Jason X

Introduction: 'Jason X' is the 10th film in the 'Friday the 13th' franchise. Made as a stop-gap while 'Freddy vs Jason' was in the works, it is set in the year 2455. Yes, really.

1 min: The opening titles are full of special effects. Because this is THE FUTURE.

2 min: Jason seems to have been tied up by chains in a lab somewhere. No explanation as to how he got there. And he seems to have some hair on his head now.

4 min: David Cronenberg has appeared as some sort of sleazy executive, who wants Jason's body for research. Film critic David Murray claims this is the best film Cronenberg's ever been involved with - we'll see about that. Geek pin-up Lexa Doig also appears. Cronenberg says he's the one who "froze" Jason.

Lexa Doig

5 min: Oops. Where Jason should be is instead some sort of (dead) Army guy. Cronenberg runs off and Jason starts killing some other army guys. Nice.

6 min: Cronenberg's dead, already. Jason chucked something metal at him from miles away, javelin-stylee.

8 min: Lexa Doig thought she had Jason trapped in a cryogenic chamber, but guess what? Jason stabbed her though the thick metal door.

11 min: Jason and Doig have both been discovered in the year 2455 - cryogenically frozen. They have been taken onto a spaceship.

16 min: There's a sexy female robot on board. Nice. They are re-animating Lexa Doig. "How does he function with a brain this small?" someone asks about Jason, after scanning his body. Nanobots have brought Doig back to life. She punches a guy as soon as she wakes up because SHE'S FEISTY.

25 min: A young blonde is cutting Jason open, and yes, she removes his mask! We get to see that classic ugly face! Meanwhile, a young brunette is tweaking an older guy's nipples with metal tongs.

27 min: We get to see the sexy robot's breasts. The nipples fall off. Uh-oh, Jason's started moving again!

28 min: Jason's up and kills the blonde immediately. Then picks up a big knife.

30 min: Apparently, "Earth 1" is dead and humans now live on "Earth 2". Lexa Doig explains that they tried to freeze Jason in 2008 because they couldn't kill him. Also, I should point out that the music in the film so far has been cheesy synth rubbish.

34 min: Another kill, classic stabbing-action. "Tony's dead!" cries his girlfriend. Tough luck, sister! They've sent some army-types after Jason with guns.

35 min: There's some sort of holodeck on the ship where Jason kills a (VR) monster and two more (real) people.

41 min: The army types have shot the shit out of Jason. He disappears.

45 min: Jason's picking off the army-types one-at-a-time. "Our brave boys" my arse.

49 min: All the army-types are dead. The spaceship crashes into a space station.

55 min: Those left alive have decided to try to escape from the ship on an escape pod.

61 min: First time we've seen Jason for a while. He kills two people.

62 min: A woman tries to leave on the escape pod and fucks up. Another one dead.

63 min: The sexy female robot is giving Jason a good kicking. She shoots his arm and leg off. And then his head.

69 min: As the survivors plan their escape, the nanobots are putting Jason back together! But stronger! And with a futuristic new mask!

72 min: They've blown Jason off the ship into space! No, he's floated back.

75 min: Another ship has arrived to save the day! But the escpae hatch has gone tits-up so they need to fix it. Meanwhile, Jason is trying to get at them.

78 min: The sexy female robot, who's now just a head, has turned the ship into a holodeck of Camp Crystal Lake, where two hologram women have got their tits out to distract Jason. He kills them anyway, even though they're not real.

81 min: Lexa Doig, a man and the sexy robot head escape on the other ship while the main one blows up. The explosion blows Jason down towards Earth 2... his mask lands in a lake... THE END.

Summary: An average 'Friday the 13th' outing. Some nice kills, but made ridiculous by the futuristic space element and the cheesy music. Lexa Doig survives though, for all you horny geeks out there.

Rating: 3/5