BNP Councillor Wants To Colonise The Moon

Local BNP councillor Dave Bender wants to build a permanent colony on the moon and, if his dream is fully realised, the benefits to Stoke's economy could be huge.

The mayoral candidate has repeatedly defended his party's goal to establish a "permanent lunar colony on the moon" by the end of his second-term as mayor - if he is elected. Councillor Bender said he wants to eventually turn the moon into a bustling tourist destination, and hopes to use it for commercial purposes, including a theme park and massage parlour - both staffed by Stokies.

The BNP's planned moonbase

"I do not want us be the country that invented everything first, including the idea of space travel, but then turned around and said, 'It doesn't really matter, let the Russkies, Chinkies and the Yanks dominate space, what do we care?' I think that is a path of national decline, and I am for Britain being a great country, not a country with knob rot," Bender said at a BNP meeting in Bentilee.

He also dismissed claims of hypocrisy given his party's stance on immigration. "There isn't anyone living on the moon, as far as I'm aware," Bender said. "And if there is, they would be better off under British rule, just like most of the world was when the Empire was in full swing. Fact."

New HMS Beagle To Be Built In Stoke?

A replica is to be built of the HMS Beagle, the boat made famous by Charles Darwin and the journey that led to him writing 'On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection'.

The HMS Beagle Project is currently looking for funding, then a port at which to build the ship.

http://www.hmsbeagleproject.org/

Could Stoke be the place where the ship is built? With the River Trent running through Stoke and its two canals, it would surely be an ideal place to undertake such a project. Some would say it would even be better than places like Portsmouth or Liverpool, especially local fishing expert Bill Spatz.

Bill Spatz

"This is just the kind of project that would be perfect for Stoke," said Bill at his press conference at Water World (at Festival Park). "The River Trent is as good as any river in the world. Fact. And with the links we have to other places via our extensive canal network, Stoke is the perfect place for this project. That is all."

Tory peer Lord Hankey, who also spoke at the press conference, is another leading local figure who supports the project. "We all know you can't trust scousers or southerners. Fact. So where better to build this ship than Stoke? Answer: nowhere. And I'm willing to lease land I own in Stoke to the ship-builders at very competitive rates. That is all."

Derby County 0-2 Stoke City

Plucky Endsleigh League kickball team Derby County met their match yesterday when they came up against local team Stoke City, known to English soccer fans as "the  FC Barcelona of the Midlands".

Derby County's training ground

Goals from Jerome Cameron and Roberto Huth gave the Stokies a deserved victory in this cup match at Derby's Baseball Ground. Stoke go through to the next round where they could face teams such as Stevenage, Liverpool or Real Madrid.

Pantos On Strike

Congratulations to Jonathan Wilkes on the recent successful run of his adult show 'Pantos on Strike' at the Regent Theatre in Hanley.

The show also featured innovative comedian Paddy McGuiness, known for selflessly helping his friend Peter Kay to become famous, and for his full head of natural hair.

I didn't see the show myself, I was busy every night it was on, but I read a review that used words such as "polished" and "without destroying the beloved formula [of panto]".

Staffordshire vs Derbyshire

Ahead of this weekend's football cup match between Stoke City (of the Premier League) and Derby County (of the Endsleigh league), I've been getting abusive correspondence from people in Derbyshire. Such as this e-mail from Billy Ray Cooter in Derby who wrote:

"How many people from Stoke does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the bulb then about ten more to go to the JobCentre to claim dole saying that they're looking for work as lightbulb changers. But they're not really, they're just claiming the dole. Ha ha ha."

Billy Ray is obviously having a dig at the workshy nature/high unemployment of people from Stoke. Well, Billy Ray, at least people from Staffordshire don't marry their brothers and sisters or get off with their Grandads! Yeah, I said it! You Derbyshire folk are a bunch of inbred rednecks! Have some of that! The shoe's on the other foot and eating humble pie now!

Miss Derbyshire 2011

Anyway, here's hoping for a fair match of association soccer this weekend. Which, hopefully, Derby won't win.

Gervais Cleared Over 'Stokies Look Like Mongs’ Jibe

Chubby southern comedian Ricky Gervais has been cleared by TV regulator Ofcom after using the word "mong" in relation to Stokies.

The tubby funster used the plural form of the word (i.e. "mongs") during a live comedy show, later broadcast by Channel 4, to describe what people from Stoke look like. The channel received literally some complaints, but these have been rejected by Ofcom.

