Stoke Paranormal Society Is "Filth"

Stoke Paranormal Society employee Barry T. Badger has stunned the organisation and its fans by branding it "filth" and saying that people should not join it.

The office chimney sweep, 19, who joined the organisation as a 10 year old, made the shocking claim on a video posted on YouPorn.

Barry T. Badger, yesterday

"If you are a member of Stoke Paranormal Society then please stop," pleaded Badger in the video. "I am a member and I don't want to be. Please stop filling your head with filth."

The reaction of Badger's bosses is unknown, but managing director Monty Deschanel is reported to have "thrown a benny" when he saw the video.

"If being here is contributing to that guy down there's plan," continued Badger, pointing downwards, i.e. to hell, "Then I don't want to be here."

"Sneyd Green Steve" Charity Gets Government Grant

A charity which searches for evidence of Sneyd Green Steve is to expand its services after receiving a £300,000 boost from tax payers.

The centre, which is about to celebrate its 35th birthday, caters for fans of the legendary swamp monster as well as offering support to some of the people most vulnerable to an attack by Steve.

The windfall will go towards expanding its services and will pay for two full-time explorers, two part-time hunters, administrative support and advertising.

"The money will allow us to do more work with victims of the monster," says centre manager Derek Farscape. "We will also train unemployed youngsters to be proficient with weapons with the aim that they may one day take down the beast, all with help from the government's New Deal scheme."

The charity beat other good causes to the money, including hospices and orphanages. They will now have to make redundancies and reduce services to make up up for their funding shortfall.

PI Falls Out Of Hospital Window

One of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators, Mick Wessex, has fallen out of a hospital window while he was mooning a group of nurses who were outside treating an old woman and an orphan child who had crashed into each other.

Mr Wessex, who was in hospital for a severe head trauma suffered when a gargoyle fell onto his head, was said to be recovering well from his injuries when the incident occurred.

"He was wobbling his naked arse at us when he lost his balance and fell down," said nurse Tracy Cauliflower. "He fell down with his trousers still around his ankles. He was writhing around on the floor with his junk shaking right at us."

Fortunately, the pensioner, who was old and would have died soon anyway, broke Mick's fall and he suffered only cracked ribs and bruised buttocks in the accident as she valiantly gave up her life for the benefit of others. "It's what the old woman would have wanted," said Mick's agent.

Raoul Moat Story A Hoax

Reports that the ghost of Raoul Moat has been seen in Stoke over the past few days have turned out to be untrue.

The stories, which spread around Stoke like Oscar Wilde fire throughout the week, are thought to have been started by a young boy, who has since been arrested by Staffordshire Police and placed in solitary confinement at Death Row in HMP Werrington pending a full confession of guilt.

The rumours caused such hysteria in the city that angry mobs were formed by concerned locals to search for (and attack with hammers) Moat's ghost. Angry mob union spokesman Terrence Pegg has also confirmed that people called Raoul Mint, Raoul Boat, Barry Moat, Raoul Canal and Mustafa Islam have been accidentally beaten to death by some of the mobs who were looking for the cop-killer's ghost.

One prominent rumour towards the end of the week was that Moat's ghost had been cornered in some woods in Trentham. So convincing was the story that Staffordshire Police surrounded the area and Wayne Biggins turned up at the "siege" with a bottle of WKD, some chicken flavour crisps and a golf club, claiming that he knew Moat's ghost.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No.1: The Assassination of JFK

The accepted version of events today is that Frank Sinatra killed JFK. But what if I told you that it wasn't "ol' blue eyes" who offed JFK after all?

I have seen top secret documents that suggest that it was Lee Harvey Oswald who killed JFK, and he set it up for Frank Sinatra and his mafia buddies to get the blame. After getting arrested, Harvey's plan was that the blame would be put onto Sinatra and he would get away with the murder.

However, he didn't reckon with Jack Ruby, who knew the truth and killed him, but was then silenced by Richard Nixon, as part of his conspiracy to eventually become president, and the blame remained on Sinatra. The Kaiser Chiefs commemorated Ruby by writing a song about him, 'Ruby', which reached number one in the hit parade.

