"Sneyd Green Steve" Robs Bank

Workers at the Hanley Building Society in Norton got the shock of their lives yesterday when they thought famous swamp monster "Sneyd Green Steve" had walked through the door! However, it turned out just to be a gun-wielding robber demanding cash from the tellers.

The bold criminal walked into the bank at around 3pm disguised with the face of the famous green monster. Staffordshire Police issued the following statement: "We are fairly confident that this is not the real 'Sneyd Green Steve'. We can think of no reason why a swamp monster would want to rob a bank."

The robber then made his getaway with the undisclosed amount of cash and was last spotted sprinting towards a white Vauxhall Nova.

Other than wearing a "Steve" mask, the suspect is described as being a white male in his 20s, and wearing a brown jacket with a fake fur collar, faded blue jeans and a long silver or gold necklace.

For more on "Sneyd Green Steve", click here:

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/p/sg-steve.html

UFO Spotted Over Cobridge

Babs Wright was working a street corner in Cobridge last night when she saw a UFO hover overhead! She snapped the glowing red object on her smart phone as a "john" stopped his car to pick her up.

The disc-shaped UFO flashed across the sky - just as Babs was taking the picture - before it disappeared into the night at around 9pm.

Mr X, Babs's "trick" who wishes to remain anonymous, said: "I just couldn't believe what I had just seen - and, no, I'm not talking about the two prossies I'd just paid to lez off together! It must have been a UFO - and I cannot believe I am saying that because, basically, yeah, I don't believe in them usually. Basically, this was definitely not, yer know, a normal aircraft. It was red, the shape they reckon a flying saucer is, yeah, and had bright lights coming out of it."

Staffordshire Police said they have not been informed of any reports of UFO sightings in the area and wouldn't have believed them anyway, even if they had been told.

El Chellacabra

You will all have seen the news stories lately about the creature(s) terrorising northern Stoke, in particular the stories of it killing animals and draining their blood, but what exactly do we know about the creature responsible: El Chellacabra?

The creature was first spotted in Chell by Jason Butters in the summer of 1994, at the start of the Britpop craze that swept through Stoke (and the rest of England) in the mid-1990s. Much like Britpop, people praised El Chellacabra for being an exciting new British monster with British ideals, unlike the dour, grungy American monsters popular earlier in the decade.

But Butters's story was criticised by some, as the monster he described seemed to have a lot in common with Minilla, the son of Godzilla, on TV on a regular basis at that time as Channel 4 regularly showed the Godzilla films at weekends. Some even claimed he had mixed fantasy with reality and thought that the Godzilla films were real!

Other people came forward with sightings of Chellacabras though. The creatures are reported by eyewitnesses as being about 4 feet in height and as lookingreptilian, with green scaly skin and spines running down its back. They often seem to have some dog-like features as well, such as a snout. (Some people say they look like a cross between a Godzilla and a dog!) They have been reported as some as hopping like a kangaroo, and have large vampiric fangs, which they use to drain the blood of their victims! Fortunately for us humans, Chellacabras do not attack or drink the blood of humans, and is only interested in the blood of animals.

So if you see a creature that looks like the (relatively small) offspring of a Godzilla and a dog, make sure your animals are safe! Keep your pet dogs indoors and your badgers in their hutches! El Chellacabra cares not for animal types as long as it can satiate its own massive blood lust! You have been warned!

Education Budget Cut To Investigate UFOs

"You've got to speculate to accumulate," said councillor Mick Gayes at a press conference at the Regent Theatre to announce the education budget for the next school year, 2012-2013. This was in response to questions asking why the city council is shaving £1.7million off its education grant to schools in Stoke-on-Trent to fund research into UFOs.

Councillor Timmy Shrug, the deputy assistant to the council's deputy leader, said: "The Government is changing funding criteria and sending it straight to research facilities, but Stoke-on-Trent City Council still has its statutory duties. Schools will still get some funding, but not as much."

Councillor Peter Frampton, cabinet member for finance, said: "Schools are a cost pressure we have to deal with. They don't bring any money in, yet they cost us a shitload of cash. Fair's fair, the UFO research will hopefully bring some money back into the system."

Some locals have raised concerns over the grant cut with the city council, but Mr Frampton said they are not expecting any further changes to the budget, adding: "This is the way it will be now. We've quite literally spent hours on this, we won't be going through it all again."

The city council argues it cannot afford to fall behind in the area of UFO research. "We've seen places like Derby doing research into UFOs," explains Mick Gayes. "I'll be fucked like a cheap crack whore if we let that lot of inbred yokels get ahead of us."

