Vampire Corpse Found In Tunstall?

Amateur grave robbers believe they have found the remains of a female vampire in Tunstall - buried with corks on her teeth to prevent her biting people if/when she resurrects!

Phil Slapper, a media studies lecturer at Staffordshire University and vampire enthusiast who has seen every episode of 'The Vampire Diaries' on ITV2, said that the discovery in a tomb at Tunstall Cemetary is the first time that grave robbers have succeeded in finding a vampire. "This is the first time that grave robbers have succeeded in finding a vampire," he said. "As far as I'm concerned, as an academic, this proves the existence of vampires. And I think I speak on behalf of Staffordshire University when I say that."

The skeleton was unearthed by body snatchers Derek Tingle and Dave Link, who were later given another dead body as replacement for the corpse that they would have had if the one they'd stolen originally hadn't turned out to have (possibly) been a vampire.

Some vampires

"It's possible that other corpses have been found with corks on their teeth, but this is the first time anyone has told me about it," said Mr Slapper.

The skeleton was tied down with iron clamps and had a giant clothes peg drilled through where the woman's heart would have been.

Traffic warden and amateur paranormal debunker Dick Mellor is skeptical about the find. Writing in Stoke Skeptic magazine, he argued: "You mark my words, this will turn out not to be a real vampire. It will just be some oldentime skank who was killed and buried by religious nuts 'cus she liked to party hard, like it always is in these cases. If this is a real vampire, I will gladly suck the balls of every man in Stoke."

While legends about vampires date back thousands of years, the modern figure of the vampire was invented by Francis Ford Coppola in his 1992 film 'Bram Stoker's Dracula'. The film was later novelised by Fred Saberhagen, if you'd like to read a book version of the Dracula myth.

The Blurton Triangle

The "Blurton Triangle" is an area located off the southern edge of Stoke, which is noted for its high incidence of unexplained disappearances of vehicles and aircraft. The apexes of the triangle are generally believed to be the desert wastelands between Blurton, Stone and Uttoxeter.

The UK government does not recognise the Blurton Triangle as an official name and does not believe the Bermuda Triangle exists. Stoke City Council does however, and has made sure the area is heavily signposted.

Since the days of early civilization many thousands of people, camels, vehicles and aircraft have diappeared in the Blurton Triangle due to navigational and other human errors, storms, piracy, fires, and structural/mechanical failures. Often, there were no living witnesses to the disappearance or crash, and hence the exact cause of the loss and the location of the lost vehicle or aircraft is unknown.

 The area is one of the most heavily travelled flight paths in the world, with planes crossing over it daily to and from Stoke Airport, other airports in the UK and RAF Trentham.

A significant factor with regard to missing vehicles in the Blurton Triangle are the desert sand or dust storms. They are extremely swift and turbulent and can quickly erase evidence of a disaster. Prior to the development of telegraph, radio and radar, people did not know a storm was nearby until it appeared on the horizon. Sudden local storms can sometimes spell disaster for local "sand people" or air crews.

A typical sand storm in the Trentham Desert

It has been claimed that the Blurton Triangle is one of the two places on earth at which a magnetic compass points towards true north. Normally a compass will point toward magnetic north. The difference between the two is known as compass variation. The amount of variation changes by as much as 60 degrees at various locations around the World. If this compass variation or error is not compensated for, navigators can find themselves far off course and in deep shit.

Popular culture has attributed disappearances in the Triangle to paranormal reasons such as alien activity.

Crop Circle Study

In 1998, the Paul Brown Crop Circles Foundation awarded a grant of £2 million to Professor Nigel Gak of Stoke College to research crop circles. Gak, who rose to fame for inventing the word "Henmania" earlier in the decade, and is not a real professor but insists on using the title, was to study crop circles to determine their origin. He also claims to have gone undercover into several groups who were creating man-made circles.

Gak says he studied all the crop circles found in Stoke from 1998 to 2000. He concluded that 50% of all the circles he studied were definitely man-made. Gak could not account for the remaining 50%, saying they were caused by undetermined phenomena.



