BREAKING NEWS: Cult Erupts Around Storm Ophelia's Red Sun

Stoke has its newest cult: The Ophelians!

Formed off the back of today's red sun, caused by Storm Ophelia blowing north African sands into the sky giving a red hue to the fiery star, and giving Stoke a yellowy glow, The Ophelians! (with exclamation mark) formed on the M6 next to a massive pile-up of crashed cars and dead bodies.

"As soon as I saw her, I knew it was a message from Ophelia, and that I was to be her prophet on Earth," cult leader Tonk Matthews said at an impromptu press conference. "We will be holding our first orgy tonight."

Prophet Matthews denies taking advantage of people suffering from shock at seeing the pile-up. "Those acolytes were stunned by Ophelia's beauty and were willing converts," he replied. "I vetted them all personally in the back of my transit van to make sure."

Satan Worshippers In Longton

Reader Fenchurch Goggles has e-mailed in using the pseudonym "Monkey D. Luffy" to warn of Satan worshippers on Rape Road in South Longton.

"Don't use my real name, but my neighbours Gill and Fred have recently turned to the dark side. My pet goats are worried - Monkey D. Luffy," read Mr Goggles's e-mail.

Fenchurch has been trying to raise an angry mob to attack the house, so far without success. If you would like to join the mob, leave a comment below with your name and phone number.

What Would Crouchy Do?

Stoke mistress Cadge Foxhunt has claimed to have had a visit from religious veteran Jesus Christ.

"It was awesome, like something from a pop music video," says Cadge, 40. "Jesus put his strong, hairy arm around me and told me how sexy I was. It really made my day."

And who does a wise man like Jesus look to for guidance?

"He wore a wristband that said 'What Would Crouchy Do?' on it," says Cadge. "It's really opened my eyes and I went out and bought a Stoke City season ticket, which are still on sale now for a great price. Premier League football at Championship prices. Diamond."

Did Jesus Visit Stoke?

Mormon history experts have got Stokies excited after they announced that Jesus may have stopped off in Stoke on his way to America.

"We all know that Jesus went to America in his latter years, that much is fact," says Mormon spokesman Ken Thong. "And we believe he may have spent a night in Stoke on his way to one of the northern ports that would have taken him to the US."

Mormons deny that they have made this story up, and similar ones for every town in the world, just to get good publicity for the church in the wake of Mormon-mocking musical 'The Book of Mormon'.

"Tish and fipsy," says Mr Thong. "This could quite literally be true."

World Didn't End Then

Stokies have been celebrating all day after it was revealed by inside sources that the world didn't end yesterday as planned.

"This is great news," said local business leader Dave Munton at a celebratory rave in Hanley. "I'm gonna get some pussy tonight to celebrate."

Bullshit

Mexican cult the Mayans had predicted the world's end, much to the amusement of local apocalypse experts.

"This shows that all them foreign cults are just bullshitters," said local cult leader Fred Gash. "Bullshitters, I say. We predict that the world will actually end in 2014, and everything is still on track for that to happen."

Mayor Who Refused To Judge Halloween Contest Gets Sacked

Derek Pegg, the mayor of Brindley Ford, and his councillor wife Tracy have been sacked after they turned down an invitation to judge a costume contest at a Halloween event due to their religious beliefs.

They were asked to go to Brindley Ford City Hall (incorporating the Brindley Ford Opera House) for the afternoon event but decided against it after consulting fellow members at their cult.

Mayor Pegg, who is in his 80s, said he did not think young people should take part in Halloween because it glamourises evil. "It glorifies Satan and celebrates the dark side," he said. "Halloween is a pagan festival. I don't think it's appropriate to involve youngsters in this sort of thing."

Mayor Pegg, who is a member of cult The Brindley Ford Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which believes in aliens and group orgies, was removed from his post by an angry mob.

The UFogs

The UFogs cult, based in Barlaston, is lead by the charismatic Ferria, a former titty bar owner born in 1965 as Paul Gristle. The cult believes that it is in contact with a race of aliens called The Aubreys. The leader of the aliens, Kengo Gash-Rar, is a close personal friend of Ferria; his inter-dimensional spaceship orbits the Earth protecting the UFogs (but not the rest of the human race) from potential alien attack. When its believers die, the Aubreys will transport the UFogs to another dimension for eternal life. The UFogs believe in free love. As leader, Ferria is required to take the virginity of all female followers.



