Global Warming Caused By Dragons, Says UKIP

Any warming of the Earth is caused by fire breathing dragons and is not man made, a UKIP councillor has told party supporters at a rally in Cobridge.

"These foreign dragons coming over here and warming our environment, it's a disgrace," the councillor roared to UKIP voters. "UKIP will put and end to this if we come to power and send them back to game of thrones land or wherever they come from."

"This is interesting," Professor Gary Hammers of Staffordshire University said. "We've long suspected dragons of inhabiting mountains in Fegg Hayes, but sightings are few and far between. They do breathe fire and fire does warm stuff up, so this could be legit."

Springtime For Bursie

John Ambulance from Tunstall has become the winner of a cheque for £3,000 and a years supply of pikelets (courtesy of The Dave Munton Foundation and Munton's Pikelets) after being the first person to report seeing the Lake Burslem Monster, aka "Bursie", this springtime.

Running naked along the lake's shore after losing a bet, John jumped over a tramp's dead body then landed awkwardly and fell in the lake. John looked up to see Bursie staring at him.

"There was a look of contempt in its eyes that sickened me," John said. "If I'd had my machete I'd have cut his stupid head off."

"Congratulations to John," Dave Munton Foundation treasurer Gill Afro said. "The prize is classed as income and he will have to pay tax on it, unfortunately."

Trying Wessex: Week Six

Week six of the trial ground to an early halt when Judge Reinholder adjourned the hearing for two weeks following a request from the prosecution.

Chief prosecutor Phil Grundies requested the adjournment citing a request from Signal Gold radio to have him fill in on the breakfast show over the Easter holidays owing to his new found high profile because of the trial.

Judge Reinholder agreed to the break as his granddaughter wants to go to Chessington World of Adventures.

The trial resumes on 05 May.

Man Hairier Than Robin Williams Found

An extremely hairy man has been seen in Fegg Hayes, described by witnesses as being "hairier than Robin Williams".

The man was spotted near to the town's coliseum, wearing a top hat and Adidas tracksuit, drinking beer and spitting on the pavement. Tourists asked him to pose for photographs with them.

Offers for the mysterious man have been pouring in from local carnivals, with the Chell Heath Carnival the current frontrunner.

If you see the hairy man, you are advised to contact local newspapers or post about it on Facebook.

Wessex/Trial: Week Five

A tearful Mick Wessex took the stand at the start of the week and apologised to the victim's family and said that he wished he'd never fired the gun because of all the trouble it had caused for him.

Mick continued by saying that he won't touch guns again for a while, at least not until he's been found not guilty at the end of the trial. He said he had recently expanded his posse to include some people who are "handy" with guns.

Mick said that him and victim Ms Dynamite had hit it off straight away, and had sex for the first seven days after they met, which included "at least six blowies, three handies and a couple of goes on her arse".

Mick was asked about his slow response to the shooting when it came to calling the police. He said he didn't trust them. "I've been stung by tha filth once too often to go crying to them like a little bitch at the first sign of trouble," he explained.

The prosecutor finished the week by asserting that Mick knew the victim was not a ghost when he shot her. "Bullshit," replied Mick. "Liar," replied the prosecutor. "Bullshit," Mick replied again. "Liar," the prosecutor said again. This continued for about an hour then the Judge called an end to the week's proceedings.

The trial continues tomorrow.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent in the following request to the emergency STOKE PARANORMAL SOCIETY phoneline:

"I believe there may be fairies in some woods I frequent. I want to put together an experienced team of hunters to go looking for them. If you are interested, then please meet me at 11am this Sunday morning by the canal lock in Stocky Brook [Stockton Brook]. I have my own nets and poisoned arrows and expect you to have some too. No time wasters please."

The Trial Of Wessex: Week Four

The first witness of the week was neighbour Jane Janowski. As a local busybody, she said she regularly uses binoculaurs to spy on neighbours and could see Mick taking showers if she gets her angles right. She said she heard loud music on the night of the shooting. Songs she could remember included 'Love Shack' by B-52's, 'Sacrifice' by Elton John and 'Ride on Time' by Black Box. She heard a woman screaming after the first shot was fired, though this may have been from 'Ride on Time' rather than the victim.