Professor Nigel Gak



Gak's figures have been disputed by the Stoke City Council, who argued that the "professor" had done no work and just made up the figures. "It's a bit too much of a coincidence that it works out at exactly 50-50," said Councillor Steve Krabz in 2002. "And he won't show us his research or working out."

The Stoke Paranormal Society tried to contact Gak at his log cabin at Lake Burslem but he refused to comment.

Stoke Ready For Summer Solstice

Pagans, hippies, witches, Wiccans and regular salt-of-the-Earth Stokies are ready for this years summer solstice with the ceremonial burning down of Stockton Brook Town Hall, an event held every year at the beginning of the summer festivities.

While many people will be going to Stokehenge for the naked celebrations held there, Stokies in the rest of the city will be starting fires and burning effigies of their enemies as a sacrifice to the Sun God, as a thank you for the summer season.

Stokehenge

City councillor Den Dateline expects the city to be busy. "We have used a big complex formula, which is all in our heads, and we expect around 4 million people to come to Stoke for the celebrations. We reckon the average person will eat 3 oatcakes, so we've ordered 12 million oatcakes from local producers. The centrepiece will be the burning of a giant wicker Peter Crouch in the city centre, as he has been voted Stoke's man of the year."

The summer solstice occurs when the Earth's axial tilt is most inclined towards the sun, something not lost on most Stokies. This occurs every year between 20 and 22 June, depending on the shift of the calendar.

Remains Of St Francis Of Assisi Found In Stoke?

Stokies have uncovered new evidence that mysterious remains found in a 13th century monastery in Stoke belong to St Francis of Assisi.

The remains - small fragments of a skull, an arm and a right hand, all of which St Francis was said to have when he died - were discovered embedded in an altar in the ruins of an ancient monastery at Chops Manor, in Werrington.

Local archaeologists had found a small box made of cardboard close to the monastery sarcophagus. The box bore writing in English that referred to "Frank" and the date that Christians celebrate St Francis's death, 03 October.

What Brett Anderson of Suede
would look like bald

The right hand found is that which the saint allegedly butchered innocent women and children with when he was at war in 1201. Several other places of worship, including a Texan Orthodox community centre in Dallas, have previously claimed to have "the butcher's hand". Many sites around the world claim to hold relics of the saint, including St Chav's Cathedral in Serbia which says it has his head, wrists and penis.

Employees of Staffordshire University analysed the DNA  and counted the number of rings inside of the bones discovered at Chops Manor, before letting their dogs have them, finding that they came from a single individual, probably a man, or possibly a woman, which wouldn't rule out St Francis.

"We were surprised when the dating process we used produced this very early age," said media studies lecturer Derek Burgess, who led the study. "We had suspected that the bones may have been more recent than this, perhaps from the 1960s or 1970s. The result from the hand bone is clearly consistent with someone who lived in the 13th century AD. Whether that person is St Francis of Assisi is a question that we cannot yet definitely answer and probably never will. Though if anyone on the street were to ask me, I would say: 'Yes, it's him alright!'"

The findings of local novelist Gill Ramsbottom, using secret codes she found in religious text 'The Da Vinci Code', suggest that the monastery at Chops Manor may have received a portion of St Francis's relics in the fifteenth or early sixteenth centuries from a travelling Russian circus.

Two famous liars

St Francis, who made the history books when he became the first person ever to receive the stagmata, a record still listed in the Guiness Book of World Records to this very day, was a noted liar and fantasist who believed himself to be a Christ figure for his age. He also made up many stories about his own greatness including visitations from angels, conversing with wolves and converting prominent Muslims on their deathbeds, all without a single shred of evidence. He was pronounced a saint by Pope Gregory IX in 1228, 2 years after his death.

Bigfoot vs Paul Brown

On 14 February 1984, Paul Brown, Managing Director of the Paul Brown Bigfoot Foundation, was a guest on the Sam Plank Signal Radio Paranormal Hour and announced that he was about to undertake an expedition into Central Forest Park. "I am 100% sure that we will be able to capture a Bigfoot," he vowed.

