Crop Circle Study

In 1998, the Paul Brown Crop Circles Foundation awarded a grant of £2 million to Professor Nigel Gak of Stoke College to research crop circles. Gak, who rose to fame for inventing the word "Henmania" earlier in the decade, and is not a real professor but insists on using the title, was to study crop circles to determine their origin. He also claims to have gone undercover into several groups who were creating man-made circles.

Gak says he studied all the crop circles found in Stoke from 1998 to 2000. He concluded that 50% of all the circles he studied were definitely man-made. Gak could not account for the remaining 50%, saying they were caused by undetermined phenomena.



Professor Nigel Gak



Gak's figures have been disputed by the Stoke City Council, who argued that the "professor" had done no work and just made up the figures. "It's a bit too much of a coincidence that it works out at exactly 50-50," said Councillor Steve Krabz in 2002. "And he won't show us his research or working out."

The Stoke Paranormal Society tried to contact Gak at his log cabin at Lake Burslem but he refused to comment.

Bigfoot vs Paul Brown

On 14 February 1984, Paul Brown, Managing Director of the Paul Brown Bigfoot Foundation, was a guest on the Sam Plank Signal Radio Paranormal Hour and announced that he was about to undertake an expedition into Central Forest Park. "I am 100% sure that we will be able to capture a Bigfoot," he vowed.

Two weeks later, Brown phoned the same radio show from inside the park and declared that he had cornered a Bigfoot in a cave and was arranging a big net with which to catch it.

Brown spoke to Sam Plank again a few days later and said that there was no Bigfoot. "It was just a drunken spaz dressed as Chewbacca," he explained. "Unfortunately, the man died in the struggle." The hunt continued, sadly without capturing a Bigfoot.

RAF Trentham In UFO Gagging order

A senior military officer in Stoke has stepped into a growing row over a "gagging" order which restricts members of the armed forces from talking about UFOs with members of the public without the express permission of a government minister or a high profile right wing celebrity (such as Jeremy Clarkson), who has permission to speak on the government’s behalf.

The chief of RAF Trentham, General Barry Booth, insisted the advice was necessary, and was for reasons for national security. "This is in now way being done to cover up any secretive UFO programmes," he said. "Honest."

A UFO over Trentham

But local councillors, conspiracy theorists and UFO enthusiasts, including Paul Brown, general manager of both The Paul Brown Conspiracy Cabal and The Paul Brown UFO Club, say the RAF is trying to hide THE TRUTH. "Conspiracy theorists rely on being able to talk to people who claim to be in the military," says Brown. "We rely on these secretive people to tell us what is going on. I think these kinds of restrictions make the RAF look like a bunch of fucktarded cockpigs."

Local medium Crystal O’Future added: "This is an unwelcome change which will affect paranormal investigations of all kinds. No single government owns the RAF, it belongs to the people of this country. I didn’t die in two World Wars so the government could shit on my face like this. This seems like some sort of conspiracy. By the way, I’m talking about my past lives, just in case you’re wondering how I could have died twice before and still be alive."

In a statement to the Stoke Paranormal Society, General Booth said: "It is very important for RAF Trentham to maintain good relationships with UFO fans and conspiracy theorists, as they make up a good proportion of our local core fanbase. Along with idiot women with no imagination who like 'men in uniforms'. However, as is the case for any organisation, we are required to act in accordance with certain rules and to ensure we remain within established security guidelines. As such, the weekly Saturday night UFO theme parties we hold on our base will no longer be open to members of the public."

Stoke's Yeti Population Declines Due To Global Warming

There is rising concern among boffins that the big recent summertime retreats of snow and ice in the Fegg Hayes area of Stoke are already harming Yeti populations. That was one conclusion of the Paul Brown Yeti Group, a network of Yeti experts and academics who held a conference in Fegg Hayes last week to review the latest data on the population of Yetis in and around the mountain ranges of the Fegg Hayes area in northern Stoke.