Ofcom stated: "The show was prefaced by a warning that it would contain adult humour, and it did. Job done. Case closed. You didn’t have to carry on watching after that if you are easily offended. It's quite literally your own fault."

South Korean hip hop artist MC Mong

The word "mong" has long been viewed as a derogatory term. Dave Murray, Executive Media Director at the Cobridge Tourist Board, has blasted the decision by Ofcom. He told The Daily Oatcake: "We’re very disappointed with the decision. Not only is the word 'mong' deeply offensive, but this ruling indicates that you can say anything you want on TV, however offensive, as long as there’s a warning in front of the programme, which I don’t agree with. And, let’s face it, there are far worse people than Stokies he could have picked. Like people from Derbyshire or Birmingham, for example. They’re loads uglier than we are."

Notable People From Stoke

Anthea Turner

TV presenter. Once voted 15th worst Briton by Channel 4.

Bruno Brookes

Radio DJ. Real name: Trevor. Did Anthea Turner for a while in the 80s.

Frank Bough

Retired TV presenter, best known for having cocaine-fuelled romps with S&M prostitutes.

Harold Shipman

Serial killer, responsible for at least 218 deaths. Without doubt, he is Britain's gretest ever serial killer.

Hugh Dancy

Actor, appeared in 'Black Hawk Down' and 'Basic Instinct 2'. More impressively, he is married to Claire Danes! Yes, really!

Jonathan Wilkes

TV presenter. Actor. Musician. Entertainer. Star of musical theatre. Perhaps the most talented man in Stoke. Has had a top 24 hit in the British pop charts.

Wilkes with Robbie Williams

Kendo Nagasaki

Famous British wrestler. Real name: Peter Thornley.

Lemmy

Motorhead front man with a love for Nazi memorabilia. Has moles on his face. Was kicked out of Hawkwind after being arrested for drug possession.

Neil Morrissey

Actor, but best known for having an affair with Amanda Holden while she was married to Les Dennis! More amazingly, he also went out with Rachel Weisz!!!!!

He went out with Rachel Weisz???

Nick Hancock

TV presenter. Also appeared in two episodes of 'Mr Bean'. Is married to a foreigner.

Reginald Mitchell
Designer of the Spitfire plane, helping to win WW2 for the good guys. As such, is responsible for the deaths of lots of bad Johnny Foreigners!

Robbie Williams

Singer famed for hits like 'Rudebox', 'Morning Sun' and 'South of the Border'. Actor Max Beesley once described him by saying: "I've never met anybody less gay in my life."

Stanley Matthews

Legendary footballer, won the FA Cup while playing for Blackpool.

The darts players

Phil Taylor, 15 time world champion. Ted Hankey, 2 time world champion. Adrian Lewis, 2 time world champion. Need I say more?

Stoke Facts

Stoke's official motto is "agricola est in atrium", meaning "the farmer is in the hall".

Stoke is governed by a Council of Elders, consisting of an elder from each of the "seven towns".

The official religion of Stoke is Rasta.

Stoke has its own legal system, though it's rarely used nowadays. Juries can return a verdict of guilty, very guilty and probably guilty.

Stoke's official flower is the Urtica dioica, better known as the stinging nettle.

People from Stoke are called "Stokies" or "Pot Herbs".

The Bank of Stoke, founded in 1694, is the oldest surviving bank in the UK. It prints bank notes featuring Stokies instead of the Queen, but they can only be spent in Stoke.

Stoke's official food is the hamburger.

"Welcome to Stoke!"

Stoke's official mascot is Hamburglar.

There are three languages recognised by Stoke City Council: English, Chinese and Wappo.

The official animal of Stoke is the British Bulldog, which Stoke City Council describe as "more patriotic than the Staffordshire Bull Terrier".

Famous literary authors from Stoke include Anthea Turner and Robbie Williams.

Notable inventions by Stokies include the knuckle duster, the push dagger and the snooker-ball-in-a-sock.

This Is Stoke

Located in the centre of England, between Birmingham and Manchester, Stoke shines brightly as a beacon to all around it. Today, it is known and respected worldwide and regarded as one of the most important cities in the county of Staffordshire. But did you know that Stoke was only created as a town in 1910?