Two weeks later, Brown phoned the same radio show from inside the park and declared that he had cornered a Bigfoot in a cave and was arranging a big net with which to catch it.

Brown spoke to Sam Plank again a few days later and said that there was no Bigfoot. "It was just a drunken spaz dressed as Chewbacca," he explained. "Unfortunately, the man died in the struggle." The hunt continued, sadly without capturing a Bigfoot.

Fegg Hayes Yeti 600,000 Years Old, Says Staffordshire University Study

The Fegg Hayes Yeti is a much older species than previously thought and probably emerged as Stoke's top land predator about 600,000 years ago, a study at Staffordshire University has found. The news has come as a surprise to the residents of Fegg Hayes, whose elders have previously sung folk ballads of the Yeti being only 150,000 years old.

The students and professors estimate that the last common ancestor of gorillas and Yeti lived between 338,000 and 934,000 years ago. The most likely date, however, was about 600,000 years ago, said Phil Helpline of the Accounting and Business Studies department of Staffordshire University, a real numbers man who probably knows his stuff.

In recent years there have been several reports of sexual encounters between Yetis and gorillas resulting in fertile offspring. Mr Helpline said this could be explained by something similar happening about 150,000 years ago, when female gorillas mated with male Yetis resulting in fertile female offspring that "back-crossed" with pure-bred male gorillas, carrying their DNA with them.

"Yetis and gorillas hybridised about 150,000 years ago and then backcrossed into the main gorilla population. We tried to mate a Yeti with a gorilla in a room in the Cadman Centre, but it didn't take. I think the fact we were all standing around with cameras, cigars and beers may have put them off," Mr Helpline said.

BloodRayne

Intro: BloodRayne is a film version of the vampiric video game of the same name, directed by mad German director Uwe Boll and starring Kristanna (wrongly spelled as "Kristianna" on the front of the DVD cover) Loken as Rayne, with Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Matt Davis and Ben Kingsley. Their character's names are not important.

1 min: And we're off! The film opens with lots of gothic-style pictures, because this is set in THE PAST.

2 min: On the opening credits are the immortal words: "SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY BILLY ZANE". I'm excited already.

3 min: The film proper starts in a market place. A man with a big moustache smashes a bird to death with a blunt instrument.

4 min: Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Matt Davis enter a tavern. At the bar, Davis stabs a man in the heart. It's OK though, that random man turns out to be a vampire. No-one in the tavern seems that bothered.

5 min: At a carnival, we are introduced to Rayne, who is burned and cut by carnies for the amusement of onlookers. A carnie cuts a sheep's throat and gives the blood to Rayne to drink. Drinking the blood heals her wounds. Because SHE'S A VAMPIRE. It is noticeable that Rayne's hair is a different colour than on the DVD cover picture.

8 min: A man who looks like Freddie Ljungberg tells Ben "Sir Ben" Kingsley, who's wearing a ridiculous wig and is obviously doing this film for love and not money, that Rayne exists! She is "the little one" who slipped through his fingers.

10 min: A drunken carnie gets into the wagon where Rayne is kept prisoner to try and rape her. She bites him, escapes the wagon, then goes on a carnie killing spree.

11 min: Rayne is now in a forest, crying, regretting the killing spree. Because SHE'S GOOD.

14 min: InZANE in the membrane, inZANE in the brain! Yes, Billy Zane is making his special appearance, wearing a bad wig, as has been his custom over the years. Is he attempting an English accent? Yes, I think he is, though it's not entirely clear. It seems that he is Michelle Rodriguez's father(?). Uh-oh, he turns for no reason while thinking and we see bite marks on his neck. HE'S A VAMPIRE!

16 min: Still in the forest, Rayne interrupts a wagon-jacking by some vamps. She kills the vamps, drinks their blood, then tells the humans there that she only kills vampires. (Even though five minutes ago she killed a shit ton of carnies.) This is showing us the SHE'S GOOD, just in case we haven't figured it out yet.

18 min: Rayne arrives at a town, spotting some more vampires. They're everywhere it seems. She starts snogging a female vamp (?) but then bites her on the neck, killing her. Kristanna Loken also appears to be attempting an English accent. Badly.