The group, part of the International Union for Yeti Conservation, includes biologists, politicians, non-profit conservation organisations and celebrities such as local stars Jonathan Wilkes and Anthea Turner. At its last meeting, in 2005, the group concluded that the Yeti population was in decline.

The meeting was not without controversy. Mick Taylor, a Derbyshire expert who had attended the conferences for many years, told some reporters that he was banned for attending this year because he says that "global warming doesn't exist and, as such, cannot possibly have any affect on the Yeti population". But Paul Brown, the lifetime honorary chairman of the Paul Brown Yeti Group, gave an alternative reason for banning Taylor: "He's an idiot and he smells bad, really stinks up the meetings. And we're sick of his yokel Derby accent."

The Fegg Hayes-based group is pressing world governments for cuts in greenhouse-gas emissions and better efforts to control all forms of animal hunting, both legal and illegal.

There is a strong consensus that snow and ice levels in Stoke this summer will remain well below the average recorded for the last three decades and that there is no indication that a return to historical levels will occur. "The Yeti is fucked if this continues," commented Brown, but participating scientists concluded the conference on an optimistic note, saying they were "optimistic that human people can mitigate the effects of global warming and other threats to the Yeti, and ensure that they remain a part of the Stoke ecosystem in perpetuity."

Cynicism Over Tax Rises

Are we all paying more council tax in Stoke-on-Trent just to employ even more outside supernatural consultants? That's the suspicion of Stokies after next year's budget was agreed on Thursday.

There were heated protests in the chamber, but the main decisions had already been taken. There will be £24 million in cuts, including in children's and adult services, museums and care homes – and higher council taxes for all.

£3 million in capital funding will be used to 'redesign services' to help 'improve bigfoot attainment'. When asked recently whether this was to pay outside consultants, Conservative councillor Barry Telefunk responded: "There are things that the independent sector can do much more efficiently than the public sector can."

The council then announced a couple of late U-turns to their original budget proposals. With the threat of strike action by workers at Central Forest Park, home of bigfoot, the council decided against imposing wage cuts.

Councillor Telefunk has argued that: "Our aim has always been, and continues to be, to protect the most vulnerable!" – a claim prompting hollow laughter among those fighting the Conservative party's plans to re-legalise [bigfoot] hunting in the near future.

"We have the best paranormal investigators in England, and by default, the world," said local expert Paul Brown, Executive Receptionist at the Paul Brown Paranormal Centre. "For the council to piss away so much money on outside experts is a big load of hairy tits."

Bigfoot To Start "Popping Wheelies"?

It has been revealed that Stoke City Council is in talks about building a BMX track in Central Forest Park.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Bike-track-jewel-crown-park/story-15146709-detail/story.html

A group known as 'Friends of Central Forest Park' are behind the move, designed to bring more visitors to the area. It is unknown how much the project will cost, but is unlikely to be less then the £421,000 recently spent on the nearby skateboard plaza. Apropos of nothing, Stoke has one of the highest rates of unemployment of any town or city in England.

What Bigfoot on a BMX might look like

Not everyone is happy with the plan. "They might be Friends of Central Forest Park," said Bigfoot expert, and CEO of the Paul Brown Save Bigfoot Campaign, Paul Brown. "But they are no friends of mine. This can only harm the Bigfoot community living in the park, having to deal with bunches of stoned teenage BMXers every day. And it will do nothing for the smell of the area as well."

Local drug dealer Ken Confessor supports the BMX idea. "It'll bring much needed youngsters into the park. And if those local youngsters could actually afford to buy or own a bike, building this would have been an even better idea."

Hanley youngster Chubb Yale also favours the building of the track. "It's gonna be bangin', yeah," he said. "It'll be all cool an' shit, innit. Me, personally, I prefer the croquet, yeah, but there's not enough shit for da yoof to do around here, so I welcomes it, big time. Now what's a BMX?"

Central Forest Park Bigfoot

The Bigfoot is a large, non-human primate that is distributed over the Stoke region to varying degrees of concentration, but reported mainly in Central Forest Park in Hanley.

