One Night In November

In November and December 1980, the eastern side of Stoke was experiencing a major UFO sighting wave. There were chases of UFOs by police cars near Stockton Brook and a UFO that overflew an oil rig on Lake Burslem.

The UFO, photographed over Lake Burslem

PC Keith Jellies was on patrol on the night of 28 November 1980. Just before dawn he drove along Bummer Road in Sneyd Green looking for some badgers that had been reported missing. They were only found after sun-up, mysteriously relocated in a blood-soaked field in Endon.

Jellies was about to go back to base to sign off duty when he saw a large mass a few hundred yards ahead. At first, he thought it was a hovercraft, but he soon realised that it was something strange. It was a fuzzy oval that rotated at such speed and hovered so low that it was causing the prostitutes by the side of the road to fall over. Then there was a burst of light, and the next thing he knew he was driving his car again, further along Bummer Road, with no sign of the UFO or the prostitutes.

Concerned as to possible ridicule, PC Jellies at first chose not to make an official report, but changed his mind later that day when he got drunk with his children. 

Jellies filed an official report, but was surprised when police chose to sack him instead of investigating further. He went home and killed his wife and children, then himself, with a .44 Magnum handgun. Because of the incident, Staffordshire Police vowed to take UFO sightings more seriously.

The Longport Leprechaun

Famed throughout Stoke for his cheeky sense of humour and lack of height, stories of the Longport Leprechaun have been around for literally ages.

According to local legend, the Leprechaun spends his time making bras, and burying any money he makes near to a pot bank on an industrial estate in Longport. If captured, he offers three wishes in exchange for his release.

Dressed in a green tracksuit and red baseball cap, possibly to hide a balding pate, the Leprechaun is thought to operate alone, though it is unknown if there is one or many who live in the area. Experts believe them to live underground, maybe in the cave system underneath Longport.

Actual Leprechaun not pictured

Meetings with the Leprechaun are often and varied.

"On Halloween, he came to my door asking for sweets," Jill Conkers reported in 1986. "I told him to do one but he chucked toilet rolls all over the car I had up on bricks in my front yard."

"He said he'd grant me three wishes if I showed him my dugs," said Leeanne Stump in 1994. "I got 'em out but he fucked off, laughing like a little bastard."

"I captured him once," Phil Pulse claimed in 2007. "My three wishes were for pork scratchings, a pint of beer and a 'handie'. Fair play to him, he pulled through for me and I let him go."

Woman Gives Birth To Ghost

A Stoke woman being investigated for benefit fraud has had her investigation suspended while her claim that she gave birth to a ghost are checked.

Gabbee Bonkers, 21, from 24 Blizzard Street in Birches Head, had been claiming child benefit and income support for her fourth child, Billy, for over a year when a social worker paid her a visit to find no evidence of Billy.

A baby dressed as a ghost

Ms Bonkers, currently on holiday in Kavos, told investigators that she had given birth to a ghost in a home birth but had previously been too embarrassed to say anything. She says she also didn't know how to stop her benefits.

"I'm going to stick my neck out and say that this story is true," says psychic, medium and Gabbee's literary agent, Crystal O'Future. "This is a real game changer in the world of ghost babies."

Police Turn To Psychics To Find Missing Pervert

Rather than put out an APB, Staffordshire Police have asked psychics for their help in finding convicted paedophile Ted Screamer.

"We will have a two week sift of applications before a rigorous interview process," says spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "After we choose our candidate, we will get security clearance for them which can take upto four months, then we will be in a position to start our induction programme. After that is complete, we can get down to the business of trying to find this pervert."

Ted Screamer has been described as one of Stoke's most dangerous men.

"That is why we are not taking this process lightly," added PC Shanks.

Halloween Round-Up

Halloween in Stoke is always a grand affair and this year was no different, with a 75% increase in reported deaths, setting a new city record for the holiday.

A bad heroin batch accounted for some of the deaths though city officials are putting the increase down to angry loners on top of churches taking pot shots at people with sniper rifles.

Staffordshire Police have warned revellers that 5 November is the busiest night of the year for murderers as they can burn their victims's bodies on bonfires almost undetected.

Satan Worshippers In Longton

Reader Fenchurch Goggles has e-mailed in using the pseudonym "Monkey D. Luffy" to warn of Satan worshippers on Rape Road in South Longton.

