RAF Trentham In UFO Gagging order

A senior military officer in Stoke has stepped into a growing row over a "gagging" order which restricts members of the armed forces from talking about UFOs with members of the public without the express permission of a government minister or a high profile right wing celebrity (such as Jeremy Clarkson), who has permission to speak on the government’s behalf.

The chief of RAF Trentham, General Barry Booth, insisted the advice was necessary, and was for reasons for national security. "This is in now way being done to cover up any secretive UFO programmes," he said. "Honest."

A UFO over Trentham

But local councillors, conspiracy theorists and UFO enthusiasts, including Paul Brown, general manager of both The Paul Brown Conspiracy Cabal and The Paul Brown UFO Club, say the RAF is trying to hide THE TRUTH. "Conspiracy theorists rely on being able to talk to people who claim to be in the military," says Brown. "We rely on these secretive people to tell us what is going on. I think these kinds of restrictions make the RAF look like a bunch of fucktarded cockpigs."

Local medium Crystal O’Future added: "This is an unwelcome change which will affect paranormal investigations of all kinds. No single government owns the RAF, it belongs to the people of this country. I didn’t die in two World Wars so the government could shit on my face like this. This seems like some sort of conspiracy. By the way, I’m talking about my past lives, just in case you’re wondering how I could have died twice before and still be alive."

In a statement to the Stoke Paranormal Society, General Booth said: "It is very important for RAF Trentham to maintain good relationships with UFO fans and conspiracy theorists, as they make up a good proportion of our local core fanbase. Along with idiot women with no imagination who like 'men in uniforms'. However, as is the case for any organisation, we are required to act in accordance with certain rules and to ensure we remain within established security guidelines. As such, the weekly Saturday night UFO theme parties we hold on our base will no longer be open to members of the public."

Injured Paranormal Investigator Blames Celebrities

Mick Wessex, a dwarf paranormal investigator who has appeared on TV’s Most Haunted, and in the promotional video for a Jonathan Wilkes pop song, faces having to use a wheelchair after a stranger picked him up outside gambling venue The Ca$hino at Festival Park and threw him on to the pavement during a night out. Mr Wessex believes his attacker, who has not been tracked down by police, may have got the idea from celebrities on TV.

"An incident like this was just waiting to happen," he said. "People see stars like Tindall or Gervais treating 'our lot' badly and they think that it is acceptable. I believe that could have been why it happened to me – the bloke probably thought it was really funny. Ricky Gervais, the England rugby team and the royal family should be made to apologise for what they have done. I think until someone steps out and says 'this is not acceptable’, all dwarves are under threat."

  

Mick Wessex

Mike Tindall, the England centre and husband of Zara Phillips, was alleged to have attended a dwarf tossing contest, called the "Mad Midget Weekender", with team-mates at a bar in New Zealand. Gervais meanwhile, has caused controversy for his portrayal of dwarves in 'Life's Too Short' and 'The Office'.

Police have appealed for help in tracing the attacker, described as around 5ft 8in, slim build with dark hair and wearing a Global Hypercolour t-shirt and sombrero. Wessex said he had gone outside to score some drugs when the attack happened.

Bursie Beware: US Navy Wants To Test New Weapon In Lake Burslem!

The US Navy is developing an electrically powered rail gun capable of firing missiles between 50 to 100 nautical miles at seven times the speed of sound - and it wants to test the weapon in Lake Burslem!

The US Navy revealed a private sector-built prototype gun is being tested at Loch Ness in a part of northern England known as "Scotland". It is estimated that five more years of research may be required before the gun is ready to test on American humans, but may be ready for testing on non-American humans by as early as next week.

Navy researchers claim the super-gun could provide defence against "missiles, monsters and mothers-in-law!" Stoke's favourite lake monster, Bursie, had better beware!

Watch out Bursie, she might be with the US Navy!

In development since 2005, the new rail gun has so far cost the US military around $432 billion. Similar levels of funding are expected to keep the programme going through 2017, when the Navy anticipates the weapon will be ready to test on "anything and anyone".