Ferria (aka: Paul Gristle)



Ferria claims that Kengo is a messiah figure who will declare his presence to the wider world when the time is right. The Aubreys come from an alternate dimension Mars, and their mother ships are shaped like chicken drumsticks. Kengo told Ferria that humans are descendants of these Martians, who came to Earth 1 million years ago on holiday and never left.

Scientology Is "Weird", Says Rival Cult

The Church of Scientology is "made up of nutters" and its beliefs are "as bent as a bag of broken bollocks", says The Supreme Master, leader of Stoke cult The Master's Race.

In a frank interview on Signal Gold's Paranormal Night radio show, interspersed with hits from the 70s, The Supreme Master lambasted the American cult's recent attempts to break into the Stoke market. "Get back to your own end," he said, while holding up a picture of America to a webcam.

"They're little more than a bunch of weird, asexual freaks," continued The Supreme Master, following the playing of a track by Black Country rockers Slade. "Tom Cruise and his bald mates can suck my balls and go to hell. Not literally. Apart from the hell bit."

The Church of Scientology has yet to respond, but if it does, it will probably involve sending some of their stormtroopers to follow people around with cameras.

The Tears Of God

The Tears of God was a UFO cult based in Stallington from 1974 until 1996. The cult ended after a group suicide bid in 1996 when the Hans Gruber Comet appeared in the Earth’s skies for the first time since 1067.

The main belief of the cult was that the Earth was a giant tear on God's face. To survive, it would be necessary to get off the tear before God wipes his eyes, originally scheduled to happen in the year 2012. The only way to escape was via a UFO or a passing comet. Furthermore, all members of the cult had to change their names to Bob (if male) or Mary (if female).

The cult was started in the early 1970s by Bob and Mary South. Bob had been in hospital for a routine hair transplant operation, when a freak power cut (caused by a magician's dove mistakenly flying into a hospital generator during a show in the children's ward) caused him to have a heart attack and near death experience. In his vision, Jesus, Vishnu, Moses and Jimi Hendrix told him that he and his bed-bath nurse (Mary Farbstein) were the chosen ones to lead mankind to freedom.

The couple married and started the cult in an abandoned rubber nipple factory. The Souths started to kidnap young people in the hope of brainwashing them to stay, with mixed results. Many of the young males were forcibly castrated, in the hope they would be too embarrassed to leave, and that they would be able to sing castrato in their amateur operatic productions.

Some rubber nipples

The cult was a world leader in spying on its members, to the extent that many budding cult leaders spent time with the Souths to learn from them. Listening devices were in every room of the compound, as well as up chimneys, in cars, roller-skates and even in the compound’s bouncy castle. The group were also one of the first to raise money through webcam sex shows in the 1990s, in which cult members were required to perform.

Eventually, Bob South discovered that the Hans Gruber Comet was near to the Earth. He called everyone together for a party, where the drinks were spiked with poison and razor blades. South planned on everyone's spirits leaving their bodies and getting on to the Comet. Nineteen of the cult's twenty members died. It is not known whether their spirits reached the Comet. The only survivor was retired accountant Colin Chuffs. "I only joined the cult for the sex," said Chuffs when interviewed by Sue Barker for BBC Television. "I wasn't ready to die," he added. "I'm not a spaz or a mong or nuffin'."

South left a note saying that the group was now going to explore another level of existence, one that would be ethereal, spiritual and sexual. Brown paper bags were placed over the heads of the ugliest members of the group, who were all found lying in their camp beds wearing identical 'Frankie Says Relax' t-shirts. All of the female group members were discovered to have had breast augmentations.

Chuffs lectures on his experiences in the cult across the world. He hopes to start his own cult soon. "I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be based on aliens and sex," explained Colin. "That's where the action is."

Coffee Morning Raises Money For Local Cult

Local cult "The Visitors" organised a coffee and makeover morning on Saturday to raise money to build an expansion to their compound in Trentham.

Trinity House, named after cult leader Victor Trinity, opened its doors and invited locals to enjoy a head massage designed to stop aliens from reading their thoughts or planting hateful messages in their brains. Guests warmed up with hot beverages in Victor Cafe, followed by a massage or a manicure.

The event was organised to raise funds for the cult's 2012 appeal, which focuses on building a new barn and improved weapons storage locker.