19 min: Rayne goes to see a fortune teller who tells her she's part-human, part-vampire, just in case it wasn't clear to anyone watching the film. Apparently, Sir Ben, who is also her father (via rape), killed her mother, and is now "the most powerful vampire". Rayne says she'll kill him.

21 min: Rayne learns of an ancient talisman, called "the eye", which holds great power, and is sought after by Sir Ben. She nicks a horse.

24 min: After some shots of Rayne riding a horse through some countryside, she arrives at a monastery. "The eye" wouldn't be here by any chance would it?

26 min: A (for no obvious reason) deformed man guards where "the eye" is kept. Rayne dispatches him. She goes into a room and gets "the eye", which it turns out is an actual eye. As Rayne holds it, she absorbs it. I don't know how or why that happened.

29 min: The head monk explains to Rayne that the eye is part of an ancient super vampire, whose body was cut up in parts and separated after his death. If those parts are reunited, all hell will break loose etc.

31 min: Freddie Ljungberg attacks the monastery with a bunch of henchmen. The monks are fighting back with wooden poles against men/vampires with swords. They're getting battered until Madsen, Rodriguez and Davis show up! These fight scenes are pretty lame.

34 min: Ljungberg knocks Rayne out and takes her away on his horse. Rodriguez discovers some of the dead monks are from the secretive Brimstone Society, which she, Madsen and Davis are also a part of.

36 min: We cut back to Sir Ben, in his big castle, who kills a young maiden for no obvious reason, mainly to show that HE'S BAD, just in case you forgot that from when he appeared a while ago.

37 min: WTF? Meat Loaf is now in the film! He's lying down in a "lair", surrounded by naked women*, many of whom obviously have breast implants. Which lots of women had in the 1800s in Romania, obvs. Ljungberg brings Rayne in and drops her on the floor.

40 min: Meat Loaf likes the look of Rayne's eye, presumably the one which is now "the eye", and tries to cut it out. As he's doing this, Madsen & Co show up and kill him. Madsen takes Rayne while Freddie Ljungberg escapes.

46 min: After a flashback of Sir Ben killing Rayne's mother, Madsen decides he now trusts Rayne, and she can help him kill Sir Ben. Rodriguez and Davis still aren't sure about her.

48 min: We now get an obligatory training montage as the goodies train Rayne to fight properly. The montage is intercut with odd pearls of vague wisdom from Madsen such as "physical strength without control means nothing".

51 min: We now get to see Sir Ben in his big castle again. He appears to be sitting in a throne just staring blankly forward. For about 30 seconds. Meanwhile, Rayne decides to get it on with Davis, despite them having little-to-no interraction or chemistry together so far in the film, and we get to see Kristanna Loken's tits.

55 min: Sir Ben tells his troops to destroy Brimstone! Even though Brimstone appears to be a secret society of people who fight vampires, whose destruction would be quite difficult to quantify.

58 min: Freddie Ljungberg, Sir Ben's number two it seems, goes to see Billy Zane. He introduces himself by chucking a severed head on a table. Ljungberg wants to know the location of Brimstone. Again, I don't think the baddies (or the scriptwriter) understand the nature of a secret society of people.

61 min: The goodies go to see a butcher, who also happens to be an arms dealer on the side! Rayne gets some new swords and Davis gets some holy water, which the camera lingers on him getting. What's the betting that this bottle of holy water comes in handy later in the film?

63 min: A wounded man, lying on some ground for no explained reason, tells Rayne that Rodriguez "has turned" and joined the baddies. Rayne decides to set out on her own to get "the heart", another piece of that ancient vampire.

66 min: Rayne arrives at a town where dead bodies are strewn everywhere. One of the dead bodies has an arrow sticking out of it, just like the kind Michelle Rodriguez uses, just to show that she's gone a bit bad, just in case you missed the wounded man telling us that three minutes ago.

