Ghost Told Man To Vote For Brexit

Stokie Tick Hairforce got some help making his choice at the recent Brexit referendum when a friendly ghost appeared to him the night before and told him to vote LEAVE!

"I was jacking it to some German filth the night before," Tick explained, "When a ghost climbed out of my laptop screen, punched me in the cock then told me to put it away."

Doing what he was told, Tick sheathed his man-dagger, then stood up and demanded answers.

"The ghost, who called himself Sir Sensible, told me in no uncertain terms that I was to vote to leave the European Union on the morrow," Tick said.

Tick describes the ghost as having a moustache and muttonchops, glowing red eyes, a lizard tongue and syringes instead of fingernails. "He said he had Britain's best interests at heart and I believed him," Tick added.

Goldenhill Spirit Box Contact

Goldenhill resident Barry Yonkers says he has no choice but to believe in the paranormal after contacting spirits using a 'spirit box'!

Barry was out dogging one night last week at Goldenhill golf course, having taken what he believed to be an analogue radio along with him. Trying to tune the radio to Signal Gold, Barry could find nothing but white noise on the airwaves.

Barry then said to himself, out loud, "Why the fuck isn't this foreign piece of shit working? Those slave kids who make this bollocks don't deserve a proper fucking wage." Barry was surprised to get a response from the airwaves; "Cus it isn't a radio you fucktard!"

"I thought I had accidentally tuned into some hippy liberal 'alternative' student station or some shit," Barry laughed. "It turned out I was being spoken to by spirits from another dimension."

A spirit box is used by experts to search for beings not able to contact humans by normal means. They are often able to make themselves heard over the white noise produced by the radio-like device.

"I had a bit of banter then got down to a bit of ragging," Barry added. "Got noshed off real good by some proper sloppy bitches. If you find my spirit box out on the course can you leave it at the pro shop please. I think I left it behind the hut by the fifteenth tee."

Bonkers Hours

According to local folklore, people born at certain hours of the day are able to see ghosts and communicate with the dead. This crucial time, known as the "bonkers hour" (or "bonkers hours" in some cases), is normally between midnight and 1am, though this varies between Stoke's towns.

The bonkers time itself often corresponds with the hours of prayer in each town, be it monastic or devilish. Burslem, traditionally a God loving town, has its bonkers hours from 11pm until midnight every night, whereas Norton, which has a large devil worshipping population, has Friday 3pm until Monday 9am as its time.

The extremely common Stoke phrase of "born in the bonkers hours", used to refer to someone who is a bit weird, odd, crazy or bent, comes from this myth.

Benny Island

Benny Island, located on Lake Burslem, is the largest island in Stoke. It is home to a series of underwater caves, which are home to powerful spirits of long dead fish people from a bygone age.

These spirits are of the elders of an extinct race called x who ruled the area before humans had fully evolved. Feeding on cockles, the race died out due to laziness.

Unfortunately, the spirits of this master race haven't been fully investigated as there are no paranormal investigators in Stoke who happen to have the necessary underwater skills to check them out or make contact with their spirits. As such, much of what we know about them is pure speculation.

Some of that speculation includes that they were demons, tortured crabs and poked stuff with tridents for fun.

Man Arrested For Ghost Prank

A man from Norton has been arrested by police for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises.

"We can confirm that a man has been arrested by us for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises," Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks told reporters. "The details can be found on our Facebook page."

The man, known only as Ken Kippers, was arrested by officers after a two year long sting operation where they followed the man for 24 hours a day, 6 days a week (not Sundays), which included setting up webcams in his house, tapping his phones and internet and following him while hiding in boxes. He was finally arrested while taunting mourners at the funeral of an old woman killed by the Stoke Strangler.

The Ghost Of Christmas Past?

Did the ghost of Michael Jackson visit Stoke over Christmas? That's what Cobridge resident Deb Ridehard says happened, regardless of your answer to that first question.