"Don't use my real name, but my neighbours Gill and Fred have recently turned to the dark side. My pet goats are worried - Monkey D. Luffy," read Mr Goggles's e-mail.

Fenchurch has been trying to raise an angry mob to attack the house, so far without success. If you would like to join the mob, leave a comment below with your name and phone number.

What Would Crouchy Do?

Stoke mistress Cadge Foxhunt has claimed to have had a visit from religious veteran Jesus Christ.

"It was awesome, like something from a pop music video," says Cadge, 40. "Jesus put his strong, hairy arm around me and told me how sexy I was. It really made my day."

And who does a wise man like Jesus look to for guidance?

"He wore a wristband that said 'What Would Crouchy Do?' on it," says Cadge. "It's really opened my eyes and I went out and bought a Stoke City season ticket, which are still on sale now for a great price. Premier League football at Championship prices. Diamond."

Man Has Sex With Cars

Dave Knutts, who lives in Cobridge with his current "girlfriend" – a white Vauxhall Nova named Chantelle, has insisted that he is not "a sick little monkey" and has no desire to change his ways. 

"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall, like my hero Michael Jackson," says the salad dresser. "But when I see movies and shows like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful."

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his horniest sexual experience was "butt-fucking the shit out of" the helicopter from 1980s TV show 'Airwolf'.

"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change. Just like MJ, I am hated for loving."

He added: "There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked up and I swear it tells me to do it. Seriously."

Old Man Found Still Fighting WW2

RAF Trentham has confirmed that it has captured a 93 year old man in Central Forest Park in Hanley who never learned that World War II ended and has been fighting guerilla warfare ever since.

The man, named Git Holmes, was captured after attacking a group of German tourists who were Bigfoot hunting in the area.

"His feeble fists were no match for my shotgun, ja," said Felix Naturlich. "Does this mean we win the war now, ha ha."

It is believed that Lieutenant Holmes went into hiding after hearing what he believed to be a German accent in a pub in Hanley in 1944. Thinking that a German invasion was imminent, he retreated into Central Forest Park to ready himself.

It is thought that Lt Holmes has been randomly picking off German tourists in the years since he has been in hiding, thinking that he was still fighting Nazis.

"This does explain why so many German tourists who visit the park get killed," says Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks. "It all kind of makes sense now. We just assumed they were killed by some Bigfoot or other."

While in hospital, Lt Holmes's former commanding officer, Gary Butters, had to visit to give him orders officially relieving him of duty. Lt Holmes is rumoured to be pursuing legal action against the Army to claim back pay owed to him over the last 69 years.

Burslem Road

The Burslem Road is an underwater rock formation in Lake Burslem. The Road consists of a 900 metre-long north-south linear feature composed of roughly rectangular stone blocks.

On September 2, 1968, while diving in 10 metres of water off what is now known as Phil Taylor Bay, Keg Hunter encountered an extensive "pavement" of what later was found to be stones of varying size and thickness. After this discovery, the Burslem Road has been visited and examined by geologists, archaeologists, anthropologists, marine engineers, divers and celebrities. In addition to the Burslem Road, investigators have found two additional "pavement-like" linear features that lie parallel to and shoreward of Burslem Road.

In 1978, Burslem's radiocarbon laboratory calculated that the shells composing the Burslem Road are about 3,500 years old.

The Burslem Road, the largest of the three linear features, consists of stone blocks measuring as much as 3–4m in horizontal dimensions, with the average size being 2–3m. The blocks consist of limestone composed of carbonate-cemented shell hash that is called "acerock". Acerock is native to Burslem. Given the degree that these blocks have been eroded, it is highly implausible that any original surface features, including any tool marks and inscriptions, would have survived this degree of erosion.

The consensus among conventional geologists and archaeologists is that the Burslem Road is a natural feature composed of acerock that have broken up into rectangular, polygonal and irregular blocks.