The average height for the Bigfoot is about 8 foot tall. Babies shortly after birth are small (and ugly!) by human standards, but grow rapidly and evidently walk at an early age. Aside from infants being carried, small walking adult Bigfoot, 3-4 foot tall, have been seen. These are thought to be the Bigfoot equivalent of midgets or dwarves. The animals reach maturity at a height of 6-7 foot and the largest are thought to exceed 10 foot in height.

 

The average Bigfoot can be estimated to weigh 650 lbs (about the same weight as the boy band Bad Boys Inc), and the maximum probably to exceed 1,000 lbs (Blazin' Squad).

Famous Bigfoot picture

The head, though much bigger to that of man, is relatively small for an animal of that size, indicative of a rather small brain, probably similar to a gorilla or a human retard. Some people have even compared Bigfoot’s head-to-body ratio as being similar to the Goombas from the film Super Mario Bros. On the head itself, there is a conspicuous brow ridge with a receding forehead, giving the eyes a deep-set look. A look which many people would describe as "shifty".

The shoulders are proportionately wider than those of modern man, more similar to a fat woman from the 1980s with extra large shoulder pads in her dress. Large Bigfoot have been described as having four to five foot wide shoulders. They are also barrel-chested; the circumference would be about 65 inches for the average-sized animal and well above 75 inches for the largest individuals that have been seen. That’s about the same circumference as a side window on a 1976 Vauxhall Viva.

The Bigfoot is covered with hair, with the colour of the hair ranging from black or dark brown through various shades of reddish-brown (i.e. ginger). A few albino Bigfoot have been seen, whose hair was white and skin was pink. Hair has been variously described as clean and shiny, fluffy, dirty, matted and even sometimes looking like ginger dreadlocks. Hairstyles similar to the human "mullet" is common; very short hair on the face; long hair across the top of the shoulders (once described as "like a small hairy cape"); long hair on the forearms; and long hair on the calves (like bellbottom trousers).

The Bigfoot generally carries itself at a forward angle of about 15 degrees. This means that the species has not achieved a full upright stance like humans, although at times the animals do stand up straight. They are reported to walk in the style of a "badass pimp".

Bigfoot stories were commonplace for the indigenous people of Stoke. The legends existed before a name had even been given to the creature. Different parts of Stoke had their own Bigfoot myths and legends. Similar stories of Bigfoot are found in all parts of Britain, except Wales. Bigfoot expert Paul Brown, captain of the Paul Brown Bigfoot Council, argues that most cultures have human-like giants in their folk history: "We have this need for some larger-than-life creature. Most countries have a Bigfoot myth. The Welsh have a Mechagodzilla myth. But don’t ask me why."
 

The local legends were combined together by journalist Dave Crunk in a series of articles for The Daily Oatcake newspaper in the 1890s. Each Stoke town had its own stories and names for its local Bigfoot myth. Many of the names meant something along the lines of "wild man beast" or "hairy bastard". Crunk coined the term Bigfoot, and used it in his articles to describe a single type of creature reflected in these various stories. Crunk's articles popularised both the legend and its new name, making it well known in Stoke first, before it gained popularity in the rest of Britain. Over the years, there has been many more reports of Bigfoot.

Joy For Students, Despair For Ghosts

Students have welcomed the new Thistley Hough High School building, currently under construction in Penkhull.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Students-stamp-new-high-school-building-Stoke/story-14389931-detail/story.html

The new school building is the latest in a long line of local school refurbishments or new-builds. The good news is improved facilities for students. The bad news is that the current school building is said to be haunted and those ghosts will now have no-one to haunt!

Typical ghost

"It was Stoke City Council policy for many years to build schools on ancient burial grounds of any sort as the land was very cheap," explains local ghost expert Paul Brown, honorary chairman of The Paul Brown Ghost Club. "It meant saving money, but increased ghostly activity, which is the best of both possible worlds as far as I'm concerned. Moving schools to buildings that aren't haunted or built on burial grounds is just political correctness gone mad. And let's face it, none of these students are going to do anything in life anyway, so why waste the money on new buildings?"

