Paranormal Investigator In Wine Bottle Insertion Scandal

Local paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has hit the headlines once again after being taken to hospital with a wine bottle stuck in his anus.

The incident happened on Saturday night while Mick was watching the film 'Sliver' on Channel 4. His precise current condition is not known, but has been described as "cheeky" by nurses.

Mick Wessex

The exact circumstances that lead to the accident are currently the subject of wild speculation on MumsNet, but University Hospital of North Staffordshire spokesman Terry Bodger confirmed that the bottle has now been removed. "Fortunately, the bottle was empty and had a cocaine-laced condom on it, making it easier to extract."

Mr Wessex has only just resumed his paranormal investigations following a previous hospital stay when he fell out of a plane and landed on a prostitute, causing him serious injury. The prostitute died in the incident.

Stoke-on-Tokyo

Nearly 6,000 miles away from the real thing, visitors in Japan are flocking to Stoke Country Park, near the town of Maruyama, 20 miles north east of Japan's capital, Tokyo.

Japan's latest tourist attraction is a not-to-scale recreation of our fair city, containing everything from Stoke's beloved architecture to its famous monsters including Bursie and Sneyd Green Steve!

Park owner Sawako Sato spent a year in Stoke working for Vodaphone and loved it so much he decided to build the park when he returned home! "People in Japan love monsters, and Stoke has the best," says Mr Sato. "I think the park will be a big hit."

City councillor Jinky Watkins is overjoyed. "The Orientals are a great bunch," he says. "Hopefully we can have a cultural exchange and they'll let us have some of their girls-knickers-vending machines or some shit in return."

Judge: Alien Kidnappers Are Very "Courageous"

Stoke judge Terry Hatepunch has caused outrage throughout the city by describing aliens who kidnap and probe Stokies as "courageous".

Presiding at Fenton Magistrates Court, in the case of Phil Collins vs El Paethorito, Judge Hatepunch praised the alien El Paethorito, who did not attend the hearing, saying that travelling millions of light years to kidnap and anally probe angry Stokies was "brave", and "was not something I could do."

Not that one.

Mr Collins, not the drummer from Genesis, but someone else with the same name, had brought a civil case against the alien who he claims has kidnapped him on multiple occasions, something he says is "definitely not funny".

Despite his comments, Judge Hatepunch eventually sided with Mr Collins, awarding him damages of £250 million.

Farmhand Claims Alien Invasion

A local Stockton Brook farmboy has claimed he witnessed an alien invasion last Friday night, but critics insist it was just a meteor shower!

Terry Tucker, 23

"As I chowed down on a ploughman's in the barn, I looked up to see lights in the sky!" claims Terry Tucker, 23, father of eight. "It was the real deal and I don’t care what the townies say, I know they were them there spaceships!"

"They were definitely not spaceships, and I've got the photos and scientific data to prove it," says meteor mogul French Bunningham. "Don’t listen to what the inbred, yokel farmers say, they don't know shit and, furthermore, it's time they stopped getting subsidies for their useless land, the lazy bastards."

The Men Who Stare At Badgers

Word on the street is that RAF Trentham is resurrecting its controversial remote viewing programme, which was closed down several years ago amid claims that "viewers" used their powers for personal gain and sexual gratification during office hours.

The programme was designed to be used to harness the power of the mind to spy on rival armies in Russia, Stone and Crewe, and to kill people just by staring at them really hard.

If you are interested, please contact the RAF at 0845 605 5555 and ask to be transferred to RAF Trentham, remote viewing desk.

Dead Mermaid In Goms Mill?

A possible mermaid corpse has been found in a swimming pool in Goms Mill, near to Longton.

The topless corpse, which may or may not have been assaulted then partially barbecued, is the property of 57 year old moustache magnate Mark Willey. Mr Willey refuses to let the mermaid out of his sight to be examined but claims it's the real deal.

"It's mine, I own it, if I want to let you in to play with it I will," says Mr Willey. "And if I tell you to fuck off and get back to your own end, you will fuck off and get back to your own end, capiche?"

Mr Willey has so far refused to comment on how the mermaid ended up dead in his swimming pool, or about the simultaneous and "unrelated" disappearance of his wife.

Strange Items Left At Travel Tavern After Ghost Conference

A quirky list of lost-and-found items has been compiled by local travel tavern The Burslem Hilton after a recent conference on ghost-hunting held at the hotel.

Among the items left behind include ghost-hunting equipment, a life-size Fegg Hayes Yeti costume with detachable penis, a case full of 100 Lou Diamond Phillips masks and an urn containing the ashes of local serial killer Dr Harold Shipman.

Staff at the tavern were even treated to an early Christmas surprise when a couple left a Santa-shaped dildo in their room.

An 18-month-old boy was also left behind, though no 'Home Alone'-style japes were recorded after the boy was locked in a vault for safekeeping until his parents returned the next week to reclaim him.

An energetic gerbil was also found in a cage in one room.