"MJ flew into my room on Christmas Eve after my parents had sent me to bed," Deb wrote on her Tumblr blog. "He cuddled me and told me Santa would come soon."

Jacko, known as the "Kong of Pop", was a Jehovah's Witness but later changed his religion to something else that allowed him to celebrate Christmas, something he did every year by inviting lots of children to his house.

"MJ got into bed with me and stroked my hair til I fell asleep," Deb added. "He didn't nonce me off or nothing. Haters gonna hate."

Woman Gives Birth To Ghost

A Stoke woman being investigated for benefit fraud has had her investigation suspended while her claim that she gave birth to a ghost are checked.

Gabbee Bonkers, 21, from 24 Blizzard Street in Birches Head, had been claiming child benefit and income support for her fourth child, Billy, for over a year when a social worker paid her a visit to find no evidence of Billy.

A baby dressed as a ghost

Ms Bonkers, currently on holiday in Kavos, told investigators that she had given birth to a ghost in a home birth but had previously been too embarrassed to say anything. She says she also didn't know how to stop her benefits.

"I'm going to stick my neck out and say that this story is true," says psychic, medium and Gabbee's literary agent, Crystal O'Future. "This is a real game changer in the world of ghost babies."

Thatcher's Ghost Spotted In Stoke

Stokie and Maggie Thatchers fan Phil Umney got the shock of his life last night when he saw the ghost of the former dictator go past his bedroom window!

"I was writhing around on my bedroom floor, enjoying the feel of my freshly cleaned and plumped carpet fibres against my skin," says the Brindley Ford resident. "As I looked up, I saw Thatchers go past my bedroom window! It was definitely her, I would recognise those nob-eyes, candy floss hair and giblet jowls anywhere, it couldn't have been anyone else."

Not content with his experience, Mr Umney decided to get help.

"I woke my Mum and got her to put on a Thatchers outfit I just happened to own," explained the crazy-paver. "I got her to recreate the ghost of Thatchers's footsteps while I filmed it from several different angles, lest anyone accuse me of making the story up. Ghosts are REAL, deal with it bitches."

Bank Deposit

Birches Head International is one of the biggest banks in the region, whose prestigious clients include Jonathan Wilkes and bearded funny man Dave Gorman, who has an online savings account.

In 2004, the board decided to hire psychic medium Crystal O'Future to help deal with a ghost that was bothering staff in the Prayer Room!

Bank spokesman Perry Boner explained that the ghost's behaviour had recently got out of hand. "Our lunch maid, Mrs Muntford, was on her knees praying to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ – Amen. When she got up, she the ghost tried to cock-slap her in the face, with some success."

A priest was called and, together with Crystal, the ghost was put out of its misery.

Ghost Vale

Reader Derek Pegg left the following message on the Stoke Paranormal Society hotline:

"Can anyone tell me if Vale Park is haunted please, I've felt something touch me in the stands on more than one occasion."

If you can help Derek with this, he asks that you e-mail him at reception@happymassage.com, with the subject "Sentinel Stand".

Local Man Provides Evidence Of Afterlife

When Paul Umney, known to his friends as either "squatman" or "nip" (short for "nipple"), went onto the internet one night last week, little did he realise that he was about to make the greatest scientific breakthrough of all time.

"I watched a video of a piece of paper on a table in an empty room moving about a bit," explains the Vauxhall Nova owner. "It's amazing footage and pretty much proves the existence of the afterlife."

Is it not possible that the movement was caused by fresh air, maybe getting in through a window, air vent, chimney or crack or gap in the doorway?

"I've not been there myself to check, but my understanding from the comments below the video is that the room was completely sealed, and contained just the table, piece of paper and camera. I can't believe this isn't the top story on the news every night, I mean, come on! What more proof could you possibly need?"

Sir Thom Geoffson

On 16 August 1878, Admiral Sir Thom Geoffson was on patrol with Stoke's Navy on Lake Burslem. Suddenly he gave orders for his ship The Boogie and the nearby The Bard Of Bentilee to turn inwards and steam towards each other.

