Jesus Statue Weeps Beer

A statue of Jesus eating an oatcake in Tunstall has become a pilgrimage for Christians after it began weeping beer.

"It's truly an Easter miracle," Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Burslem said. "Proof that Jesus is real and has answered our prayers."

Located at the centre of Tunstall town plaza, the statue was built in 1789 to represent oatcakes as the chosen food of God. It started weeping beer yesterday morning, Easter Sunday.

"I see it as a gift from the Easter Badger himself," drinker Steve Dave said. "He always looks after us."

Springtime For Bursie

John Ambulance from Tunstall has become the winner of a cheque for £3,000 and a years supply of pikelets (courtesy of The Dave Munton Foundation and Munton's Pikelets) after being the first person to report seeing the Lake Burslem Monster, aka "Bursie", this springtime.

Running naked along the lake's shore after losing a bet, John jumped over a tramp's dead body then landed awkwardly and fell in the lake. John looked up to see Bursie staring at him.

"There was a look of contempt in its eyes that sickened me," John said. "If I'd had my machete I'd have cut his stupid head off."

"Congratulations to John," Dave Munton Foundation treasurer Gill Afro said. "The prize is classed as income and he will have to pay tax on it, unfortunately."

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part I)

This time of year is always a busy one for UFO spotters, as many aliens head home for the holidays, often too drunk to worry about covering their flight paths from prying human eyes.

19 December 2012

Burglar Ken Toxic was shimmying up a drainpipe at a legally undisclosable location in Bentilee (his ex-wife's house) when he witnessed a flying saucer go overhead. "It was saucer-shaped and it was flying," said the common thief. "And I couldn't identify what it was. I don't know if there's a name for such a thing, but that's what I saw," added the self-confessed fan of Tina from 'Corrie'.

21 December 2012

Jobless Reg Milker was returning to his home in Tunstall home from a late night drinking sesh, when he looked up at the sky while urinating into a postbox to see three spaceships flying in formation northwards. "I don’t know where they're going," said Reg, who prefers Maria to Tina in 'Corrie'. "But they were sure in a hurry, they were going dicking fast."

24 December 2012

Santa didn't have a lot of stops to make in Stoke this year because everyone was so naughty, so residents of Sneyd Green had to make do with watching overhead illegal sky races by drunken teenage aliens.

Ghost Sensors Could Be Turned Off To Save Money

Ghost sensors could be switched off during the day under the city council's cost-cutting plans. Stoke City Council spends £9 million-per-year on a contract to pay for ghost sensing equipment but council bosses want to cut the annual bill with a new city-wide policy to reduce their usage or turn some of them off altogether.

Pilot schemes have been carried out in Tunstall which saw some sensors turned off from 8am until 5pm, times when ghosts usually rest, but council boffins are still working to identify a safe cut-off point for reduced monitoring if the policy is extended across the city.

Could ghosts run rampage in Tunstall?

Concerns have been raised about increased crime rates from ghosts and the impact on the safety of locals if they are not being watched.

Councillor Mike le Mong, councillor for black ops, said: "In the current financial climate we must be prudent and look carefully at how we can be more efficient and save taxpayers' money. Compromising the safety of local people is neither here-nor-there."

Lloyd Tims, head of health and safety at the Stoke Ghost-Hunting Alliance, said: "This is probably just another case of health and safety gone mad. Crime from ghosts has been on the decrease since we introduced these sensors and now they are going to shit it all back into our face."

Residents Call For Ghost Ban In Tunstall

Residents of Tunny [Tunstall] are calling for ghosts to be banned from its town centre after claiming inconsiderate spirits keep bothering pedestrians! Regulations are planned which will see ghosts banned between the hours of 9am and 7pm from Monday to Saturday.

Chairman of the Tunny Civic Society, Ron Atkinson, has contacted both Staffordshire Police and Stoke City Council about the issue. "This has been a problem for a long time," said Ron. "They reckon that one person was so badly hurt that they ended up with Down Syndrome. Ghosts go tearing around with no consideration for the pedestrians and nothing is being done about it."





President of the Tunny Chamber of Commerce, Doug Morris, was recently bitch-slapped by a ghost while kerb-crawling in the town. The 85-year-old said: "Unfortunately, a ghost made me crash my pussy wagon into a Mothercare store. I didn't think ghosts were allowed in the town centre at all, but that doesn't appear to be stopping the floaty bastards. And have you never noticed how you never see a black or Asian ghost?"

Barry Shanks, a spokesman from Staffordshire Police, said: "It is an offence to be a ghost or dress as one in the town centre. Our police officers have been told to beat anything resembling a ghost with hammers."

More Vampire Bones Found In Stoke?