Stoke's location in England

The area we now know as Stoke-on-Trent used to be a collection of warring villages and towns, of which Burslem (originally called Boslem) was the largest and roughest.

Calls for them to be amalgamated into one conurbation began as early as 1817 when local warlords heard rumours of invasion by people from local county rivals Derbyshire.

Administrative rationalisation didn’t begin though until 1857 when Hanley council won Shelton in a cards game; Shelton was merged into the borough of Hanley. In 1865 Longton conquered Long End to form an expanded borough of Longton. In 1874 the towns of Stoke, Penkhull and Boothen formed an alliance fearing an attack from Hanley or Longton and came together as the borough of Stoke-upon-Trent. Two other towns, Fenton and Tunstall, gained urban district status in the 1890s purely to spite each other. Fegg Hayes declared itself an independent republic in 1899.

In 1910 the rationalisation process was completed when the "seven towns" of Burslem, Hanley, Longton, Stoke, Fenton, Tunstall and Fegg Hayes were brought together to form the federated town of Stoke-on-Trent, the largest such amalgamation ever to occur in North Staffordshire.

King George V, multiple winner of 'beard of the year'

City status was granted in 1925 by King George V, known affectionately as "the boring king". Stoke’s application was originally refused by the Home Office, who believed the application to be a joke. King George found the application while looking in a bin for some stamps. He was so impressed with the stamps on Stoke’s application that he immediately granted it city status.

Stoke has expanded greatly over the years since the original seven towns joined together, and now has over 30 constituent parts, although no-one’s sure exactly how many as the City Council elders won’t tell anyone.

Stoke tried to declare itself independent from the UK in 1974 as a micronation, its citizens loyal to City Council elders rather than parliament or the Queen. Currency and stamps for the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent were issued briefly to locals before Stoke was invaded by the Royal Navy and its assets seized by the Inland Revenue. Council elders were publicly made to swear allegiance to Queen Elizabeth II and not themselves, and Stoke once again became a part of England and the UK.

Stoke has tried to expand in recent decades by trying to annexe neighbouring Newcastle-under-Lyme to the west, so far without success. Stoke and Newcastle have fought over other local areas over the years, particularly the key commuter town Kidsgrove and the gargoyle-filled town of Wolstanton, fights Newcastle have won. But as people in Stoke like to say: "Newcastle may have won those battles, but the war goes on!"

Coming Soon

It's apparent from the blog stats that we have an international readership, with people from the UK, USA, Russia, Germany, Canada, Denmark, Austria and Latvia regularly visiting. Clearly, those of you from outside of the UK may not be familiar with Stoke or its history; apparently the history of Stoke is not featured in international educational syllabuses, although I struggle to believe that.

So, coming soon, I will be filling you all in on the history of Stoke. I will be posting information and updating the "Stoke-on-Trent" page, the tab for which you can find at the top of the blog underneath the site title! Alternatively, click here:

 http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.com/p/stoke-on-trent.html

Welcome to Stoke!

Hankey Loses To Foreigner, Joins PDC

Local darts legend Ted Hankey has gone out of the BDO World Darts Championship at the semi-final stage after losing to some foreigner or other, which won't go down well with people in Stoke. Hankey's father, Lord Hankey of Bentilee, was also unimpressed after the match. "Bloody foreigners coming over here ruining our heritage events," said Lord Hankey after the semi-final. "How would they like it if I went over to their country and entered a clog-dancing event or an ethnic cleansing tournament or whatever it is that lot do over there. They wouldn't bloody allow it. We've gone soft in this country."

Hankey celebrated getting a new tattoo in 2009
by winning the World Championship

On a positive note, Ted has announced he will join the rival (and better) darts organisation, the PDC, where he will join other local darts legends such as Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis. Taylor has begged Hankey to join the PDC in the past saying: "Ted should show some bottle, come over and have a go. We're both Stokies and I want him to come over."

Molly Leigh

There is quite literally no-one in Stoke who doesn't know the legend of Molly Leigh. Born Margaret Leigh in Burslem in 1685, Molly (as she was known) was renowned for being very ugly, even by Stoke standards.  This led to her being shunned by the people of Burslem.

There were allegations from the start of her life; it's said that she had an adult mind and abilities from birth.  It was claimed that she was able to eat a sausage and cheese oatcake just a few hours after being born and that she refused to suckle from her mother's teet, choosing to suckle from animals instead.