As a result of the unusual arrangement and shape of the stones some believe that the formation is the remains of an ancient road, wall, worship site or some other deliberately constructed feature. Nigel Rockbasher, a retired naval chef, was part of a famous expedition sponsored by Dave Munton in 1995, at the height of the Blur vs Oasis Britpop battle, that included explorers and a number of psychics from the Crystal O'Future Foundation. The group stated that there was "little doubt" that the massive stone blocks were cut by people or aliens, based on their experience of looking at, and sometimes even touching, rocks.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 4: Princess Diana's Death

Stop any old Joe Schmoe in the street and ask him who killed Diana, Princess of Wales, and the answer you get back between bites on a chunky sausage roll will almost certainly be Prince Philip.

But, what if I told you that it wasn't the soon-to-be-dead professional husband who took out the hit on the notoriously amorous princess, but it was in fact Hollywood superstar Kevin Costner!

I've seen documents so secret that they have a special watermark on them to stop them from being photocopied, though you can just take photos of them if you wish to get around this, which show that Costner became so obsessed with conspiracy theories after making the film 'JFK' that he spent several years cooking one up himself, finally choosing Princess Diana as his victim when negotiations for a role in 'The Bodyguard 2' fell through.

Prince Philip was the perfect patsy for this planned perfect murder, and carrying out his plan in a country with massively incompetent police like France was a masterstroke by Costner, recently accused of exposing himself to and wanking himself off in front of a masseuse in Scotland.

Teenager Dressed As Alien Found Brutally Murdered

Today's funny story of the day award goes to the police officers at Burslem Police Station. Finding what looked like a dead alien's body on wasteland, the boys in blue informed RAF Trentham and several news agencies of their discovery, only to find out on closer inspection that the dead body was just a teenager dressed in an alien suit!

"Boy, do we feel stupid," says Detective Ron Briggs of Burslem PD. "To think that the dead body we found was actually an alien!? Fortunately, we've got a good sense of humour down at the station so we can have a good laugh about it."

The dead body has yet to be identified owing to the savage beating inflicted to the head of the victim, but Detective Briggs promises a proper investigation.

"Obviously, the crime scene was contaminated by all the camera crews and members of the public we let it to look at the body when we still thought it was an alien," laughs Det Briggs. "So we'll get no usable or reliable evidence there. I'm sure we’ll come up with something, though. We generally do in the end."

RAF Trentham Defies Orders

Senior staff at RAF Trentham have told the STOKE PARANORMAL SOCIETY that they disobeyed orders from RAF bigwigs to stop investigating UFOs, and will continue to do so.

"Investigating UFO reports is probably the most fun aspect of our work," says Major General Ken Major. "All the other stuff to do with planes and helicopters is actually pretty boring and we don't really care for it that much."

It was revealed earlier this week that the RAF closed down its UFO hotline in 2009.

"We won't be stopping our UFO work," says base chief General Lib Clownfish. "We are prepared to leave the RAF and become an independent airbase if necessary."

Paranormal Investigator Granted Bail

Mick Wessex was granted bail at Fenton Magistrates Court today. Bail was set at £100 and Mr Wessex was ordered to hand over his passport and the spare gun he keeps strapped to his thigh.

Mr Wessex earlier denied the charge of premeditated murder saying that he shot and killed his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite by mistake thinking she was a ghost.

"There's a lot of ghosts out there who would love a go at me, so I always keep a specially adapted gun featuring sandpaper covered bullets at my bedside just in case," explained Mr Wessex.

The terms of the bail mean that he cannot leave Stoke, fire a gun or unsheathe a sword in public.

Wessex Arrives At Court For Bail Hearing

Paranormal Investigator Mick Wessex has arrived at Fenton Magistrates Court at the start of his bail hearing.

Seemingly in high spirits, Mr Wessex signed autographs for court staff and the judge before taking his seat in a specially adapted throne brought in for him by his defence lawyers from Andrew, Derek, Terrence and Pegg Associates.

When asked how he responded to the charge of murder for the shooting of his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite, he responded: "I call bullshit on this charge and demand to be found not guilty and released. Immediately."

Following an overlong lunch break, the hearing was not completed and will continue tomorrow.

Stoke Stunned By Wessex Murder Charge

Most Stokies are still in a state of shock following the shooting of Sharon Dynamite by paranormal investigator Mick Wessex, which Staffordshire Police will try to prosecute as premeditated murder.

While there has been some sympathy for Ms Dynamite, a double amputee who once competed in the Paralongton Games, the majority of Stokies have been rallying behind the paranormal investigator charged with her murder.