Amateur ramraiders in Boslem [Burslem] are the latest to show that a widespread belief in vampires really existed in Stoke.

Port Vale FC (nicknamed: "the Scamps") revealed today that the skeleton of a man subjected to a ritual to stop him from turning into a vampire has been uncovered, like the one discovered recently in Tunny [Tunstall].

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/vampire-corpse-found-in-tunstall.html

The remains are from the third grave unearthed in Burslem linked to the practice, "Scamps" mascot Boomer The Dog confirmed at a press conference.

"The skeleton was tied to the ground with ladies stockings, while burning badgers were placed on top of his grave," Boomer said. "The man may or may not have been a vampire but was subjected to this superstition-driven ritual to prevent him from becoming one after his death."

The bones of the man have yet to be dated but are believed to be somewhere between 1 day and several centuries old.

The bones were found during a ramraid at Burslem Cemetery on Hanley Road, where bodysnatchers had previously unearthed another skeleton with tied hands and subjected to similar rites a few years ago.

Vampire tales and superstitions are widespread across the towns of northern Stoke. Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray, voted the company's "rising star of 2007", said there could be 1000s of such "vampire corpses" in northern Stoke.

"They illustrate a practice which was common in places like Boslem and Tunny right up until the 1960s," he told me recently at a hog roast at Dimensions Leisure Centre. "They reckon that some remote tribes up in the mountains near Fegg Hayes and Brindley Ford still do it," he added.

Vampire Corpse Found In Tunstall?

Amateur grave robbers believe they have found the remains of a female vampire in Tunstall - buried with corks on her teeth to prevent her biting people if/when she resurrects!

Phil Slapper, a media studies lecturer at Staffordshire University and vampire enthusiast who has seen every episode of 'The Vampire Diaries' on ITV2, said that the discovery in a tomb at Tunstall Cemetary is the first time that grave robbers have succeeded in finding a vampire. "This is the first time that grave robbers have succeeded in finding a vampire," he said. "As far as I'm concerned, as an academic, this proves the existence of vampires. And I think I speak on behalf of Staffordshire University when I say that."

The skeleton was unearthed by body snatchers Derek Tingle and Dave Link, who were later given another dead body as replacement for the corpse that they would have had if the one they'd stolen originally hadn't turned out to have (possibly) been a vampire.

Some vampires

"It's possible that other corpses have been found with corks on their teeth, but this is the first time anyone has told me about it," said Mr Slapper.

The skeleton was tied down with iron clamps and had a giant clothes peg drilled through where the woman's heart would have been.

Traffic warden and amateur paranormal debunker Dick Mellor is skeptical about the find. Writing in Stoke Skeptic magazine, he argued: "You mark my words, this will turn out not to be a real vampire. It will just be some oldentime skank who was killed and buried by religious nuts 'cus she liked to party hard, like it always is in these cases. If this is a real vampire, I will gladly suck the balls of every man in Stoke."

While legends about vampires date back thousands of years, the modern figure of the vampire was invented by Francis Ford Coppola in his 1992 film 'Bram Stoker's Dracula'. The film was later novelised by Fred Saberhagen, if you'd like to read a book version of the Dracula myth.

Supernatural Fog Envelopes Stoke?

Stokies across the city woke up to a shock this morning: Stoke was covered in thick fog! Worse, it seems that the fog might even be of paranormal origins!

Reports have come in from across the city of strange happenings in the fog. Six people from Chell Heath have been reported dead when fog caused electrical problems with mobility scooters which lead to a pile-up on Chumps Road.

Nearly half the adult population of Brindley Ford phoned in sick for their JobCentre appointments this morning.

Residents of Cobridge are reported to have been plagued by nosebleeds, sore throats and strange needle marks on their arms.

Lake Burslem in the fog

One of our readers, calling herself Howard Donald, e-mailed her own encounter with the fog: "I was leaving my road in Tunstall at around 8am to drive to the local shop to get some fags and booze. I had just pulled out of the estate and there was a thick fog rolling in. I drove quickly to try to beat the fog when I saw a very bright light ahead. As I drove closer, I saw a kebab shop. I pulled in to grab a quick kebab and I asked staff how a new kebab shop could have been built in Tunstall so fast and he looked at me strangely. He then said in a strange accent that it had been there for two years. I asked him where I was and when he told me I began to shake uncontrollaby. I was in Liverpool! I fucking hate Scousers!"

Tunstall

Tunstall is located in Stoke's north-west, above Burslem.

Tunstall comes from the Chinese 'tun sall', meaning 'slap my thigh'.

Tunstall was one of the original "seven towns" that joined together to form Stoke-on-Trent in 1910 (along with Burslem, Fegg Hayes, Fenton, Hanley, Longton and Stoke-upon-Trent).

