Global Warming Caused By Dragons, Says UKIP

Any warming of the Earth is caused by fire breathing dragons and is not man made, a UKIP councillor has told party supporters at a rally in Cobridge.

"These foreign dragons coming over here and warming our environment, it's a disgrace," the councillor roared to UKIP voters. "UKIP will put and end to this if we come to power and send them back to game of thrones land or wherever they come from."

"This is interesting," Professor Gary Hammers of Staffordshire University said. "We've long suspected dragons of inhabiting mountains in Fegg Hayes, but sightings are few and far between. They do breathe fire and fire does warm stuff up, so this could be legit."

The Ghost Of Christmas Past?

Did the ghost of Michael Jackson visit Stoke over Christmas? That's what Cobridge resident Deb Ridehard says happened, regardless of your answer to that first question.

"MJ flew into my room on Christmas Eve after my parents had sent me to bed," Deb wrote on her Tumblr blog. "He cuddled me and told me Santa would come soon."

Jacko, known as the "Kong of Pop", was a Jehovah's Witness but later changed his religion to something else that allowed him to celebrate Christmas, something he did every year by inviting lots of children to his house.

"MJ got into bed with me and stroked my hair til I fell asleep," Deb added. "He didn't nonce me off or nothing. Haters gonna hate."

Man Has Sex With Cars

Dave Knutts, who lives in Cobridge with his current "girlfriend" – a white Vauxhall Nova named Chantelle, has insisted that he is not "a sick little monkey" and has no desire to change his ways. 

"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall, like my hero Michael Jackson," says the salad dresser. "But when I see movies and shows like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful."

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his horniest sexual experience was "butt-fucking the shit out of" the helicopter from 1980s TV show 'Airwolf'.

"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change. Just like MJ, I am hated for loving."

He added: "There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked up and I swear it tells me to do it. Seriously."

UFO Spotted Over Cobridge

Babs Wright was working a street corner in Cobridge last night when she saw a UFO hover overhead! She snapped the glowing red object on her smart phone as a "john" stopped his car to pick her up.

The disc-shaped UFO flashed across the sky - just as Babs was taking the picture - before it disappeared into the night at around 9pm.

Mr X, Babs's "trick" who wishes to remain anonymous, said: "I just couldn't believe what I had just seen - and, no, I'm not talking about the two prossies I'd just paid to lez off together! It must have been a UFO - and I cannot believe I am saying that because, basically, yeah, I don't believe in them usually. Basically, this was definitely not, yer know, a normal aircraft. It was red, the shape they reckon a flying saucer is, yeah, and had bright lights coming out of it."

Staffordshire Police said they have not been informed of any reports of UFO sightings in the area and wouldn't have believed them anyway, even if they had been told.

Supernatural Fog Envelopes Stoke?

Stokies across the city woke up to a shock this morning: Stoke was covered in thick fog! Worse, it seems that the fog might even be of paranormal origins!

Reports have come in from across the city of strange happenings in the fog. Six people from Chell Heath have been reported dead when fog caused electrical problems with mobility scooters which lead to a pile-up on Chumps Road.

Nearly half the adult population of Brindley Ford phoned in sick for their JobCentre appointments this morning.

Residents of Cobridge are reported to have been plagued by nosebleeds, sore throats and strange needle marks on their arms.

Lake Burslem in the fog

One of our readers, calling herself Howard Donald, e-mailed her own encounter with the fog: "I was leaving my road in Tunstall at around 8am to drive to the local shop to get some fags and booze. I had just pulled out of the estate and there was a thick fog rolling in. I drove quickly to try to beat the fog when I saw a very bright light ahead. As I drove closer, I saw a kebab shop. I pulled in to grab a quick kebab and I asked staff how a new kebab shop could have been built in Tunstall so fast and he looked at me strangely. He then said in a strange accent that it had been there for two years. I asked him where I was and when he told me I began to shake uncontrollaby. I was in Liverpool! I fucking hate Scousers!"

Billie Fink

On 25 August 2007, 15 year old Billie Fink from Cobridge claims she was abducted by aliens, who then forced her to drink beer, smoke cigarettes and have sex with them. After returning home at 3am with no memory of the abduction and subsequent events, her mother took her to see a magician (Magic Hans) who hypnotises people as part of his act. Here is a part of the transcript of that session.

Billie: They've brung me some beer. They want me to drink it and smoke some ciggies. I do it but I tell 'em I'm not a slag.

MH: How long does this go on for?

Billie: We do it for an hour or two, I'm no lightweight, anyone who tells you that is a major mong. One alien is flying the spaceship around really fastly and has loud hip hop on his stereo. At one point a space-police spaceship followed us but we lost it.

MH: Then what happens?

Billie: One of the aliens in the back seat starts groping me off while the other starts snogging me. Then they unzip their trousers and tell me to suck 'em off.

Billie went on to describe the aliens and her getting up to all sorts of sexual activities. The magicians assistant present at the time of the hypnosis says that Billie "smelled of fags and booze". Billie says this proves her story is real.

Beware Sex Offender

Staffordshire Police are urging Stokies to be vigilant after reports on Friday night of a man in Cobridge flashing at passers-by from the front of his Vauxhall Nova. Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks has described the man as "a right pervy old bastard".