Local business supported the event, including Jerry's Sweet Treats, Booze Heaven and Coca Cola. Claire Trinity, fundraiser for The Visitors said: "We had a small army of volunteers helping with coffees, massages and cupcakes. It was great to see the community supporting their local cult. The children had a good time with face-painting and lots of mums enjoyed a bit of pampering - all while helping to raise several hundred pounds for us. We also hope to have got some new recruits. And as we're a registered charity, it's all tax free."

The cult turns 51 years old this year and receives only a third of its funding from the government, the rest coming from private donations and fund-raising.

Voodoo In Stoke

Voodoo is perhaps the most mysterious of all mainstream religions. It can also be a very powerful force. It is believed by some that Voodoo can even be used to kill enemies and to resurrect dead believers in a zombified state!

Many slaves brought to Stoke in the 1700s were Voodoo worshippers. However, in Stoke, they found they were at the forefront of a backlash against Voodoo by the Catholic Church. Catholic slave-owners were encouraged by church leaders to convert their slaves "with lethal force".

However, Voodoo High Priest Eric Djemba-Germain roused his followers in Stoke. Several high profile Catholics died under mysterious circumstances around this time, the most bizarre being a priest who was found dead while having sex with a scarecrow. The Voodoo Church claimed responsibility. The Catholic Church called an uneasy truce.

Some Catholics

Catholic priests continued to speak against Voodoo from the pulpits but did not actively campaign against their rival religion until 1796 when an impatient bishop, Padraig McCock, began to organise anti-voodoo rallies and beatings. In 1800, the Catholic Church launched a violent campaign of renunciation directed at Voodoo followers. The priests went about their attacks with such a blood-thirst that the English government was forced to intercede and command them to cease and desist.

Despite the persecution, the Voodoo faith was continued in secret, particularly in Hanley's French Quarter. Over time it even adopted some aspects of the Catholic religion, as descendants of the original believers spread throughout across the world. The beliefs of European workers mixed with Voodoo practices of slaves was soon created in Stoke with its fertile blend of immigrant cultures.

Dave Munton, who has investigated
Voodoo practises

Today, it is believed that 10% of Stoke citizens, mainly people who live in the French Quarter in Hanley, practise Voodoo.

There is still a great deal of mystery and fear attached to Voodoo rituals. At a Voodoo ceremony, there is normally a feast (consisting of traditional Stoke foods such as oatcakes, pikelets and chips), worshipping, dancing and chanting. Normally an animal such as a chicken, goat, sheep or wolf is sacrificed and their blood is collected. This is used to sate the hunger of the angry gods.

Also well known are Voodoo dolls and Voodoo curses. Local entrepreneur and romantic swashbuckler Dave Munton spent several years collecting examples of "Voodoo death", instances in which men and women died as a result of being the recipient of a curse, an alleged supernatural visitation, or the breaking of some tribal or cultural taboo.

Voodoo black magic is performed by priests who place curses, and stick pins in Voodoo dolls to cause people pain and suffering. However, this use of Voodoo is now performed mainly for tourists, and the faith is promoted by its followers as being a wonderful way to understand the human condition and the world around us.

It is estimated there are now more than 60 million people who practice Voodoo worldwide, largely where people from Africa, Haiti and Stoke have settled.

The Voodoo Church in Stoke also operates celebrity centres for its many high profile followers. Members of the public are not banned from the centres but are encouraged not to attend and bother the important people. The centres were established in 1954 to attract celebrities, artists, politicians and captains of industry to attend. Church leaders believe that Voodoo speaks to celebrities and high profile people better than other religions. "It's like this: Voodoo suits celebrity personalities," explains High Priestess LaDonna Brubaker. "People who have money and fame need spiritual validation and guidance, which we can offer. Plus, we only take 7.5% of their earnings compared to the 10% most other religions want from celebrities."

Danny Dyer: I Believe!

If you've seen a British film in the last 10 years that isn't a period costume drama, then you will have seen Danny Dyer. Maybe what you don't know about the omnipresent cockney hardman actor is that he believes in UFOs!

Another film, another classic

Dyer made a show ('I Believe in UFOs') for the superb BBC Three channel in 2010, encouraged by a meeting with right-wing anti-immigration campaigner and astronomer Patrick Moore, where he investigates crop circles, UFOs and cults.

Patrick Moore, yesterday

This show was part of the same series that brought us Joe Swash's ground-breaking 'I Believe in Ghosts'...

