Man Arrested For Ghost Prank

A man from Norton has been arrested by police for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises.

"We can confirm that a man has been arrested by us for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises," Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks told reporters. "The details can be found on our Facebook page."

The man, known only as Ken Kippers, was arrested by officers after a two year long sting operation where they followed the man for 24 hours a day, 6 days a week (not Sundays), which included setting up webcams in his house, tapping his phones and internet and following him while hiding in boxes. He was finally arrested while taunting mourners at the funeral of an old woman killed by the Stoke Strangler.

On The (Grave) Rob

Staffordshire Police have confirmed that they are investigating a spate of grave robberies across the city which have involved the theft of several dead bodies.

"We're at a loss as to why this is happening," said police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "We've literally got no idea. Why anybody would want a dead body is beyond me. Unless it's for deviant purposes, then it would make sense, in a funny kind of way."

Police Turn To Psychics To Find Missing Pervert

Rather than put out an APB, Staffordshire Police have asked psychics for their help in finding convicted paedophile Ted Screamer.

"We will have a two week sift of applications before a rigorous interview process," says spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "After we choose our candidate, we will get security clearance for them which can take upto four months, then we will be in a position to start our induction programme. After that is complete, we can get down to the business of trying to find this pervert."

Ted Screamer has been described as one of Stoke's most dangerous men.

"That is why we are not taking this process lightly," added PC Shanks.

Man Claims To Come From Alternate Dimension

A Stoke man arrested at the weekend and charged with public tom-foolery and urination has been released without bail pending further investigations after he claimed to come from an alternate reality and is only here by accident.

Ken Chegwin, 51, made the claims to officers at Hanley Police Station during a routine cigarette break in the station's car park, while standing next to the police's high speed pursuit vehicle, a 6 speed, white Vauxhall Nova with a 1.7 litre turbo injection engine, walnut dash and alloys.

Ken Chegwin

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks explained further. "Ken asked our officers if they wanted to know a special secret. Of course they did: rule three in the Staffordshire Police handbook says that you always answer 'yes' if anyone asks you if you want to know a secret. Ken told them that he came from a fantastical world, not unlike ours, yet better in every way. He ended up in our reality because of a rip in the space-time continuum and is trying to get home again."

Despite the outrageous claim, PC Shanks thinks that further investigations are justified. "Normally, we wouldn't bother with a case like this, we get two or three a week, and a similar number of people claiming to be Sam Beckett from 'Quantum Leap' trapped in a crim's body. But the level of minute detail Ken gave us, like the fact that the police rule the country in his reality and that the weather is better and that chlamidya has been eradicated mean that we should at least investigate his claims before deciding what further action to take."

Paranormal Investigator Hit By Falling Gargoyle

International media outlets based in Stoke are reporting that Mick Wessex, one of Stoke's leading paranormal investigators and Jeremy Kyle historians, has been hospitalised after a gargoyle fell off a building and onto his head.

The accident happened during the filming of a pilot episode of a new web series, 'Stoke Haunted', as Mick investigated a supposedly haunted building that was once leased by darts legend "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

Mick Wessex,
before the accident

When Taylor leased the shop, which he called 'Power Sports' and sold sports trophies and memorabilia, it only stayed open for business for about 3 months. Taylor cited the haunting as the main reason for the shop's failure, ahead of the poor out-of-town location and over-estimation of the Stoke public's desire for signed Ricky Hatton boxing gloves and Ted Hankey neckerchiefs.

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks has confirmed that Mr Wessex has been arrested in and chained to his hospital bed on suspicion of the destruction of private or public property. This comes after leaked footage appeared to show that the investigator was trying to shake the building with his bare hands just before the gargoyle fell off.

The National Trust have also confirmed that they plan on suing Mr Wessex as the concrete winged creature was a Grade A listed gargoyle with a street value in excess of £5 million.

Mick Wessex: My Drug Hell

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex has issued an apology to fans after being arrested for possession of cocaine.

Mick was enjoying a night out with friends at ST1 in Hanley when a fight broke out with dancers in the VIP section. Police discovered the drugs in Mick's pants after a strip search in the car park.

"I'm sorry that I got caught packing gak," the renowned investigator told MumsNet. "I've let down my fans, especially the kids who look up to me. My Momma is gonna kill me."

Wessex said he got the cocaine from a "council estate chav" who gave him the drugs as he recognised him from local media outlets. He says he may have had "a cheeky snort" but "didn't inhale".

Wessex courted controversy with drugs earlier in his career, when he was known as the "rock 'n' roll paranormal investigator". He once declared in an interview in GQ magazine that taking drugs was "as common in Stoke as eating muffins" and that "doing speed sharpens the investigation senses".

Staffordshire Police will take no further action against Mick after the cocaine disappeared from its evidence locker. "Someone may have taken it out to have a look at and forgotten to put it back," said police spokesman Barry Shanks.