Phone expert Nigel Garrage was next. He went through all the information from victim Sharon Dynamite's iPhone, including anything that had been deleted. Mr Garrage revealed that Ms Dynamite was an avid player of Candy Crush Saga, to which someone in the crowd shouted, "It's not a proper game!" Barristers asked Judge Reinholder to remove this comment from the records, but the Judge refused. "He's right, it's not a proper game," he said.

Texts by the victim read out included "Sometimes im scared of u wen u beeng a twat" and "U owe me for that morning after pill m8".

The prosecution then rested their case. The defence then asked for a week's break from the trial as Mick had booked a holiday that morning in what was described as a "cracking deal". The judge checked the court schedule then agreed as he wanted to buy some tickets to see Kylie Minogue in concert. The trial recommences a week on Monday.

Wessex On Trial: Week Three

The week began with the prosecution listing all the weapons found at Mick's house. These included the gun used in the shooting (a Colt 45-70 Peacemaker), a Famas assault rifle with ACOG scope, grenade launcher and suppressor attachments, a Remington 870 shotgun, a machete, a plank with rusty nails in it, a cricket bat with a knife taped to the end of it (which Mick says was used to mark his place at a cricket crease) and a snooker-ball-in-a-sock.

Police photographer Bob Biggins took to the stand and faced questions from Mick's barrister about the crime scene and asked whether it had been interfered with. Photos referenced included a blood pool with a smiley face drawn in it and several penises drawn on the wall in blood, some of which had spunk lines squirting out of them.

Ballistics expert Sharon Tugball was the next witness, and she said that Mick was not standing on stilts at the time his girlfriend was shot, contrary to reports. The first bullet fired hit Ms Dynamite on her thigh tattoo of a bow and the second bullet missed her but bounced back of some handcuffs locked to a radiator pipe and hit Ms Dynamite on the tramp stamp on her lower back. The final two bullets went into her head.

The final witness of the week was computer nerd Jack Funkpig who said that before the killing Mick had been on his iPad looking at websites such as a "prison bitch name generator", his own personal website, Facebook, The Daily Mail online and several porn sites.

The trial continues next week.

The Wessex Trial: Week Two

Vomit was the word of the second sensational week in court as Stoke's biggest ever trial moved forward with fans not short of highlights.

It started on Monday when the defendant Mick Wessex started vomiting when bloody photographs of the victim, Ms Dynamite were shown in court. After questions from the judge, Mr Wessex explained that he'd been out binge drinking the night before and was feeling slightly worse for wear. "And photographs like that don't help any," he added.

Later in the week, police photographs of a naked Mick, standing in his conservatory, and covered in blood, were shown. This prompted vomiting from three of the jurors, only one of whom had been out binge drinking the night before.

Mr Wessex denies murder and says: "The only thing I'm guilty of is loving too much. And being a great shag."

The trial continues next week.

The Trial Of The Century Begins

Mick Wessex

The trial of Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's most famous paranormal investigators, for murdering his girlfriend Sharon Dynamite, began this week to wild celebrations.

"Stoke hasn't seen a trial this big perhaps ever," says legal expert Rob Patchwork. "The celebrations are justified, this is the cup final of criminal trials."

Large crowds gathered outside Fenton Magistrates Court on Monday morning ahead of the start of the trial, leading to presiding Judge Reinholder to demand clerks screen the trial on giant screens for those who couldn't get in. The area quickly became known as "Henmurder Hill".

Mr Wessex denied premeditated murder and said that he shot his girlfriend by mistake, thinking she was a ghost as her cocaine covered body was glowing under the UV lights he had on.

Early prosecution witness Kenny Bates said he found Mr Wessex leaning over Ms Dynamite's dead body, singing 'Candle In The Wind' by Elton John, the more recent version about Princess Diana, not the original one about Marilyn Monroe.

Further witnesses also claimed to have heard regular shouting and arguing at Mr Wessex's house between the couple, though Mick's barrister said this was just normal dirty talk during sex that all couples partake in.

Legal teams for both the defence and prosecution are hosting their own podcasts during the trial so fans can keep abreast of the latest news. Special celebrity guests are promised.

The trial continues next week.