It was obvious to all on board that disaster was imminent, but none of his subordinates dared overrule or question Geoffson's extraordinary command.

As a consequence, the two ships crashed into each other and The Boogie sank, taking the Admiral and four hundred mariners to a watery grave.

As the ship went down Sir Thom was heard to say, "This is not my fault." Military bigwigs agreed with him and laid the blame solely at cabin boy Richard Starkey's feet.

At more or less the exact moment that Sir Thom was plummeting to the lake bed, his wife was holding a seance in their house in Trentham. Suddenly Sir Thom, resplendent in full naval regalia, appeared before over a hundred guests, danced across the dancefloor, before vanishing into the chill out area.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following request:

"I've been interested in ghost hunting for years now and have been to lots of haunted places and seen a lot of crazy things. I am interested in joining a local gang in Stoke and have been searching for the right one but unfortunately nothing yet. If anyone knows of any gangs wanting new muscle then please meet me next to the metal tree on Town Road in Hanley this Saturday at 2:45pm. I have a shed we can use for planning attacks and am willing to make uniforms."

The Azure Ray

According to local Burselm legend, The Azure Ray is a large ghost ship that sails Lake Burslem at night. The boat is said to be a being who is conscious and sentient!

The ship, a booze cruiser, appears as a beautiful and bright fluorescent yellow sailing ship, always full of disco lights and with the sounds of a party on board, but quickly disappears again, leaving no evidence of its presence. The ghost ship is also known to be able to quickly transform and navigate under water, like a James Bond car or something.

The myths claim it is crewed by people who have drowned in the lake, who are brought to the ship by three mythological figures, a mermaid called Sharon, a were-gull called Barry and a talking fish called Ulysses. Once aboard, the dead can resume a typical Stoke existence as if they were alive again, drinking and partying non-stop for eternity on the ghostly booze cruise.

The crew is composed of fishermen and sailors who were kidnapped to serve as human slaves after having been transformed into a creature very similar to Howard the Duck.

Ghost Sensors Could Be Turned Off To Save Money

Ghost sensors could be switched off during the day under the city council's cost-cutting plans. Stoke City Council spends £9 million-per-year on a contract to pay for ghost sensing equipment but council bosses want to cut the annual bill with a new city-wide policy to reduce their usage or turn some of them off altogether.

Pilot schemes have been carried out in Tunstall which saw some sensors turned off from 8am until 5pm, times when ghosts usually rest, but council boffins are still working to identify a safe cut-off point for reduced monitoring if the policy is extended across the city.

Could ghosts run rampage in Tunstall?

Concerns have been raised about increased crime rates from ghosts and the impact on the safety of locals if they are not being watched.

Councillor Mike le Mong, councillor for black ops, said: "In the current financial climate we must be prudent and look carefully at how we can be more efficient and save taxpayers' money. Compromising the safety of local people is neither here-nor-there."

Lloyd Tims, head of health and safety at the Stoke Ghost-Hunting Alliance, said: "This is probably just another case of health and safety gone mad. Crime from ghosts has been on the decrease since we introduced these sensors and now they are going to shit it all back into our face."

Raoul Moat Story A Hoax

Reports that the ghost of Raoul Moat has been seen in Stoke over the past few days have turned out to be untrue.

The stories, which spread around Stoke like Oscar Wilde fire throughout the week, are thought to have been started by a young boy, who has since been arrested by Staffordshire Police and placed in solitary confinement at Death Row in HMP Werrington pending a full confession of guilt.

The rumours caused such hysteria in the city that angry mobs were formed by concerned locals to search for (and attack with hammers) Moat's ghost. Angry mob union spokesman Terrence Pegg has also confirmed that people called Raoul Mint, Raoul Boat, Barry Moat, Raoul Canal and Mustafa Islam have been accidentally beaten to death by some of the mobs who were looking for the cop-killer's ghost.