TV reports the story

I reported over Christmas the sighting of a ghost flasher in Packmoor. There's no indication that this flasher is a ghost, but you can never be too sure!

12 Ghosts of Christmas (5)

Dave Murray was enjoying his weekly visit to a massage parlour in Cobridge when he opened his eyes to see that the "masseuse" hadn't even started and he was being wanked off by a ghost!

How many of these properties are massage parlours?

"I just let it carry on," explained Mr Murray, who recently paid two tramps to fight each other. "It was too late to stop by the time I realised."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (1)

In May 1995, Melanie Jobson was giving a beat down to a rival prostitute who had invaded her "turf" in Cobridge when she was attacked by the ghost of a prostitute who had died on that road ten years before!

Cobridge's most famous landmark?

Melanie survived the ghostly attack but died in 1998 after being run over by a hovercraft driven by a drunk driver. Don't drink and drive folks!

The Steve Identity

This isn't paranormal-related, but I wanted to let you all know about a film I'm involved with. We're currently trying to raise finances to make the film. We've got some money from the Cobridge Film Council but need more before we can start production.

The film will be produced by people from Stoke and is called "The Steve Identity". It's a fast paced action thriller, and will be filmed entirely in movie studios near to Prague, with sets made to recreate the streets of Stoke. We think it would be an ideal vehicle for cockney bad boy actor Danny Dyer. And as we all know, if you get Dyer, you will also get Tamer Hassan. Whether you want him or not. Jonathan Wilkes is also said to be eager to be involved.

Here is the synopsis for the film.

"The Steve Identity"

Director: Dave Burgess

Writer: Phil Burton

Producer: Kevin Thompson

Executive producer: Montgomery Deschanel

A man wakes up in a gutter with two black eyes. He does not know who he is or why he is there. However, he finds an on-the-spot fine ticket for drunken behaviour in his pocket.

The man makes his way to a park bench, where he is bothered by two football fans. They try to start a fight with him because he does not know what football team he supports. Using advanced brawling techniques he didn't know he had such as headbutting and glassing, he beats up the men easily, before running into a nearby Police Station.

In the Police Station, he hands the ticket to the desk officer hoping to find more information about himself. The Officer tells him he's lucky and hands him a wallet that has been handed in. In the wallet, he finds various bank cards and benefit cheques, all to different names. He takes the name on the driving license, Steve Stevens, as his own.

While leaving the police station, he sees Kayleigh Povey, trying to help her friend get released from spending a night in the cells. Steve is then approached by more football fans. He offers Kayleigh a tenner to drive him to Burslem to the address on his driving license. She is suspicious, but needs the money and agrees.

Steve and Kayleigh arrive at the block of flats in Burslem. He dials 1471 on the phone and gets through to the JobCentre. The Job Advisor recognises one of the names on the income support cheques, Nigel Yip, who Steve is told wears an eyepatch and has a limp. But then a skinhead jumps though a window and attacks Steve. Steve shouts "D'yer want some yer slag?" at the skinhead before headbutting him. He then smashes a glass on a table before shoving it into the skinhead's face. In the skinhead's pockets, Kayleigh finds an England flag and a mobile phone with a picture of Steve and her saved in it. She starts crying, so Steve slaps her and tells her to get it together. Meanwhile, the skinhead escapes.

As Steve and Kayleigh leave in her car, they are chased by someone driving a white Vauxhall Nova. A car chase through the Smallthorne roundabouts follows but Steve and Kayleigh escape and go to Kayleigh's council flat in Cobridge.

The next day, they contact the JobCentre again and obtain an address for Nigel Yip. Arriving at the address, which is Port Vale's football ground, Steve concludes that he must be a football hooligan.

Going back to Kayleigh's flat, Steve notices Stoke City fans and decides they are no longer safe in Cobridge. Kayleigh takes Steve to (her stepdad) Mick's house. He is supposed to be in prison for wife-beating, but he shows up with a local stripper called Sharon. He lets them stay the night. The next day, Steve hears a powerful car pull up outside. Steve takes Dave's pool cue and goes into the street to pummel the man (Paul Botts) waiting for him. After getting battered, Paul tells Steve they are in the same Port Vale supporter's group, headed by local crime kingpin Dave Johnson. Steve takes Paul's phone and rings Dave, arranging to meet him by Lake Burslem.

Arriving near the lake, Steve notices some undercover skinheads (wearing hats to hide their haircuts). He decides it isn't safe, so he waits for Dave to leave then follows him home. He breaks in then holds Dave at snooker ball-in-a-sock point. He asks Dave about how he got to the ditch, then has a series of flashbacks. Steve was with the supporter's group ahead of the local derby game against Stoke City. Spotting a Stoke fan in a public toilet, Steve approached intending to beat the crap out of him. However, Steve started to feel pangs of guilt and told the group to lay off it and just go to the game. The group turned on him immediately and gave him the beating of a lifetime, leaving him in the ditch. After fully remembering what happened, Steve tells Dave that he no longer wants to be a hooligan or to support Port Vale. He then smashes Dave's face up a bit for good measure.

Dave is then seen before the supporter's group telling them the group is to be closed down. He then starts to tell them about his new England Supporter's Group...

Later, Steve finds Kayleigh working at a KFC in Fegg Hayes. The pair get off with each other.

THE END