Vortex Opens In Bagnall

A portal to another dimension has been found in Gob Street in Bagnall, though members of the public have been advised to stay away.

"We start to find these things opening up more at this time of year," council health and safety inspector Nigel Garage said at the scene. "I'm no scientist, but I think the hot weather may weaken the fabric of the space-time continuum."

"I am a scientist," Dr Nick Legg, professor of science at Staffordshire University retorted. "To suggest that the fabric of the space-time continuum is weakened by hot weather is madness. This man knows nothing. Literally nothing."

"We don't know where this vortex goes or what it does, so it’s best just to ignore it and pretend like it's not there. It'll go away eventually," Mr Garage added. "They always do."

Crop Circle Convictions!

Two Stoke men, Nigel Neville and Phil Gaylord, have become the first people in Britain to be convicted of creating a crop circle. The pair, members of the choir at St Terry the Enforcer’s Church, created a 36 metre diameter crop circle in a sprout field near Bagnall. Discovered by Police working security at a nearby cockfight, they said in court that they were doing God’s work and only God could judge them.

Nigel and Phil outside Fenton Magistrates Court

This attitude did not go down well with presiding Judge Blairs, who sentenced the pair to 5 years hard labour. Judge Blairs, who fought for General Franco in the Spanish Civil War, plans on spending his retirement by watching Britney Spears videos.