Some of the items left behind:

A suitcase of vintage dwarf pornography

Keys to a white Vauxhall Nova

A suitcase of designer badger outfits and matching collars

A life size Mr Blobby costume

A semen-stained poster of Robert Kilroy-Silk

A 12" picture disc of 'Love Shack' by The B-52's

CCTV Placed To Catch Ghost Vandals

CCTV cameras have been installed on part of a housing estate after a spate of vandal attacks.

The increased security has been put in place in Cobridge after youths claimed ghosts targeted play equipment and community allotments. Incidents included arson attacks, break-ins and plants being uprooted. Words such as "fuck off grampa" and "gobble is a shitmuncher" have been sprayed onto sheds and crack-dens.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "Large groups of young people were gathering in the area. They say ghosts must have done it because they didn't. Infrared CCTV cameras have been installed to assist. If caught, the ghosts will be spoken to and warned about their future behaviour."

Local resident Bob Lazarus said: "We have had attempted break-ins, with bricks thrown at the shed and someone or thing trying to kick the door down. They have been in our equipment smoking and starting fires which now need literally pounds worth of repairs."

The spokeschav for the local unruly children, Makkenzee Gobble, denies any child involvement. "No way dude, the spooky bastards did it, not us. Now fuck off or I'll cut you."

The UFogs

The UFogs cult, based in Barlaston, is lead by the charismatic Ferria, a former titty bar owner born in 1965 as Paul Gristle. The cult believes that it is in contact with a race of aliens called The Aubreys. The leader of the aliens, Kengo Gash-Rar, is a close personal friend of Ferria; his inter-dimensional spaceship orbits the Earth protecting the UFogs (but not the rest of the human race) from potential alien attack. When its believers die, the Aubreys will transport the UFogs to another dimension for eternal life. The UFogs believe in free love. As leader, Ferria is required to take the virginity of all female followers.



Ferria (aka: Paul Gristle)



Ferria claims that Kengo is a messiah figure who will declare his presence to the wider world when the time is right. The Aubreys come from an alternate dimension Mars, and their mother ships are shaped like chicken drumsticks. Kengo told Ferria that humans are descendants of these Martians, who came to Earth 1 million years ago on holiday and never left.

Scientology Is "Weird", Says Rival Cult

The Church of Scientology is "made up of nutters" and its beliefs are "as bent as a bag of broken bollocks", says The Supreme Master, leader of Stoke cult The Master's Race.

In a frank interview on Signal Gold's Paranormal Night radio show, interspersed with hits from the 70s, The Supreme Master lambasted the American cult's recent attempts to break into the Stoke market. "Get back to your own end," he said, while holding up a picture of America to a webcam.

"They're little more than a bunch of weird, asexual freaks," continued The Supreme Master, following the playing of a track by Black Country rockers Slade. "Tom Cruise and his bald mates can suck my balls and go to hell. Not literally. Apart from the hell bit."

The Church of Scientology has yet to respond, but if it does, it will probably involve sending some of their stormtroopers to follow people around with cameras.

Fegg Hayes Yeti Is Gay, Claims Boy

Stoke's scientific community has been thrown into a tizz after an 11 year old boy claimed that the Fegg Hayes Yeti is gay!

The boy made the claim during a history lesson yesterday at the Phil Taylor Institute of Technology (formerly known as: Cheg's High School) in Burslem. Teacher Ted Stott was astonished by the claim. "I was astonished by the claim," he says. "The little bastard just got up in class and said, 'The Fegg Hayes Yeti is totes gay.' He then marched out of the classroom, lighting a cigarette on a bunsen burner as he went. I assume he went home to prepare the evidence of his discovery for presentation to the world's scientific community."

"We are waiting to see what evidence the boy has got to enable him to make this claim," said local Yeti expert Fenk Hitler. "He must have some real concrete evidence to have been so bold."

"I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day," added Mr Stott. "This could be the greatest discovery in the history of evolution, and it happened here in Boslem."

BREAKING NEWS!

It has been reported that there are several outbreaks of the T-Virus in Stoke.

 

More to follow...

"I've Had Sex With 1,000 Aliens"

Baddeley Green resident Terry Seagull might not look like a ladykiller, yet he has had sex with over 1,000 female aliens! (Or so he claims.)

"It started the first time I was kidnapped by aliens," says the part-time 'Dr Who' fan. "They were going to probe me, and I was like, 'Why don't you let me probe you instead, if you know what I mean?' And they were like, 'OK,' so I was like, 'Let's do this thing!' I then had it off with the aliens in both positions: normal and doggy."

Terry claims he was so good that the aliens kept coming back for more. "The bitches couldn't get enough of me, they said I'm the best they'd ever had. All of them quite literally said that."

Terry doesn't have proof of any of this, but says his word should be good enough. "C'mon, it's me, El Tel, you know you can trust me. But, if you don't believe me, it's because you're a jealous slut," he says to his detractors.