Halloween Round-Up

Halloween in Stoke is always a grand affair and this year was no different, with a 75% increase in reported deaths, setting a new city record for the holiday.

A bad heroin batch accounted for some of the deaths though city officials are putting the increase down to angry loners on top of churches taking pot shots at people with sniper rifles.

Staffordshire Police have warned revellers that 5 November is the busiest night of the year for murderers as they can burn their victims's bodies on bonfires almost undetected.

Mayor Who Refused To Judge Halloween Contest Gets Sacked

Derek Pegg, the mayor of Brindley Ford, and his councillor wife Tracy have been sacked after they turned down an invitation to judge a costume contest at a Halloween event due to their religious beliefs.

They were asked to go to Brindley Ford City Hall (incorporating the Brindley Ford Opera House) for the afternoon event but decided against it after consulting fellow members at their cult.

Mayor Pegg, who is in his 80s, said he did not think young people should take part in Halloween because it glamourises evil. "It glorifies Satan and celebrates the dark side," he said. "Halloween is a pagan festival. I don't think it's appropriate to involve youngsters in this sort of thing."

Mayor Pegg, who is a member of cult The Brindley Ford Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which believes in aliens and group orgies, was removed from his post by an angry mob.

Halloween

Halloween is one of the busiest times of year in Stoke and this year is no exception, with an estimated 700,000 people ready to join in the local celebrations!

The party will begin with the ceremonial burning of the (wicker) witch, which won't feature a real witch obviously, as the burning of witches was outlawed in Stoke in the 1980s. Jonathan Wilkes will light the witch, designed this year to look like Sir Jimmy Savile, with a traditional Stoke molotov cocktail before the celebrations get into full swing with ethnic dancing and naked tom-foolery.

Peter Pumpkincrouch

Highlights this year include a parade of movie villains and a float featuring Tony Pulis as "king of the parade".

Police have warned revellers to check that they buy their LSD from reputable outlets following last year's "psychedlic shitstorm", when a bad batch lead to a mass outbreak of diarrhoea in the city.