Shunned by people in Burslem because of her deformities, she developed a vicious temper and trained a blackbird to become her companion.

A blackbird

Molly's parents died when she was young, so she earned her living by selling beer. She became a well-known, if unliked figure - a kind of contemporary Piers Morgan. Worse, she was constantly accused of watering down the beer she was selling, which is regarded as a very serious offence in Stoke!

Local religious leader Parson Rio Spencer, Rector of Saint Dwayne's Church in Burslem, accused her of of being a witch after falling ill from drinking some of Molly's beer. Molly died soon after, before she could be tried for being a witch.

Several days later, an angry mob, unhappy at missing a good witch trial, decided to storm Molly's cottage. The mob swear blind they saw Molly in the cottage knitting a hat for her blackbird!

Parson Spencer decided that the Christian thing to do was to get revenge for selling watered down beer, and so he decided to perform a rite to silence her ghost. He did this by opening up the grave, shoving her (still alive) blackbird in there for good measure and moved the grave, lying it in a north-south direction, as opposed to an east-west direction normal for Christian burials. Some locals also claim that a stake was driven through her heart and some comedy glasses put on her face.

Molly Leigh's grave in Burslem

Molly's legend lives on to this day. It is claimed that Molly will come back to life if you hop around her grave three times on your left leg while chanting "Molly Leigh, Molly Leigh, why did you sell such piss poor beer?"

Beware Sex Offender

Staffordshire Police are urging Stokies to be vigilant after reports on Friday night of a man in Cobridge flashing at passers-by from the front of his Vauxhall Nova. Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks has described the man as "a right pervy old bastard".

TV reports the story

I reported over Christmas the sighting of a ghost flasher in Packmoor. There's no indication that this flasher is a ghost, but you can never be too sure!

HS2 Will Ruin Lives Says Hankey's Father

The government's high-speed rail plans will ruin thousands of lives, according to Ted Hankey's father. Writing in The Spectator, Lord Hankey of Bentilee says that the HS2 network, which will eventually go past both sides of Stoke when the Birmingham-Manchester and Birmingham-Leeds sections are built, was supported "mainly by northern Labour commie MPs who relish the thought of destroying the beauty of Stoke's surrounding areas and The Peak District."

Lord Hankey of Bentilee

Tory peer Lord Hankey, currently in Surrey cheering on son Ted in the BDO World Darts Championship, says the need for HS2 could be bypassed by modern communications. He writes: "There is a perfectly good alternative, which would be much cheaper and faster to take effect, without destroying a bollocksload of countryside and ruining the lives of thousands of people in and around Stoke. Have they not heard of Skype and the internet? Everything is done online nowadays including having affairs and babies and stuff."

Massive Earthquake Hits Stoke

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Joy For Students, Despair For Ghosts

Students have welcomed the new Thistley Hough High School building, currently under construction in Penkhull.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Students-stamp-new-high-school-building-Stoke/story-14389931-detail/story.html

The new school building is the latest in a long line of local school refurbishments or new-builds. The good news is improved facilities for students. The bad news is that the current school building is said to be haunted and those ghosts will now have no-one to haunt!

Typical ghost

"It was Stoke City Council policy for many years to build schools on ancient burial grounds of any sort as the land was very cheap," explains local ghost expert Paul Brown, honorary chairman of The Paul Brown Ghost Club. "It meant saving money, but increased ghostly activity, which is the best of both possible worlds as far as I'm concerned. Moving schools to buildings that aren't haunted or built on burial grounds is just political correctness gone mad. And let's face it, none of these students are going to do anything in life anyway, so why waste the money on new buildings?"

Dick Mellor

Local cynic Dick Mellor is in favour of the trend for non-haunted schools. "Ghosts, if they exist, which they probably don't, are vermin, and should be treated as such," wrote Dick in his column in Stoke Skeptic magazine. "If we can't kill these rodents then let's at least move people away from them. They're ghastly creatures. I'd like to go and shoot them all in the face with a big gun. But a gun that kills ghosts."

Facts Of The Day: Ted Hankey

If you know only one thing about Stoke other than its paranormal history, it's probably that it is the world's number one darts hot spot. And with the BDO World Darts Championship having just started, here's your chance to get to know one of Stoke's biggest darts personalities, Ted Hankey.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Ted Hankey

(1) His full name is Theodore Percival Hankenstein.

