Paranormal Investigator Sex Tape Shame

Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's most famous paranormal investigators, has been forced to apologise after sex tapes featuring him were leaked on the internet.

The 42 minute video has proved a hit with porn fans but comes just days after the investigator was announced as the public face of Mothercare in Hanley.

The video features three scenes. The first shows Mick and three other paranormal investigators innocently roasting two fangirls after the recent Packmoor GhostCon in a beige hotel room.

The second scene features Mick and a tall blonde glamour model. They engage in rough anal sex before Mick gives the woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, or until she is able to sell her story to a tabloid newspaper, a "dirty sanchez".

The final scene features Mick getting penetrated from behind by a chubby brunette woman with a strap-on. Mick is heard yelling "Fuck me like I'm your bitch," and later asks for her to spit in his mouth as he masturbates to climax.

Local film critic David Murray enjoyed the video but has reservations. "There seems to be little in the way of plot or character development, but the performances are solid. I see this film as a satire of the current Conservative-Lib Dem coalition, starting off in a party mood but quickly degrading into ever more desperate acts for satisfaction. It's good but not a classic."

David Murray: "I Have Been Reborn!"

Emerging in front of the assembled press pack at Quasar at Festival Park wearing only a purple velvet track suit, (and no pants or shoes, as he was keen to point out,) film critic David Murray, who was recently declared missing for over a week, stunned journalists by announcing that he was the son of god!

"I have been reborn to fight evil on the planet," said Murray. "Evil forces have ruled the world for centuries and I have come back, with the power of God, to try to help the world."

To the bewilderment of all assembled, Murray went on to describe conspiracy theories involving monarchs, world leaders, aliens, badgers and more!

"This shadowy ruling network is responsible for everything in the world, from 11/9, as it should be called, to the disaster in New Orleans and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. My mission is now to make people aware of this conspiracy against humanity and to fight their future plans. That is all."

Murray's publicist added that he was planning on writing books about his experience and mission, and will be going on a lecture tour in the near future.

Missing Film Critic Found In Fegg Hayes

Missing film critic David Murray has been found!

He was found earlier today wandering around Fegg Hayes while wearing white robes. Normally he wears bright clothes and a monocle.

There's been no news yet as to his state of mind. Hopefully his brain will still function normally and he hasn't been left a drooling vegetable by whatever experience it is that he has been through.

More news when I have it.

Was Missing Film Critic Kidnapped By Aliens?

In case you don't know, Stoke's number one film critic, David Murray, is missing. It is now over a week since he was last seen, at Quasar at Festival Park in Etruria.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/local-film-critic-goes-missing.html

The angry mob looking for him resumed its search today, after taking yesterday off because of the bad weather.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/charity-single-recorded-for-missing.html

Reader Tim Beggar of Fegg Hayes was dogging on Goldenhill Golf Course last Thursday night and claims he saw a UFO in the area. "I was hanging around by some car, watching a couple do it on the back seat," explains Tim. "I was next in line. Some craft with bright lights goes overhead, I don't pay much attention to it, 'cus you get loads of rich folk in that area flying their helicopters about. Anyway, after a while, I think, 'Bleedin' hell, this helicopter's low,' and I look up and it's only a bleedin' UFO, innit. I think the dirty rotters were hangin' about watching the dogging action, if you ask me. Oh yeah, and they could've kidnapped that film critic you're lookin' for."

The 17th green at Goldenhill Golf Club

So could he have been taken by aliens? No-one could say for certain, but I would say for certain that is probable that the likelihood is that he may have been taken. Perhaps he is being anally probed as you read this, shudder the thought. Whatever happens, he remains in our thoughts. May the aliens have mercy on his soul.

Second Siege In Stoke

You wait ages for an armed siege in Stoke then two come along at once.

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Police-deal-second-siege-Stoke-Trent/story-14346014-detail/story.html

Could this be a case of multiple spirit possession? A sign that the end of days is coming? Or just a couple of mentals having a bad time of things? A colleague of mine, film critic David Murray (not to be confused with massage parlour regular Dave Murray as met in the 12 Ghosts of Christmas), suggested it could be that these men are being possessed by the spirit of Raoul Moat. Personally, I find that suggestion to be in bad taste. Too soon, dude, too soon. This isn't a time for joking or baseless conjecture.

What is for sure is that I won't rest until I get answers. Or until I get tired.