"Honest Matt" Confirms Bursie Sighting

A local man known as "Honest Matt" has claimed that the recent sighting of Bursie by a group of liars was genuine and that he witnessed the whole thing.

In a harrowing comment on the Fathers 4 Justice website (below a story called "Say it with hate this Mother's Day") that reduced this reporter to horrible tears, Honest Matt claims to have been at Lake Burslem when the sighting occurred.

"I was at Phil Taylor Bay, writhing around topless in a mermaid costume for my own amusement," posted Honest Matt. "I saw the whole thing. It was exactly as the liars described it. But better."

However, Terry Fenton, from Fenton, leader of the liars, says Honest Matt is lying. "There were definitely no topless mermaids there, he is lying."

Dead Mermaid In Goms Mill?

A possible mermaid corpse has been found in a swimming pool in Goms Mill, near to Longton.

The topless corpse, which may or may not have been assaulted then partially barbecued, is the property of 57 year old moustache magnate Mark Willey. Mr Willey refuses to let the mermaid out of his sight to be examined but claims it's the real deal.

"It's mine, I own it, if I want to let you in to play with it I will," says Mr Willey. "And if I tell you to fuck off and get back to your own end, you will fuck off and get back to your own end, capiche?"

Mr Willey has so far refused to comment on how the mermaid ended up dead in his swimming pool, or about the simultaneous and "unrelated" disappearance of his wife.