(2) Has a third nipple tattoed on his chest.

(3) Once punched a tramp in self-defence.

(4) His darts nickname is "Ted Hankey, The Christmas Poo".

(5) Ted hones his skills in his spare time by throwing darts at people who walk past his house. "Hitting a moving target is harder than hitting a stationary one," he explains.

Starman Scandal!

Scottish "comedy" double act The Krankies are the last people you'd expect to see involved in a sex scandal.

Husband-and-wife double act The Krankies, yesterday

The pair, who sang the alien song 'Starman', later made famous when covered by David Bowie, have admitted to being swingers.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075996/The-Krankies-admit-secret-swingers-Not-fan-dabi-dozi.html

Hopefully, this won't lessen people's belief in the existence of real "starmen" (i.e. aliens). You can see The Krankies sing 'Starman' via the link below.

http://frizax.com/videos/starman-the-krankies/

Sieges End, Questions Remain

Stoke's two armed sieges have both come to an end. But the question remains: was there any supernatural involvement?

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Armed-sieges-come-peaceful-end/story-14354838-detail/story.html

I spoke to Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. He said he was "unable to disclose any details relating to these cases". I asked if the Police have ruled out supernatural involvement. "We are unable to comment on any line of enquiry," Barry replied, looking nervous.

In summary: COVER UP?

Second Siege In Stoke

You wait ages for an armed siege in Stoke then two come along at once.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Police-deal-second-siege-Stoke-Trent/story-14346014-detail/story.html

Could this be a case of multiple spirit possession? A sign that the end of days is coming? Or just a couple of mentals having a bad time of things? A colleague of mine, film critic David Murray (not to be confused with massage parlour regular Dave Murray as met in the 12 Ghosts of Christmas), suggested it could be that these men are being possessed by the spirit of Raoul Moat. Personally, I find that suggestion to be in bad taste. Too soon, dude, too soon. This isn't a time for joking or baseless conjecture.

What is for sure is that I won't rest until I get answers. Or until I get tired.

Supernatural Involvement In Siege?

A street in Shelton has been evacuated after a man in his 60s barricaded himself inside his house. Armed Police are at the scene.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Armed-siege-city-leads-evacuation-30-properties/story-14334909-detail/story.html

Using my years of experience, I would say that there could be several reasons for this type of behaviour:

- he's a bit/lot mental and needs help

- to keep monsters/spirits out of his house

- to keep monsters/spirits in his house

By my calculations, that means there's a 2/3 chance that this is a paranormal-related incident. I like those odds.

Adrian Lewis: I Believe!

Congratulations to Stoke's very own Adrian Lewis on winning his second PDC Darts World Championship earlier this week!

I'd like to take you back to November to an explosive interview with The Guardian newspaper. Lewis, Stoke's number two darts player (and by default the world's number two), revealed that he believes in ghosts and aliens!

"Don't tell the girlfriend"

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2011/nov/25/adrian-lewis-small-talk



Lewis also says that Stoke and world darts number one (and fellow stokie) Phil Taylor "probably" believes too, although his stance isn't representative of the whole darts world.

Amongst other revelations, Lewis says that darts should be an Olympic sport, that he likes "autobiographies but not books" and that he likes films like Top Gun. The man is fast becoming a legend.

12 Ghosts of Christmas (12)

Tunstall-based stalker Kevin Bevins got a taste of his own medicine when he discovered that he was being stalked himself! By a ghost!

Kevin: "I got night vision goggles for Christmas!"

"I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty annoying," said Kevin, when I spoke to him behind some wheelie bins near to a local High School. "It can really put you off your stroke when you've got a ghost staring at you."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (11)

Bucknall "jobseeker" Phil Maycock went to his local Post Office to cash his dead mother's pension only to find that she'd been cashing the money herself! Even though she'd died ten years ago to that very day.

Phil and Mum in happier times

Phil expressed his disappointment. "She would have wanted me to have her money. Fact. So I don't know how or why she's been cashing the money herself online. You can't take it with you. Mum needs to realise that. Skag is free in heaven. And hell."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (10)

Longton Castle is believed to be haunted by the 5th Earl of Longton, Steve Peach.

A typical road in Longton

Steve died in 1743 in an autoerotic asphyxiation accident involving a silk scarf, a banana, a potato sack and women's underclothing. His ghost is said to still roam the castle in a permanent state of arousal.