Man Gets Driving Ban For Protecting Children From Monsters

A Stokie has been punished after he was caught travelling with four children in the boot of his car. He said he did it to keep them safe from any potential monsters, including the Fegg Hayes Yeti.

Staffordshire Police found a total of 11 people in Barry Chomp's Vauxhall Nova when they stopped him in Fegg Hayes last year. One passenger was in the driver's seat, three adults and two children were squeezed into the back, and officers discovered four more children in the boot.

A recent picture of the Fegg Hayes Yeti

Chomp was convicted of endangering his passengers and of driving without licence or insurance earlier this week at Fenton Magistrates Court. He also was fined £5.50 and banned from driving illegally.

Chomp plans to appeal the decision.

Mewtwo Spotted In Fegg Hayes

Several reports have come in of (a) Mewtwo being spotted in northern Stoke.

"He mumbled something about getting revenge on humanity or something," Bev Biggs, one of the witnesses said. "Seemed a bit nuts to be honest."

"He was wandering around looking lost," Gary Gobbler added. "I could have taken it if I wanted to."

Evil Cat Alert

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout for an evil cat in Hanford.

"I saw it last night from my bedroom window, on top of my shed," Jane Cookies said. "It looked up at me then did a shit."

"I came home to see the cat pissing on my sofa," reported Mary Muggins. "It was looking at me as it did it, the bastard."

The cat is described as being black with evil eyes.

On The (Grave) Rob

Staffordshire Police have confirmed that they are investigating a spate of grave robberies across the city which have involved the theft of several dead bodies.

"We're at a loss as to why this is happening," said police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "We've literally got no idea. Why anybody would want a dead body is beyond me. Unless it's for deviant purposes, then it would make sense, in a funny kind of way."

Man To Create "Frankenstein" Monster For Charity

Trent Vale caretaker Jim Bonkers has decided to take on an ambitious project for charity: he is going to create a monster from dead body parts!

"The idea struck me when I was watching 'Hollyoaks' one day," said the 55-year-old. "I wondered what would happen if I mixed together my favourite parts from my favourite actresses on the show to create one perfect super hot slut. I thought it sounded good."

Mr Bonkers has not disclosed where he will get the body parts from. "Seems legit though," he explained.

All money raised will go to the Help For Heroes charity. "I see all the coverage they get in the media so I know it must all be good work that's above board," says Jim.

Donations can be made by going to the Just Giving website and searching for "Bonkers monster".

Mr Bonkers hopes to unveil the monster before the end of the year. "Once I've got the body parts, I will have to set about re-animating my monster. This could take days if not weeks of research. I'll then need to train the monster for polite society. This will be my biggest challenge," he explains.

Bursie Spotted By Liars

The Lake Burslem Monster (aka: "Bursie") has been spotted for only the third time this year by a group of liars who were converting base metals into gold by the side of the lake.

The group, lead by current Mr Universe Terry Fenton, from Fenton, say they saw Bursie resting near Phil Taylor Bay, where the beast was reading a book and listening to jazz music.

After befriending the monster, the liars say that Bursie told them all to put on their water skis as he was going to drag them across the lake, which the monster then did, true to his word. This continued for some time but ended when Bursie had to leave for a prior appointment.

"I understand that people may not believe what we say because we are a group of liars," said Mr Fenton, 50. "But I can assure you that all of this really happened."

Man Builds Exact Replica Of Stoke On 'SimCity', Gets Destroyed By Bowser

Self-described "Stoke layabout" Gil Gerard has spent the last 15 years of his life playing the game 'SimCity 2000' on his Super Nintendo, recreating Stoke to the smallest detail... only to see it destroyed in a matter of hours by a rampaging Bowser!

"I'm pretty gutted, to be honest," said a forlorn Gil. "I feel like my life's work has been for nothing."

"I don't think that this means that an attack will definitely happen," said environmental analyst Cob Juicer. "But, SimCity 2000 is a very intelligent simulator and if it says Bowser will attack Stoke, we should at least be on the lookout."

Stoke City Council have described the chances of Stoke being destroyed by Bowser as "minimal".

Trentzilla

The "Trentzilla" is a giant snake or serpent-like monster purported to live in the River Trent. It is reported to be green and/or white, snake-like, around 10-12 metres long and at least a metre in diameter.