One prominent rumour towards the end of the week was that Moat's ghost had been cornered in some woods in Trentham. So convincing was the story that Staffordshire Police surrounded the area and Wayne Biggins turned up at the "siege" with a bottle of WKD, some chicken flavour crisps and a golf club, claiming that he knew Moat's ghost.

Paranormal Investigator Hit By Falling Gargoyle

International media outlets based in Stoke are reporting that Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators and Jeremy Kyle historians, has been hospitalised after a gargoyle fell off a building and onto his head.

The accident happened during the filming of a pilot episode of a new web series, 'Stoke Haunted', as Mick investigated a supposedly haunted building that was once leased by darts legend "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

Mick Wessex,
before the accident

When Taylor leased the shop, which he called 'Power Sports' and sold sports trophies and memorabilia, it only stayed open for business for about 3 months. Taylor cited the haunting as the main reason for the shop's failure, ahead of the poor out-of-town location and over-estimation of the Stoke public's desire for signed Ricky Hatton boxing gloves and Ted Hankey neckerchiefs.

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks has confirmed that Mr Wessex has been arrested in and chained to his hospital bed on suspicion of the destruction of private or public property. This comes after leaked footage appeared to show that the investigator was trying to shake the building with his bare hands just before the gargoyle fell off.

The National Trust have also confirmed that they plan on suing Mr Wessex as the concrete winged creature was a Grade A listed gargoyle with a street value in excess of £5 million.

Ghosts Burgle Pensioner

Two ghosts posed as FBI agents after breaking into an elderly woman's home to steal her possessions.

The pair of spooks had forced their way into the terrace house in Elton Welsby Street in Fenton, when they are thought to have been confronted by the angry pensioner. They tried to trick the woman by showing her an ID card with 'FBI' on it.

Two ghosts

The burglars then fled with cash and jam before she had time to raise the alarm. Now Staffordshire Police are consulting with mediums to hunt the two ghosts who were described as "see through" and "floaty".

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "We are urging residents to be on their guard and report any suspicious ghosts immediately. Residents should always ask to see identification from any ghost and ask for a phone number to verify that they are who they say they are."

Beware Ghost In Goldenhill

If you're planning on going dogging anytime soon next to Goldenhill Golf Course, just off Kidsgrove Road, you might want to be aware of the ghost reported to be haunting the area!

I've never been, but dogging friends of mine have, and they are reporting that a pervy apparition has been spying on the hot outdoor action, and sometimes, commentating on it too!

"We're used to people watching us," says official dogger spokesman Fred Claus. "And we get off on it, but noobs might get weirded out by it the first time, so they should be careful."

Tonight's main dogging hotspots will be at the following car parks:

Chell Heath Conservative Working Men's Club

Dimensions Leisure Centre (Burslem)

Fegg Hayes Calvinist Chapel

Goldenhill Golf Course

Middleport Adventure Theme Park

Norton Space Centre

Wedgwood Museum

Strange Items Left At Travel Tavern After Ghost Conference

A quirky list of lost-and-found items has been compiled by local travel tavern The Burslem Hilton after a recent conference on ghost-hunting held at the hotel.

Among the items left behind include ghost-hunting equipment, a life-size Fegg Hayes Yeti costume with detachable penis, a case full of 100 Lou Diamond Phillips masks and an urn containing the ashes of local serial killer Dr Harold Shipman.

Staff at the tavern were even treated to an early Christmas surprise when a couple left a Santa-shaped dildo in their room.

An 18-month-old boy was also left behind, though no 'Home Alone'-style japes were recorded after the boy was locked in a vault for safekeeping until his parents returned the next week to reclaim him.

An energetic gerbil was also found in a cage in one room.

Some of the items left behind:

A suitcase of vintage dwarf pornography

Keys to a white Vauxhall Nova

A suitcase of designer badger outfits and matching collars

A life size Mr Blobby costume

A semen-stained poster of Robert Kilroy-Silk

A 12" picture disc of 'Love Shack' by The B-52's