Mutant Grasshopper Found In Stockton Brook

This large insect has a huge craving for carrots – and that's not the only thing its big on!

Discovered in an olive grove in Stockton Brook, this giant grasshopper has been declared the largest ever found in England – weighing the equivalent of three mice!

The insect, with a 7in wing span, was found by insect lover Nigel Crips, 53, in Stockton Brook to see its famed canal lock.

Nigel, 53, said: "This is quite literally the largest insect ever seen in Stoke. It happily munched away on a carrot before we stamped on it, thus ending its pitiful insect life in one fell swoop."

Hopefully this little monster isn't part of a race of mutated or genetically enhanced super insects!

Worker Hurt Erecting "Beware Yeti" Sign

A Stoke City Council worker was erecting notices warning the public to be careful of the Fegg Hayes Yeti when he slipped and hurt his back, neck, wrist, arms and penis.

He made a claim for compensation and the city council has agreed to settle the case out of court, after admitting the accident could have been prevented. The final pay-out has yet to be determined but £750,000 has been set aside to compensate man and cover legal fees. Any remaining money from the fund will go to the Army's 'Hog Roast for Heroes' charity.

The council has now ordered 15,000 pairs of special slip-on shoe soles with metal spikes and studs for all council workers, costing £139 each, to be worn at work at all times, to avoid similar injuries to outdoor workers in future.

Council spokesman Ken Cocksmith said: "It's important the council takes its responsibilities to staff and members of the public seriously, while not going health and safety mad, like Derby City Council does. Council elders need to look at the best way to give those with genuine injuries access to justice, while deterring lawyers who are sleazeballs, like the one Bill Murray played in 'Wild Things'."

The incident happened in June 2011, but was only revealed yesterday after council documents were made public when a worker left them at Trentham Monkey Park.

Coffee Morning Raises Money For Local Cult

Local cult "The Visitors" organised a coffee and makeover morning on Saturday to raise money to build an expansion to their compound in Trentham.

Trinity House, named after cult leader Victor Trinity, opened its doors and invited locals to enjoy a head massage designed to stop aliens from reading their thoughts or planting hateful messages in their brains. Guests warmed up with hot beverages in Victor Cafe, followed by a massage or a manicure.

The event was organised to raise funds for the cult's 2012 appeal, which focuses on building a new barn and improved weapons storage locker.

Local business supported the event, including Jerry's Sweet Treats, Booze Heaven and Coca Cola. Claire Trinity, fundraiser for The Visitors said: "We had a small army of volunteers helping with coffees, massages and cupcakes. It was great to see the community supporting their local cult. The children had a good time with face-painting and lots of mums enjoyed a bit of pampering - all while helping to raise several hundred pounds for us. We also hope to have got some new recruits. And as we're a registered charity, it's all tax free."

The cult turns 51 years old this year and receives only a third of its funding from the government, the rest coming from private donations and fund-raising.

Friday The 13th

Friday the 13^th is a day of mystique, superstitions and bad luck! It has also been estimated that around £250 million is lost from the Stoke economy every Friday the 13^th because people can’t be bothered to turn up to work on those days! (Or the Jobcentre.)

It is thought the rumours of bad luck were started by snooty (15-a-aside) Rugby Union fans, who wanted to denigrate the working class fans of (13-a-side) Rugby League, so they put the word out onto the street that 13 was an unlucky number, a belief many people have latched onto down the years.

One, two, Freddy's coming for you

Famous superstitions of Friday the 13^th

Being born on Friday the 13^th means you will be ugly and have bad luck for life! Celebrities born on Friday the 13^th include the Olsen twins and Fidel Castro.

Do not cut your hair into a "bob" cut, or else your children will quite literally die of embarrassment!

If you kill someone on Friday the 13^th, then you will die tomorrow!

Hovercrafts should not be launched or they will sink forever!

Do not consult a medium or you'll be possessed by the devil!

Your superstition e-mails

Mikey Bigglesworth, Chell: "I'm not risking it, so I'm staying in bed all day, drinking and wanking."

Clive Power, Sneyd Green: "If I go to the petrol station, I will spit on every other car there and key them too if I get the chance."

Colin Phile, Birches Head: "I blame the Disney bigwigs, religious maniacs and Eurocrats for this, most superstitions were for good luck before they got involved."

Could HS2 Unleash A Plague Of Vampires And/Or Zombies?

Upto 50,000 bodies will have to be dug up to build the new HS2 rail link in Britain, and developers fear it could unleash a plague of zombies or vampires!

