheathe a sword in public.

Wessex Arrives At Court For Bail Hearing

Paranormal Investigator Mick Wessex has arrived at Fenton Magistrates Court at the start of his bail hearing.

Seemingly in high spirits, Mr Wessex signed autographs for court staff and the judge before taking his seat in a specially adapted throne brought in for him by his defence lawyers from Andrew, Derek, Terrence and Pegg Associates.

When asked how he responded to the charge of murder for the shooting of his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite, he responded: "I call bullshit on this charge and demand to be found not guilty and released. Immediately."

Following an overlong lunch break, the hearing was not completed and will continue tomorrow.

Stoke Stunned By Wessex Murder Charge

Most Stokies are still in a state of shock following the shooting of Sharon Dynamite by paranormal investigator Mick Wessex, which Staffordshire Police will try to prosecute as premeditated murder.

While there has been some sympathy for Ms Dynamite, a double amputee who once competed in the Paralongton Games, the majority of Stokies have been rallying behind the paranormal investigator charged with her murder.

"I can't and won't believe it," says Mick Wessex fan Jody Finch from Fenton. "This is clearly a put-up job by the pigs."

Social network Twitter has seen yet more support for Wessex. Trends have included #FreeTheTrenthamOne, #Minnocent and #Innossex.

Previous Incidents At Wessex Home, Say Police

A Staffordshire Police source has told the Stoke Paranormal Society that they have been called out to his home, a mock Tudor mansion in Trentham, on numerous occasions leading up to the shooting of his girlfriend.

"The first time, a gunshot was reported by a neighbour," says PC Barry Shanks, who wishes to remain anonymous. "We arrived to find Mr Wessex and his girlfriend drunk, trying to shoot oatcakes off each other's heads. Technically, this is not a crime so there was nothing we could do."

"The second time, an intruder was reported at the property," continues PC Shanks. "We smashed our way into the property to find Mr Wessex doing Ms Dynamite, not the rapper, but his girlfriend of the same surname, up the arse. They just stared at us and carried on. It was a bit weird so we left. We think they're the ones who made the call."

"On the third occasion, we got a call for domestic violence. We turned up to see them smacking the shit out of each other. We let them finish then gave them a ticking off. It was fifty-fifty in my eyes."

Paranormal Investigator "Shoots Girlfriend Dead"

One of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators, Mick Wessex, has been arrested over the fatal shooting of his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite.

Staffordshire Police would not confirm that it was Wessex who has been charged with the murder, but did confirm that it was a "man short on stature from the paranormal world" who they have arrested.

Mick Wessex, pre-murder

The details of the shooting are unclear, but initial reports suggest Mr Wessex may have mistaken his girlfriend for a ghost and tried to shoot it.

The suspect is due to appear at Fenton Magistrates Court next week where he will have a chance to "call bullshit" on the allegations and apply for bail.

Paranormal Investigator Sex Tape Shame

Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's most famous paranormal investigators, has been forced to apologise after sex tapes featuring him were leaked on the internet.

The 42 minute video has proved a hit with porn fans but comes just days after the investigator was announced as the public face of Mothercare in Hanley.

The video features three scenes. The first shows Mick and three other paranormal investigators innocently roasting two fangirls after the recent Packmoor GhostCon in a beige hotel room.

The second scene features Mick and a tall blonde glamour model. They engage in rough anal sex before Mick gives the woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, or until she is able to sell her story to a tabloid newspaper, a "dirty sanchez".

The final scene features Mick getting penetrated from behind by a chubby brunette woman with a strap-on. Mick is heard yelling "Fuck me like I'm your bitch," and later asks for her to spit in his mouth as he masturbates to climax.

Local film critic David Murray enjoyed the video but has reservations. "There seems to be little in the way of plot or character development, but the performances are solid. I see this film as a satire of the current Conservative-Lib Dem coalition, starting off in a party mood but quickly degrading into ever more desperate acts for satisfaction. It's good but not a classic."

PI Falls Out Of Hospital Window

One of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators, Mick Wessex, has fallen out of a hospital window while he was mooning a group of nurses who were outside treating an old woman and an orphan child who had crashed into each other.

Mr Wessex, who was in hospital for a severe head trauma suffered when a gargoyle fell onto his head, was said to be recovering well from his injuries when the incident occurred.

"He was wobbling his naked arse at us when he lost his balance and fell down," said nurse Tracy Cauliflower. "He fell down with his trousers still around his ankles. He was writhing around on the floor with his junk shaking right at us."