Stokie Shaves Tache For Movember

When Stoke man Mark Willey shaved off his moustache for Movember, he thought he was doing a good deed, but he claims that losing his hairy friend has caused a change in his personality!

James Bond

"Since I did it I now enjoy typical women's work such as cooking, knitting and wanking off strange men," says the former crazy paver. "I never did any of these things before and it is solely happening because I shaved the old boy off for charity. I'm outraged and so was my wife, before she disappeared on our recent hunting trip. May God have mercy on her soul."

Mr Willey plans on suing the Movember UK charity for £50 million.

"Honest Matt" Confirms Bursie Sighting

A local man known as "Honest Matt" has claimed that the recent sighting of Bursie by a group of liars was genuine and that he witnessed the whole thing.

In a harrowing comment on the Fathers 4 Justice website (below a story called "Say it with hate this Mother's Day") that reduced this reporter to horrible tears, Honest Matt claims to have been at Lake Burslem when the sighting occurred.

"I was at Phil Taylor Bay, writhing around topless in a mermaid costume for my own amusement," posted Honest Matt. "I saw the whole thing. It was exactly as the liars described it. But better."

However, Terry Fenton, from Fenton, leader of the liars, says Honest Matt is lying. "There were definitely no topless mermaids there, he is lying."

Bursie Spotted By Liars

The Lake Burslem Monster (aka: "Bursie") has been spotted for only the third time this year by a group of liars who were converting base metals into gold by the side of the lake.

The group, lead by current Mr Universe Terry Fenton, from Fenton, say they saw Bursie resting near Phil Taylor Bay, where the beast was reading a book and listening to jazz music.

After befriending the monster, the liars say that Bursie told them all to put on their water skis as he was going to drag them across the lake, which the monster then did, true to his word. This continued for some time but ended when Bursie had to leave for a prior appointment.

"I understand that people may not believe what we say because we are a group of liars," said Mr Fenton, 50. "But I can assure you that all of this really happened."

Paranormal Investigator Hit By Falling Gargoyle

International media outlets based in Stoke are reporting that Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators and Jeremy Kyle historians, has been hospitalised after a gargoyle fell off a building and onto his head.

The accident happened during the filming of a pilot episode of a new web series, 'Stoke Haunted', as Mick investigated a supposedly haunted building that was once leased by darts legend "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

Mick Wessex,
before the accident

When Taylor leased the shop, which he called 'Power Sports' and sold sports trophies and memorabilia, it only stayed open for business for about 3 months. Taylor cited the haunting as the main reason for the shop's failure, ahead of the poor out-of-town location and over-estimation of the Stoke public's desire for signed Ricky Hatton boxing gloves and Ted Hankey neckerchiefs.

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks has confirmed that Mr Wessex has been arrested in and chained to his hospital bed on suspicion of the destruction of private or public property. This comes after leaked footage appeared to show that the investigator was trying to shake the building with his bare hands just before the gargoyle fell off.

The National Trust have also confirmed that they plan on suing Mr Wessex as the concrete winged creature was a Grade A listed gargoyle with a street value in excess of £5 million.

Mayor Who Refused To Judge Halloween Contest Gets Sacked

Derek Pegg, the mayor of Brindley Ford, and his councillor wife Tracy have been sacked after they turned down an invitation to judge a costume contest at a Halloween event due to their religious beliefs.

They were asked to go to Brindley Ford City Hall (incorporating the Brindley Ford Opera House) for the afternoon event but decided against it after consulting fellow members at their cult.

Mayor Pegg, who is in his 80s, said he did not think young people should take part in Halloween because it glamourises evil. "It glorifies Satan and celebrates the dark side," he said. "Halloween is a pagan festival. I don't think it's appropriate to involve youngsters in this sort of thing."

Mayor Pegg, who is a member of cult The Brindley Ford Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which believes in aliens and group orgies, was removed from his post by an angry mob.