Historians estimate that 50,000 bodies have been buried in the public gardens and cemetaries that will need to be bulldozed to build the rail links that will eventually pass Stoke to the east and west. The government also wants demolish hundreds of council homes and dozens of buildings in what has been billed as one of the largest development ever seen in the UK.

On Saturday night, at a hog roast held to celebrate the £33 billion railway, a HS2 director, Chet Mingus, revealed that 100 paranormal hunters are being employed to fight any supernatural threat created by the project. He said: "We are prepared for any eventuality, natural or otherwise."

Lord Hankey of Bentilee, an outspoken critic of HS2, says this is further justification for shelving the project. "This is just one reason from a whole big list in my head as to why we should stop this MADNESS now."

Camera Veritas

Hey guys, I just started a photo blog ["Camera Veritas"]! You can check it out here:

http://cameraveritas.blogspot.com

Feel free to stop by!

"Postbox" by Monty Deschanel

The bunny will get it if you don't visit. And I'll know.

Man Taken By Aliens? In 1978?

On 16 August 1978, Carl Cox was hunting badgers in Cauldon Park. As he shot his assault rifle at a nearby badger, a most bizarre thing happened. The bullet travelled in slow motion, as if he had entered another dimension!
 

To his utter shock and amazement, he saw a humanoid entity standing nearby. The "alien" was quite tall and gangly, at over six feet in height, looking a bit like Peter Crouch. He was clad in a blue catsuit with a wide belt. A bit like the kind Peter Crouch might wear.

Standing bow-legged, the alien spoke to Cox, asking him if he was hungry. The alien threw some sweets to him, telling him if he took one, he would not have to eat for "literally ages". It was surmised that the entity was smart enough to realise that Cox may have been hungry, or else he would not have been hunting badgers.

Soon, the alien pointed toward Cox, and the next thing he knew, he was in a spaceship, with a catsuit on. Also present were two more aliens, and the five badgers he was previously stalking. The badgers were dancing to pop music. He was told that the aliens were travelling to their home planet, located some 164,003 light years away. In a flash, they arrived at the distant location.

Cox described the surrounding landscape as being occupied with large skyscrapers. The brightness of the atmosphere caused Cox's eyes to water. Cox's next remembrance was being back in Cauldon Park. He says that approximately 3 hours had elapsed since his encounter with the alien had begun.

Dare you cross the road and enter Cauldon Park?

Cox was found in a state of panic and nervous exhaustion, shouting: "They took my badgers!" He was taken for medical care to the North Staffs hospital. His blood work showed he had a highly elevated level of blood lust, probably from the sweets he had eaten.

Cox refutes the suggestion he made up the story to cover for an affair he was having at the time, later discovered by his wife. "These are two unrelated things," he said. "They are mutually exclusive." 

Sex Shop Installs Rear Entrance To Escape Jeers Of Ghosts

An adult shop in Hanley has installed a rear entrance because of jeers punters received from ghosts who haunt the empty pub opposite!

In recent weeks, those looking to enter the shop discreetly were given a shock as pub ghosts reacted with friendly banter and a loud "wa-hey!".

Like you didn't know which one it was

Shop owner Kenny Loggins said: "I think the shop just wanted something a bit more discreet. Most pervs are quite open about the fact they go the shop, but others might want to stay a bit more secretive."

The shop has been open for around 20 years but Loggins admitted the "banter" from the pub meant they had to put in the back door. Horny people can still use the front door but three quarters choose new entrance, which has no bell and a wooden screen around it.

One 46-year-old customer of the shop, who did not wish to be identified by wearing a gimp mask, said: "It was all a bit of fun, but it was terribly embarrassing. People stopped coming in the end. Business must have dropped off in the last few weeks. But they've changed it now, so we can all come again."

Richard Branson Prepares to Search Lake Burslem for "Bursie"

Richard Branson is preparing to make an underwater exploration of Lake Burslem to try to find famous monster Bursie!

But the billionaire tycoon and adventurer insists he is not undertaking the exploration to try to get one over on 'Titanic' and 'Piranha 2' director James Cameron, who recently went to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

Richard Branson, yesterday

Branson thinks that his quest, which will see him journey to the floor of Lake Burslem, will prove even more thrilling than Cameron's, which he described as "a bore fest".

While the director of Titanic discovered a lunar landscape with no living creatures larger than inch-long prawn-like beings, Sir Richard said: "Lake Burslem is   virtually unexplored. There are numerous big creatures there, including Bursie, that will piss all over anything Cameron found."

The founder of the Virgin group of companies is planning to make his voyage later this year.