Thursday, 29 March 2012

Staffordshire Police Ready For Alien Invasion

Police responding to possible alien attacks or invasions in Staffordshire have been kitted out with potentially life-saving equipment.

Three police response vehicles will carry a special pack designed to fight aliens. The pack contains a knife (to fight any hostile aliens), a mirror (to deflect alien ray gun blasts) and a 10p coin to use in a phone box should the Police's radio system go down. 


Officers from Staffordshire Police have been trained to use the devices. Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks is happy with how everything has gone. "Once again, Staffordshire Police has shown itself to be the best, most forward-thinking and most competent police force in the world. Fact."

The cars are based at the three most important sites in Staffordshire: Hanley, Leek and Fegg Hayes.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Voodoo In Stoke

Voodoo is perhaps the most mysterious of all mainstream religions. It can also be a very powerful force. It is believed by some that Voodoo can even be used to kill enemies and to resurrect dead believers in a zombified state!

Many slaves brought to Stoke in the 1700s were Voodoo worshippers. However, in Stoke, they found they were at the forefront of a backlash against Voodoo by the Catholic Church. Catholic slave-owners were encouraged by church leaders to convert their slaves "with lethal force".

However, Voodoo High Priest Eric Djemba-Germain roused his followers in Stoke. Several high profile Catholics died under mysterious circumstances around this time, the most bizarre being a priest who was found dead while having sex with a scarecrow. The Voodoo Church claimed responsibility. The Catholic Church called an uneasy truce.

Some Catholics

Catholic priests continued to speak against Voodoo from the pulpits but did not actively campaign against their rival religion until 1796 when an impatient bishop, Padraig McCock, began to organise anti-voodoo rallies and beatings. In 1800, the Catholic Church launched a violent campaign of renunciation directed at Voodoo followers. The priests went about their attacks with such a blood-thirst that the English government was forced to intercede and command them to cease and desist.

Despite the persecution, the Voodoo faith was continued in secret, particularly in Hanley's French Quarter. Over time it even adopted some aspects of the Catholic religion, as descendants of the original believers spread throughout across the world. The beliefs of European workers mixed with Voodoo practices of slaves was soon created in Stoke with its fertile blend of immigrant cultures.

Dave Munton, who has investigated
Voodoo practises

Today, it is believed that 10% of Stoke citizens, mainly people who live in the French Quarter in Hanley, practise Voodoo.

There is still a great deal of mystery and fear attached to Voodoo rituals. At a Voodoo ceremony, there is normally a feast (consisting of traditional Stoke foods such as oatcakes, pikelets and chips), worshipping, dancing and chanting. Normally an animal such as a chicken, goat, sheep or wolf is sacrificed and their blood is collected. This is used to sate the hunger of the angry gods.

Also well known are Voodoo dolls and Voodoo curses. Local entrepreneur and romantic swashbuckler Dave Munton spent several years collecting examples of "Voodoo death", instances in which men and women died as a result of being the recipient of a curse, an alleged supernatural visitation, or the breaking of some tribal or cultural taboo.

Voodoo black magic is performed by priests who place curses, and stick pins in Voodoo dolls to cause people pain and suffering. However, this use of Voodoo is now performed mainly for tourists, and the faith is promoted by its followers as being a wonderful way to understand the human condition and the world around us.

It is estimated there are now more than 60 million people who practice Voodoo worldwide, largely where people from Africa, Haiti and Stoke have settled.

The Voodoo Church in Stoke also operates celebrity centres for its many high profile followers. Members of the public are not banned from the centres but are encouraged not to attend and bother the important people. The centres were established in 1954 to attract celebrities, artists, politicians and captains of industry to attend. Church leaders believe that Voodoo speaks to celebrities and high profile people better than other religions. "It's like this: Voodoo suits celebrity personalities," explains High Priestess LaDonna Brubaker. "People who have money and fame need spiritual validation and guidance, which we can offer. Plus, we only take 7.5% of their earnings compared to the 10% most other religions want from celebrities."

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Did "Crouchy" Use Voodoo To Become Famous?

It has been claimed somewhere on the internet that Stoke City footballer Peter Crouch is a rabid user of Voodoo and harnassed its spells to get so tall (6'7") and become a famous footballer!

Crouch goes surfing on Lake Burslem

The claims come from a football forum from an anonymous user who says he is a "Stoke City insider".

"I can't keep quiet about this any longer," said the insider. "Crouchy uses Voodoo to satisfy his own desires. As a Voodoo practitioner myself, I only use spells for good. Crouchy has been using them for fame and wealth."

A Voodoo priestess in Hanley

As we all know, Stoke is the Voodoo capital of Europe; Hanley's French Quarter is home to a large African and Haitian population who practise Vodun or Voodoo. "That was one of Crouchy's motivations for joining Stoke City over other teams like Sunderland," adds the insider. "He knows that if he needs to sacrifice a goat or get a Voodoo doll, he only needs to go to the French Quarter in Hanley to get what he needs."

