Bonkers Hours

According to local folklore, people born at certain hours of the day are able to see ghosts and communicate with the dead. This crucial time, known as the "bonkers hour" (or "bonkers hours" in some cases), is normally between midnight and 1am, though this varies between Stoke's towns.

The bonkers time itself often corresponds with the hours of prayer in each town, be it monastic or devilish. Burslem, traditionally a God loving town, has its bonkers hours from 11pm until midnight every night, whereas Norton, which has a large devil worshipping population, has Friday 3pm until Monday 9am as its time.

The extremely common Stoke phrase of "born in the bonkers hours", used to refer to someone who is a bit weird, odd, crazy or bent, comes from this myth.

Treasure Island

Treasure Island is the smallest island on Benny Island, on Lake Baps, the largest lake on Benny Island. It is so called because it contains absolutely no treasure, nor has any ever been found there, even though it used to house pirates who operated on the lake. The island does contain some of the world's oldest cave paintings, though these are considered worthless.

Dragon Roast Island

Dragon Roast Island is the largest island on Benny Island, located on Lake Zora, the smallest lake on Benny Island. The island is home to Death Mountain, one of the biggest free standing rock formations in Stoke.

An unusual weather phenomenon means that the top of the mountain is always covered in clouds, even if there is no others in the sky. Legend says that these clouds are actually smoke produced by Grumpy Ole Terry, the dragon that lives on top of the mountain, who spends his days chucking rocks at passers by down below.

Benny Island

Benny Island, located on Lake Burslem, is the largest island in Stoke. It is home to a series of underwater caves, which are home to powerful spirits of long dead fish people from a bygone age.

These spirits are of the elders of an extinct race called x who ruled the area before humans had fully evolved. Feeding on cockles, the race died out due to laziness.

Unfortunately, the spirits of this master race haven't been fully investigated as there are no paranormal investigators in Stoke who happen to have the necessary underwater skills to check them out or make contact with their spirits. As such, much of what we know about them is pure speculation.

Some of that speculation includes that they were demons, tortured crabs and poked stuff with tridents for fun.

Springtime For Bursie

John Ambulance from Tunstall has become the winner of a cheque for £3,000 and a years supply of pikelets (courtesy of The Dave Munton Foundation and Munton's Pikelets) after being the first person to report seeing the Lake Burslem Monster, aka "Bursie", this springtime.

Running naked along the lake's shore after losing a bet, John jumped over a tramp's dead body then landed awkwardly and fell in the lake. John looked up to see Bursie staring at him.

"There was a look of contempt in its eyes that sickened me," John said. "If I'd had my machete I'd have cut his stupid head off."

"Congratulations to John," Dave Munton Foundation treasurer Gill Afro said. "The prize is classed as income and he will have to pay tax on it, unfortunately."

One Night In November

In November and December 1980, the eastern side of Stoke was experiencing a major UFO sighting wave. There were chases of UFOs by police cars near Stockton Brook and a UFO that overflew an oil rig on Lake Burslem.

The UFO, photographed over Lake Burslem

PC Keith Jellies was on patrol on the night of 28 November 1980. Just before dawn he drove along Bummer Road in Sneyd Green looking for some badgers that had been reported missing. They were only found after sun-up, mysteriously relocated in a blood-soaked field in Endon.

Jellies was about to go back to base to sign off duty when he saw a large mass a few hundred yards ahead. At first, he thought it was a hovercraft, but he soon realised that it was something strange. It was a fuzzy oval that rotated at such speed and hovered so low that it was causing the prostitutes by the side of the road to fall over. Then there was a burst of light, and the next thing he knew he was driving his car again, further along Bummer Road, with no sign of the UFO or the prostitutes.

Concerned as to possible ridicule, PC Jellies at first chose not to make an official report, but changed his mind later that day when he got drunk with his children. 

Jellies filed an official report, but was surprised when police chose to sack him instead of investigating further. He went home and killed his wife and children, then himself, with a .44 Magnum handgun. Because of the incident, Staffordshire Police vowed to take UFO sightings more seriously.

Burslem Road

The Burslem Road is an underwater rock formation in Lake Burslem. The Road consists of a 900 metre-long north-south linear feature composed of roughly rectangular stone blocks.