Dick Mellor

Local cynic Dick Mellor is in favour of the trend for non-haunted schools. "Ghosts, if they exist, which they probably don't, are vermin, and should be treated as such," wrote Dick in his column in Stoke Skeptic magazine. "If we can't kill these rodents then let's at least move people away from them. They're ghastly creatures. I'd like to go and shoot them all in the face with a big gun. But a gun that kills ghosts."

Crop Circles

The phenomenon of crop circles became widely known in Stoke in the late 1980s, after media reports of crop circles in Baddeley Green. To date, approximately 1000 crop circles have been discovered across Stoke, mainly along the eastern side of the city.

After publicity in the media, crop circle activity skyrockets. Each new design seems to be more complex than earlier ones. Today, crop circle designs have increased in complexity to the point where they have become an art form. Crop circle hoaxer Mike Parson, in an interview with Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Crop Circles Foundation), spoke about this change in crop circle designs.

"I am rather envious of circle-makers in other counties. Expectations about the size and complexity of formations that appear in Stoke are now very high, whereas the rather shabby looking Derbyshire crop circles made the national news. Even Wade Saggory, deputy general of Derbyshire County Council, was on the news banging on about it; 'There is no doubt that it was not man made... an unknown object definitely landed there.' If the same formation appeared in Stoke it would undoubtedly be virtually ignored by researchers and the media alike."

Most people in Stoke believe the circles are messages from alien life forms. Most scientists dispute this, claiming there is no evidence of alien involvement. The fact that many crop circles appear near to Stokehenge or the city’s stargates is what leads many to believe they are extraterrestrial in origin. Many hippies believe crop circles give off sexual energy, which is why you often see copulation at crop circle locations. Some people even claim to have seen UFOs or lights in the sky near to crop circle locations.

Among crop circle supporters was singer Michael Jackson who, prior to his death, argued that some circles displayed a level of weird that even he could barely comprehend it, let alone produce one in a field after dark with the help of a large group of children. Even Hispanic children, his favourite type, and the most hard-working.

The earliest recorded image claimed to be a crop circle is depicted in a 17th century Stoke pottery work called the Doulton Devil. The image shows the Devil cutting a phallic design in a field of nettles with a big sword. The pamphlet that comes with the pottery states that the farmer, disgusted at the high price of African slaves, insisted that he would rather make a deal with the Devil to complete the work than pay for the slaves.

Typical crop circle pattern

In 1976 one of the most famous accounts of UFO-related circles happened in Sneyd Green. A dandelion farmer said he witnessed a saucer-shaped craft rise 40 or 50 feet up from the swamp and then fly away. When he went to investigate the location where he thought the saucer had landed, he found the reeds had melted then solidified into a round tartan pattern on top of the water. The reeds could hold the weight of 10 dwarves.

Some farmers and land-owners have expressed concern at the damage caused to their land and crops by crop circles, although local response to the appearance of a crop circle can often be enthusiastic, with locals taking advantage of the tourist potential of circles. Past ventures have included bus or helicopter tours of circle sites, walking tours, t-shirts and porngraphic movies. Potential markets include scientists and crop circle researchers, individuals seeking a spiritual experience by praying to and communing with spirits, curious tourists and perverts.

Lake Burslem Monster: The History

The Lake Burslem Monster, sometimes called “Bursie” or “Bossie” is a creature reported to live in Lake Burslem. Burslem is located south of the mountainous Fegg Hayes area and north of the Forested area of Central Forest Park. Lake Burslem is around 12 miles long and 1 mile wide, and is more than 1000 feet deep and ice free.

The western edge of Lake Burslem

Bursie is one of the best-known mysteries in the world, though most mainstream scientists regard Bursie reports as hoaxes or misidentification of mundane creatures.

