Hypnotist Convicted

Fenton hypnotist Cameron David has been sentenced to 12 hours imprisonment after being found guilty of abusing his magic powers.

David was found to have coerced women through hypnosis into handies, blowies and posing for nude pictures. One woman also claimed he got her to do a shit in the middle of his neighbour's lawn as part of a long running dispute.

While the criminal sentence isn't that large, the punishment he receives from the city's magic community could be.

"The punishment he gets from Stoke's Magic Council could be anything," magic expert Steve Dregs said. "He could get imprisoned in a cube of pure energy, he could be sent to another dimension for eternity, or he could just be asked to hand over any pictures and videos he made while doing it and that's it. It’s anybody's guess, really."

Dinosaur Bones Found At KFC

Staff at KFC in Hanley got a shock this week when a member of the public returned his order because it contained dinosaur bones!

Ian Yikes had ordered a KFC 'Bone Bucket' to tuck into a tasty meal, only to find that he had been served some bigger bones than normal.

"Normally, the KFC Bone Bucket only contains chicken bones, we don't know how dinosaur bones got in there," branch manager Tony Tots said. "Nor will we be investigating."

Mr Yikes first had suspicions when he got his bucket at the counter. "The bones are typically around 2-3 inches in length," the 48-year-old badger whisperer said. "These were about 24 inches in length, at least. I was wary, but concluded it was my lucky day. That was until I started to piece the bones together to find that they constructed a fully grown velociraptor."

Experts have declared that piecing dinosaur bones back together will not bring them back to life.

Possessed Photocopier Abuses People

Office workers in Hanley have complained about a photocopier in their workplace that has come alive and started to abuse staff.

Workers at Barry & Company first became aware of the problem when office tea lady Jenny Kump tried to photocopy her arse, only to be told: "Get that fat arse off me you filthy slag."

"It got to the point that every time we went near to the machine, it started to abuse people," office admin manager Greg Chapters said. "We had to send it back. I love 'top bantz' as much as the next man, but this was too much."

"The abuse was getting pretty bad," confirmed grunt worker Mick Yip. "It had gone too far for most. Though it was still the best copier in the office, so I've kind of got mixed feelings. The replacement copier is shit, though it isn't alive and doesn't call me a 'cock munching shit sock'."

"This kind of thing does happen occasionally," office supplier Hammers Ltd spokesman Ted Spiders said. "It's not that big of a deal."

Dragon Ball Stoke

A new think piece by experts at Staffordshire University has said that dragons may have lived in Stoke as recently as the 1970s when they were probably displaced by council estates.

"We've found lots of evidence of burned stuff all over Stoke," Professor Burt Daydream wrote. "We recently discovered a burned out Ford Cortina with a dead body in it in some woods in Fegg Hayes. It has been there for quite some time. We believe a dragon did this. There was also a strong smell of piss in the area. Again, we believe a dragon was responsible, maybe the same one."

Bonfire Sacrifice Confirmed

Stoke's official Catholic sacrifice for the city's bonfire night celebration on 5 November has been announced as local chimney sweep Timmy Webster.

Timmy, aged 12, has said he is delighted to be chosen. "Priest Gary has told me that this is the greatest honour for anyone," he explained. "It's what Jesus would want me to do, basically, is what he told me."

Sacrificing a Catholic is Stoke's thank you to the gods who prevented the Gunpowder Plot of 1605, when Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up the House of Lords.

Timmy was due to give evidence at a forthcoming trial against local priests accused of molesting children. The Judge for that hearing has said he will await the outcome of this sacrifice before deciding whether Timmy can be called as a witness. The Catholic Church of Stoke has described Timmy's sacrifice as coincidental and unrelated to the trial.

Man Arrested For Ghost Prank

A man from Norton has been arrested by police for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises.

"We can confirm that a man has been arrested by us for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises," Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks told reporters. "The details can be found on our Facebook page."

The man, known only as Ken Kippers, was arrested by officers after a two year long sting operation where they followed the man for 24 hours a day, 6 days a week (not Sundays), which included setting up webcams in his house, tapping his phones and internet and following him while hiding in boxes. He was finally arrested while taunting mourners at the funeral of an old woman killed by the Stoke Strangler.

Evil Cat Alert

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout for an evil cat in Hanford.

"I saw it last night from my bedroom window, on top of my shed," Jane Cookies said. "It looked up at me then did a shit."

"I came home to see the cat pissing on my sofa," reported Mary Muggins. "It was looking at me as it did it, the bastard."

The cat is described as being black with evil eyes.

Man Creates Sentient Robot, Won't Let Anyone See It

Local inventor Gam Beatles, from Sneyd Green, has invented the world's first truly sentient robot capable of experiencing human emotions, but it has started to suffer from anxiety and doesn't want to be seen by anybody else, or so Gam claims.

"Terry, as he's called, started off right as rain, but the more he learned about humanity and the world today, the more stressed he has become," Gam explained. "He can't really leave the house right now. Bringing the mood of the place right down. I might have to start claiming benefits for him."

"This is an incredible scientific breakthrough, perhaps the greatest of them all," Professor Dave Stevens of Staffordshire University's Ethics and Celebrities Division commented. "The issues raised by this are literally infinite and the inventor must carry a heavy weight on his shoulders having to deal with this."

"To be honest, I made him mainly so that he could pick out the winners of the horse races for me," Gam added. "Since I met my missus I don't have that much time to get down the bookies like I used to so I thought I'd make a robot to do it for me. Hasn't really gone to plan."

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent in the following request:

"Like R Kelly, I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Literally. I have made some wings out of old feathers and science. If you would like to test out my wings and be one of if not the first human being ever to take flight, then please meet me by the old observatory near to Trentham Monkey Park this coming Sunday morn at 10am sharp. I will be dressed like a mad scientist, including goggles, and carrying some massive wings. Thanks in advance."

Vortex Opens In Bagnall

A portal to another dimension has been found in Gob Street in Bagnall, though members of the public have been advised to stay away.

"We start to find these things opening up more at this time of year," council health and safety inspector Nigel Garage said at the scene. "I'm no scientist, but I think the hot weather may weaken the fabric of the space-time continuum."

"I am a scientist," Dr Nick Legg, professor of science at Staffordshire University retorted. "To suggest that the fabric of the space-time continuum is weakened by hot weather is madness. This man knows nothing. Literally nothing."

"We don't know where this vortex goes or what it does, so it’s best just to ignore it and pretend like it's not there. It'll go away eventually," Mr Garage added. "They always do."