Man From The Past Misses Pulis

A mysterious man who travelled through time from the past to present day Stoke has said that his biggest regret is not waving goodbye to Tony Pulis when he left Stoke City.

Dave Monkey claims he is from January 2013, and that he transported to the present day via a time portal in Sneyd Green.

"If I'd known TP was going to leave Stoke I would have travelled back in time to when he first took charge so that I could enjoy him for longer," Monkey said.

"We were dubious at first, but he does know a lot about the time he comes from," scientist Larry Candles said. "He knows all the words to 'Call Me Maybe'."

Man Creates Sentient Robot, Won't Let Anyone See It

Local inventor Gam Beatles, from Sneyd Green, has invented the world's first truly sentient robot capable of experiencing human emotions, but it has started to suffer from anxiety and doesn't want to be seen by anybody else, or so Gam claims.

"Terry, as he's called, started off right as rain, but the more he learned about humanity and the world today, the more stressed he has become," Gam explained. "He can't really leave the house right now. Bringing the mood of the place right down. I might have to start claiming benefits for him."

"This is an incredible scientific breakthrough, perhaps the greatest of them all," Professor Dave Stevens of Staffordshire University's Ethics and Celebrities Division commented. "The issues raised by this are literally infinite and the inventor must carry a heavy weight on his shoulders having to deal with this."

"To be honest, I made him mainly so that he could pick out the winners of the horse races for me," Gam added. "Since I met my missus I don't have that much time to get down the bookies like I used to so I thought I'd make a robot to do it for me. Hasn't really gone to plan."

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part I)

This time of year is always a busy one for UFO spotters, as many aliens head home for the holidays, often too drunk to worry about covering their flight paths from prying human eyes.

19 December 2012

Burglar Ken Toxic was shimmying up a drainpipe at a legally undisclosable location in Bentilee (his ex-wife's house) when he witnessed a flying saucer go overhead. "It was saucer-shaped and it was flying," said the common thief. "And I couldn't identify what it was. I don't know if there's a name for such a thing, but that's what I saw," added the self-confessed fan of Tina from 'Corrie'.

21 December 2012

Jobless Reg Milker was returning to his home in Tunstall home from a late night drinking sesh, when he looked up at the sky while urinating into a postbox to see three spaceships flying in formation northwards. "I don’t know where they're going," said Reg, who prefers Maria to Tina in 'Corrie'. "But they were sure in a hurry, they were going dicking fast."

24 December 2012

Santa didn't have a lot of stops to make in Stoke this year because everyone was so naughty, so residents of Sneyd Green had to make do with watching overhead illegal sky races by drunken teenage aliens.

"Sneyd Green Steve" Charity Gets Government Grant

A charity which searches for evidence of Sneyd Green Steve is to expand its services after receiving a £300,000 boost from tax payers.

The centre, which is about to celebrate its 35th birthday, caters for fans of the legendary swamp monster as well as offering support to some of the people most vulnerable to an attack by Steve.

The windfall will go towards expanding its services and will pay for two full-time explorers, two part-time hunters, administrative support and advertising.

"The money will allow us to do more work with victims of the monster," says centre manager Derek Farscape. "We will also train unemployed youngsters to be proficient with weapons with the aim that they may one day take down the beast, all with help from the government's New Deal scheme."

The charity beat other good causes to the money, including hospices and orphanages. They will now have to make redundancies and reduce services to make up up for their funding shortfall.

Crop Circle In Sneyd Green!

A crop circle has appeared at a farm in Sneyd Green. Farm-owner Barry Burgess has set up a booth and is charging an entrance fee for people to view the circle. He has so far collected about £35,000. The value of the dandelion and burdock crop he had been harvesting was about £1,200.

Barry always rides bareback

A warning if you go to see the crop circle: farmer Barry is a "committed naturist" and doesn't keep his pants on "under any circumstances".

Friday The 13th

Friday the 13^th is a day of mystique, superstitions and bad luck! It has also been estimated that around £250 million is lost from the Stoke economy every Friday the 13^th because people can’t be bothered to turn up to work on those days! (Or the Jobcentre.)

It is thought the rumours of bad luck were started by snooty (15-a-aside) Rugby Union fans, who wanted to denigrate the working class fans of (13-a-side) Rugby League, so they put the word out onto the street that 13 was an unlucky number, a belief many people have latched onto down the years.

One, two, Freddy's coming for you

Famous superstitions of Friday the 13^th

Being born on Friday the 13^th means you will be ugly and have bad luck for life! Celebrities born on Friday the 13^th include the Olsen twins and Fidel Castro.

Do not cut your hair into a "bob" cut, or else your children will quite literally die of embarrassment!

If you kill someone on Friday the 13^th, then you will die tomorrow!

Hovercrafts should not be launched or they will sink forever!

Do not consult a medium or you'll be possessed by the devil!

Your superstition e-mails

Mikey Bigglesworth, Chell: "I'm not risking it, so I'm staying in bed all day, drinking and wanking."

Clive Power, Sneyd Green: "If I go to the petrol station, I will spit on every other car there and key them too if I get the chance."

Colin Phile, Birches Head: "I blame the Disney bigwigs, religious maniacs and Eurocrats for this, most superstitions were for good luck before they got involved."

Crop Circles

The phenomenon of crop circles became widely known in Stoke in the late 1980s, after media reports of crop circles in Baddeley Green. To date, approximately 1000 crop circles have been discovered across Stoke, mainly along the eastern side of the city.

