Thatcher's Ghost Spotted In Stoke

Stokie and Maggie Thatchers fan Phil Umney got the shock of his life last night when he saw the ghost of the former dictator go past his bedroom window!

"I was writhing around on my bedroom floor, enjoying the feel of my freshly cleaned and plumped carpet fibres against my skin," says the Brindley Ford resident. "As I looked up, I saw Thatchers go past my bedroom window! It was definitely her, I would recognise those nob-eyes, candy floss hair and giblet jowls anywhere, it couldn't have been anyone else."

Not content with his experience, Mr Umney decided to get help.

"I woke my Mum and got her to put on a Thatchers outfit I just happened to own," explained the crazy-paver. "I got her to recreate the ghost of Thatchers's footsteps while I filmed it from several different angles, lest anyone accuse me of making the story up. Ghosts are REAL, deal with it bitches."

Mayor Who Refused To Judge Halloween Contest Gets Sacked

Derek Pegg, the mayor of Brindley Ford, and his councillor wife Tracy have been sacked after they turned down an invitation to judge a costume contest at a Halloween event due to their religious beliefs.

They were asked to go to Brindley Ford City Hall (incorporating the Brindley Ford Opera House) for the afternoon event but decided against it after consulting fellow members at their cult.

Mayor Pegg, who is in his 80s, said he did not think young people should take part in Halloween because it glamourises evil. "It glorifies Satan and celebrates the dark side," he said. "Halloween is a pagan festival. I don't think it's appropriate to involve youngsters in this sort of thing."

Mayor Pegg, who is a member of cult The Brindley Ford Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which believes in aliens and group orgies, was removed from his post by an angry mob.

Baby Eats Snake, No Motive Given

Thirteen-month-old Rihanna Pleb, who has a feeble six teeth, was found chewing on the head of a 12 inch snake by her mother, who alerted her estate with her screams.

"I was squeezing her some milk out from my tit and I looked over and saw she had a snake in her mouth," said Rihanna's mother, Kylie Trunk, who lives in Brindley Ford. "I started to scream. I couldn't believe my fookin' eyes," she told the Stoke Paranormal Society. "I nearly shat myself in fright."

A typical English snake

"We rushed in and found the baby with a snake in his mouth, chewing on it like a little bastard without a care in the world. It was really scary, just horrible," the girl's aunt, Beyonce Trunk, said.

A neighbour who had rushed to see what was going on yanked the half-dead reptile out of the girl's mouth and killed it by smashing its head against a DVD box set of 'The Only Way is Essex', she said. "When he pulled it out, Rihanna started crying like a little bitch," she said. She described the snake's head as "looking like a fucked-up pork scratching" when it emerged from the girl's mouth.

More Vampire Bones Found In Stoke?

Amateur ramraiders in Boslem [Burslem] are the latest to show that a widespread belief in vampires really existed in Stoke.

Port Vale FC (nicknamed: "the Scamps") revealed today that the skeleton of a man subjected to a ritual to stop him from turning into a vampire has been uncovered, like the one discovered recently in Tunny [Tunstall].

http://stokeparanormalsociety.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/vampire-corpse-found-in-tunstall.html

The remains are from the third grave unearthed in Burslem linked to the practice, "Scamps" mascot Boomer The Dog confirmed at a press conference.

"The skeleton was tied to the ground with ladies stockings, while burning badgers were placed on top of his grave," Boomer said. "The man may or may not have been a vampire but was subjected to this superstition-driven ritual to prevent him from becoming one after his death."

The bones of the man have yet to be dated but are believed to be somewhere between 1 day and several centuries old.

The bones were found during a ramraid at Burslem Cemetery on Hanley Road, where bodysnatchers had previously unearthed another skeleton with tied hands and subjected to similar rites a few years ago.

Vampire tales and superstitions are widespread across the towns of northern Stoke. Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray, voted the company's "rising star of 2007", said there could be 1000s of such "vampire corpses" in northern Stoke.

"They illustrate a practice which was common in places like Boslem and Tunny right up until the 1960s," he told me recently at a hog roast at Dimensions Leisure Centre. "They reckon that some remote tribes up in the mountains near Fegg Hayes and Brindley Ford still do it," he added.

Supernatural Fog Envelopes Stoke?

Stokies across the city woke up to a shock this morning: Stoke was covered in thick fog! Worse, it seems that the fog might even be of paranormal origins!

Reports have come in from across the city of strange happenings in the fog. Six people from Chell Heath have been reported dead when fog caused electrical problems with mobility scooters which lead to a pile-up on Chumps Road.

Nearly half the adult population of Brindley Ford phoned in sick for their JobCentre appointments this morning.

Residents of Cobridge are reported to have been plagued by nosebleeds, sore throats and strange needle marks on their arms.

Lake Burslem in the fog

One of our readers, calling herself Howard Donald, e-mailed her own encounter with the fog: "I was leaving my road in Tunstall at around 8am to drive to the local shop to get some fags and booze. I had just pulled out of the estate and there was a thick fog rolling in. I drove quickly to try to beat the fog when I saw a very bright light ahead. As I drove closer, I saw a kebab shop. I pulled in to grab a quick kebab and I asked staff how a new kebab shop could have been built in Tunstall so fast and he looked at me strangely. He then said in a strange accent that it had been there for two years. I asked him where I was and when he told me I began to shake uncontrollaby. I was in Liverpool! I fucking hate Scousers!"