First sighted in 1876, various theories have been put forward to try to classify the creature, ranging from a hoax or drunken tom-foolery to the suggestion that the creature is a surviving species of dinosaur or that it is a previously undiscovered species of long necked seal. In the absence of a carcass or a living specimen, identity explanations depend only on eyewitness accounts and low-quality photographs.

The monster was most famously spotted in the River Trent on the outskirts of Etruria in 1906 by tag-team wrestling duo Barry & Terry Dynamite. The two witnesses claim to have seen a long figure with stumpy horns and warts on its long neck, catching an opium pipe in its mouth when they kicked it at the monster.

Trentzilla?

In 1976, "Kelly S" sent two photographs, apparently of Trentzilla, to the Stoke Daily Gargoyle, along with a covering letter. She wrote: "It looked like an elephant trunk, but the trunk was more like a long neck with a small head at the end, like a snake's head. It had humps on its back and it moved in a sexual way. It frightened me. I would not like to see it any closer. I do not like the way it moved when swimming." Neither Kelly S nor the negatives have ever been traced. Noted local mystery writers (and key cutters) Dave and Jenny Binky have examined the copy prints, and conclude that "these photographs could well be genuine… either that, or they are fake."

Trentzilla is also the inspiration behind the 1977 horror novel 'The Trentzilla Wakes!', by local writer Phil Skank, set in a futuristic Stoke where the Trentzilla starts to destroy boats travelling on the River Trent.

Cynics have claimed that Trentzilla is nothing more than a bunch of old heroin needles and condoms that have gotten stuck together. This would be consistent with the contents of the River Trent but doesn't explain some of the sightings.

Stoke Parents Win "Bursie" Name Case

A court in Fenton on Thursday rejected a prosecutors' request for a couple to be barred from naming their son "Bursie".

Prosecutors had brought Dave and Chantelle Dumptruck to court under a Stoke law that prevents parents from giving names that would be "contrary to the interests of a child".


"Bursie", yesterday

The parents, both fans of the Lake Burslem Monster ("Bursie"), had chosen to name their son, born on 14 July, after the monster. They said they simply liked the sound of the name and denied it had any monstrous connotation.

The same law had previously been used in 1999 to try to prevent parents Jon and Sharon Gash from naming their daughter "Megson", with prosecutors saying the name sounded too much like that of ridiculous football manager Gary Megson.

An appeals court in 2000 allowed the girl to keep her name.

The Beast Of Norton

The latest tales of a big cat said to be roaming around Norton have prompted yet more people to come forward.

This week, a reader who wishes to remain anonymous, but I will tell you that his e-mail address is davesmith@hotmail.com, reveals the moment he believes he saw the mystery big cat in Norton, known as the 'Beast of Norton le Moors'. "A couple of weeks ago I paid a visit to a friend of mine who was dogging at the old haunted gold mine. At the swan pond I could see something in the reeds drinking from the water. I stood and watched for a couple of minutes what I'm 100 per cent sure was a panther as it licked its own balls. It then walked across the bank and disappeared through the bushes and out of sight into the adjoining olive grove. I pulled my pants up but didn't have time to take a photo. In no way could this have been a dog of any sort. Unless you can get dogs that look like cats. And it couldn't have been a human person dressed like a cat because humans can't lick their balls as easily as what I saw this cat do with unholy relish."

Marlene Cabbage owns the old abandoned gold mine, she said: "I think it's unlikely that there could be a big cat in the area as I have never seen anything. We do have a black Alsatian which likes to lick its own balls – it may have been that which was seen."

El Chellacabra

You will all have seen the news stories lately about the creature(s) terrorising northern Stoke, in particular the stories of it killing animals and draining their blood, but what exactly do we know about the creature responsible: El Chellacabra?

The creature was first spotted in Chell by Jason Butters in the summer of 1994, at the start of the Britpop craze that swept through Stoke (and the rest of England) in the mid-1990s. Much like Britpop, people praised El Chellacabra for being an exciting new British monster with British ideals, unlike the dour, grungy American monsters popular earlier in the decade.

But Butters's story was criticised by some, as the monster he described seemed to have a lot in common with Minilla, the son of Godzilla, on TV on a regular basis at that time as Channel 4 regularly showed the Godzilla films at weekends. Some even claimed he had mixed fantasy with reality and thought that the Godzilla films were real!