A prototype is due to be delivered to the US Navy for testing in June. The US Navy hopes to test the weapon in Lake Burslem but Stoke City Council have yet to give their permission.

"We believe this is definitely a game changing capability that'll give us the freedom of the seas," said Cob Gurner, director of guns and ammo for the US Navy. "No monsters or commies will be able to stop us now!"

"Stoke City Are Magic!"

Reader Scott Baker, who wishes to remain anonymous, has e-mailed in about a strange-but-true regular ghostly occurrence at Stoke City FC's Britannia Stadium.

Mr Baker, a season ticket holder, says that a Native American Ghost haunts the Boothen End of the Britannia Stadium. "The ghost only started haunting the Stadium since we signed Rory Delap," he says in his e-mail. "His Native American Calls can only be heard when Rory takes a trademark long throw in."

Can you see the ghost of a Native American?

This begs the question: is the Britannia Stadium haunted? Or does Rory Delap have a Native American spirit guide who follows him? We all know that the land Stoke is on was bought by "whities" from Native Americans for £24 many years ago (see link below), but as this started only since Delap has been at Stoke, this makes me think that it is more likely that Mr Delap has got a personal Native American spirit guide who follows him personally.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/more-stoke-facts.html

Stoke City and Rory Delap have yet to comment on the issue.

Jason X

Introduction: 'Jason X' is the 10th film in the 'Friday the 13th' franchise. Made as a stop-gap while 'Freddy vs Jason' was in the works, it is set in the year 2455. Yes, really.

1 min: The opening titles are full of special effects. Because this is THE FUTURE.

2 min: Jason seems to have been tied up by chains in a lab somewhere. No explanation as to how he got there. And he seems to have some hair on his head now.

4 min: David Cronenberg has appeared as some sort of sleazy executive, who wants Jason's body for research. Film critic David Murray claims this is the best film Cronenberg's ever been involved with - we'll see about that. Geek pin-up Lexa Doig also appears. Cronenberg says he's the one who "froze" Jason.

Lexa Doig

5 min: Oops. Where Jason should be is instead some sort of (dead) Army guy. Cronenberg runs off and Jason starts killing some other army guys. Nice.

6 min: Cronenberg's dead, already. Jason chucked something metal at him from miles away, javelin-stylee.

8 min: Lexa Doig thought she had Jason trapped in a cryogenic chamber, but guess what? Jason stabbed her though the thick metal door.

11 min: Jason and Doig have both been discovered in the year 2455 - cryogenically frozen. They have been taken onto a spaceship.

16 min: There's a sexy female robot on board. Nice. They are re-animating Lexa Doig. "How does he function with a brain this small?" someone asks about Jason, after scanning his body. Nanobots have brought Doig back to life. She punches a guy as soon as she wakes up because SHE'S FEISTY.

25 min: A young blonde is cutting Jason open, and yes, she removes his mask! We get to see that classic ugly face! Meanwhile, a young brunette is tweaking an older guy's nipples with metal tongs.

27 min: We get to see the sexy robot's breasts. The nipples fall off. Uh-oh, Jason's started moving again!

28 min: Jason's up and kills the blonde immediately. Then picks up a big knife.

30 min: Apparently, "Earth 1" is dead and humans now live on "Earth 2". Lexa Doig explains that they tried to freeze Jason in 2008 because they couldn't kill him. Also, I should point out that the music in the film so far has been cheesy synth rubbish.

34 min: Another kill, classic stabbing-action. "Tony's dead!" cries his girlfriend. Tough luck, sister! They've sent some army-types after Jason with guns.

35 min: There's some sort of holodeck on the ship where Jason kills a (VR) monster and two more (real) people.

41 min: The army types have shot the shit out of Jason. He disappears.

45 min: Jason's picking off the army-types one-at-a-time. "Our brave boys" my arse.

49 min: All the army-types are dead. The spaceship crashes into a space station.