68 min: Rayne finds where "the heart" is located in a cave, but Rodriguez is already there with some henchmen she's acquired since we last saw her less than ten minutes ago when she was still hanging around with Rayne, Madsen and Davis. She tells the henchmen she wants the heart for her father, who is Billy Zane. Her English accent is especialy bad in this scene.

69 min: Rodriguez finds the heart at the bottom of a pool in the cave. Rayne shows up and we get a lame underwater fight. Rodriguez stabs Rayne, but as she gets out of the water, Rayne grabs her and bites her neck, killing her. Rayne takes "the heart". The henchmen are nowhere to be seen.

71 min: Rayne shows up at Sir Ben's castle, handing over a box containing "the heart" to some guards. She is then thrown in a cell. Rayne must have a plan of some sort because that was a stupid move.

72 min: Madsen and Davis show up at the castle and try to fight their way past the guards. They are captured almost immediately and also thrown in a cell.

74 min: Madsen tells Rayne about some ceremony where the baddies will cut "the eye" from her, which will also destroy her soul somehow. She tells Madsen she wil never give up fighting, as music stirs up in the background.

75 min: As Rayne is taken away to Sir Ben for the ceremony, Madsen and Davis trick an idiot guard into opening their cell door. They beat him and escape.

77 min: As Rayne is tied to a ceremonial table, Madsen and Davis show up. Sir Ben opens the box to discover that "the heart" isn't there.

78 min: Rayne is freed and we get to see a load of quite mediocre sword fights.

79 min: Madsen is held by two henchmen and Sir Ben walks over and stabs him in the heart. Davis, meanwhile, gets stabbed by Freddie Ljungberg, but still has enough strength to cut Ljungberg's throat open.

80 min: Guess what? Only Rayne and Sir Ben are left standing. Who'd have predicted that?

81 min: We're now getting some sword fighting interspersed with exposition, i.e. "You condemned me the day you raped my mother" etc. No! Sir Ben stabs Rayne in the shoulder and pins her down! Surely this is curtains for her? No, Davis chucks that bottle of holy water at Sir Ben. He catches it but Davis fires an arrow at the bottle, which breaks it and sprays holy water all over Sir Ben.

82 min: As Sir Ben overacts on the floor from the burning inflicted by the holy water, Rayne stabs him in the heart with an arrow, but not before she has another flashback of Sir Ben killing her mother, just in case you'd forgotten why she wants to kill him in the first place.

83 min: Madsen and Davis are still alive, somehow. No wait, Madsen stayed alive long enough just to see Rayne kill Sir Ben, then he dies. Rayne goes to hold Davis, but he then dies too.

84 min: Rayne gets up and goes to sit on Sir Ben's throne, staring forward blankly (for no reason) like he did earlier. I guess this means she's now the most powerful vampire or something. The End.

* I later discovered that these women are real prostitutes and not actors. Yes, really.

Additional Info: Looking on Wikipedia after writing the above, it seems the version of the film I saw differs slightly from the version described there, especially the ending, which is largely the same but with some slight differences. (Either that, or the person who wrote the "plot" summary on Wikipedia just ballsed it up.) There does appear to be two cuts of the film, I don't know which version the one I saw was; I think it's the directors cut as the ending seems darker and more graphic than that described on Wikipedia, which I assume to be the theatrical cut. The best quote on Wikipedia about this film is: "Steve Chupnick of the Latino Review gave the film a B rating, saying that although it was not a good film it was far from the worst he's seen and mentioned the Kristanna Loken nude scene as something in the films favor."

Summary: This is one hell of a terrible movie. Read all of the above again if it wasn't obvious.

Rating: 1/5

The Beast Of Norton

The latest tales of a big cat said to be roaming around Norton have prompted yet more people to come forward.

This week, a reader who wishes to remain anonymous, but I will tell you that his e-mail address is davesmith@hotmail.com, reveals the moment he believes he saw the mystery big cat in Norton, known as the 'Beast of Norton le Moors'. "A couple of weeks ago I paid a visit to a friend of mine who was dogging at the old haunted gold mine. At the swan pond I could see something in the reeds drinking from the water. I stood and watched for a couple of minutes what I'm 100 per cent sure was a panther as it licked its own balls. It then walked across the bank and disappeared through the bushes and out of sight into the adjoining olive grove. I pulled my pants up but didn't have time to take a photo. In no way could this have been a dog of any sort. Unless you can get dogs that look like cats. And it couldn't have been a human person dressed like a cat because humans can't lick their balls as easily as what I saw this cat do with unholy relish."