Other people came forward with sightings of Chellacabras though. The creatures are reported by eyewitnesses as being about 4 feet in height and as lookingreptilian, with green scaly skin and spines running down its back. They often seem to have some dog-like features as well, such as a snout. (Some people say they look like a cross between a Godzilla and a dog!) They have been reported as some as hopping like a kangaroo, and have large vampiric fangs, which they use to drain the blood of their victims! Fortunately for us humans, Chellacabras do not attack or drink the blood of humans, and is only interested in the blood of animals.

So if you see a creature that looks like the (relatively small) offspring of a Godzilla and a dog, make sure your animals are safe! Keep your pet dogs indoors and your badgers in their hutches! El Chellacabra cares not for animal types as long as it can satiate its own massive blood lust! You have been warned!

Lake Burslem Monster: Investigation Bureau

The Lake Burslem Investigation Bureau (LBIB) was set up in 1959 to act as a research organisation for information about the great beast. The LBIB established camera stations with both still and video cameras with telephoto lenses. They had burger vans around the lake which also served as mobile camera stations, and underwater listening devices attached to old boots and fridges that had been thrown in the lake. Searches were conducted using hot-air balloons (manned by orphans), small submarines (manned by circus midgets) and sonar scanners attached to crabs. A great deal of information was discovered about the lake, especially about crabs, but they have yet to produce any concrete evidence of a monster.

In the early 1970s, a group led by American DeWayne Boxcar obtained some underwater photographs that vaguely resembled a flipper. The underwater photos were obtained by painstakingly scouring the lake’s depths with sonar-enabled crabs, over the course of days, for unusual underwater activity. An underwater camera was then stapled onto a fish (fitted with a light necessary for penetrating Lake Burslem’s famously murky water) to record images from below the surface. Some of the resulting photographs seem to show a creature resembling a plesiosaur in various positions and lightings.

Bursie's flipper?

On the basis of this photograph, Sir Giles Gallywag, one of Britain's best-known naturalists and fox-hunters, announced in 1973 that the scientific name of the monster would henceforth be Burslemas Veritas. This would enable Bursie to be added to a British register of officially protected wildlife.

Lake Burslem Monster: Case Histories

Down the years, there have been many hundreds of sightings of the Lake Burslem Monster. Here is a selection of some of the most significant.

06 August 1968

During Stoke's "Summer Of Love", a year later than everyone else's, Dr Doomsday (real name: Mick Beanstalk) and his “family” [cult] from Kent watched what they described as the head of a large animal move through the lake in the early evening. The family, who worship aliens and believe in free love, were sunbathing on top of their Love Bus. They described the head as larger than that of an alien. Regular visitors to the area, the family were convinced it was not a boat wake or wave movement that they had seen.

25 March 1973

American Buck Rockhauser was shooting fish from his boat on the lake one afternoon when he says that Bursie lifted her tail out of the water and knocked him overboard. “Instead of panicking, I swam to shore then started shooting at Bursie instead of the fish. I think I got it at least once,” he explained.

Artist's impression of Bursie

30 July 1977

Sharon Bender, a retired wife from Hanley, was fly-tipping some old fish into Lake Burslem when she got a big surprise: Bursie popped her head out of the water to see what she was doing! Sharon immediately turned and ran back to her car, before driving to a local newspaper to sell her story.

06 May 1986

Paul “Coops” Cooper from Norton was taking a series of pictures of his penis near to the Spitfire Caverns, on the eastern side of the lake. When he got home and developed the pictures, he was surprised to see Bursie’s head and neck coming out of the water behind him!

10 January 1993

Local gymnastics enthusiast Dave Knight saw a six foot long creature leave the lake, look around, then perform a dance similar to the one Genesis did in their 'I Can’t Dance' music video, before re-entering the lake. This happened for about 2-3 minutes close to Cheg's Castle early in the morning. Knight, who recently beat up a tramp, readily admits he was drunk at the time of the sighting, but hopes people will still believe his story anyway.

09 June 1997

A retired Mariner (Captain Jeff Buckles) was in charge of a booze cruise just south of Phil Taylor Bay when they were overtaken by an unknown object which was between them and the west shore. Unlike anything any of the sober people on the boat had seen before, the sighting lasted for just over a minute with whatever it was only disappearing as they moved the boat towards it. Captain Buckles, who once dated TV personality Liza Tarbuck, said that there was no rational explanation for what they had seen. Apart from the existence of Bursie that is!