55 min: Those left alive have decided to try to escape from the ship on an escape pod.

61 min: First time we've seen Jason for a while. He kills two people.

62 min: A woman tries to leave on the escape pod and fucks up. Another one dead.

63 min: The sexy female robot is giving Jason a good kicking. She shoots his arm and leg off. And then his head.

69 min: As the survivors plan their escape, the nanobots are putting Jason back together! But stronger! And with a futuristic new mask!

72 min: They've blown Jason off the ship into space! No, he's floated back.

75 min: Another ship has arrived to save the day! But the escpae hatch has gone tits-up so they need to fix it. Meanwhile, Jason is trying to get at them.

78 min: The sexy female robot, who's now just a head, has turned the ship into a holodeck of Camp Crystal Lake, where two hologram women have got their tits out to distract Jason. He kills them anyway, even though they're not real.

81 min: Lexa Doig, a man and the sexy robot head escape on the other ship while the main one blows up. The explosion blows Jason down towards Earth 2... his mask lands in a lake... THE END.

Summary: An average 'Friday the 13th' outing. Some nice kills, but made ridiculous by the futuristic space element and the cheesy music. Lexa Doig survives though, for all you horny geeks out there.

Rating: 3/5

Blood And Bone China

What's that, you like the internet? Especially YouTube? And you like the paranormal, hence you being on this site? Inparticular, you like vampires? And you like Stoke? Well, you should head on over to YouTube and check out the free web series 'Blood and Bone China'...

http://www.youtube.com/user/BloodandBoneChina

Written, produced and directed by Stokies, set in Stoke (based on a real vampire case!), and featuring Stoke-born actress Rachel Shenton, star of TV's 'Hollyoaks', you'd quite literally be a fool to miss it!

Crop Circle In Sneyd Green!

A crop circle has appeared at a farm in Sneyd Green. Farm-owner Barry Burgess has set up a booth and is charging an entrance fee for people to view the circle. He has so far collected about £35,000. The value of the dandelion and burdock crop he had been harvesting was about £1,200.

Barry always rides bareback

A warning if you go to see the crop circle: farmer Barry is a "committed naturist" and doesn't keep his pants on "under any circumstances".

Ring-Fenced By Bigfoot

Not all Bigfoot sightings take place in Central Forest Park or surrounding area in Hanley. In 1956, coal miners at a colliery near to Fenton Park claimed that their cabin was attacked by a group of Bigfoot during one of their cigarette breaks.

A Bigfoot attacks a miner with a metal bar

Team leader of the miners, Terry Biggins, described what happened. "We were having a synergy meeting [combined smoke break and strategy meeting], looking to re-brand the nature of what we do, given the recent paradigm shift in our industry. We were drilling-down a deliverable, massive-aggressive campaignment, when a rock smashed through one of the cabin windows. We went outside and found ourselves ring-fenced by some Bigfoot, who continued to throw rocks at us. We were hoping to outsource a fight back, but no-one came to our help. We brainstormed and decided that the best practice was to shoot back at them with guns. I'm sure we downsized them by shooting one or more of the Bigfoot, but I can't say for sure. Going forward, we knew we needed to have better mission-critical defences against Bigfoot attacks. So we gave all the miners guns."

Police Psychic Fired For Sexual Arousal

Hanley Police Station's resident psychic, Terry Neville, has lost his industrial tribunal case against Staffordshire Police. Neville claimed he had been fired for ageism. "Staffordshire Police doesn't want someone as young as me around," claimed the 45-year-old.

The tribunal disagreed with his claim. "Staffordshire Police employs a wide range of people," said spokesman PC Barry Shanks after the hearing. "We've got some lovely young female secretaries, and there's a black guy we use as a painter when the cells need a new coat. I forget his name."

A cell at Hanley Police Station

Terry was a popular figure amonst Stoke's criminal community, regularly sitting in on Police interrogations with spirit guide Hank to help decide criminals' guilt or innocence. "We'll miss old Nevs," said criminal spokesman Steve Fury. "I know there was at least a couple of times Hank said I was innocent and they let me go when I'd actually done it. Job done."