Marlene Cabbage owns the old abandoned gold mine, she said: "I think it's unlikely that there could be a big cat in the area as I have never seen anything. We do have a black Alsatian which likes to lick its own balls – it may have been that which was seen."

Paranormal Investigator In Benefit Fraud

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex swindled £147,500 by fraudulently claiming benefits on his Stoke-on-Trent home – while he was working as a private paranormal investigator in the nearby Staffordshire Moorlands town of Leek!

The dwarf pleaded guilty to three counts of failing to notify the authorities about changes to his working status at Fenton Magistrates Court yesterday. Prosecutor Pete Krabbs said: "The amount of money involved is £147,500, which might not be much to the hoity-toity people of Leek, but in Stoke, you could quite literally buy a castle with that many clams."

Mick Wessex

Stoke City Council is taking steps to recover that by taking weekly deductions from Mr Wessex's benefits. Mr Wessex was in receipt of pension credits, disability living allowance, council tax, housing benefit, income support and jobseeker’s allowance. £1 will be deducted each week until the £147,500 is paid in full.

The court heard Mr Wessex suffers with back pain caused by an assault outside of The Ca$hino at Festival Park, and he hoped the warmer climate of Leek could help alleviate the condition.

He was sentenced to serve one week on death row at HMP Werrington to be followed by 100 hours of community service. He must also pay £10 towards prosecution costs at a rate of £0.50 per week.

A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

Intro: The first of many sequels to the original, 'A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge' is not considered one of the best films in the series, but that doesn't mean it's not a classic of sorts...

1 min: No messing about, straight onto a bus full of teenagers. Hopefully, most of these will die.

3 min: Uh-oh, the bus driver has gone mental and taken the bus off road into the desert! Guess who the driver is?

6 min: Freddy has got 2 girls and 1 boy cornered at the back of the bus, but just as he's about to kill them... the boy [Jesse] wakes up in bed, covered in sweat. He's a real "sweater", it seems.

8 min: Jesse is with his family for breakfast. His little sister gets a toy in the cereal box... it's a packet of plastic-Freddy-knife-fingers! Never got anything like that in cereals when I was young.

9 min: Playing baseball in school, Jesse is hit on the head with the ball when he isn't looking. He then gets his trousers pulled down by rival/friend Grady and we get to see his arse.

10 min: Jesse and Grady start grappling on the floor, all while Jesse's arse is still hanging out. Coach Schneider breaks it up then tells them to "assume the position". We then see Coach Schneider in his office, smoking, while watching the boys doing push-ups.

L-R: Jesse, Grady

11 min: Grady tells Jesse that Coach Schneider "hangs around a few S&M joints down town... he likes pretty boys like you."

15 min: Jesse gets up at night, wanders around and sees Freddy in the basement putting stuff in a furnace. Freddy grabs Jesse and says: "You've got the body and I've got the brains." Freddy then pulls the top of his head off (thus showing his brain) just to prove his point. Jesse then wakes up in bed, covered in sweat. Again.

17 min: Jesse falls asleep in class. A snake then wraps itself around him. Phallic imagery or pointless attempt at a scare? No idea.

18 min: Jesse's "girlfriend" Lisa is in the pool at her house. Her mum shouts to her: "There's a Jesse on the phone."

Lisa

19 min: Jesse is cleaning his bedroom. He puts a disco-pop song on the stereo and dances around holding something wooden between his legs (yes, really). His mum and Lisa walk in.

20 min: Lisa helps Jesse clean his room. She asks him where 'jock itch' spray goes, then asks: "Do sweaters go in the closet?" In the closet is a board game called 'Probe'.

23 min: Jesse is in bed again. And sweating. Again. He gets up and sees Freddy's glove. Freddy says: "Go ahead Jesse, try it on for size."