Some local researchers, included noted psychic Crystal O’Future and Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Bossie Foundation) postulate that there are no anomalous physical creatures within the lake. These researchers argue that many of the reported sightings must be attributed to hoaxes or misidentification of conventional creatures and objects because of the absence of physical evidence.

Most accounts of Bursie describe a creature resembling the long-extinct plesiosaur. Fossils of this creature show that it had a long neck, small head and flippers; most of the Bursie witnesses describe something similar. A gaping red mouth and horns or antennae on the top of the creature's head is often mentioned by witnesses. Bursie’s movements have been studied, and the films and photos analysed to determine what Bursie might be, if she exists. But some other sightings describe Bursie differently.

Theories as to the exact nature of the Lake Burslem Monster sightings are varied: misidentification of seals, fish, logs, mirages and light distortion, crossing of boat wakes, or unusual wave patterns. Very large octopus have also been found in Lake Burslem, and due to octopus’s size and unusual appearance, one could easily be mistaken for a monster by someone not familiar with it. Local paranormal expert and pikelet impresario Dave Munton argues that only a small residue of reported lake sightings could be paranormal or supernatural in nature. Munton, who has a conviction for sexual fraud, believes Bursie is a pan-dimensional time-traveller, here to warn us against the dangers of pollution, global warming and other similar issues. He does not give a reason why he believes that.

Some sheep near to Lake Burslem

Carvings have been found in caves near to the lake, believed to have been made almost 2000 years ago by the ancient inhabitants of Burslem. These carvings show an aquatic beast eating nudists who dared to venture too close to the lake. The earliest recorded literary reference is a diary by Italian Monk St Kevin of Palermo, who claimed in 532 AD that he fought off the monster when it attacked the naked young boys who were accompanying him on a journey. Critics have questioned the reliability of the source, noting a different story in which St Kevin slays a wild dragon by the power of his penis. They also point out that, according to his diaries, St Kevin encounters and conquers assorted monsters at various places in Europe throughout his life, always defeating them, often with the power of his penis or testicles. Additionally, it has been pointed out that the Lake Burslem Monster has few other reported instance of attacking anyone, and in fact is generally portrayed as shy and people-avoidant.

In around 1912, a new road was built on the northern shore of the lake, originally designed to allow tourists to access the Fegg Hayes Mountain Range. This new road provided easy access to unobstructed views of the water. Bursie sightings increased immediately and began to draw international attention.

The first modern sighting occurred in January 1913. The Daily Oatcake newspaper carried a story of Paul Sifter, who reportedly saw a massive monster thrashing about on the surface. The report of the "MONSTER!" (a headline chosen by the editor) became a media sensation with newspapers in London, who sent reporters and an elephant circus to Stoke, and offered a reward of 25 pounds for the capture and killing of the monster. In June that year, Phil Mycock claimed to have witnessed Bursie. Mycock, who would go on to die during World War I fighting for Bulgaria, described the creature as having its head set low in the water and opening and closing its mouth as if it was smoking an invisible cigar.

Roy Labrador, Pie Man

On 14 July 1986, competitive pie-eater Roy Labrador discovered a large crater in one of his fields in Trentham. Roy, who doesn't look like a dog but claims he can lick his own genitalia, is in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater. "I am in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater," he says. "It looked like someone had taken a large bite out of the pie that is my field. I didn't actually see or hear the UFO, but it is as clear as pie that one came down to steal some of my potatoes and turnips, perhaps to make a massive interstellar pie."

The event generated a lot of local press attention at the time. Headlines such as "Alien Pies From The Sky" were commonplace.

Roy Labrador, yesterday

Police officers present at the site gave a different explanation. "It was just an old mineshaft that collapsed," says police officer Barry Shanks. "It's as clear as doughnuts. I'm not involved in a cover-up. Honest."

Local UFO expert Paul Brown, chairman of the Paul Brown UFO Club, has a more detailed theory. "It was caused by the landing of a big flying saucer, 337 feet in diameter and weighing 450 tonnes, with a crew of 48 beings. It's as clear as sweets. It was probably a scout ship ahead of some sort of future alien invasion."