BloodRayne

Intro: BloodRayne is a film version of the vampiric video game of the same name, directed by mad German director Uwe Boll and starring Kristanna (wrongly spelled as "Kristianna" on the front of the DVD cover) Loken as Rayne, with Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Matt Davis and Ben Kingsley. Their character's names are not important.

1 min: And we're off! The film opens with lots of gothic-style pictures, because this is set in THE PAST.

2 min: On the opening credits are the immortal words: "SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY BILLY ZANE". I'm excited already.

3 min: The film proper starts in a market place. A man with a big moustache smashes a bird to death with a blunt instrument.

4 min: Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Matt Davis enter a tavern. At the bar, Davis stabs a man in the heart. It's OK though, that random man turns out to be a vampire. No-one in the tavern seems that bothered.

5 min: At a carnival, we are introduced to Rayne, who is burned and cut by carnies for the amusement of onlookers. A carnie cuts a sheep's throat and gives the blood to Rayne to drink. Drinking the blood heals her wounds. Because SHE'S A VAMPIRE. It is noticeable that Rayne's hair is a different colour than on the DVD cover picture.

8 min: A man who looks like Freddie Ljungberg tells Ben "Sir Ben" Kingsley, who's wearing a ridiculous wig and is obviously doing this film for love and not money, that Rayne exists! She is "the little one" who slipped through his fingers.

10 min: A drunken carnie gets into the wagon where Rayne is kept prisoner to try and rape her. She bites him, escapes the wagon, then goes on a carnie killing spree.

11 min: Rayne is now in a forest, crying, regretting the killing spree. Because SHE'S GOOD.

14 min: InZANE in the membrane, inZANE in the brain! Yes, Billy Zane is making his special appearance, wearing a bad wig, as has been his custom over the years. Is he attempting an English accent? Yes, I think he is, though it's not entirely clear. It seems that he is Michelle Rodriguez's father(?). Uh-oh, he turns for no reason while thinking and we see bite marks on his neck. HE'S A VAMPIRE!

16 min: Still in the forest, Rayne interrupts a wagon-jacking by some vamps. She kills the vamps, drinks their blood, then tells the humans there that she only kills vampires. (Even though five minutes ago she killed a shit ton of carnies.) This is showing us the SHE'S GOOD, just in case we haven't figured it out yet.

18 min: Rayne arrives at a town, spotting some more vampires. They're everywhere it seems. She starts snogging a female vamp (?) but then bites her on the neck, killing her. Kristanna Loken also appears to be attempting an English accent. Badly.

19 min: Rayne goes to see a fortune teller who tells her she's part-human, part-vampire, just in case it wasn't clear to anyone watching the film. Apparently, Sir Ben, who is also her father (via rape), killed her mother, and is now "the most powerful vampire". Rayne says she'll kill him.

21 min: Rayne learns of an ancient talisman, called "the eye", which holds great power, and is sought after by Sir Ben. She nicks a horse.

24 min: After some shots of Rayne riding a horse through some countryside, she arrives at a monastery. "The eye" wouldn't be here by any chance would it?

26 min: A (for no obvious reason) deformed man guards where "the eye" is kept. Rayne dispatches him. She goes into a room and gets "the eye", which it turns out is an actual eye. As Rayne holds it, she absorbs it. I don't know how or why that happened.

29 min: The head monk explains to Rayne that the eye is part of an ancient super vampire, whose body was cut up in parts and separated after his death. If those parts are reunited, all hell will break loose etc.

31 min: Freddie Ljungberg attacks the monastery with a bunch of henchmen. The monks are fighting back with wooden poles against men/vampires with swords. They're getting battered until Madsen, Rodriguez and Davis show up! These fight scenes are pretty lame.

34 min: Ljungberg knocks Rayne out and takes her away on his horse. Rodriguez discovers some of the dead monks are from the secretive Brimstone Society, which she, Madsen and Davis are also a part of.

36 min: We cut back to Sir Ben, in his big castle, who kills a young maiden for no obvious reason, mainly to show that HE'S BAD, just in case you forgot that from when he appeared a while ago.

37 min: WTF? Meat Loaf is now in the film! He's lying down in a "lair", surrounded by naked women*, many of whom obviously have breast implants. Which lots of women had in the 1800s in Romania, obvs. Ljungberg brings Rayne in and drops her on the floor.

40 min: Meat Loaf likes the look of Rayne's eye, presumably the one which is now "the eye", and tries to cut it out. As he's doing this, Madsen & Co show up and kill him. Madsen takes Rayne while Freddie Ljungberg escapes.

46 min: After a flashback of Sir Ben killing Rayne's mother, Madsen decides he now trusts Rayne, and she can help him kill Sir Ben. Rodriguez and Davis still aren't sure about her.

48 min: We now get an obligatory training montage as the goodies train Rayne to fight properly. The montage is intercut with odd pearls of vague wisdom from Madsen such as "physical strength without control means nothing".