"I can't and won't believe it," says Mick Wessex fan Jody Finch from Fenton. "This is clearly a put-up job by the pigs."

Social network Twitter has seen yet more support for Wessex. Trends have included #FreeTheTrenthamOne, #Minnocent and #Innossex.

Previous Incidents At Wessex Home, Say Police

A Staffordshire Police source has told the Stoke Paranormal Society that they have been called out to his home, a mock Tudor mansion in Trentham, on numerous occasions leading up to the shooting of his girlfriend.

"The first time, a gunshot was reported by a neighbour," says PC Barry Shanks, who wishes to remain anonymous. "We arrived to find Mr Wessex and his girlfriend drunk, trying to shoot oatcakes off each other's heads. Technically, this is not a crime so there was nothing we could do."

"The second time, an intruder was reported at the property," continues PC Shanks. "We smashed our way into the property to find Mr Wessex doing Ms Dynamite, not the rapper, but his girlfriend of the same surname, up the arse. They just stared at us and carried on. It was a bit weird so we left. We think they're the ones who made the call."

"On the third occasion, we got a call for domestic violence. We turned up to see them smacking the shit out of each other. We let them finish then gave them a ticking off. It was fifty-fifty in my eyes."

Paranormal Investigator "Shoots Girlfriend Dead"

One of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators, Mick Wessex, has been arrested over the fatal shooting of his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite.

Staffordshire Police would not confirm that it was Wessex who has been charged with the murder, but did confirm that it was a "man short on stature from the paranormal world" who they have arrested.

Mick Wessex, pre-murder

The details of the shooting are unclear, but initial reports suggest Mr Wessex may have mistaken his girlfriend for a ghost and tried to shoot it.

The suspect is due to appear at Fenton Magistrates Court next week where he will have a chance to "call bullshit" on the allegations and apply for bail.

Wearing A Hat Made Of Tin Foil Protects You From Alien Mind Control

A leading Stoke professor claims to have made a breakthrough in the fight against alien mind control.

Professor Mick Nagg says that wearing a foil hat that he has designed is guaranteed to keep you safe from brain molestation.

"All I will say is that I haven't been subjected to thought control once since I started wearing this hat," says the Professor. "The proof's in the pudding and the pudding is on my head."

You can buy a tailored version of the hat from Professor Nagg's own website for just £500.

UFO Seen Near To RAF Trentham

Air Force pilot Peg Klemp was flying her standard issue jet pack on Friday night near to RAF Trentham when she encountered a UFO flying towards her.

The UFO came down to land and Peg flew onto the roof of the ship. She then tried to kick the windows in and break off the wing mirrors.

The UFO then took off and flew away, leading Peg to fall to the ground and break all her toes. The jet pack exploded on impact and is now partially infused to her spine, leaving her with a hump.

Crystal O’Future Hits Back At Critics

At a live show at Vale Park last night, Crystal O'Future spent a good proportion of her time onstage attacking her critics, to wild celebrations from the sell-out crowd.

Crystal told her fans that she would never turn her back on her calling as a medium and entrepreneur, and said that spirits would hurt her if she ignored them.

Crystal, described on her website as "Europe's most beloved medium", and a known confidante of Noddy Holder, has been caught up in controversy recently after a local crazy woman questioned her psychic powers.

"This earpiece," Crystal announced to the crowd, while pointing to it, "Is so that I can keep in touch with the Vale," she said, to rapturous applause from the crowd. "It is definitely not used to get information, no way. Anyone who says that can fuck right off."

"There are certain crazy slags out there who feel the need to shit all over my good name," added Crystal. "I shall hunt down and wreak a terrible vengeance on these pygmies."

Crystal O’Future Scandal

The paranormal world is in a tizz after it was claimed that famous psychic Crystal O'Future may have been fed information by an assistant during a live show in the convention stadium at the Fegg Hayes Hilton.

The claims, by local dancer Carole Egger, were made on Signal Gold's drivetime show yesterday. Ms Egger said that she was sitting at the back of the auditorium and could hear a "camp" man's voice coming from a small room (with an open window) behind her. She claims that what the man said, Crystal then repeated on stage 10 or 15 seconds later. She also claims that several other people heard the voice and turned around to look, before the window was then closed and the voice was not heard again.