On September 2, 1968, while diving in 10 metres of water off what is now known as Phil Taylor Bay, Keg Hunter encountered an extensive "pavement" of what later was found to be stones of varying size and thickness. After this discovery, the Burslem Road has been visited and examined by geologists, archaeologists, anthropologists, marine engineers, divers and celebrities. In addition to the Burslem Road, investigators have found two additional "pavement-like" linear features that lie parallel to and shoreward of Burslem Road.

In 1978, Burslem's radiocarbon laboratory calculated that the shells composing the Burslem Road are about 3,500 years old.

The Burslem Road, the largest of the three linear features, consists of stone blocks measuring as much as 3–4m in horizontal dimensions, with the average size being 2–3m. The blocks consist of limestone composed of carbonate-cemented shell hash that is called "acerock". Acerock is native to Burslem. Given the degree that these blocks have been eroded, it is highly implausible that any original surface features, including any tool marks and inscriptions, would have survived this degree of erosion.

The consensus among conventional geologists and archaeologists is that the Burslem Road is a natural feature composed of acerock that have broken up into rectangular, polygonal and irregular blocks.

As a result of the unusual arrangement and shape of the stones some believe that the formation is the remains of an ancient road, wall, worship site or some other deliberately constructed feature. Nigel Rockbasher, a retired naval chef, was part of a famous expedition sponsored by Dave Munton in 1995, at the height of the Blur vs Oasis Britpop battle, that included explorers and a number of psychics from the Crystal O'Future Foundation. The group stated that there was "little doubt" that the massive stone blocks were cut by people or aliens, based on their experience of looking at, and sometimes even touching, rocks.

Teenager Dressed As Alien Found Brutally Murdered

Today's funny story of the day award goes to the police officers at Burslem Police Station. Finding what looked like a dead alien's body on wasteland, the boys in blue informed RAF Trentham and several news agencies of their discovery, only to find out on closer inspection that the dead body was just a teenager dressed in an alien suit!

"Boy, do we feel stupid," says Detective Ron Briggs of Burslem PD. "To think that the dead body we found was actually an alien!? Fortunately, we've got a good sense of humour down at the station so we can have a good laugh about it."

The dead body has yet to be identified owing to the savage beating inflicted to the head of the victim, but Detective Briggs promises a proper investigation.

"Obviously, the crime scene was contaminated by all the camera crews and members of the public we let it to look at the body when we still thought it was an alien," laughs Det Briggs. "So we'll get no usable or reliable evidence there. I'm sure we’ll come up with something, though. We generally do in the end."

Ghost Vale

Reader Derek Pegg left the following message on the Stoke Paranormal Society hotline:

"Can anyone tell me if Vale Park is haunted please, I've felt something touch me in the stands on more than one occasion."

If you can help Derek with this, he asks that you e-mail him at reception@happymassage.com, with the subject "Sentinel Stand".

Sir Thom Geoffson

On 16 August 1878, Admiral Sir Thom Geoffson was on patrol with Stoke's Navy on Lake Burslem. Suddenly he gave orders for his ship The Boogie and the nearby The Bard Of Bentilee to turn inwards and steam towards each other.

It was obvious to all on board that disaster was imminent, but none of his subordinates dared overrule or question Geoffson's extraordinary command.

As a consequence, the two ships crashed into each other and The Boogie sank, taking the Admiral and four hundred mariners to a watery grave.

As the ship went down Sir Thom was heard to say, "This is not my fault." Military bigwigs agreed with him and laid the blame solely at cabin boy Richard Starkey's feet.

At more or less the exact moment that Sir Thom was plummeting to the lake bed, his wife was holding a seance in their house in Trentham. Suddenly Sir Thom, resplendent in full naval regalia, appeared before over a hundred guests, danced across the dancefloor, before vanishing into the chill out area.

Christmas And New Year UFO Reports (Part II)

25 December 2012

When local vicar Rev Charles Cockshoot saw a UFO over Burslem on Christmas morning, it changed his life forever. "It made me realise that everything I believe in is nonsense," said the 'Strictly Come Dancing' fan, 50. "I quit the church there and then and am now much happier."

27 December 2012

Making her way home to Birches Head after picking up a copy of the eponymous debut album by acclaimed singer-songwriter Rickie Lee Jones for just £3 in the HMV sale, bricklayer Tuft Godfreys witnessed a UFO crash. "One of the flying spacecrafts pulled out in front of the other, causing the crash," said the 'Dancing On Ice' viewer. "The two aliens got out of their ships and argued about who was to blame. I didn't get involved."