Residents Call For Ghost Ban In Tunstall

Residents of Tunny [Tunstall] are calling for ghosts to be banned from its town centre after claiming inconsiderate spirits keep bothering pedestrians! Regulations are planned which will see ghosts banned between the hours of 9am and 7pm from Monday to Saturday.

Chairman of the Tunny Civic Society, Ron Atkinson, has contacted both Staffordshire Police and Stoke City Council about the issue. "This has been a problem for a long time," said Ron. "They reckon that one person was so badly hurt that they ended up with Down Syndrome. Ghosts go tearing around with no consideration for the pedestrians and nothing is being done about it."





President of the Tunny Chamber of Commerce, Doug Morris, was recently bitch-slapped by a ghost while kerb-crawling in the town. The 85-year-old said: "Unfortunately, a ghost made me crash my pussy wagon into a Mothercare store. I didn't think ghosts were allowed in the town centre at all, but that doesn't appear to be stopping the floaty bastards. And have you never noticed how you never see a black or Asian ghost?"

Barry Shanks, a spokesman from Staffordshire Police, said: "It is an offence to be a ghost or dress as one in the town centre. Our police officers have been told to beat anything resembling a ghost with hammers."

Police Psychic Fired For Sexual Arousal

Hanley Police Station's resident psychic, Terry Neville, has lost his industrial tribunal case against Staffordshire Police. Neville claimed he had been fired for ageism. "Staffordshire Police doesn't want someone as young as me around," claimed the 45-year-old.

The tribunal disagreed with his claim. "Staffordshire Police employs a wide range of people," said spokesman PC Barry Shanks after the hearing. "We've got some lovely young female secretaries, and there's a black guy we use as a painter when the cells need a new coat. I forget his name."

A cell at Hanley Police Station

Terry was a popular figure amonst Stoke's criminal community, regularly sitting in on Police interrogations with spirit guide Hank to help decide criminals' guilt or innocence. "We'll miss old Nevs," said criminal spokesman Steve Fury. "I know there was at least a couple of times Hank said I was innocent and they let me go when I'd actually done it. Job done."

Staffordshire Police alleged that Mr Neville got aroused during interrogations with female suspects and that is why he was fired. "He used to get a proper 'bonk on' during interrogations. And I think he stole my Audrey Hepburn mug from the kitchen as well," added PC Shanks. The tribunal agreed with Staffordshire Police on these points but dismissed their further allegations that Mr Neville had sent ghosts to officers' houses to spy on them having great sex with their wives or that he had engaged in 'racist' dancing at the Christmas party.

Staffordshire Police Ready For Alien Invasion

Police responding to possible alien attacks or invasions in Staffordshire have been kitted out with potentially life-saving equipment.

Three police response vehicles will carry a special pack designed to fight aliens. The pack contains a knife (to fight any hostile aliens), a mirror (to deflect alien ray gun blasts) and a 10p coin to use in a phone box should the Police's radio system go down. 

Officers from Staffordshire Police have been trained to use the devices. Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks is happy with how everything has gone. "Once again, Staffordshire Police has shown itself to be the best, most forward-thinking and most competent police force in the world. Fact."

The cars are based at the three most important sites in Staffordshire: Hanley, Leek and Fegg Hayes.

Beware Sex Offender

Staffordshire Police are urging Stokies to be vigilant after reports on Friday night of a man in Cobridge flashing at passers-by from the front of his Vauxhall Nova. Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks has described the man as "a right pervy old bastard".

TV reports the story

I reported over Christmas the sighting of a ghost flasher in Packmoor. There's no indication that this flasher is a ghost, but you can never be too sure!

Sieges End, Questions Remain

Stoke's two armed sieges have both come to an end. But the question remains: was there any supernatural involvement?

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Armed-sieges-come-peaceful-end/story-14354838-detail/story.html

I spoke to Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. He said he was "unable to disclose any details relating to these cases". I asked if the Police have ruled out supernatural involvement. "We are unable to comment on any line of enquiry," Barry replied, looking nervous.

In summary: COVER UP?

Roy Labrador, Pie Man

On 14 July 1986, competitive pie-eater Roy Labrador discovered a large crater in one of his fields in Trentham. Roy, who doesn't look like a dog but claims he can lick his own genitalia, is in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater. "I am in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater," he says. "It looked like someone had taken a large bite out of the pie that is my field. I didn't actually see or hear the UFO, but it is as clear as pie that one came down to steal some of my potatoes and turnips, perhaps to make a massive interstellar pie."

The event generated a lot of local press attention at the time. Headlines such as "Alien Pies From The Sky" were commonplace.

Roy Labrador, yesterday

Police officers present at the site gave a different explanation. "It was just an old mineshaft that collapsed," says police officer Barry Shanks. "It's as clear as doughnuts. I'm not involved in a cover-up. Honest."

Local UFO expert Paul Brown, chairman of the Paul Brown UFO Club, has a more detailed theory. "It was caused by the landing of a big flying saucer, 337 feet in diameter and weighing 450 tonnes, with a crew of 48 beings. It's as clear as sweets. It was probably a scout ship ahead of some sort of future alien invasion."