Could HS2 Unleash A Plague Of Vampires And/Or Zombies?

Upto 50,000 bodies will have to be dug up to build the new HS2 rail link in Britain, and developers fear it could unleash a plague of zombies or vampires!

Historians estimate that 50,000 bodies have been buried in the public gardens and cemetaries that will need to be bulldozed to build the rail links that will eventually pass Stoke to the east and west. The government also wants demolish hundreds of council homes and dozens of buildings in what has been billed as one of the largest development ever seen in the UK.

On Saturday night, at a hog roast held to celebrate the £33 billion railway, a HS2 director, Chet Mingus, revealed that 100 paranormal hunters are being employed to fight any supernatural threat created by the project. He said: "We are prepared for any eventuality, natural or otherwise."

Lord Hankey of Bentilee, an outspoken critic of HS2, says this is further justification for shelving the project. "This is just one reason from a whole big list in my head as to why we should stop this MADNESS now."

Hankey Loses To Foreigner, Joins PDC

Local darts legend Ted Hankey has gone out of the BDO World Darts Championship at the semi-final stage after losing to some foreigner or other, which won't go down well with people in Stoke. Hankey's father, Lord Hankey of Bentilee, was also unimpressed after the match. "Bloody foreigners coming over here ruining our heritage events," said Lord Hankey after the semi-final. "How would they like it if I went over to their country and entered a clog-dancing event or an ethnic cleansing tournament or whatever it is that lot do over there. They wouldn't bloody allow it. We've gone soft in this country."

Hankey celebrated getting a new tattoo in 2009
by winning the World Championship

On a positive note, Ted has announced he will join the rival (and better) darts organisation, the PDC, where he will join other local darts legends such as Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis. Taylor has begged Hankey to join the PDC in the past saying: "Ted should show some bottle, come over and have a go. We're both Stokies and I want him to come over."

HS2 Will Ruin Lives Says Hankey's Father

The government's high-speed rail plans will ruin thousands of lives, according to Ted Hankey's father. Writing in The Spectator, Lord Hankey of Bentilee says that the HS2 network, which will eventually go past both sides of Stoke when the Birmingham-Manchester and Birmingham-Leeds sections are built, was supported "mainly by northern Labour commie MPs who relish the thought of destroying the beauty of Stoke's surrounding areas and The Peak District."

Lord Hankey of Bentilee

Tory peer Lord Hankey, currently in Surrey cheering on son Ted in the BDO World Darts Championship, says the need for HS2 could be bypassed by modern communications. He writes: "There is a perfectly good alternative, which would be much cheaper and faster to take effect, without destroying a bollocksload of countryside and ruining the lives of thousands of people in and around Stoke. Have they not heard of Skype and the internet? Everything is done online nowadays including having affairs and babies and stuff."