22 November 2001

For the first time since the assassination of JFK in 1963, Bursie was spotted out of the water on the shores of Lake Burslem by Spanish tourist Pedro Navaz. The Spaniard, who has since been imprisoned in Italy for conspiracy to linger with intent, claimed the unique sighting took place in the early evening on the beach between Robbie Williams Point and Phil Taylor Bay. Bursie, described as being between 10-15 metres in length with a long neck, scurried off into the water as Navaz approached with a big sword.

17 July 2005

Russ Abbott, yesterday

Famous 1980s comedian Russ Abbott took pictures of a wake moving against the current from his balcony at the Boslem Hotel during the mid-afternoon. It was around midday when the former funny man, touring the Midlands with Geoffrey Durham (aka: The Great Soprendo) in a production of ‘Porgy and Bess’, spotted what he first thought to be a dead black midget’s body floating on the surface of the lake. It appeared to be about three feet long and one foot tall at its highest point. The object then moved against the wave formation in the area creating a wake as it did so. Abbott, famous for his TV Madhouse, saw some kind of water disturbance about three feet behind the black coloured object, which appeared to rise slightly out of the water before submerging. An experienced whale hunter, Abbott said that he had never before seen anything like it. Whether Russ threw a party after his encounter, a party with a happy atmosphere, and attended by Les Dennis and Bella Emberg, is unknown.

15 September 2006
Bill Wilkes, owner of the Lake Burslem Caravan Park, took five pictures of what he described as a 4 feet high head and neck while he was dogging at a car park by the Lake. He said he saw a long neck come out of the water and had time to return to his caravan, get his camera, and return to take the pictures. Previously a non-believer, he said that the creature could only have been Bursie and that he would now devote himself to proving Bursie’s existence to the detriment of everything else in his life, especially his marriage to wife Sue, aged 50.

25 July 2008

Spotted on a Lake Burslem webcam, regular Bursie watcher Chip Steele spotted something come out of the water and disappear a few minutes later. Steele, an American Gladiator (stage name: Thrush), doesn’t believe that Bursie is evil. “I can’t imagine him using his power for bad,” he says.

Lake Burslem Monster: The History

The Lake Burslem Monster, sometimes called “Bursie” or “Bossie” is a creature reported to live in Lake Burslem. Burslem is located south of the mountainous Fegg Hayes area and north of the Forested area of Central Forest Park. Lake Burslem is around 12 miles long and 1 mile wide, and is more than 1000 feet deep and ice free.

The western edge of Lake Burslem

Bursie is one of the best-known mysteries in the world, though most mainstream scientists regard Bursie reports as hoaxes or misidentification of mundane creatures.

Some local researchers, included noted psychic Crystal O’Future and Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Bossie Foundation) postulate that there are no anomalous physical creatures within the lake. These researchers argue that many of the reported sightings must be attributed to hoaxes or misidentification of conventional creatures and objects because of the absence of physical evidence.

Most accounts of Bursie describe a creature resembling the long-extinct plesiosaur. Fossils of this creature show that it had a long neck, small head and flippers; most of the Bursie witnesses describe something similar. A gaping red mouth and horns or antennae on the top of the creature's head is often mentioned by witnesses. Bursie’s movements have been studied, and the films and photos analysed to determine what Bursie might be, if she exists. But some other sightings describe Bursie differently.

Theories as to the exact nature of the Lake Burslem Monster sightings are varied: misidentification of seals, fish, logs, mirages and light distortion, crossing of boat wakes, or unusual wave patterns. Very large octopus have also been found in Lake Burslem, and due to octopus’s size and unusual appearance, one could easily be mistaken for a monster by someone not familiar with it. Local paranormal expert and pikelet impresario Dave Munton argues that only a small residue of reported lake sightings could be paranormal or supernatural in nature. Munton, who has a conviction for sexual fraud, believes Bursie is a pan-dimensional time-traveller, here to warn us against the dangers of pollution, global warming and other similar issues. He does not give a reason why he believes that.