Barry Pythagorus, manager of the Fegg Hayes Hilton, claims that the voices heard by Ms Egger were those of spirits from the other side and that maybe she has medium abilities herself. "The only people supplying Crystal with information are the ghosts of dead people, and occasionally animals."

Ms Egger, who is married but insists on being called "Ms", still believes in psychic powers but has said she feels "totes let down" by the experience and will think long and hard about paying £50 to see the psychic ever again.

Crystal O'Future, and her holding company Crystal Corp. Inc. Ltd, have so far refused to comment.

Man Claims To Come From Alternate Dimension

A Stoke man arrested at the weekend and charged with public tom-foolery and urination has been released without bail pending further investigations after he claimed to come from an alternate reality and is only here by accident.

Ken Chegwin, 51, made the claims to officers at Hanley Police Station during a routine cigarette break in the station's car park, while standing next to the police's high speed pursuit vehicle, a 6 speed, white Vauxhall Nova with a 1.7 litre turbo injection engine, walnut dash and alloys.

Ken Chegwin

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks explained further. "Ken asked our officers if they wanted to know a special secret. Of course they did: rule three in the Staffordshire Police handbook says that you always answer 'yes' if anyone asks you if you want to know a secret. Ken told them that he came from a fantastical world, not unlike ours, yet better in every way. He ended up in our reality because of a rip in the space-time continuum and is trying to get home again."

Despite the outrageous claim, PC Shanks thinks that further investigations are justified. "Normally, we wouldn't bother with a case like this, we get two or three a week, and a similar number of people claiming to be Sam Beckett from 'Quantum Leap' trapped in a crim's body. But the level of minute detail Ken gave us, like the fact that the police rule the country in his reality and that the weather is better and that chlamidya has been eradicated mean that we should at least investigate his claims before deciding what further action to take."

Thatcher's Ghost Spotted In Stoke

Stokie and Maggie Thatchers fan Phil Umney got the shock of his life last night when he saw the ghost of the former dictator go past his bedroom window!

"I was writhing around on my bedroom floor, enjoying the feel of my freshly cleaned and plumped carpet fibres against my skin," says the Brindley Ford resident. "As I looked up, I saw Thatchers go past my bedroom window! It was definitely her, I would recognise those nob-eyes, candy floss hair and giblet jowls anywhere, it couldn't have been anyone else."

Not content with his experience, Mr Umney decided to get help.

"I woke my Mum and got her to put on a Thatchers outfit I just happened to own," explained the crazy-paver. "I got her to recreate the ghost of Thatchers's footsteps while I filmed it from several different angles, lest anyone accuse me of making the story up. Ghosts are REAL, deal with it bitches."

Did Jesus Visit Stoke?

Mormon history experts have got Stokies excited after they announced that Jesus may have stopped off in Stoke on his way to America.

"We all know that Jesus went to America in his latter years, that much is fact," says Mormon spokesman Ken Thong. "And we believe he may have spent a night in Stoke on his way to one of the northern ports that would have taken him to the US."

Mormons deny that they have made this story up, and similar ones for every town in the world, just to get good publicity for the church in the wake of Mormon-mocking musical 'The Book of Mormon'.

"Tish and fipsy," says Mr Thong. "This could quite literally be true."

Paranormal Investigator Sex Tape Shame

Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's most famous paranormal investigators, has been forced to apologise after sex tapes featuring him were leaked on the internet.

The 42 minute video has proved a hit with porn fans but comes just days after the investigator was announced as the public face of Mothercare in Hanley.

The video features three scenes. The first shows Mick and three other paranormal investigators innocently roasting two fangirls after the recent Packmoor GhostCon in a beige hotel room.

The second scene features Mick and a tall blonde glamour model. They engage in rough anal sex before Mick gives the woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, or until she is able to sell her story to a tabloid newspaper, a "dirty sanchez".

The final scene features Mick getting penetrated from behind by a chubby brunette woman with a strap-on. Mick is heard yelling "Fuck me like I'm your bitch," and later asks for her to spit in his mouth as he masturbates to climax.

Local film critic David Murray enjoyed the video but has reservations. "There seems to be little in the way of plot or character development, but the performances are solid. I see this film as a satire of the current Conservative-Lib Dem coalition, starting off in a party mood but quickly degrading into ever more desperate acts for satisfaction. It's good but not a classic."