Fortunately, the pensioner, who was old and would have died soon anyway, broke Mick's fall and he suffered only cracked ribs and bruised buttocks in the accident as she valiantly gave up her life for the benefit of others. "It's what the old woman would have wanted," said Mick's agent.

Paranormal Investigator Hit By Falling Gargoyle

International media outlets based in Stoke are reporting that Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators and Jeremy Kyle historians, has been hospitalised after a gargoyle fell off a building and onto his head.

The accident happened during the filming of a pilot episode of a new web series, 'Stoke Haunted', as Mick investigated a supposedly haunted building that was once leased by darts legend "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

Mick Wessex,
before the accident

When Taylor leased the shop, which he called 'Power Sports' and sold sports trophies and memorabilia, it only stayed open for business for about 3 months. Taylor cited the haunting as the main reason for the shop's failure, ahead of the poor out-of-town location and over-estimation of the Stoke public's desire for signed Ricky Hatton boxing gloves and Ted Hankey neckerchiefs.

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks has confirmed that Mr Wessex has been arrested in and chained to his hospital bed on suspicion of the destruction of private or public property. This comes after leaked footage appeared to show that the investigator was trying to shake the building with his bare hands just before the gargoyle fell off.

The National Trust have also confirmed that they plan on suing Mr Wessex as the concrete winged creature was a Grade A listed gargoyle with a street value in excess of £5 million.

PETA Attack Paranormal Investigator

Animal rights activists from PETA have attacked paranormal investigator Mick Wessex after he wore a fur outfit to the opening of a new exhibition at the Potteries Museum and Art Gallery in Hanley.

The activists doused Mick in animal blood and shit as he sauntered into the venue wearing a custom made squirrel fur catsuit and ratskin leather boots and cowboy hat.

Mick Wessex

"They just ran up and doused the little fella with gallons of the stuff," said onlooker Road Kenilworth. "It was humiliating, but funny at the same time, as these things often are."

"I think I got a few punches in on a couple of 'em," squealed Mick to journalists as he was dragged away from the ensuing brawl by police. "I REGRET NOTHING!" he shouted as the police car sped away.

Mick Wessex: My Drug Hell

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has issued an apology to fans after being arrested for possession of cocaine.

Mick was enjoying a night out with friends at ST1 in Hanley when a fight broke out with dancers in the VIP section. Police discovered the drugs in Mick's pants after a strip search in the car park.

"I'm sorry that I got caught packing gak," the renowned investigator told MumsNet. "I've let down my fans, especially the kids who look up to me. My Momma is gonna kill me."

Wessex said he got the cocaine from a "council estate chav" who gave him the drugs as he recognised him from local media outlets. He says he may have had "a cheeky snort" but "didn't inhale".

Wessex courted controversy with drugs earlier in his career, when he was known as the "rock 'n' roll paranormal investigator". He once declared in an interview in GQ magazine that taking drugs was "as common in Stoke as eating muffins" and that "doing speed sharpens the investigation senses".

Staffordshire Police will take no further action against Mick after the cocaine disappeared from its evidence locker. "Someone may have taken it out to have a look at and forgotten to put it back," said police spokesman Barry Shanks.

Paranormal Investigator In Wine Bottle Insertion Scandal

Local paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has hit the headlines once again after being taken to hospital with a wine bottle stuck in his anus.

The incident happened on Saturday night while Mick was watching the film 'Sliver' on Channel 4. His precise current condition is not known, but has been described as "cheeky" by nurses.

Mick Wessex

The exact circumstances that lead to the accident are currently the subject of wild speculation on MumsNet, but University Hospital of North Staffordshire spokesman Terry Bodger confirmed that the bottle has now been removed. "Fortunately, the bottle was empty and had a cocaine-laced condom on it, making it easier to extract."

Mr Wessex has only just resumed his paranormal investigations following a previous hospital stay when he fell out of a plane and landed on a prostitute, causing him serious injury. The prostitute died in the incident.

Man Survives 3500m Fall

PI (Paranormal Investigator) Mick Wessex says he would consider free-falling again for money, despite nearly dying in his 14 July plunge to earth from 3500m above Stockton Brook.

"It was a million-to-one chance," he told the Sunday Oatcake newspaper. "It could easily happen again, I reckon. I'll continue making my living as a paranormal investigator and I'll still supplement that by taking on 'crazy' bets like this one."

Mr Wessex survived because he landed on a prostitute, breaking his fall and her neck, severing her spinal cord and starving her brain of oxygen. She died almost immediately. "I bet she quite literally didn't know what had hit her," laughed Mr Wessex, who will not be charged with her murder.