Staffordshire Police alleged that Mr Neville got aroused during interrogations with female suspects and that is why he was fired. "He used to get a proper 'bonk on' during interrogations. And I think he stole my Audrey Hepburn mug from the kitchen as well," added PC Shanks. The tribunal agreed with Staffordshire Police on these points but dismissed their further allegations that Mr Neville had sent ghosts to officers' houses to spy on them having great sex with their wives or that he had engaged in 'racist' dancing at the Christmas party.

Stoke's Yeti Population Declines Due To Global Warming

There is rising concern among boffins that the big recent summertime retreats of snow and ice in the Fegg Hayes area of Stoke are already harming Yeti populations. That was one conclusion of the Paul Brown Yeti Group, a network of Yeti experts and academics who held a conference in Fegg Hayes last week to review the latest data on the population of Yetis in and around the mountain ranges of the Fegg Hayes area in northern Stoke.

The group, part of the International Union for Yeti Conservation, includes biologists, politicians, non-profit conservation organisations and celebrities such as local stars Jonathan Wilkes and Anthea Turner. At its last meeting, in 2005, the group concluded that the Yeti population was in decline.

The meeting was not without controversy. Mick Taylor, a Derbyshire expert who had attended the conferences for many years, told some reporters that he was banned for attending this year because he says that "global warming doesn't exist and, as such, cannot possibly have any affect on the Yeti population". But Paul Brown, the lifetime honorary chairman of the Paul Brown Yeti Group, gave an alternative reason for banning Taylor: "He's an idiot and he smells bad, really stinks up the meetings. And we're sick of his yokel Derby accent."

The Fegg Hayes-based group is pressing world governments for cuts in greenhouse-gas emissions and better efforts to control all forms of animal hunting, both legal and illegal.

There is a strong consensus that snow and ice levels in Stoke this summer will remain well below the average recorded for the last three decades and that there is no indication that a return to historical levels will occur. "The Yeti is fucked if this continues," commented Brown, but participating scientists concluded the conference on an optimistic note, saying they were "optimistic that human people can mitigate the effects of global warming and other threats to the Yeti, and ensure that they remain a part of the Stoke ecosystem in perpetuity."

Ghost Told Drunken Mourner To Punch Stranger

Mourner Alan Jazz assaulted a motorist after drinking about eight pints at a wake! Fenton magistrates heard the 28-year-old attended the funeral of a close friend on January 6 then beat up a man on the orders of his dead friend's ghost.

Prosecutor Claire Carlsberg said Jazz's victim, Matt Bullock, was driving along the road in a Vauxhall Nova with his wife in the front passenger seat. "He saw a large number of people walking down both sides of the road. A male and female walked in front of his vehicle. The female dropped to her knees," said Mrs Carlsberg.

"The defendant forcefully opened the door and told Mr Bullock to get out the car. He punched him six or seven times. Mr Bullock did get out and others pulled the defendant back. The defendant shouted 'I will kill you' and did a flying head-butt to the car. He then head-butted the door four or five times." It was estimated £1,500 damage was caused to the car.

Jazz, aged 28, of Packmoor, pleaded guilty to assault and criminal damage, but said that the ghost of his late friend had told him to do it.

Rachel Carling, mitigating, said Mr Jazz put out his hand with a view to get the car to slow down. But the vehicle came into contact with the prostitute he was with. "He cannot recall because he had consumed so much booze, but he was aware the vehicle had made contact with the hooker. He foolishly approached and asked the driver why he had just done that. He accepts head-butting the car. He thinks the advice of his dead friend's ghost was absolutely disgraceful and he has since unfriended him on Facebook."

Magistrates sentenced the defendant to a 12-month community order with 200 hours hard labour. And he was ordered to pay £175 compensation to Mr Bullock, £500 for the damage to the car and £85 costs, and £2,500 for an exorcist to put to rest the spirit of his dead friend.