Trentzilla

The "Trentzilla" is a giant snake or serpent-like monster purported to live in the River Trent. It is reported to be green and/or white, snake-like, around 10-12 metres long and at least a metre in diameter.

First sighted in 1876, various theories have been put forward to try to classify the creature, ranging from a hoax or drunken tom-foolery to the suggestion that the creature is a surviving species of dinosaur or that it is a previously undiscovered species of long necked seal. In the absence of a carcass or a living specimen, identity explanations depend only on eyewitness accounts and low-quality photographs.

The monster was most famously spotted in the River Trent on the outskirts of Etruria in 1906 by tag-team wrestling duo Barry & Terry Dynamite. The two witnesses claim to have seen a long figure with stumpy horns and warts on its long neck, catching an opium pipe in its mouth when they kicked it at the monster.

Trentzilla?

In 1976, "Kelly S" sent two photographs, apparently of Trentzilla, to the Stoke Daily Gargoyle, along with a covering letter. She wrote: "It looked like an elephant trunk, but the trunk was more like a long neck with a small head at the end, like a snake's head. It had humps on its back and it moved in a sexual way. It frightened me. I would not like to see it any closer. I do not like the way it moved when swimming." Neither Kelly S nor the negatives have ever been traced. Noted local mystery writers (and key cutters) Dave and Jenny Binky have examined the copy prints, and conclude that "these photographs could well be genuine… either that, or they are fake."

Trentzilla is also the inspiration behind the 1977 horror novel 'The Trentzilla Wakes!', by local writer Phil Skank, set in a futuristic Stoke where the Trentzilla starts to destroy boats travelling on the River Trent.

Cynics have claimed that Trentzilla is nothing more than a bunch of old heroin needles and condoms that have gotten stuck together. This would be consistent with the contents of the River Trent but doesn't explain some of the sightings.

Paranormal Investigator In Benefit Fraud

Paranormal investigator Mick Wessex swindled £147,500 by fraudulently claiming benefits on his Stoke-on-Trent home – while he was working as a private paranormal investigator in the nearby Staffordshire Moorlands town of Leek!

The dwarf pleaded guilty to three counts of failing to notify the authorities about changes to his working status at Fenton Magistrates Court yesterday. Prosecutor Pete Krabbs said: "The amount of money involved is £147,500, which might not be much to the hoity-toity people of Leek, but in Stoke, you could quite literally buy a castle with that many clams."

Mick Wessex

Stoke City Council is taking steps to recover that by taking weekly deductions from Mr Wessex's benefits. Mr Wessex was in receipt of pension credits, disability living allowance, council tax, housing benefit, income support and jobseeker’s allowance. £1 will be deducted each week until the £147,500 is paid in full.

The court heard Mr Wessex suffers with back pain caused by an assault outside of The Ca$hino at Festival Park, and he hoped the warmer climate of Leek could help alleviate the condition.

He was sentenced to serve one week on death row at HMP Werrington to be followed by 100 hours of community service. He must also pay £10 towards prosecution costs at a rate of £0.50 per week.

Injured Paranormal Investigator Blames Celebrities

Mick Wessex, a dwarf paranormal investigator who has appeared on TV’s Most Haunted, and in the promotional video for a Jonathan Wilkes pop song, faces having to use a wheelchair after a stranger picked him up outside gambling venue The Ca$hino at Festival Park and threw him on to the pavement during a night out. Mr Wessex believes his attacker, who has not been tracked down by police, may have got the idea from celebrities on TV.

"An incident like this was just waiting to happen," he said. "People see stars like Tindall or Gervais treating 'our lot' badly and they think that it is acceptable. I believe that could have been why it happened to me – the bloke probably thought it was really funny. Ricky Gervais, the England rugby team and the royal family should be made to apologise for what they have done. I think until someone steps out and says 'this is not acceptable’, all dwarves are under threat."

  

Mick Wessex

Mike Tindall, the England centre and husband of Zara Phillips, was alleged to have attended a dwarf tossing contest, called the "Mad Midget Weekender", with team-mates at a bar in New Zealand. Gervais meanwhile, has caused controversy for his portrayal of dwarves in 'Life's Too Short' and 'The Office'.