Some sheep near to Lake Burslem

Carvings have been found in caves near to the lake, believed to have been made almost 2000 years ago by the ancient inhabitants of Burslem. These carvings show an aquatic beast eating nudists who dared to venture too close to the lake. The earliest recorded literary reference is a diary by Italian Monk St Kevin of Palermo, who claimed in 532 AD that he fought off the monster when it attacked the naked young boys who were accompanying him on a journey. Critics have questioned the reliability of the source, noting a different story in which St Kevin slays a wild dragon by the power of his penis. They also point out that, according to his diaries, St Kevin encounters and conquers assorted monsters at various places in Europe throughout his life, always defeating them, often with the power of his penis or testicles. Additionally, it has been pointed out that the Lake Burslem Monster has few other reported instance of attacking anyone, and in fact is generally portrayed as shy and people-avoidant.

In around 1912, a new road was built on the northern shore of the lake, originally designed to allow tourists to access the Fegg Hayes Mountain Range. This new road provided easy access to unobstructed views of the water. Bursie sightings increased immediately and began to draw international attention.

The first modern sighting occurred in January 1913. The Daily Oatcake newspaper carried a story of Paul Sifter, who reportedly saw a massive monster thrashing about on the surface. The report of the "MONSTER!" (a headline chosen by the editor) became a media sensation with newspapers in London, who sent reporters and an elephant circus to Stoke, and offered a reward of 25 pounds for the capture and killing of the monster. In June that year, Phil Mycock claimed to have witnessed Bursie. Mycock, who would go on to die during World War I fighting for Bulgaria, described the creature as having its head set low in the water and opening and closing its mouth as if it was smoking an invisible cigar.

Sneyd Green Steve

The Beast of Sneyd Green is a legend about an enormous swamp monster, nicknamed Steve, who first terrorized the citizens of Sneyd Green in 1949. Despite a month–long hunt that briefly gained international attention, the Beast was not captured.

Steve is described as a lizard man, who stands between 8 and 10 feet tall, with skanky green skin and either yellow or red glowing eyes, depending on the account. It is believed by some that the monster could be a mutated lizard.

Steve caught on film in 1988

Another theory is that a local scientist may have gotten mutated by exposure to chemicals and/or the swamp. However, the bodies of all of the 173 scientists from Stoke who disappeared during that period have since been found. None of them appeared mutated. A final theory is that the DNA of a human was somehow merged with that of a lizard. Whichever of the theories is true, it appears that the city's scientists have got a lot to answer for!

In 1949, a farmer, Paul Potts, noticed that some of his foxes had gone missing. Believing the disappearances to be caused by local yokels, he paid little attention to it other than to make sure his fences were secure. After a few months, larger and larger livestock were disappearing, even a hippo in one instance; all the disappearances occurred near Sneyd Green Swamp, which neighboured his property.

One day, he saw a colossal swamp monster, estimated at 10 feet in height, sunbathing on the swamp-side beach. Terrified, he called the police. When they arrived - two days later - the giant monster remained there, still topping up its tan. A plan was devised to capture the beast with chains pulled by local rag-and-bone men; when initiated, beast and man were evenly matched, but the chains broke and ‘Steve’ escaped.

The monster wasn’t seen again until 1963. Local paedophile Nigel Hicks was using his telescope to look at the playground near the western side of the swamp when he claims he saw two swamp monsters. “They were either fighting or making love,” said Hicks, 50. “Either way, it weren’t pretty.” The monsters were then shot six times by a passing angry loner who happened to be carrying a gun; the wounded monsters hastily retreated back into the swamp. Meanwhile, the angry loner (Timmy Spooner) was hailed as a local hero for saving the children! That was until the following year, when he went on a killing spree at a Mothercare store in Hanley.

Another notable incident happened in 1986. A Spastics Society coach party was returning to Milton from a trip to the cinema in Hanley to see ‘The Care Bears Movie’. The bus driver stopped at the southern edge of the swamp to allow the passengers to take a toilet break. As they urinated into the swamp, a monster rose up and pulled them in! “The spastics didn’t stand a chance,” said bus driver Barry Walker. “It was never a fair contest.” No trace of the monster or spastics has been found.

The Beast has also had an influence on wider popular culture. The song ‘Lizard Man Steve Ate My Monkey’ from the 1985 Status Quo album “Oops-a-Doodle-Dandy” is about the monster.

The monster's memory lives on in the Sneyd Green Steve Day festival held each June.

A reveller at Sneyd Green Steve Day

It includes a parade, carnival and tug-of-war free-for-alls. A bronze statue of the Beast was erected in 1999 in the town's trendy uptown area.