27 min: Jesse and Grady are topless in the school changing room, talking about Coach Schneider. "Schneider has always got a stick up his ass," says Jesse, as Coach Schneider appears behind them.

28 min: Jesse and his family are in the lounge, when a budgie escapes its cage, flies around terrorising them before spontaneously combusting. Yes, you read that right.

31 min: Jesse wakes up at night, and goes out for a walk in the rain with his (open) pyjama top on, ending up at a club called 'Don's Place'. Inside are people dressed in leather and rubber, and cross-dressed men. Coach Schneider is there (in a leather vest) and grabs Jesse.

32 min: Jesse is doing laps of the gym as punishment, before Coach Schneider tells him to hit the shower. As Jesse showers, (an invisible) Freddy drags Coach to the showers, ties him up, rips off his leathers, and smacks his naked arse red raw with towels. Freddy then appears and slashes him up... no wait, it then cuts to Jesse standing there wearing Freddy's glove!

39 min: Jesse is in bed, sweating again. He opens a drawer to see Freddy's glove moving of its own accord. He goes to his sister's room where she is skipping and singing the "One, two, Freddy's coming for you" song. They shoehorn it into all the films in the series.

41 min: In the kitchen the next morning, Jesse's toaster spontaneously combusts. Wasn't even plugged in.

43 min: Jesse and Lisa go to an abandoned mill, where Freddy used to work, and where he killed the twenty kids he kidnapped. Jesse sees a closet randomly located in the middle of the mill. Inside is a rat.

50 min: Jesse is getting it on with Lisa... he's licking her tits when a big Freddy tongue pops out of his mouth. He then runs off to Grady, who's in bed.

53 min: Jesse says to Grady: "Something is trying to get inside my body." Grady responds: "Yeah, she's female... and you wanna sleep with me."

55 min: In Grady's bedroom, Freddy climbs out of Jesse's body and kills Grady. Jesse is then standing there with Frddy's glove on, covered in blood. He looks in the mirror and sees Freddy as his reflection.

60 min: Jesse says: "Freddy is inside me and wants to take my body."

63 min: Jesse is turning into Freddy again. We know this because all the fish in a nearby tank all get fried, before the tank explodes. Freddy goes after Lisa and bites her on the leg.

65 min: Lisa tries to stab Freddy but he appears to be made of wool. Lisa tells Freddy/Jesse she loves him. Freddy gets confused, then runs around the pool party outside, killing random teenagers. This is more like it.

68 min: Lisa's dad tries to shoot Freddy with a big gun, but Lisa knocks the gun so he misses. She knows killing Freddy will also kill Jesse. Freddy scarpers and Lisa gets in her car and drives to the old mil...

70 min: There are now dogs at the entrance to the mill. But dogs with human faces.

71 min: Maggots are now crawling out the wound on Lisa's leg where Freddy bit her earlier.

72 min: A rat appears, but Freddy has turned into a bigger rat and jumps down and eats the smaller rat. No idea why that happened.

73 min: Freddy has got Lisa cornered! "Jesse, I know you're in there... I love you!" she says. Freddy starts bleeding.

75 min: Lisa kisses Freddy, and the pipes around them set on fire. Freddy burns! And melts!

77 min: The fire goes out and Jesse climbs out of Freddy's burnt body. He hugs Lisa.

78 min: Jesse gets on the school bus, like at the start of the film. "I can't believe it's actually all over," Jesse says, looking pleased with himself.

79 min: Freddy's hand bursts out of the chest of the girl behind Jesse and Lisa on the bus. The bus speeds off into the desert. Again. The end.

Summary: This is perhaps the most bizarrely camp/gay horror film ever made, and one of the funniest. It's kind of like the 'Top Gun' of horror, but better. Further films in the series make no reference back to this one, indicating that perhaps the producers thought after it came out that it wasn't much good, but for my money, this is probably the most entertaining 'Nightmare' film, if not for the right reasons. The spontaneously combusting budgie is the real highlight.

Rating: 1/5 (as a horror film), 5/5 (as a comedy)