Springtime For Bursie

John Ambulance from Tunstall has become the winner of a cheque for £3,000 and a years supply of pikelets (courtesy of The Dave Munton Foundation and Munton's Pikelets) after being the first person to report seeing the Lake Burslem Monster, aka "Bursie", this springtime.

Running naked along the lake's shore after losing a bet, John jumped over a tramp's dead body then landed awkwardly and fell in the lake. John looked up to see Bursie staring at him.

"There was a look of contempt in its eyes that sickened me," John said. "If I'd had my machete I'd have cut his stupid head off."

"Congratulations to John," Dave Munton Foundation treasurer Gill Afro said. "The prize is classed as income and he will have to pay tax on it, unfortunately."

Trying Wessex: Week Six

Week six of the trial ground to an early halt when Judge Reinholder adjourned the hearing for two weeks following a request from the prosecution.

Chief prosecutor Phil Grundies requested the adjournment citing a request from Signal Gold radio to have him fill in on the breakfast show over the Easter holidays owing to his new found high profile because of the trial.

Judge Reinholder agreed to the break as his granddaughter wants to go to Chessington World of Adventures.

The trial resumes on 05 May.

Man Hairier Than Robin Williams Found

An extremely hairy man has been seen in Fegg Hayes, described by witnesses as being "hairier than Robin Williams".

The man was spotted near to the town's coliseum, wearing a top hat and Adidas tracksuit, drinking beer and spitting on the pavement. Tourists asked him to pose for photographs with them.

Offers for the mysterious man have been pouring in from local carnivals, with the Chell Heath Carnival the current frontrunner.

If you see the hairy man, you are advised to contact local newspapers or post about it on Facebook.

Wessex/Trial: Week Five

A tearful Mick Wessex took the stand at the start of the week and apologised to the victim's family and said that he wished he'd never fired the gun because of all the trouble it had caused for him.

Mick continued by saying that he won't touch guns again for a while, at least not until he's been found not guilty at the end of the trial. He said he had recently expanded his posse to include some people who are "handy" with guns.

Mick said that him and victim Ms Dynamite had hit it off straight away, and had sex for the first seven days after they met, which included "at least six blowies, three handies and a couple of goes on her arse".

Mick was asked about his slow response to the shooting when it came to calling the police. He said he didn't trust them. "I've been stung by tha filth once too often to go crying to them like a little bitch at the first sign of trouble," he explained.

The prosecutor finished the week by asserting that Mick knew the victim was not a ghost when he shot her. "Bullshit," replied Mick. "Liar," replied the prosecutor. "Bullshit," Mick replied again. "Liar," the prosecutor said again. This continued for about an hour then the Judge called an end to the week's proceedings.

The trial continues tomorrow.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent in the following request to the emergency STOKE PARANORMAL SOCIETY phoneline:

"I believe there may be fairies in some woods I frequent. I want to put together an experienced team of hunters to go looking for them. If you are interested, then please meet me at 11am this Sunday morning by the canal lock in Stocky Brook [Stockton Brook]. I have my own nets and poisoned arrows and expect you to have some too. No time wasters please."