Purple Ivy

Purple Ivy is a witch said to live on a council estate in Bentilee. Feared by locals, who aren't normally scared of anything, let alone a woman, she lives in her hut supposedly spending her days concocting wild potions and spells with which she can wreak havoc across the town.

"She must be 300 year old by now, and not a day younger," Mayor of Bentilee Ted Frazzle said. "Yup."

"She's lived in that same hut since Bentilee was but a madman's dream," Dividy Road warden Slim Ticks said. "Obviously, she's done it up to be more of a shack over the years so it looks the same as all the other houses on the estate now."

"I managed to look in through a window once," local pipsqueak Claude Duvalle said. "I swear she was skinning a live baby over a big cooking cauldron. Which she then pissed in."

But where does Purple Ivy come from?

"Witches aren't born, they're forged in the pits of hell," occult expert Nigel Trundles said. "Or maybe born to a witch or wizard. I dunno."

"I heard she was created from the dead souls of Stoke's forerunners," ancestry expert Bom Bungers said. "But I can't verify that with science. Right now."

Is Purple Ivy a threat?

"She lost her magic powers in a battle with a powerful warlock, that's what we heard," gossip-monger Kimmy Chuckles said. "As punishment for defeat, she was cursed to live in Bentilee for eternity. So, no."

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part I)

This time of year is always a busy one for UFO spotters, as many aliens head home for the holidays, often too drunk to worry about covering their flight paths from prying human eyes.

19 December 2012

Burglar Ken Toxic was shimmying up a drainpipe at a legally undisclosable location in Bentilee (his ex-wife's house) when he witnessed a flying saucer go overhead. "It was saucer-shaped and it was flying," said the common thief. "And I couldn't identify what it was. I don't know if there's a name for such a thing, but that's what I saw," added the self-confessed fan of Tina from 'Corrie'.

21 December 2012

Jobless Reg Milker was returning to his home in Tunstall home from a late night drinking sesh, when he looked up at the sky while urinating into a postbox to see three spaceships flying in formation northwards. "I don’t know where they're going," said Reg, who prefers Maria to Tina in 'Corrie'. "But they were sure in a hurry, they were going dicking fast."

24 December 2012

Santa didn't have a lot of stops to make in Stoke this year because everyone was so naughty, so residents of Sneyd Green had to make do with watching overhead illegal sky races by drunken teenage aliens.

Could HS2 Unleash A Plague Of Vampires And/Or Zombies?

Upto 50,000 bodies will have to be dug up to build the new HS2 rail link in Britain, and developers fear it could unleash a plague of zombies or vampires!

Historians estimate that 50,000 bodies have been buried in the public gardens and cemetaries that will need to be bulldozed to build the rail links that will eventually pass Stoke to the east and west. The government also wants demolish hundreds of council homes and dozens of buildings in what has been billed as one of the largest development ever seen in the UK.

On Saturday night, at a hog roast held to celebrate the £33 billion railway, a HS2 director, Chet Mingus, revealed that 100 paranormal hunters are being employed to fight any supernatural threat created by the project. He said: "We are prepared for any eventuality, natural or otherwise."

Lord Hankey of Bentilee, an outspoken critic of HS2, says this is further justification for shelving the project. "This is just one reason from a whole big list in my head as to why we should stop this MADNESS now."

Escaped Psychic Causes Traffic Chaos!

Police in Hanley were caught with their pants down earlier today - when a psychic in their custody on public indecency charges escpaed during a supervised visit to the toilet!

The man caused chaos on the roads after escaping from Hanley Police Station. The Bentilee-based psychic, Jeb Diamond, brought traffic to a standstill as he bounded naked between cars during the city's rush hour.

"We thought we had him cornered and then he jumped right over a burning effigy of David Cameron and he was off down the road like a bastard," said Police spokesman Barry Shanks.

David Cameron burns!

The man had been arrested earlier for walking naked along Dividy Road in Bentilee while singing the Christina Aguilera hit 'Beautiful' and rubbing his erect nipples at oncoming traffic.

