The chances of meeting someone are pretty slim right now, so hope and pray you don't get any wrist injuries any time soon.
Destiny is a West Ham fan.
Aquarius
Venus is currently in your alleyway, urinating against the wall while smoking crack. However, Venus is good at matchmaking.
Destiny has stolen its neighbour's shed.
Pisces
The alliance between Mars and the Sun is unlikely to result in children, but it does tell you to go and sleep around.
Destiny bitches about you behind your back.
Aries
A discovery at home under the patio spells trouble for your family, while an enchanting new stranger who speaks of tag-team wrestling enters your life.
Destiny is innocent until proven guilty.
Taurus
Don't be a fool it's only blood. Jupiter is hanging around with you, taking pot shots at people for you with Cupid's bow, which it stole when Cupid wasn't looking.
Destiny has eyes bigger than its belly.
Gemini
A newly-wed spies potential partners for you, but soon gives up and tells you to go to a club and try it on with some drunken skanks.
Destiny's best friend has had a leg amputated.
Cancer
Cupid thinks you stole his bow and shows up with a baseball bat.
Destiny is attracted to Anthea Turner.
Leo
The torrid but orgasmic relationship between the Sun and Mars fills you with verve and energy, but you soon feel tired and go to bed for a nap.
Destiny likes to watch.
Virgo
Venus moves into your love zone on a hovercraft, meaning new love at the seaside.
Destiny puts out on a first date.
Libra
A new relaxed attitude will appeal to "K". Try to find out the other letters of K's name.
Destiny says there's plenty in this game for two in a bed.
Scorpio
You're working too hard, so chillax. Love talks to you in a deep voice.
Destiny has always had a dance element to its music.
Sagittarius
Mercury tells you to travel, Mars tells you to stay but be promiscuous. Unsure of what to do, you ask for a fist-fight to decide.
Destiny takes pleasure in the misfortune of others.
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