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 3: The Death of Paul McCartney

We all know that Wings and Frog Chorus frontman Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced by a lookalike. However, what if I spat into your open mouth like you were a cheap hooker and told you that this was all a lie and it was actually John Lennon who had really died and been doppelganged?

Secret documents, bearing the legend "For Your Eyes Only", meaning it's not intended for plebs like us, but for people high up in government, have been shown to me confirming that Lennon died in a car crash soon after England won the World Cup in the summer of 1966. Worried about the impact this may have on the nation's good mood and the economy, the then government insisted that The Beatles replace Lennon, which they did with lookalike competition winner Kev Barry. The rumour was then spread that McCartney had died and been replaced because this was easy to disprove if required, and meant that no-one would suspect that it was John who had actually died.

Clues were left by the remaining Beatles for fans to find. The cover of "Abbey Road" shows John at the front, dressed in heavenly white, to show he is dead but in the good place. John is also the only Beatle with hands in his pockets, to hide his fingerprints and thus cover the fact that he is not the original John. Also, When 'Revolution 9' is played backwards, the replacement John clearly says "Turn me on, I'm a dead man, yeah."

Lennon's relationship with Yoko Ono is also a significant indicator of Lennon's death as Kev Barry (John's replacement) was notoriously a fan of Asian babes, subscribing to at least three different magazines on the subject before he replaced the dead Beatle.

Bank Deposit

Birches Head International is one of the biggest banks in the region, whose prestigious clients include Jonathan Wilkes and bearded funny man Dave Gorman, who has an online savings account.

In 2004, the board decided to hire psychic medium Crystal O'Future to help deal with a ghost that was bothering staff in the Prayer Room!

Bank spokesman Perry Boner explained that the ghost's behaviour had recently got out of hand. "Our lunch maid, Mrs Muntford, was on her knees praying to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ – Amen. When she got up, she the ghost tried to cock-slap her in the face, with some success."

A priest was called and, together with Crystal, the ghost was put out of its misery.

Ghost Vale

Reader Derek Pegg left the following message on the Stoke Paranormal Society hotline:

"Can anyone tell me if Vale Park is haunted please, I've felt something touch me in the stands on more than one occasion."

If you can help Derek with this, he asks that you e-mail him at reception@happymassage.com, with the subject "Sentinel Stand".

Local Man Provides Evidence Of Afterlife

When Paul Umney, known to his friends as either "squatman" or "nip" (short for "nipple"), went onto the internet one night last week, little did he realise that he was about to make the greatest scientific breakthrough of all time.

"I watched a video of a piece of paper on a table in an empty room moving about a bit," explains the Vauxhall Nova owner. "It's amazing footage and pretty much proves the existence of the afterlife."

Is it not possible that the movement was caused by fresh air, maybe getting in through a window, air vent, chimney or crack or gap in the doorway?

"I've not been there myself to check, but my understanding from the comments below the video is that the room was completely sealed, and contained just the table, piece of paper and camera. I can't believe this isn't the top story on the news every night, I mean, come on! What more proof could you possibly need?"

Sir Thom Geoffson

On 16 August 1878, Admiral Sir Thom Geoffson was on patrol with Stoke's Navy on Lake Burslem. Suddenly he gave orders for his ship The Boogie and the nearby The Bard Of Bentilee to turn inwards and steam towards each other.

It was obvious to all on board that disaster was imminent, but none of his subordinates dared overrule or question Geoffson's extraordinary command.

As a consequence, the two ships crashed into each other and The Boogie sank, taking the Admiral and four hundred mariners to a watery grave.

As the ship went down Sir Thom was heard to say, "This is not my fault." Military bigwigs agreed with him and laid the blame solely at cabin boy Richard Starkey's feet.

At more or less the exact moment that Sir Thom was plummeting to the lake bed, his wife was holding a seance in their house in Trentham. Suddenly Sir Thom, resplendent in full naval regalia, appeared before over a hundred guests, danced across the dancefloor, before vanishing into the chill out area.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following request:

"I've been interested in ghost hunting for years now and have been to lots of haunted places and seen a lot of crazy things. I am interested in joining a local gang in Stoke and have been searching for the right one but unfortunately nothing yet. If anyone knows of any gangs wanting new muscle then please meet me next to the metal tree on Town Road in Hanley this Saturday at 2:45pm. I have a shed we can use for planning attacks and am willing to make uniforms."