51 min: We now get to see Sir Ben in his big castle again. He appears to be sitting in a throne just staring blankly forward. For about 30 seconds. Meanwhile, Rayne decides to get it on with Davis, despite them having little-to-no interraction or chemistry together so far in the film, and we get to see Kristanna Loken's tits.

55 min: Sir Ben tells his troops to destroy Brimstone! Even though Brimstone appears to be a secret society of people who fight vampires, whose destruction would be quite difficult to quantify.

58 min: Freddie Ljungberg, Sir Ben's number two it seems, goes to see Billy Zane. He introduces himself by chucking a severed head on a table. Ljungberg wants to know the location of Brimstone. Again, I don't think the baddies (or the scriptwriter) understand the nature of a secret society of people.

61 min: The goodies go to see a butcher, who also happens to be an arms dealer on the side! Rayne gets some new swords and Davis gets some holy water, which the camera lingers on him getting. What's the betting that this bottle of holy water comes in handy later in the film?

63 min: A wounded man, lying on some ground for no explained reason, tells Rayne that Rodriguez "has turned" and joined the baddies. Rayne decides to set out on her own to get "the heart", another piece of that ancient vampire.

66 min: Rayne arrives at a town where dead bodies are strewn everywhere. One of the dead bodies has an arrow sticking out of it, just like the kind Michelle Rodriguez uses, just to show that she's gone a bit bad, just in case you missed the wounded man telling us that three minutes ago.

68 min: Rayne finds where "the heart" is located in a cave, but Rodriguez is already there with some henchmen she's acquired since we last saw her less than ten minutes ago when she was still hanging around with Rayne, Madsen and Davis. She tells the henchmen she wants the heart for her father, who is Billy Zane. Her English accent is especialy bad in this scene.

69 min: Rodriguez finds the heart at the bottom of a pool in the cave. Rayne shows up and we get a lame underwater fight. Rodriguez stabs Rayne, but as she gets out of the water, Rayne grabs her and bites her neck, killing her. Rayne takes "the heart". The henchmen are nowhere to be seen.

71 min: Rayne shows up at Sir Ben's castle, handing over a box containing "the heart" to some guards. She is then thrown in a cell. Rayne must have a plan of some sort because that was a stupid move.

72 min: Madsen and Davis show up at the castle and try to fight their way past the guards. They are captured almost immediately and also thrown in a cell.

74 min: Madsen tells Rayne about some ceremony where the baddies will cut "the eye" from her, which will also destroy her soul somehow. She tells Madsen she wil never give up fighting, as music stirs up in the background.

75 min: As Rayne is taken away to Sir Ben for the ceremony, Madsen and Davis trick an idiot guard into opening their cell door. They beat him and escape.

77 min: As Rayne is tied to a ceremonial table, Madsen and Davis show up. Sir Ben opens the box to discover that "the heart" isn't there.

78 min: Rayne is freed and we get to see a load of quite mediocre sword fights.

79 min: Madsen is held by two henchmen and Sir Ben walks over and stabs him in the heart. Davis, meanwhile, gets stabbed by Freddie Ljungberg, but still has enough strength to cut Ljungberg's throat open.

80 min: Guess what? Only Rayne and Sir Ben are left standing. Who'd have predicted that?

81 min: We're now getting some sword fighting interspersed with exposition, i.e. "You condemned me the day you raped my mother" etc. No! Sir Ben stabs Rayne in the shoulder and pins her down! Surely this is curtains for her? No, Davis chucks that bottle of holy water at Sir Ben. He catches it but Davis fires an arrow at the bottle, which breaks it and sprays holy water all over Sir Ben.

82 min: As Sir Ben overacts on the floor from the burning inflicted by the holy water, Rayne stabs him in the heart with an arrow, but not before she has another flashback of Sir Ben killing her mother, just in case you'd forgotten why she wants to kill him in the first place.

83 min: Madsen and Davis are still alive, somehow. No wait, Madsen stayed alive long enough just to see Rayne kill Sir Ben, then he dies. Rayne goes to hold Davis, but he then dies too.

84 min: Rayne gets up and goes to sit on Sir Ben's throne, staring forward blankly (for no reason) like he did earlier. I guess this means she's now the most powerful vampire or something. The End.

* I later discovered that these women are real prostitutes and not actors. Yes, really.

Additional Info: Looking on Wikipedia after writing the above, it seems the version of the film I saw differs slightly from the version described there, especially the ending, which is largely the same but with some slight differences. (Either that, or the person who wrote the "plot" summary on Wikipedia just ballsed it up.) There does appear to be two cuts of the film, I don't know which version the one I saw was; I think it's the directors cut as the ending seems darker and more graphic than that described on Wikipedia, which I assume to be the theatrical cut. The best quote on Wikipedia about this film is: "Steve Chupnick of the Latino Review gave the film a B rating, saying that although it was not a good film it was far from the worst he's seen and mentioned the Kristanna Loken nude scene as something in the films favor."

Summary: This is one hell of a terrible movie. Read all of the above again if it wasn't obvious.

Rating: 1/5