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/2011/12/joe-swash-i-believe.html

As with Joe Swash's show, the programme got what might be described as mixed reviews. Patrick West at Spiked Online bemoans Dyer's "predictable, formulaic and unrelenting music-hall Cockney patois", says that "most heterosexual men think Danny Dyer is a twat" because of "his absurd, bow-legged gait, his speech impediment and his appalling mockneyisms".

http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php/site/article/8048/

Stoke Cult Gets Academy Status

Hanford-based cult The Children of Gaia has learned today that it has gained academy status, the first cult in Stoke to do so.

It’s a big relief for followers of the cult, as most recently they had to start a 'Save Our Cult' campaign as it was under threat of closure due to a large tax bill.

The cult received a letter this morning from Michael Gove's Department of Education approving the application put in by the cult's  governing council over the summer holidays.

Michael Gove, yesterday

Mistress Coitus, cult leader,  said: "We will now stay open. It's very good news for everybody. We told our followers this morning and we're sending a letter out to people in the local community and our enemies on the morrow."

The conversion can take place any time in the next four to six months ready for the new school year in September.

"Lot of hard work begins today," Mistress Coitus continued, "We need to research and evaluate which is the best way forward now – do we become self-governing or join an existing academy group like the NEAB? The curriculum itself will be based on Gaia's teaching, but all are welcome to attend. The day-to-day won't change – it will be the same cult, beliefs and worship. There's a possibility of a new uniform. I'm into black leather right now."

As the Children of Gaia has achieved academy status, its tax debt will now be written off.

The Franciscans

Pete Clark was playing frolf [frisbee golf] in the Barlaston Desert in 1968 when he claimed to have made contact with a UFO. He says that he was lining up a tricky shot around a cactus when he started receiving telepathic messages of advice form a nearby UFO, which also happened to be invisible to all human eyes except his own.

Returning home to Boothen, Clark changed his name to Janey Lee Franciscus, in honour of the name of the alien with whom he had been in contact. In 1969, the newly renamed Janey Lee moved to the northern edge of the Barlaston Desert and opened a diner. He lived on a commune in Meir Heath, working as a sex observer when not at the diner.

In 1972, he opened a vegetarian restaurant at the entrance to the commune. His increasing influence at the commune was completed when he was elected leader of the group. He moved the compound to Barlaston and renamed the group The Franciscans. He then wrote a combined gospel and cook book: 'How To Get To Heaven: Religiously and Foodly'.

Franciscus ran for Mayor of Stoke in 2002, challenging favourite Mike Wolfe for the title! Franciscus's first pledge was that, during his first term in office, he would spend the city's entire transport budget to make Stoke a major player in the space race. The public vote for Mayor was close, but Wolfe won by 7 votes to 6.

Paris Hilton meets some of her fans

Increasingly disillusioned with life in Stoke, Franciscus moved the world headquarters of the church to California in 2004, where he enjoyed a brief relationship with heiress Paris Hilton.

The Stokelantians

The Stokelantians is a cult founded in Goldenhill in the early 1990s by Weiss Uberman. The group believe (and distribute pamphlets claiming) that the original inhabitants of Stoke came from Atlantis; before Atlantis, they were from a galaxy called Powerion. The Powerions derive their power from the energy of the White Sun.

They teach that since the Stoke race has a divine mission to dominate all the other races on Earth as it is of extraterrestrial origin. It is believed by followers that a space fleet is on its way to Earth from Powerion Alpha, which will join forces with them to rule over the Earth.

The Stokelantians were one of the first cults to harness the seductive power of the internet. Uberman, voted Penkhull Bachelor Of The Year in 1986, used the website to post messages from aliens, many of whom wish him and the Stokelantians well in their quest to rule over the Universe, starting with Earth.

Weiss takes a dip in Lake Burslem

In the late 1990s, Uberman claimed that a giant meteorite, known around the universe as Kwanza’s Comet, was heading towards the Earth. The comet would hit the Earth in June 2002, affect the magnetic poles, displace the Earth’s crust and kill most of humanity. This would be similar to a biblical Armageddon. "The fact that it is of extraterrestrial origin proves I’m right and all other religions are wrong," wrote Uberman in his blog.

In July 2002, Uberman claimed that he had helped divert the disaster. "With my help, my alien friends have been able to keep back the comet. I can’t now tell you when it will hit Earth as this will give THE MAN the opportunity to enforce martial law."

The group has been accused of white supremacy, but their leader, Weiss Uberman, refutes this. "The Swastika is actually an ancient Powerion symbol for good luck. There is no racist connotation to it. In fact, there is no racism at all in the Powerion galaxy, as everyone is the same colour. White."