Bigfoot: The Gambino Film

Phil Gambino and Paul Baracas announced in 1959 that they had recorded footage of a Bigfoot at Cobridge Creek. The two minutes of footage, which became known as "that Gambino film", showed a Bigfoot walking along a clearing and at one point eating what appeared to be a chicken drumstick or possibly even a filet-o-fish. Many Bigfoot supporters hold this film as the best evidence of the big hairy bastard's existence.

However, in 1992, following the deaths of Gambino and Baracas in a pedalo disaster, Steve Carp, a longtime friend of the pair, claimed that the footage was faked using a local teenager suffering from Down's Syndrome (that they had borrowed from a special school) dressed as Bigfoot. Gambino's wife, Sharon (or "Shaz" to her friends) refutes Carp's claims, though later married him.

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part II)

25 December 2012

When local vicar Rev Charles Cockshoot saw a UFO over Burslem on Christmas morning, it changed his life forever. "It made me realise that everything I believe in is nonsense," said the 'Strictly Come Dancing' fan, 50. "I quit the church there and then and am now much happier."

27 December 2012

Making her way home to Birches Head after picking up a copy of the eponymous debut album by acclaimed singer-songwriter Rickie Lee Jones for just £3 in the HMV sale, bricklayer Tuft Godfreys witnessed a UFO crash. "One of the flying spacecrafts pulled out in front of the other, causing the crash," said the 'Dancing On Ice' viewer. "The two aliens got out of their ships and argued about who was to blame. I didn't get involved."

31 December 2012

When angry loner Nigel Maycock took to the top of Packmoor Tower on New Year's Eve, intending to pick off random revellers with his sniper rile, he didn't expect to see a UFO! "I expected bloodshed," laughs the postman, 50. "I was setting my scope up when I saw one of them UFOs. Looked like a new one too."

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part I)

This time of year is always a busy one for UFO spotters, as many aliens head home for the holidays, often too drunk to worry about covering their flight paths from prying human eyes.

19 December 2012

Burglar Ken Toxic was shimmying up a drainpipe at a legally undisclosable location in Bentilee (his ex-wife's house) when he witnessed a flying saucer go overhead. "It was saucer-shaped and it was flying," said the common thief. "And I couldn't identify what it was. I don't know if there's a name for such a thing, but that's what I saw," added the self-confessed fan of Tina from 'Corrie'.

21 December 2012

Jobless Reg Milker was returning to his home in Tunstall home from a late night drinking sesh, when he looked up at the sky while urinating into a postbox to see three spaceships flying in formation northwards. "I don’t know where they're going," said Reg, who prefers Maria to Tina in 'Corrie'. "But they were sure in a hurry, they were going dicking fast."

24 December 2012

Santa didn't have a lot of stops to make in Stoke this year because everyone was so naughty, so residents of Sneyd Green had to make do with watching overhead illegal sky races by drunken teenage aliens.

Ridgeway

Ridgeway, located in Stoke's grim north, was once the site of Stoke's largest fool's gold-prospecting location, its population slowly decreased over the course of the 20th Century until the last residents left in the 1980s.

A group of hunters, lead by the intrepid Lyndon Jeffries, discovered traces of the valuable metal in 1888 in the mountainous area. Fool's Gold was at the time more valuable then real gold, but not as valuable as rolled gold. Jeffries and his crew immediately built a mine to pump for the metal.

Ridgeway, yeaterday

After the government introduced the Fool's Act of 1898, lowering the value of fool's gold, the bottoms fell out of the local economy and the town became all but deserted as its fledgling population fled north to look for work. The town was finally emptied in 1914, when the last residents fled into hiding in the mountains to become war deserters. Most of the metal buildings were broken up and used as materials to kill Germans with.

Today, the town has been restored to something like its pre-WW2 glory for the sake of tourism, though many of the buildings today are merely paintings of the buildings on big bits of wood. Fool's gold-mining and shoot-outs are re-enacted for the benefit of tourists and schoolchildren forced there on school trips.

It is mainly used nowadays by paintballing companies.