After publicity in the media, crop circle activity skyrockets. Each new design seems to be more complex than earlier ones. Today, crop circle designs have increased in complexity to the point where they have become an art form. Crop circle hoaxer Mike Parson, in an interview with Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Crop Circles Foundation), spoke about this change in crop circle designs.

"I am rather envious of circle-makers in other counties. Expectations about the size and complexity of formations that appear in Stoke are now very high, whereas the rather shabby looking Derbyshire crop circles made the national news. Even Wade Saggory, deputy general of Derbyshire County Council, was on the news banging on about it; 'There is no doubt that it was not man made... an unknown object definitely landed there.' If the same formation appeared in Stoke it would undoubtedly be virtually ignored by researchers and the media alike."

Most people in Stoke believe the circles are messages from alien life forms. Most scientists dispute this, claiming there is no evidence of alien involvement. The fact that many crop circles appear near to Stokehenge or the city’s stargates is what leads many to believe they are extraterrestrial in origin. Many hippies believe crop circles give off sexual energy, which is why you often see copulation at crop circle locations. Some people even claim to have seen UFOs or lights in the sky near to crop circle locations.

Among crop circle supporters was singer Michael Jackson who, prior to his death, argued that some circles displayed a level of weird that even he could barely comprehend it, let alone produce one in a field after dark with the help of a large group of children. Even Hispanic children, his favourite type, and the most hard-working.

The earliest recorded image claimed to be a crop circle is depicted in a 17th century Stoke pottery work called the Doulton Devil. The image shows the Devil cutting a phallic design in a field of nettles with a big sword. The pamphlet that comes with the pottery states that the farmer, disgusted at the high price of African slaves, insisted that he would rather make a deal with the Devil to complete the work than pay for the slaves.

Typical crop circle pattern

In 1976 one of the most famous accounts of UFO-related circles happened in Sneyd Green. A dandelion farmer said he witnessed a saucer-shaped craft rise 40 or 50 feet up from the swamp and then fly away. When he went to investigate the location where he thought the saucer had landed, he found the reeds had melted then solidified into a round tartan pattern on top of the water. The reeds could hold the weight of 10 dwarves.

Some farmers and land-owners have expressed concern at the damage caused to their land and crops by crop circles, although local response to the appearance of a crop circle can often be enthusiastic, with locals taking advantage of the tourist potential of circles. Past ventures have included bus or helicopter tours of circle sites, walking tours, t-shirts and porngraphic movies. Potential markets include scientists and crop circle researchers, individuals seeking a spiritual experience by praying to and communing with spirits, curious tourists and perverts.

Sneyd Green Steve

The Beast of Sneyd Green is a legend about an enormous swamp monster, nicknamed Steve, who first terrorized the citizens of Sneyd Green in 1949. Despite a month–long hunt that briefly gained international attention, the Beast was not captured.

Steve is described as a lizard man, who stands between 8 and 10 feet tall, with skanky green skin and either yellow or red glowing eyes, depending on the account. It is believed by some that the monster could be a mutated lizard.

Steve caught on film in 1988

Another theory is that a local scientist may have gotten mutated by exposure to chemicals and/or the swamp. However, the bodies of all of the 173 scientists from Stoke who disappeared during that period have since been found. None of them appeared mutated. A final theory is that the DNA of a human was somehow merged with that of a lizard. Whichever of the theories is true, it appears that the city's scientists have got a lot to answer for!

In 1949, a farmer, Paul Potts, noticed that some of his foxes had gone missing. Believing the disappearances to be caused by local yokels, he paid little attention to it other than to make sure his fences were secure. After a few months, larger and larger livestock were disappearing, even a hippo in one instance; all the disappearances occurred near Sneyd Green Swamp, which neighboured his property.

One day, he saw a colossal swamp monster, estimated at 10 feet in height, sunbathing on the swamp-side beach. Terrified, he called the police. When they arrived - two days later - the giant monster remained there, still topping up its tan. A plan was devised to capture the beast with chains pulled by local rag-and-bone men; when initiated, beast and man were evenly matched, but the chains broke and ‘Steve’ escaped.

The monster wasn’t seen again until 1963. Local paedophile Nigel Hicks was using his telescope to look at the playground near the western side of the swamp when he claims he saw two swamp monsters. “They were either fighting or making love,” said Hicks, 50. “Either way, it weren’t pretty.” The monsters were then shot six times by a passing angry loner who happened to be carrying a gun; the wounded monsters hastily retreated back into the swamp. Meanwhile, the angry loner (Timmy Spooner) was hailed as a local hero for saving the children! That was until the following year, when he went on a killing spree at a Mothercare store in Hanley.

Another notable incident happened in 1986. A Spastics Society coach party was returning to Milton from a trip to the cinema in Hanley to see ‘The Care Bears Movie’. The bus driver stopped at the southern edge of the swamp to allow the passengers to take a toilet break. As they urinated into the swamp, a monster rose up and pulled them in! “The spastics didn’t stand a chance,” said bus driver Barry Walker. “It was never a fair contest.” No trace of the monster or spastics has been found.

The Beast has also had an influence on wider popular culture. The song ‘Lizard Man Steve Ate My Monkey’ from the 1985 Status Quo album “Oops-a-Doodle-Dandy” is about the monster.

The monster's memory lives on in the Sneyd Green Steve Day festival held each June.

A reveller at Sneyd Green Steve Day

It includes a parade, carnival and tug-of-war free-for-alls. A bronze statue of the Beast was erected in 1999 in the town's trendy uptown area.