31 December 2012

When angry loner Nigel Maycock took to the top of Packmoor Tower on New Year's Eve, intending to pick off random revellers with his sniper rile, he didn't expect to see a UFO! "I expected bloodshed," laughs the postman, 50. "I was setting my scope up when I saw one of them UFOs. Looked like a new one too."

The Azure Ray

According to local Burselm legend, The Azure Ray is a large ghost ship that sails Lake Burslem at night. The boat is said to be a being who is conscious and sentient!

The ship, a booze cruiser, appears as a beautiful and bright fluorescent yellow sailing ship, always full of disco lights and with the sounds of a party on board, but quickly disappears again, leaving no evidence of its presence. The ghost ship is also known to be able to quickly transform and navigate under water, like a James Bond car or something.

The myths claim it is crewed by people who have drowned in the lake, who are brought to the ship by three mythological figures, a mermaid called Sharon, a were-gull called Barry and a talking fish called Ulysses. Once aboard, the dead can resume a typical Stoke existence as if they were alive again, drinking and partying non-stop for eternity on the ghostly booze cruise.

The crew is composed of fishermen and sailors who were kidnapped to serve as human slaves after having been transformed into a creature very similar to Howard the Duck.

"Honest Matt" Confirms Bursie Sighting

A local man known as "Honest Matt" has claimed that the recent sighting of Bursie by a group of liars was genuine and that he witnessed the whole thing.

In a harrowing comment on the Fathers 4 Justice website (below a story called "Say it with hate this Mother's Day") that reduced this reporter to horrible tears, Honest Matt claims to have been at Lake Burslem when the sighting occurred.

"I was at Phil Taylor Bay, writhing around topless in a mermaid costume for my own amusement," posted Honest Matt. "I saw the whole thing. It was exactly as the liars described it. But better."

However, Terry Fenton, from Fenton, leader of the liars, says Honest Matt is lying. "There were definitely no topless mermaids there, he is lying."

Bursie Spotted By Liars

The Lake Burslem Monster (aka: "Bursie") has been spotted for only the third time this year by a group of liars who were converting base metals into gold by the side of the lake.

The group, lead by current Mr Universe Terry Fenton, from Fenton, say they saw Bursie resting near Phil Taylor Bay, where the beast was reading a book and listening to jazz music.

After befriending the monster, the liars say that Bursie told them all to put on their water skis as he was going to drag them across the lake, which the monster then did, true to his word. This continued for some time but ended when Bursie had to leave for a prior appointment.

"I understand that people may not believe what we say because we are a group of liars," said Mr Fenton, 50. "But I can assure you that all of this really happened."

Beware Ghost In Goldenhill

If you're planning on going dogging anytime soon next to Goldenhill Golf Course, just off Kidsgrove Road, you might want to be aware of the ghost reported to be haunting the area!

I've never been, but dogging friends of mine have, and they are reporting that a pervy apparition has been spying on the hot outdoor action, and sometimes, commentating on it too!

"We're used to people watching us," says official dogger spokesman Fred Claus. "And we get off on it, but noobs might get weirded out by it the first time, so they should be careful."

Tonight's main dogging hotspots will be at the following car parks:

Chell Heath Conservative Working Men's Club

Dimensions Leisure Centre (Burslem)

Fegg Hayes Calvinist Chapel

Goldenhill Golf Course

Middleport Adventure Theme Park

Norton Space Centre

Wedgwood Museum

Strange Items Left At Travel Tavern After Ghost Conference

A quirky list of lost-and-found items has been compiled by local travel tavern The Burslem Hilton after a recent conference on ghost-hunting held at the hotel.

Among the items left behind include ghost-hunting equipment, a life-size Fegg Hayes Yeti costume with detachable penis, a case full of 100 Lou Diamond Phillips masks and an urn containing the ashes of local serial killer Dr Harold Shipman.

Staff at the tavern were even treated to an early Christmas surprise when a couple left a Santa-shaped dildo in their room.

An 18-month-old boy was also left behind, though no 'Home Alone'-style japes were recorded after the boy was locked in a vault for safekeeping until his parents returned the next week to reclaim him.

An energetic gerbil was also found in a cage in one room.

Some of the items left behind:

A suitcase of vintage dwarf pornography

Keys to a white Vauxhall Nova

A suitcase of designer badger outfits and matching collars

A life size Mr Blobby costume

A semen-stained poster of Robert Kilroy-Silk

A 12" picture disc of 'Love Shack' by The B-52's

Fegg Hayes Yeti Is Gay, Claims Boy

Stoke's scientific community has been thrown into a tizz after an 11 year old boy claimed that the Fegg Hayes Yeti is gay!