Tunstall is home to Stoke's Chinatown area. The first Chinese settlers arrived here in 1065.

A typical Chinese man

Historians have discovered that locals were using iron ore found in the area to manufacture weapons from as early as the 13^th century.

Britain's first holiday camp was Tunstall's fascist Family Camp which opened in 1905. Alcohol was strictly banned (though opiates were allowed) and any holiday maker caught talking after 10pm was spanked.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

For more on Tunstall, click here:

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/search/label/Tunstall

12 Ghosts of Christmas (12)

Tunstall-based stalker Kevin Bevins got a taste of his own medicine when he discovered that he was being stalked himself! By a ghost!

Kevin: "I got night vision goggles for Christmas!"

"I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty annoying," said Kevin, when I spoke to him behind some wheelie bins near to a local High School. "It can really put you off your stroke when you've got a ghost staring at you."

Your Questions Answered!

Here are a selection of your questions. And my answers.

Q: "Are you for real?" - Keith Punch
A: Interesting, very interesting. Look at my face, just look at my face.

Q: "Who'll win 'The X Factor'?" - Terry Stafford, Stafford
A: Don't know, don't care.

Q: "What's the biggest ghost you've ever seen?" - Steve Klemp
A: I've never seen a ghost. But, I know of a woman (Mary Hinchnipple) who claims she once saw the ghost of an ice cream van.

"Stick a Flake in it, duck"

Q: "Do you believe in parallel dimensions?" - Leeanne Holdcroft, Fenton
A: Don't be ridiculous, there's no evidence of such things.

Q: "What's the most haunted part of Stoke?" - Janet Suggs
A: In terms of ghosts, probably Burslem or Tunstall. But Fegg Hayes is scarier.

Q: "Do you read minds?" - Jamie Wootton, London
A: I don't, but I can tell you're an idiot without being able to read minds.

Q: "Why have there been no people with super powers from Chernobyl?" - Chip Goodberry, Atlanta (USA)
A: Good question. I'd like to think there's still time, but this has been a big disappointment. When the disaster happened, I thought, 'Finally, some real life superheroes.' Although, admittedly, I was worried the commies would train any supermen as evil super soldiers. But it's never happened. Maybe there was no disaster, just a big cover up of something else...

So there you have it. Keep sending your questions and leaving comments!

Fegg Hayes Yeti: The Tunstall Tail

The Tunstall Tail is an artefact stolen from a Taoist monastery in Tunstall. Supporters contend that the tail is from the Fegg Hayes Yeti. Critics argue that this claim is a load of old rubbish however, and is in fact a fraud.

Dave Munton first heard accounts of the possible existence of a Yeti tail held as a ritual artefact in the monastery in Tunstall during one of his "Abominable Stokeman" treks in 1977. These expeditions were the first to bring photographs of the tail back to Hanley.

On later expeditions in and around Tunstall and Chell, Munton’s associates gathered more information on the Tunstall Tail, and an effort to further examine it was planned. In 1999, Pete Grimes, a member of Munton's expedition that year, reportedly stole pieces of the artefact after the monks who owned it refused to allow its removal for study or play. Grimes claimed to have replaced the stolen bone fragments with badger bones he had taken from Longton Zoo, rewrapping the hand to disguise his theft.

Grimes smuggled the bones from Tunstall into Chell Heath, after which media personality Jonathan Wilkes allegedly smuggled the tail out of Chell Heath in his Widow Twanky pantomime costume. Chat show host Paul O’Grady discovered the story in 2007 while interviewing Wilkes about his forthcoming show 'Stoke's Got Talent'. Wilkes, a close friend of Take That dancer Gary Barlow, confirmed details of the incidents with written materials from the Dave Munton archives.

Jonathan Wilkes takes a break from
his busy work schedule

Staffordshire University Lecturer Phil Majors conducted a physical examination of the pieces that Grimes supplied. His first findings were that the pieces were "definitely bone" and later in 2000 he decided that the Tunstall Tail fragments were "a closer match to some monkey or other than to a human or dog".

In 2001, in conjunction with Majors's research, it was discovered that the Munton expedition consultant, a Derby-based anthropologist by the name of Cletus Conk, had sold samples of the alleged Yeti tail to American shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, who had the bones ground down so he could smoke them in a pipe.

During her highly-publicised 2008 autobiography promotional tour, Fearne Cotton took a side trip to Tunstall to investigate the tail. Cotton was unaware of the possibility that she was looking at a combination of the original material and the badger bones placed there by Grimes. Cotton determined the tail was a hoax.

In 2009, the entire tail was stolen from the Tunstall monastery, and reportedly disappeared into a private collection in Derbyshire. "Don't look at me," Jonathan Wilkes said about the theft.