Police have appealed for help in tracing the attacker, described as around 5ft 8in, slim build with dark hair and wearing a Global Hypercolour t-shirt and sombrero. Wessex said he had gone outside to score some drugs when the attack happened.

David Murray: "I Have Been Reborn!"

Emerging in front of the assembled press pack at Quasar at Festival Park wearing only a purple velvet track suit, (and no pants or shoes, as he was keen to point out,) film critic David Murray, who was recently declared missing for over a week, stunned journalists by announcing that he was the son of god!

"I have been reborn to fight evil on the planet," said Murray. "Evil forces have ruled the world for centuries and I have come back, with the power of God, to try to help the world."

To the bewilderment of all assembled, Murray went on to describe conspiracy theories involving monarchs, world leaders, aliens, badgers and more!

"This shadowy ruling network is responsible for everything in the world, from 11/9, as it should be called, to the disaster in New Orleans and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. My mission is now to make people aware of this conspiracy against humanity and to fight their future plans. That is all."

Murray's publicist added that he was planning on writing books about his experience and mission, and will be going on a lecture tour in the near future.

Was Missing Film Critic Kidnapped By Aliens?

In case you don't know, Stoke's number one film critic, David Murray, is missing. It is now over a week since he was last seen, at Quasar at Festival Park in Etruria.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/local-film-critic-goes-missing.html

The angry mob looking for him resumed its search today, after taking yesterday off because of the bad weather.

http://eyeonstoke.blogspot.com/2012/03/charity-single-recorded-for-missing.html

Reader Tim Beggar of Fegg Hayes was dogging on Goldenhill Golf Course last Thursday night and claims he saw a UFO in the area. "I was hanging around by some car, watching a couple do it on the back seat," explains Tim. "I was next in line. Some craft with bright lights goes overhead, I don't pay much attention to it, 'cus you get loads of rich folk in that area flying their helicopters about. Anyway, after a while, I think, 'Bleedin' hell, this helicopter's low,' and I look up and it's only a bleedin' UFO, innit. I think the dirty rotters were hangin' about watching the dogging action, if you ask me. Oh yeah, and they could've kidnapped that film critic you're lookin' for."

The 17th green at Goldenhill Golf Club

So could he have been taken by aliens? No-one could say for certain, but I would say for certain that is probable that the likelihood is that he may have been taken. Perhaps he is being anally probed as you read this, shudder the thought. Whatever happens, he remains in our thoughts. May the aliens have mercy on his soul.

New HMS Beagle To Be Built In Stoke?

A replica is to be built of the HMS Beagle, the boat made famous by Charles Darwin and the journey that led to him writing 'On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection'.

The HMS Beagle Project is currently looking for funding, then a port at which to build the ship.

http://www.hmsbeagleproject.org/

Could Stoke be the place where the ship is built? With the River Trent running through Stoke and its two canals, it would surely be an ideal place to undertake such a project. Some would say it would even be better than places like Portsmouth or Liverpool, especially local fishing expert Bill Spatz.

Bill Spatz

"This is just the kind of project that would be perfect for Stoke," said Bill at his press conference at Water World (at Festival Park). "The River Trent is as good as any river in the world. Fact. And with the links we have to other places via our extensive canal network, Stoke is the perfect place for this project. That is all."

Tory peer Lord Hankey, who also spoke at the press conference, is another leading local figure who supports the project. "We all know you can't trust scousers or southerners. Fact. So where better to build this ship than Stoke? Answer: nowhere. And I'm willing to lease land I own in Stoke to the ship-builders at very competitive rates. That is all."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (7)

Fisherman Bill Spatz was fishing in the Trent and Mersey Canal in Etruria when he claims to have caught a ghost fish!

Bill Spatz, last week

"The canal was angry that day," said Bill. "Aye, and the sky, she too was filled with rage, my friend. T'was like a normal fish, as I recall, deep into the embers of my fading memory, but see through and ghosty. T'was a bad sign, so I left it on the bank to die an unnatural death and vowed ne'er to trouble them waters again. I now go to Lake Burslem."