The boy made the claim during a history lesson yesterday at the Phil Taylor Institute of Technology (formerly known as: Cheg's High School) in Burslem. Teacher Ted Stott was astonished by the claim. "I was astonished by the claim," he says. "The little bastard just got up in class and said, 'The Fegg Hayes Yeti is totes gay.' He then marched out of the classroom, lighting a cigarette on a bunsen burner as he went. I assume he went home to prepare the evidence of his discovery for presentation to the world's scientific community."

"We are waiting to see what evidence the boy has got to enable him to make this claim," said local Yeti expert Fenk Hitler. "He must have some real concrete evidence to have been so bold."

"I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day," added Mr Stott. "This could be the greatest discovery in the history of evolution, and it happened here in Boslem."

UFO Found In Lake Burslem?

A group of pirates that found a strange circular object on the floor of Lake Burslem in 2011 now says they have found a second object near to the first.

Pete Firestorm, who leads the group, previously joked that the first object they found 50 feet below the surface might be an unidentified flying object. I won't repeat the joke, it's not that funny.

A recently spotted UFO in Burslem

When the object, which has a diameter of 45 feet, was first discovered in June, some thought that had crashed onto the lakefloor and left behind a path of destruction measuring some 90 feet.

The team is waiting until later in the month to further investigate their intriguing discovery.

"Right now, we know of about 20,000 objects, mostly used condoms and shipwrecks, in Lake Burslem. But I think there may be more than 100,000," fishing expert Bill Spatz told The Evening Sentinel newspaper. "I'm not sure what you will see when you go down. Aye, but I'm excited. It's going to be interesting to see what it is. Hopefully not just a bunch of used heroin needles that have got stuck together, like it usually is."

Stoke Parents Win "Bursie" Name Case

A court in Fenton on Thursday rejected a prosecutors' request for a couple to be barred from naming their son "Bursie".

Prosecutors had brought Dave and Chantelle Dumptruck to court under a Stoke law that prevents parents from giving names that would be "contrary to the interests of a child".


"Bursie", yesterday

The parents, both fans of the Lake Burslem Monster ("Bursie"), had chosen to name their son, born on 14 July, after the monster. They said they simply liked the sound of the name and denied it had any monstrous connotation.

The same law had previously been used in 1999 to try to prevent parents Jon and Sharon Gash from naming their daughter "Megson", with prosecutors saying the name sounded too much like that of ridiculous football manager Gary Megson.

An appeals court in 2000 allowed the girl to keep her name.

Council Crack Down

A fight club owner has been ordered to take down a tissue paper Sneyd Green Steve display from her shop window – because it breaches trademark rules!

Trading standards officers have warned Lisa Clungeblaster that she faces being sued by Stoke City Council for the unauthorised window display of the famous local swamp monster after the city council registered his name and likeness as a trademark. Lisa's Fists of Fury Club, on Town Road in Hanley, is the only business so far to receive a warning. Lisa, who runs the shop with business partner, and former enemy, Tony Fister, said: "The trading standards officers said they really loved the display, but told us we'd have to take it down or we could be sued by the fuckmunchers at the city council. They said I'd have to take it down by Wednesday or they'd chuck bricks through the window. We've only been running the shop for 15 months, and I don't want to do anything to put it at risk."

Sneyd Green Steve, as featured
in the TV show 'American Dad!'

Lisa, aged 33, of 27 Moorland Road, Burslem, added: "People have come into the shop and told me the display looks absolutely 'mint'. One woman came in and picked up some swamp ooze, which is part of the display, and asked if she could buy it. I had to tell her to fuck right off. I had no idea I was breaking any rules. I just wanted to support Sneyd Green Steve."

Partner Tony is refusing to give in on the issue. He said: "We're not going to take the display down. If they want, we'll take this to court, or the Jeremy Kyle show if necessary. We've done cock-all wrong."

Trading standards spokesman Dave Hell today refused to comment on the issue, but added: "Wherever trading standards officers see unauthorised use of Sneyd Green Steve or registered trademarks, we will take the time to explain to the business owner why they cannot do that. If they then refuse to follow our advice, we will begin a campaign of intimidation, bullying and malicious rumour-mongering until they do what we say."