Fairy Cream

Fairy Cream is a substance which allows humans to see fairies. Be careful though, as a fairy may have tampered with it to harm you!

According to myth, the cream used to be given to newborn babies to calm them and stop their annoying crying. Accidentally, a judge of a newborn baby competition got some in her eyes and was able to see fairies and the grotto they had in the house. After becoming aware of this, the fairies added some of their jizz to the cream to spoil it. When the judge asked other people to try the cream, it just stung their eyes and didn't help them to see the fairies. The judge was branded a madwoman and killed.

The cream also allows humans to see through the lies of fairies. For example, if a fairy has disguised itself as a human midget or leprechaun, the user would see the fairy in its true hideous form, and not its cute leppy form.

"Contrary to public perception, fairies are actually devious swine and should be exterminated," fairy hunting expert Tom Comb said. "Fortunately, their flesh is delicious."

Bonkers Hours

According to local folklore, people born at certain hours of the day are able to see ghosts and communicate with the dead. This crucial time, known as the "bonkers hour" (or "bonkers hours" in some cases), is normally between midnight and 1am, though this varies between Stoke's towns.

The bonkers time itself often corresponds with the hours of prayer in each town, be it monastic or devilish. Burslem, traditionally a God loving town, has its bonkers hours from 11pm until midnight every night, whereas Norton, which has a large devil worshipping population, has Friday 3pm until Monday 9am as its time.

The extremely common Stoke phrase of "born in the bonkers hours", used to refer to someone who is a bit weird, odd, crazy or bent, comes from this myth.

Purple Ivy

Purple Ivy is a witch said to live on a council estate in Bentilee. Feared by locals, who aren't normally scared of anything, let alone a woman, she lives in her hut supposedly spending her days concocting wild potions and spells with which she can wreak havoc across the town.

"She must be 300 year old by now, and not a day younger," Mayor of Bentilee Ted Frazzle said. "Yup."

"She's lived in that same hut since Bentilee was but a madman's dream," Dividy Road warden Slim Ticks said. "Obviously, she's done it up to be more of a shack over the years so it looks the same as all the other houses on the estate now."

"I managed to look in through a window once," local pipsqueak Claude Duvalle said. "I swear she was skinning a live baby over a big cooking cauldron. Which she then pissed in."

But where does Purple Ivy come from?

"Witches aren't born, they're forged in the pits of hell," occult expert Nigel Trundles said. "Or maybe born to a witch or wizard. I dunno."

"I heard she was created from the dead souls of Stoke's forerunners," ancestry expert Bom Bungers said. "But I can't verify that with science. Right now."

Is Purple Ivy a threat?

"She lost her magic powers in a battle with a powerful warlock, that's what we heard," gossip-monger Kimmy Chuckles said. "As punishment for defeat, she was cursed to live in Bentilee for eternity. So, no."

Reader Appeal

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following appeal:

"I'm looking to start a powerful new secret society, here in Stoke. Influential people and professionals from local industry are welcome to join. Grunt workers and scroungers are not. I'm looking to get into the puppet master game. I would like us to rule Stoke from the shadows, as well as hopefully being involved in lots of other shady dealings and conspiracies. I have a coat of arms and secret handshake ready to use. My mum says we can use her house for meetings. She will also provide sarnies and crisps."

If you're interested, please get in touch with Chubb.

Man Gets Driving Ban For Protecting Children From Monsters

A Stokie has been punished after he was caught travelling with four children in the boot of his car. He said he did it to keep them safe from any potential monsters, including the Fegg Hayes Yeti.

Staffordshire Police found a total of 11 people in Barry Chomp's Vauxhall Nova when they stopped him in Fegg Hayes last year. One passenger was in the driver's seat, three adults and two children were squeezed into the back, and officers discovered four more children in the boot.

A recent picture of the Fegg Hayes Yeti

Chomp was convicted of endangering his passengers and of driving without licence or insurance earlier this week at Fenton Magistrates Court. He also was fined £5.50 and banned from driving illegally.

Chomp plans to appeal the decision.

Jesus Statue Weeps Beer

A statue of Jesus eating an oatcake in Tunstall has become a pilgrimage for Christians after it began weeping beer.

"It's truly an Easter miracle," Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Burslem said. "Proof that Jesus is real and has answered our prayers."

Located at the centre of Tunstall town plaza, the statue was built in 1789 to represent oatcakes as the chosen food of God. It started weeping beer yesterday morning, Easter Sunday.

"I see it as a gift from the Easter Badger himself," drinker Steve Dave said. "He always looks after us."

Annual Badger Hunt Beckons Easter

Everyone from dumpy school kids to junkies to old people to the city's criminals on death row in HMP Werrington have come together for the annual badger hunt that marks the traditional start to the city's Easter festivities.

"The Easter Badger story goes back centuries, even pre-dating Christianity," Easter eggs-pert Tony Bates said. "It was said that the Easter Badger died for our sins, but was then resurrected on Easter Sunday. The story was stolen by them god-damned Christians. True story."

The Easter Badger traditionally brings chocolate badger eggs to children in exchange for the killing of the badger's natural enemy, the baboon.

To celebrate Easter, Stoke hosts a city-wide badger hunt every year on Good Friday, in the belief that one day, one of the culled badgers will resurrect and show itself to be the second coming of the Easter Badger.

Stokie Makes Mars Mission

Nigel Tanner from Middleport has defended NASA's forthcoming one-way mission to Mars as being vital for scientific research.

The unemployed father of seven, currently living at girlfriend's mum's council flat in Bog End Street, was chosen as one of 100 people who will be jetting off to the red planet in 10 years time to begin preparations for colonisation.

"This mission will lay the foundations for the seemingly inevitable human habitation of Mars," Tanner said. "I'm over the moon, literally, to be a part of it."

Tanner, who has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show 3 times, has been described as a layabout and scrounger by his recent ex-wife Tracy, claims that he refutes.

"Yeah I got no job, but she don't even know me," he said. "Bitch just jealous I got with her best friend, yo. And she's one to talk, she been sucking dick for crack, ai."

Bigfoot Sighting Starts New Theories

A sighting of Stoke's very own Central Forest Park Bigfoot in Cannock Chase last week has sent experts literally wild with excitement.

Cod Fortune, a knob-tweaker from Stafford, reported seeing Bigfoot in the area on Saturday night, the second such sighting in the past seven years.

Danny Boner, professor of law at Staffordshire University and author of 'Bigfoot: The Wild Years', 'Bigfoot: My Part In His Downfall' and 'Contract Law For Business: The Definitive Guide', said that this is massive news in the Bigfoot world.

"This is literally a game changer," he said. "Why was he or she there? Was it a holiday? Visiting previously unknown (to us) relatives in the area? Was he or she just dicking about? The debates will be endless. Bring your own booze. And plenty of it."

Mewtwo Spotted In Fegg Hayes

Several reports have come in of (a) Mewtwo being spotted in northern Stoke.

"He mumbled something about getting revenge on humanity or something," Bev Biggs, one of the witnesses said. "Seemed a bit nuts to be honest."

"He was wandering around looking lost," Gary Gobbler added. "I could have taken it if I wanted to."