Crouch has yet to give any comment on Voodoo.

Friday, 23 March 2012

Danny Dyer: I Believe!

If you've seen a British film in the last 10 years that isn't a period costume drama, then you will have seen Danny Dyer. Maybe what you don't know about the omnipresent cockney hardman actor is that he believes in UFOs!

Another film, another classic

Dyer made a show ('I Believe in UFOs') for the superb BBC Three channel in 2010, encouraged by a meeting with right-wing anti-immigration campaigner and astronomer Patrick Moore, where he investigates crop circles, UFOs and cults.

Patrick Moore, yesterday

This show was part of the same series that brought us Joe Swash's ground-breaking 'I Believe in Ghosts'...


As with Joe Swash's show, the programme got what might be described as mixed reviews. Patrick West at Spiked Online bemoans Dyer's "predictable, formulaic and unrelenting music-hall Cockney patois", says that "most heterosexual men think Danny Dyer is a twat" because of "his absurd, bow-legged gait, his speech impediment and his appalling mockneyisms".

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Image Of Peter Crouch Found In Naan Bread

Volunteer bouncer Dave Brolly got a surprise when he went out for a curry in Goldenhill on Saturday night - an image of Stoke City striker Peter Crouch in his naan bread!

Peter Crouch in a naan bread

Dave said: "I spotted Crouchy looking back at me. It was clearly him, you can tell by the long shape of the face and the haunted look in the eyes. It was an eerie thing to see given how close we were to Sunday's association football cup match against Liverpool. It was surely a good sign." Crouch did indeed go onto score against Liverpool the next day!

Peter Crouch in a tracksuit

A few days earlier a woman from Stoke-upon-Trent claimed she could see the face of Crouch in a bruise on her arm. She also claimed that the bruise talked to her and told her to do bad things.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Man Sees UFO Over Hanford

Derbyshire native Bob Felcher, who now lives in Hanford, saw a UFO fly over his house on Sunday night while he was feeding his pet badgers in his back yard.

Bob Felcher (L) and best friend Mustapha (R)

"It was silver and saucer-shaped," he says. "And I saw me one of them there aliens look out the dang window. Sure was ugly. Had big eyes like yer man Chuck Norris. When it left, I prayed to almighty God that them there aliens won't be coming back. And they ain't, which proves the existence of God."

Sunday, 18 March 2012

David Murray: "I Have Been Reborn!"

Emerging in front of the assembled press pack at Quasar at Festival Park wearing only a purple velvet track suit, (and no pants or shoes, as he was keen to point out,) film critic David Murray, who was recently declared missing for over a week, stunned journalists by announcing that he was the son of god!

"I have been reborn to fight evil on the planet," said Murray. "Evil forces have ruled the world for centuries and I have come back, with the power of God, to try to help the world."

To the bewilderment of all assembled, Murray went on to describe conspiracy theories involving monarchs, world leaders, aliens, badgers and more!

"This shadowy ruling network is responsible for everything in the world, from 11/9, as it should be called, to the disaster in New Orleans and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. My mission is now to make people aware of this conspiracy against humanity and to fight their future plans. That is all."

Murray's publicist added that he was planning on writing books about his experience and mission, and will be going on a lecture tour in the near future.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Book Review: Friday The 13th Part 3

Book: Friday the 13th Part 3
Author: Michael Avallone
Released: 1982


Published to coincide with the release of the film of the same name, Friday the 13th Part 3 tells the story of Jason Vorhees returning to Crystal Lake following the end of Part 2 when he was hacked in his neck/shoulder with a machete.

After taking time in a nearby barn to recover from his injury, our hero Jason makes his way back to the lake going on an awesome killing spree, taking down idiot bikers and annoying young people with reckless abandon.

Eventually though, Jason's downfall comes in the form of an axe attack to his head. But will he find a way to return for another adventure?

This is one of two novelisations of the classic third film in the series, the other by Simon Hawke. For me, this is the better of the two, going into more detail of Jason's brutal killings and set at a more frenetic pace. It also contains scenes not included in the film.

A must for book fans everywhere.

Rating: 4/5

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Bigfoot vs Crazy Paving

Kayleigh Burton and her eight children (by six different fathers) claim that a Bigfoot climbed over their garden fence in Hanley in August 1995 while they were having a barbecue!

The Bigfoot hungrily ate some burgers but took against the sausages, threw the barbecue down (cracking some of the crazy paving) then fled back towards Central Forest Park.

Kayleigh has a cigarette to calm down
after her encounter with Bigfoot

"It was over in seconds and we're lucky to be alive," said Kayleigh at the time. "But who's going to repair my crazy paving?"

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Missing Film Critic Found In Fegg Hayes

Missing film critic David Murray has been found!

He was found earlier today wandering around Fegg Hayes while wearing white robes. Normally he wears bright clothes and a monocle.

There's been no news yet as to his state of mind. Hopefully his brain will still function normally and he hasn't been left a drooling vegetable by whatever experience it is that he has been through.

More news when I have it.