The Tears Of God

The Tears of God was a UFO cult based in Stallington from 1974 until 1996. The cult ended after a group suicide bid in 1996 when the Hans Gruber Comet appeared in the Earth’s skies for the first time since 1067.

The main belief of the cult was that the Earth was a giant tear on God's face. To survive, it would be necessary to get off the tear before God wipes his eyes, originally scheduled to happen in the year 2012. The only way to escape was via a UFO or a passing comet. Furthermore, all members of the cult had to change their names to Bob (if male) or Mary (if female).

The cult was started in the early 1970s by Bob and Mary South. Bob had been in hospital for a routine hair transplant operation, when a freak power cut (caused by a magician's dove mistakenly flying into a hospital generator during a show in the children's ward) caused him to have a heart attack and near death experience. In his vision, Jesus, Vishnu, Moses and Jimi Hendrix told him that he and his bed-bath nurse (Mary Farbstein) were the chosen ones to lead mankind to freedom.

The couple married and started the cult in an abandoned rubber nipple factory. The Souths started to kidnap young people in the hope of brainwashing them to stay, with mixed results. Many of the young males were forcibly castrated, in the hope they would be too embarrassed to leave, and that they would be able to sing castrato in their amateur operatic productions.

Some rubber nipples

The cult was a world leader in spying on its members, to the extent that many budding cult leaders spent time with the Souths to learn from them. Listening devices were in every room of the compound, as well as up chimneys, in cars, roller-skates and even in the compound’s bouncy castle. The group were also one of the first to raise money through webcam sex shows in the 1990s, in which cult members were required to perform.

Eventually, Bob South discovered that the Hans Gruber Comet was near to the Earth. He called everyone together for a party, where the drinks were spiked with poison and razor blades. South planned on everyone's spirits leaving their bodies and getting on to the Comet. Nineteen of the cult's twenty members died. It is not known whether their spirits reached the Comet. The only survivor was retired accountant Colin Chuffs. "I only joined the cult for the sex," said Chuffs when interviewed by Sue Barker for BBC Television. "I wasn't ready to die," he added. "I'm not a spaz or a mong or nuffin'."

South left a note saying that the group was now going to explore another level of existence, one that would be ethereal, spiritual and sexual. Brown paper bags were placed over the heads of the ugliest members of the group, who were all found lying in their camp beds wearing identical 'Frankie Says Relax' t-shirts. All of the female group members were discovered to have had breast augmentations.

Chuffs lectures on his experiences in the cult across the world. He hopes to start his own cult soon. "I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be based on aliens and sex," explained Colin. "That's where the action is."