"He's now very calm and happy again and none the worse for his little adventure," added Barry Shanks. "It reminded me of the film 'Baby's Day Out', if you've seen it. But with an oiled-up naked psychic instead of a baby."

BNP Councillor Wants To Colonise The Moon

Local BNP councillor Dave Bender wants to build a permanent colony on the moon and, if his dream is fully realised, the benefits to Stoke's economy could be huge.

The mayoral candidate has repeatedly defended his party's goal to establish a "permanent lunar colony on the moon" by the end of his second-term as mayor - if he is elected. Councillor Bender said he wants to eventually turn the moon into a bustling tourist destination, and hopes to use it for commercial purposes, including a theme park and massage parlour - both staffed by Stokies.

The BNP's planned moonbase

"I do not want us be the country that invented everything first, including the idea of space travel, but then turned around and said, 'It doesn't really matter, let the Russkies, Chinkies and the Yanks dominate space, what do we care?' I think that is a path of national decline, and I am for Britain being a great country, not a country with knob rot," Bender said at a BNP meeting in Bentilee.

He also dismissed claims of hypocrisy given his party's stance on immigration. "There isn't anyone living on the moon, as far as I'm aware," Bender said. "And if there is, they would be better off under British rule, just like most of the world was when the Empire was in full swing. Fact."

Hankey Loses To Foreigner, Joins PDC

Local darts legend Ted Hankey has gone out of the BDO World Darts Championship at the semi-final stage after losing to some foreigner or other, which won't go down well with people in Stoke. Hankey's father, Lord Hankey of Bentilee, was also unimpressed after the match. "Bloody foreigners coming over here ruining our heritage events," said Lord Hankey after the semi-final. "How would they like it if I went over to their country and entered a clog-dancing event or an ethnic cleansing tournament or whatever it is that lot do over there. They wouldn't bloody allow it. We've gone soft in this country."

Hankey celebrated getting a new tattoo in 2009
by winning the World Championship

On a positive note, Ted has announced he will join the rival (and better) darts organisation, the PDC, where he will join other local darts legends such as Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis. Taylor has begged Hankey to join the PDC in the past saying: "Ted should show some bottle, come over and have a go. We're both Stokies and I want him to come over."

HS2 Will Ruin Lives Says Hankey's Father

The government's high-speed rail plans will ruin thousands of lives, according to Ted Hankey's father. Writing in The Spectator, Lord Hankey of Bentilee says that the HS2 network, which will eventually go past both sides of Stoke when the Birmingham-Manchester and Birmingham-Leeds sections are built, was supported "mainly by northern Labour commie MPs who relish the thought of destroying the beauty of Stoke's surrounding areas and The Peak District."

Lord Hankey of Bentilee

Tory peer Lord Hankey, currently in Surrey cheering on son Ted in the BDO World Darts Championship, says the need for HS2 could be bypassed by modern communications. He writes: "There is a perfectly good alternative, which would be much cheaper and faster to take effect, without destroying a bollocksload of countryside and ruining the lives of thousands of people in and around Stoke. Have they not heard of Skype and the internet? Everything is done online nowadays including having affairs and babies and stuff."

Facts Of The Day: Ted Hankey

If you know only one thing about Stoke other than its paranormal history, it's probably that it is the world's number one darts hot spot. And with the BDO World Darts Championship having just started, here's your chance to get to know one of Stoke's biggest darts personalities, Ted Hankey.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Ted Hankey

(1) His full name is Theodore Percival Hankenstein.

(2) Has a third nipple tattoed on his chest.

(3) Once punched a tramp in self-defence.

(4) His darts nickname is "Ted Hankey, The Christmas Poo".

(5) Ted hones his skills in his spare time by throwing darts at people who walk past his house. "Hitting a moving target is harder than hitting a stationary one," he explains.

12 Ghosts of Christmas (2)

Dave David was a bog standard burglar in Bentilee, nothing remarkable about him. Until he got attacked by a poltergeist in 2007 while ransacking his own grandmother's house!

Bentilee-born darts player Ted Hankey

The attack was so vicious it left Dave needing a metal plate to be screwed into his armpit.

"I deserved the beating," admits Dave. "Never shit on your own doorstep, that's what they say... whoever they are."