World Didn't End Then

Stokies have been celebrating all day after it was revealed by inside sources that the world didn't end yesterday as planned.

"This is great news," said local business leader Dave Munton at a celebratory rave in Hanley. "I'm gonna get some pussy tonight to celebrate."

Bullshit

Mexican cult the Mayans had predicted the world's end, much to the amusement of local apocalypse experts.

"This shows that all them foreign cults are just bullshitters," said local cult leader Fred Gash. "Bullshitters, I say. We predict that the world will actually end in 2014, and everything is still on track for that to happen."

Rough Close

Rough Close is one of Stoke's most well known ghost towns, located at the northern end of the Trentham Desert, at the southern tit of Stoke. Originally built as a township for African slaves to live in, the area boomed in the late 19th Century after a local boy, little Timmy Dribbles, reportedly found some glitter rocks on the outskirts of town.

The town was mined extensively to hunt for more glitter, and the residents turned the town into what was then a futuristic vision of what a town should be, containing many buildings that were firsts for Stoke, including bath houses, gay bars, swingers clubs and a bowling green.

Rough Close, yesterday

Sadly, what glitter there was exhausted quickly, leading to much of the population leaving and the town falling into disrepair. The last residents finally left in 1944. 

Stoke City Council made an attempt to bring people back to the town in 1963 by building a poison factory and a hotel, but this ended badly when the factory poisoned the local water supply. Since then, the town has been used as a site for bomb and nuclear weapon testing by RAF Trentham.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 2: The Moon Landings

There are lazy bozos out there who claim that the moon landings were faked and that the landing footage was filmed in a big studio out in the desert somewhere.

FALSE!

The truth is that man didn't land on the moon, but actually landed on Mars! According to documents I've seen, marked as "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you", NASA didn't think that the world was ready for man landing on Mars so they just pretended Mars was the Moon. This is why the photographs of the landings have shadows in all the wrong places (if they were on the moon) and lead people to believe that they were faked.

Next time: Noel Edmonds

The Azure Ray

According to local Burselm legend, The Azure Ray is a large ghost ship that sails Lake Burslem at night. The boat is said to be a being who is conscious and sentient!

The ship, a booze cruiser, appears as a beautiful and bright fluorescent yellow sailing ship, always full of disco lights and with the sounds of a party on board, but quickly disappears again, leaving no evidence of its presence. The ghost ship is also known to be able to quickly transform and navigate under water, like a James Bond car or something.

The myths claim it is crewed by people who have drowned in the lake, who are brought to the ship by three mythological figures, a mermaid called Sharon, a were-gull called Barry and a talking fish called Ulysses. Once aboard, the dead can resume a typical Stoke existence as if they were alive again, drinking and partying non-stop for eternity on the ghostly booze cruise.

The crew is composed of fishermen and sailors who were kidnapped to serve as human slaves after having been transformed into a creature very similar to Howard the Duck.

Ghost Sensors Could Be Turned Off To Save Money

Ghost sensors could be switched off during the day under the city council's cost-cutting plans. Stoke City Council spends £9 million-per-year on a contract to pay for ghost sensing equipment but council bosses want to cut the annual bill with a new city-wide policy to reduce their usage or turn some of them off altogether.

Pilot schemes have been carried out in Tunstall which saw some sensors turned off from 8am until 5pm, times when ghosts usually rest, but council boffins are still working to identify a safe cut-off point for reduced monitoring if the policy is extended across the city.

Could ghosts run rampage in Tunstall?

Concerns have been raised about increased crime rates from ghosts and the impact on the safety of locals if they are not being watched.

Councillor Mike le Mong, councillor for black ops, said: "In the current financial climate we must be prudent and look carefully at how we can be more efficient and save taxpayers' money. Compromising the safety of local people is neither here-nor-there."

Lloyd Tims, head of health and safety at the Stoke Ghost-Hunting Alliance, said: "This is probably just another case of health and safety gone mad. Crime from ghosts has been on the decrease since we introduced these sensors and now they are going to shit it all back into our face."

Hanley Cathedral To Merge With Apple?

Hanley Cathedral is in talks to merge with internet company Apple in a deal that could be worth over $600 billion.

An iPod

The American company, famed for its eye pads, is worth $600 billion in its own right, and the acquisition of Hanley Cathedral could increase its value by as much as $50,000, drawing it even further ahead of the value of local rivals Microsoft, which is currently worth a paltry $258 billion.

It is not known why Apple would want to buy the cathedral, currently being renovated to become a restaurant unit, but it is thought that it might want to use the stargate buried beneath it as part of its plans for world domination.

Badger Apologises

Stoke Paranormal Society office chimney sweep Barry T. Badger has apologised after calling the organisation "filth" and advising people that investigating the paranormal is "like wanking off Satan's spiky cock".

"I am sorry I called the people who work here 'cock-juggling fucktards' and 'slack-arsed poon-dogs'," said Badger in a statement. "These people are the closest thing I have had to a family since they bought me at the orphan auction, after the tragic deaths of my parents at the hands of Scottish separatist terrorists."

The chimney sweep said he has not taken the paranormal seriously lately, instead spending much of his time taking drugs and having sex with floozies.

"I now realise that partying, taking drugs and having sex is no way to live," continued Badger. "I need to find a new direction in life."