Mick Wessex

Photographs from the incident have been posted on several websites, and Mr Wessex is reported to have been offered more than £43,000 for TV rights to the video (by TV show 'Rude Tube') of the moment when he tugged the ripcord and discovered his parachute would not open. "It will be hilarious," commented 'Rude Tube' presenter Alex Zane. "The look on a man's face as he thinks his own death is imminent... Priceless."

Mick will not be entitled to any of the money however as he's a convicted felon currently doing community service.

Mr Wessex's friend Jonathan King, not the paedo, someone else with the same name who jumped from the same plane, also filmed the fall, and as he landed a few seconds later, his helmet camera showed Mr Holmes bleeding, broken and unconscious - but alive with only a punctured lung and a broken ankle.

Mr Wessex has been in University Hospital of North Staffordshire since the accident. He hopes to resume his paranormal investigations in August. Due to his past benefit frauds, he is unable to claim any benefits this time around and must pay for his hospital treatment.

Wessex vs Wessex

The father of paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has criticised his son's tax dodging and revealed how his successful son has disowned him and never repaid the money he spent funding him before he was famous.

Retired daredevil Cob Wessex has also revealed that the hostility between the two of them runs so deep that he was even banned from seeing his son performing on stage in his work as a male stripper.


Cob Wessex

"Amid the piles of 'alternative interest' magazines on my desk at home I have a copy of a note that I wrote to my son, Big Mick, in 2002," says Mr Wessex Sr. "As my son's fame and wealth were on an upward curve, although his height was still on a level curve, I urged him to ensure he got tax advice that was as tight as a virgin's twat, rather than from one of his mates down the pub who says that they 'reckon' to know what the best course of action is. In particular, I warned him to stay away from sleazy advisers and their schemes."

Alas, it appears that Mick did not take his father's advice to heart. "This week, I have watched with great sadness as my much-loved seventh oldest son was forced to issue a humiliating public apology because of his dodgy tax dealings," added Cob.

"Mick cut me out of his life many years ago. It was sudden and brutal, like when you pull a fish out of water and smash its head against a statue of Princess Diana, who, in my opinion, is the legitimate Queen of England, even in death," sobbed Cob. "To this day, Mick still hasn't given me an explanation, though I suspect that his wife leaving him for me may have had something to do with it."

Paranormal Investigator Used Tax Avoidance Scheme

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex says he has "made a terrible error of judgement" after it was discovered he has been using a tax avoidance scheme.

In a statement on his Twitter account (@BigMick69), Mr Wessex said he was no longer involved in the Derbyshire-based tax schemes, which are said to be sheltering £168m a year from Stoke City Council.

Local councillor Tim Diesel on Wednesday called Mr Wessex "a fucktarded spunk mop" and his use of the scheme "as wrong as a rapist". But councillors refused to comment on Jonathan Wilkes's tax affairs - saying he's "different" and "a legend".

Mick Wessex

On Twitter, Mr Wessex said: "I met with a financial advisor and he said to me: 'Do you want to pay less tax? It's totally legal'. I said 'Yes'. He then said: 'Do you want to keep that pen?' Again, I said 'Yes'. I now realise I've made a terrible error of judgement."

Stoke City Council says it wants to put an end to tax avoidance schemes. Next year it plans to bring in a new anti-abuse rule, to stop "cunning stunts" designed solely to avoid tax.

Wessex finished by saying: "I'm no longer involved in it and I no longer accept free pens. Apologies to everyone. Big Mick."

Paranormal Investigator In Benefit Fraud

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex swindled £147,500 by fraudulently claiming benefits on his Stoke-on-Trent home – while he was working as a private paranormal investigator in the nearby Staffordshire Moorlands town of Leek!

The dwarf pleaded guilty to three counts of failing to notify the authorities about changes to his working status at Fenton Magistrates Court yesterday. Prosecutor Pete Krabbs said: "The amount of money involved is £147,500, which might not be much to the hoity-toity people of Leek, but in Stoke, you could quite literally buy a castle with that many clams."

Mick Wessex

Stoke City Council is taking steps to recover that by taking weekly deductions from Mr Wessex's benefits. Mr Wessex was in receipt of pension credits, disability living allowance, council tax, housing benefit, income support and jobseeker’s allowance. £1 will be deducted each week until the £147,500 is paid in full.

The court heard Mr Wessex suffers with back pain caused by an assault outside of The Ca$hino at Festival Park, and he hoped the warmer climate of Leek could help alleviate the condition.

He was sentenced to serve one week on death row at HMP Werrington to be followed by 100 hours of community service. He must also pay £10 towards prosecution costs at a rate of £0.50 per week.